After hospice and after your loved one dies.
Maybe this is a little out of the scope of this form, but many of you have followed my story since mom decided on hospice in her own home. I became her primary care manager for over 6 months despite not agreeing to it, and I served as her hands on caregiver starting at 24/7 and ending with a one 24 hour shift every weekend, during the last of which she died without hospice coming to help.
The day she died I had stayed up all night with her, and I was well past the 24-hour mark because I told the next family member not to come, as mom was in bad shape and needed to be lifted onto the commode, and I didn’t think this young person could handle it. I called her regular aid who offered to come back on her day off and help me, but mom died before she arrived.
This was on Sunday afternoon 3/3 and I couldn’t get out of bed on Monday, primarily from exhaustion, having been up 48 hours. Starting Monday, my phone was blowing up, people wanted the funeral arrangements immediately, even though I couldn’t make it to the funeral home until the next day. I went to the funeral home on Tuesday, and nothing got published until Wednesday.
People who called to offer condolences ended with “I need to make plans”. Like they were appalled that it took me 3 days, so they wanted me to personally fill them in on all the information, including directions to the church, which was all on the funeral home website by Wednesday.
I spent the next 3 days making photo arrangements, picking out flowers, etc. with my SIL pushing me the whole time. By the time I got to the funeral Saturday I felt like I was going to collapse, but I played the good hostess because my brother wasn’t stepping up.
I spent Sunday mostly in bed, and then went back to work Monday. I don’t even remember it, other than no one had been informed that my mom died, even though everyone knew she was in hospice for 6 months. I told 2-3 close people and hoped word would get around, but it didn’t, and people are still asking me how mom is doing.
During that 2nd week my SIL arranged for about 8 people to help clean out mom’s house that Saturday. I honestly thought she was trying to help me because she was one of the few who stuck it out with mom until the end. However, I asked her nicely not to bring her husband, as the lawyer informed me that the house is now half owned by my brother, even though it’s not in writing yet. I told her it would be hurtful to my brother to have her husband (who she cheated on my brother with) there rifling through mom’s stuff before brother even got a chance to go into the house. Well, she brought her husband and he immediately asked for the most expensive antique in the house. Enough said.
Now I’m in the midst of having 3 people trying to move into mom’s house. My lawyer ordering me to stop them. My husband getting a 30-yard dumpster and going over every day cleaning out the house. The lawyer wanting, no demanding, 20-year-old paperwork that’s either buried in the hoard or has already been thrown out by the “helpers”.
I feel like I had an actual nervous breakdown. I can barely lift my arms over my head to wash my hair, and I’m in my 50’s and otherwise healthy. NOW I’m having anxiety and panic at the times I used to be waiting for caregivers to arrive, or times I would normally have been there. My husband’s advice is ‘you’re a smart, logical woman, just remind yourself it’s not real’. But it is real. I thought I would feel a modicum of relief when mom finally passed, but I feel the stress is getting worse.
And everyone is telling me to “take time to grieve”. It feels a lot like when people were telling me to take care of myself when mom was dying, without offering any actual help.
Edit: I meant this to be under discussions. Mods, can it be moved there?
dumpster and going over every day cleaning out the house. The lawyer wanting, no demanding, 20 year old paperwork that’s either buried in the hoard or has already been thrown out by the “helpers”.
I feel like I had an actual nervous breakdown. I can barely lift my arms over my head to wash my hair, and I’m in my 50’s and otherwise healthy. NOW I’m having anxiety and panic at the times I used to be waiting for caregivers to arrive, or times I would normally have been there. My husband’s advice is ‘you’re a smart, logical woman, just remind yourself it’s not real’. But it is real. I thought I would feel a modicum of relief when mom finally passed, but I feel the stress is getting worse.
And everyone is telling me to “take time to grieve”. It feels a lot like when people were telling me to take care of myself when mom was dying, without offering any actual help.
Edit: I meant this to be under discussions. Mods, can it be moved there?
Wishing you peace during this difficult time. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Apparently, they are going to call me for grief counseling starting 4 weeks after the death, which unbelievably is next week already.
I finally called to make an appointment with a specialist. I tested positive for a number of autoimmune markers about 6 weeks before mom died. I filled out an 8 page packet for them, and they called me the day after she died. Now I can't get in until May. I was hoping it was just exhaustion, but even though I get to go home every day after work and sleep at night, I still wake up exhausted and achy all over. It's not normal.
I am always astounded at the lack of compassion that comes from people after a death. I've had more support from friends than I got from family, when mom died.
MIL's death has brought to a head so many years of anger, vitriol, even..dare I say it? hatred? that was her life. Her kids are all just in a state of "thank goodness this is finally over!"
My DH has shown absolutely no emotion whatsoever over his mom's passing. He's just relieved---and he handles all uncomfortable feelings by sleeping. And sleeping and sleeping.
I wish he'd talk about what he's feeling, but he won't, and I'm not pushing.
Everyone grieves in their own way. Not one way is "right" and not one way is 'wrong'. It just is what it is. Sadly, at the time when you need the space and support and patience is just when people aren't capable of helping. The 'let me know what I can do' comments come out like "but don't actually call me, OK?"
IDK what you were expecting from Hospice, once your mom passed. Our dad's hospice providers showed up the day after daddy died and took away all the DME's and meds and it was like they couldn't get out of there fast enough. It was weird.
MIL was in the midst of changing from one Hospice Co to another, so NOBODY was on board when she passed. IDK what they said they'd do, but the 'bad' Hospice was a joke, at best.
If your only source of support is your DH, then lean on him.
One thing that is a 'for certain' is that time WILL heal you, and hopefully you will be able to look bad and be proud of the care you gave your mom. I know it was hard, and people do not 'get that' unless they've been there.
Wishing for peace for you!
((Hugs))
Your situation is complicated with an estate and a sibling issue. I am sorry.
No one understands what it is like to be a 24/7 caregiver at the end of a beloved person's life - except for someone who has actually done it. The rest of them have no idea. The physical and mental toll cannot be described.
https://www.quora.com/My-sister-and-I-inherited-my-dad-s-estate-and-now-she-is-moving-into-his-house-Is-this-legal
You can't worry about him being homeless and jobless unless you want to support him the rest of your life. Easier said than done but you have to decide how involved you want to be with him because he will suck your soul dry with his untreated mental illness and the constant job issues because if it and then the resulting homelessness.
As for his trip. Sorry I think it's bullshit that a person who has no income or place to live goes on a damn vacation instread of trying to find a job. Thats something my sister would have done too.
He has a camper. Tell him to move to a campground with it.
So I am supposed to tell him not to move in, while at the same time his options are to sleep in his storage unit or car, and it’s FREEZING here right now.
Also, I took 7 days off from work. I am per diem and not eligible for FMLA. I can’t just continue to take time off with no pay. I’m also afraid I’ll be replaced.
I ran into my friend and coworker who suggested the hospice agency that we used (they were great with her family). Her mom passed a year+ ago. Her brother, who owned his own home outright, moved into their mom’s house and never paid his 2 siblings a dime. Now the town is coming after her and her siblings for taxes, while brother sold his home and has all the money sitting in the bank. And I think the estate is still paying his utilities too (he is executor). It’s my worst nightmare.
I am sorry that your SIL didn’t respect your wishes not to bring her husband.
Honestly, some people become vultures when it comes to an inheritance.
I don’t think that I would consider your SIL as trustworthy. She wasn’t respectful of your feelings.
Know that you did all you could for your mom. You deserve to live in peace now. Let the phone calls go to voicemail instead of feeling obligated to talk about your situation over and over again.
Wishing you peace as you grieve for your mother.
When my Mom had passed, Dad quickly wanted to move into a senior facility. That meant I needed to go through their house in order to put it up for sale. It took months to clear out, mainly because of what to keep, what to donate, what to toss out. Bringing home tons of paperwork to go through later, again with what to keep, what to shred. Dad had paystubs going back to 1942, and all their income taxes from many decades.
Then there is Probate, each city/county have their own requirements. Relatives who have never been through that don't understand how stressful that can be.
You need to keep telling yourself all of this is a learning moment so you can think how to slim down all that is needed for the future.
In your case that seems to be the way of it.
For myself, my entire family, my parents, my brother, myself, want NO SERVICES. It's traditional in my family. A simple cremation and no services. It makes it ever so much easier, to be honest. This gave me time to actually mourn my loss, remember the one I loved.
I think you will be OK, Lily. You have been through a lot. You have my condolences. As tough as this is, I sure do wish you were NOT the executor of the will. I wish that had fallen to someone else so that you could simply step away from it.
I would put it in the hands of a good Trust and Estate attorney and step away from it much as you can.
I agree, by the by, that no one should be moving into that home as it will greatly complicate things. For that reason alone I may not empty it out until just before sale.
If you want admins to move this, Lily, consider making a separate response in which you say only "Admins: I request this be moved to discussions". Then self-report your comment. Best way they will see it early on I do think.
I agree with hubby you are smart and logical (would add capable) and will be OK. That doesn't make it easy. Do know also that you sometimes step in where others would HAVE TO if you didn't. I am the same way and can recognize it. We do it because we can't help ourselves and because we believe others are going to do it wrong and make it all worse. Sometimes we are right in that, but the fact is you learn eventually that you cannot do it all, and to let others step in and do it, right OR wrong.
But this isn't easy. Allow yourself your feelings and an afternoon or morning OFF and out of touch once in a while.
I think you need to take time off from work. In hindsight, I would have let my Answering machine pick up all the calls. The greeting could have said "I am very busy at this time with Moms funeral. If your calling with condolences, thank you. If you need an address to the service, its...thank you so much for your call."