Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
An overheard conversation....

Q - How did you know that she was the woman you should marry?

A - When I asked her for a screwdriver and she answered "Philips, flat head or vodka" I knew she was the one!
(7)
Report

One tree says to the other tree:
"Look, they are bringing in the rakes!"
The other tree says,
"What are we gonna do now for nutients, drink bleach?"



I swear, not a political joke.
(3)
Report

Trees are our friends.
(3)
Report

The doctor asks his friends, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?" One friend says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man." Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people." A third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "
(14)
Report

Gershun, my trees are also my friends, as are my evergreen shrubs!  One of my arborvitaes has been producing so many little cone seeds that I'll be able to make dozens of wreaths from them, and also start little arborvitae next year.    I too love trees!

Alva, I've just skimmed through a synopsis of Powers' Overstory and added it to my book list.    Barnes & Noble, here I come!
(5)
Report

For anyone who loves TREES do read The Overstory by Richard Powers. I think one of the GREAT books of recent times.
(3)
Report

I've had clients so old they remember Judas skipping out on his share of the bill at the Last Supper.

There I've managed to make a joke that is offensive to both elderly and religious folks.
(5)
Report

What did all the little talking logs say?
(2)
Report

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue.
(7)
Report

Gershun,

I had to have a huge dead tree removed recently. I couldn’t take the chance of it falling on the neighbor’s house to cause damage during a hurricane.

We do miss trees. Isn’t it interesting how trees bloom their hearts out the season before dying. It’s their last hurrah! They rally too.

Cost me $1700 to remove that tree! I called several tree removal companies and that was the going rate.
(1)
Report

I miss the two trees that were in front of where I used to live. I considered them friends. Call me weird......I don't care.🏡
(8)
Report

I like the comments about talking to the trees. It reminds me of recent comments from one of our rich and famous persons who said how pretty the forests are overseas because "they rake their forests".
When I was a kid we actually had to puts rocks in wheel barrels to move them to another area of the front yard. I can't imagine the rich and famous taking a rake to their own yards, much less the wilderness out West.

I like tulip trees too. Never knew they existed until I moved to to my current state of residence.
(3)
Report

I’ve no idea what ‘my’ joke number 5 was. However if you go back a couple of months, the joke book I was using was called ‘Church Chuckles’, which was genuinely about funny things that have happened in Christian churches, collected by an organist who traveled around a bit and collected jokes from Parish newsletters etc. Then I bought a book of Jewish jokes. I did find that these got more ‘likes’ if I made them a bit less Jewish. Anyway here’s one I haven’t used yet:

A traveler some years ago has trouble with his watch (probably before batteries), finds a shop in the small town street with a window display of clocks and watches, goes in and asks the shopkeeper if he can fix the watch. The guy says no, he doesn’t deal with watches or clocks. Traveler is a bit piqued, and asks why the window display, then? Answer ‘I like clocks’. Traveler ‘Why not advertise what you actually do?’. Shopkeeper ‘I circumcise all the boy babies for the district. What do YOU think I should put in the window?’.
(3)
Report

Thank you AlvaDeer and Luckylu!

Should I make a joke now?

Love you all!
(2)
Report

I talk to my Tulip Tree Send and tell it I can't believe how big it's gotten all the time and
Iv'e hugged it too,thanking it for all the fun it gave me growing up.It never answers back,but I still talk to it anyway.It's my favorite~
(3)
Report

Ha, I don't know WHOSE jokes I liked or didn't like, or even remember them much, but I know I like YOU, SendHelp. Hee hee.
(5)
Report

To "EXPLAIN" to my critics below:

Joke #1 was posted a long time ago by Polar Bear. (Priest in the closet).

Joke # 2 & #3 were posted by BuzzyBee and liked by e v e r y o n e, so much.

Joke # 5 was posted by Margaret McKen and proves that politics and religion discussions stand the test of time, are not banned on the forum.

Not my jokes, but did you all "like" them?
(4)
Report

The subject of the "critics" reminds me of one of my Dad's favorites:
Two grandmothers at the playpark, sitting together and discussing life. And one says to the other "Look. Look at that boy over there. Did you ever see such ears on a kid. Those are HUGE ears. Oh, and by the way, that nose; what a nose on that child." A few moments pass and she says "Oh, and those knees, so bowed. And the feet; we used to call those pigeon toed".
Finally the other grandmother turns to her and says -- yes, you got it --"But that's my GRANDSON you are talking about".
And without a pause the first critical one says "But WAIT. You never let me FINISH! I was only going to say that............On HIMMMMMM it all looks GOOD!"
(4)
Report

"Isthisrealyreal,"

That's ok, it's easy to do even if you do keep reading it over and over - our eyes start to play tricks on us especially before that first cup of "java."

I've done that with so many regular comments on threads - the EDIT button has become my friend. Even then, I've had to go back many, many times! Geez, I just had to use it on this post after I've been gone awhile!! I'll blame it on my lousy instant, decaf coffee!! Husband is bringing back the "real" thing (not coke, caffeinated coffee).

I still understood what you were trying to say! :)
(1)
Report

I am going to just talk to the trees.
(2)
Report

Why did the baker rob a bank?


Because he kneaded the dough.


(now that takes the cake - actually, I could use some bread myself!)
(8)
Report

97 yours is the correct way, I missed a word. Oops! That's what happens when I post before my 1st cup of java. I read and reread it and didn't catch the missing "much" thank you for posting it as it should have been.

I heard it on an audio book and it did not credit it to anyone, I just thought it was a great saying and so timely.
(4)
Report

ITRR
Thats one of my favorite quotes! Glad to see it.
The way I remember it is

There is so much bad in the best of us
And so much good in the worst of us
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.

I memorized it that way as a deterrent to gossiping in my 20s. Lol
I think it’s attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.
(6)
Report

Is that a joke, RealyReal? Seems more like a great axiom to me. And it's a great one, and is SO true! I'm writing it into my "commonplace book".
(1)
Report

There is so bad in the best of us; so much good in the worst of us; that it ill behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us.
(3)
Report

Trees really do talk to each other.

One says, "Lookout, here comes a Saint Bernard".

The other, says, "I just opened a new branch".
(3)
Report

A cafe was putting burgers on the menu.
Cannot believe they served "mice" burgers.
Is this a typo I asked? Did you mean nice burgers?

I ordered one to try it.
As I sat there, staring at it, the burger ate my cheese!
(2)
Report

Pat and Mike are lifelong friends. Mike is happy for Pat when, after 2 years of being a widower, Pat calls to invite Mike to dinner to meet Pat's new wife. Mike gets through the dinner okay and excuses himself soon after. Pat walks Mike out to Mike's car.
"So, Mike, what do you think of her?"
"I'll be honest, Pat. She's not a very good cook, is she?"
"True."
"And she doesn't act all that nice to you."
"Again true."
"Can't she wear more than a bathrobe and slippers when company comes?"
"I guess not."
"So what's the attraction, Pat?"
"She can drive at night."
(5)
Report

A burglar breaks into a home. While he is ransacking the house, he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching". He shine his flashlight around and sees a parrot in a cage.
The parrot says again "Jesus is watching."
The burglar says "Hey, cool. You can talk. What's your name?"
The parrot says "My name is Moses."
The burglar snorts and says "What kind of morons name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot responds "The same morons who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
(8)
Report

ha ha, where did #4 go?
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter