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Joke #5

Three things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
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Joke # 3
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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JOKE #2
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The joke below is Joke #1.....
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
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There was a guy named Bill who wanted to buy a horse. He saw a horse for sale online so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "This horse is a Christian horse. It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running fast. Now Bill sees the cliff right ahead and says: "AMEN." The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
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What do you call a pony with a cough?


A little horse.


(Of course!)
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Gross, yes, but thanks for making us smile!!
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I'm still in breakfast mode for a lazy, relaxing Sunday morning -


What's an egg's favorite type of coffee?


An eggspresso!


(does a McDonald's Senior Coffee count? It does for 55 cents)
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What did the egg say to the chef?


You crack me up.


(ha, ha the yoke's on you!)
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What do you call a fake noodle?



An impasta!
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I'm just home from work on Saturday night, was a busy shift and I'm a bit slap happy. lol I'll probably read that joke tomorrow and groan, but right now it's making me giggle. Humor is very subjective!
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On the subject of god and blondes...

To get into heaven you have to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god tells you a joke, and if you laugh then you go to hell. A brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then a red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "Why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!"

Sometimes it's good to be a dummy!

I'm a blonde but I've been a few other colors in my lifetime so far. ;-)
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Hahaha, Gershun!
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Sorry for the grossness.

On a lighter note? Hmmm.....
Hmmmm.....

Sorry, can't think of anything.
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Gershun, that is gross!

Has anyone seen this thread:

"Grossed out and need to vent- Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!"

It is also gross.
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I've got a really gross joke. I apologize in advance to any who might get offended.

What's grosser than gross?

Ans: Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.
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One more Halloween joke!

What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

Hope everyone is enjoying the Halloween season! Do some pumpkin carving!

Holidays will be different this year! Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My neighbor has his usual Halloween decorations up. I will miss seeing the trick or treaters that we always have in my neighborhood. Love all of the adorable kids in costumes!
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Why don’t mummies have friends?

They are too wrapped up in themselves.
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Why do skeletons have low self esteem?

They have no body to love.
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Why don’t mummies relax?

They are afraid to unwind. 😊
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It’s October! Halloween season!

Here’s a Halloween joke.

Know why the skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin. 😊
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See, others get called out "is this a joke thread?" but you can run off any direction. Hmmm? Little bit judgmental me thinks.
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I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.



I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it!
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Alva,

I love Monty Python! Funny stuff.
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I am with you, Polar Bear. Second thread I have had to exit permanently today. As Monty Python used to say "Now for something COM PLEAT LY different". Wishing all laughs ahead.
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This is a joke thread, so I won't comment further.
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I think that no one really means to make jokes about religion Polar Bear. If ever there is someone who understands the pain of abuse and self-righteous judgementalism, it is might be the atheist. Not long and long we were burned to death. I have a deep respect for the religion of others, and probably know more about all the world religions than many who practice them, have happily visited the great churches of many many lands, and have loved it. Have read at least two of the great books of faith. I have a deep respect for all the knowledge saved often by the faiths of EVERY religion down through history. Before the printing press they were the only hope.
At 78 I have been in many fox holes including the great cancer foxhole. Never for a moment did I have any belief in anything more than that the tree buds, then blossoms, then withers and falls to nourish the next generation to come.
So I do not consider belief to be really a "choice" but rather something that we do have or we do not have. Almost like a gene for it, or no gene for it. I could no more make myself believe in anything than I could unmake myself if I DID believe. I put no man either up nor down for his faith so long as his faith is one of love, and respect for the faith (or lack of it) of others.
I have known many great leaders of many faiths, and have found them to have a surprising humor. I have known a Catholic priest who comforted Jews in the Concentration (as many Catholic Poles thrown in camps as Jews at the time) camps in the hours of their deaths, and the fact he was a priest was hidden from those who ran the camps, so loved was he. Humor is an interesting thing, and as often based on the hardships and ironies of life as on anything else. Think to doctors and nurses? Theirs is some of the most "uncomfortable" humor you will ever hear (unless you serve in wartime).
I think few means harm. I do not hear the "attacks" you claim on Christianity; I am afraid I often DO hear attacks on other faiths. All faiths are lovely, so long as they don't judge another man by their own beliefs, nor try to control him by their own beliefs. There is the law and there is religion; they best are kept separated, imho. Though not everyone agrees.
And I do have to say, I often find those who espouse great faith to be people who feel the religiosity and self-righteousness allows them to judge another by their own yardsticks. Allows them to judge in place of the master they worship. I don't dislike a whole lot of things, but self-righteousness I find to be fairly unpleasant. And those who sew division. Or hatred. Those to me are the things that are reprehensible. I don't worry about faith at all.
As to what trolls do? I think what trolls do is come to fight, to sew anger and division, to judge, and worst of all to accuse. We all have our own definition of trolls. They are not usually well meaning, generally kind, fun loving and happy people.
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Well, she can still be forgiven. Don’t you think? We all have the power to forgive. Give people a chance to explain if they wish to. That doesn’t mean that you have to like the joke.

Actually, all ages offend, and make excuses. Not just five year olds!

I didn’t mean that anyone was excusing anything. Anyone can act in haste and not realize how something will come across. And their sense of humor may be a bit different than others.

Remember Captain, he had a crazy sense of humor!
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NHWM- Send is not 5 years old. Only kids can use the excuse that they don't know what they are doing.
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