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Racoon as super spreader.
Nobody is going to get this joke.
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May your coffee, pelvic floor, intuition and self-appreciation be strong
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Our computers start up in the morning with a thought-provoking comment. Here are this mornings:

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes by the square of the number of participants.


If God intended us to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.
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It's party time ---


How do you throw a space party?


You planet.
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Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?


Because it was cultured.


(if it was peach yogurt, I'll go too!)
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Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?


They each got six months.


(hopefully they didn't steal a 2020 calendar - it wasn't worth getting six months for it!)
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97's drive-in experience sounds absolutely awful. Did no-one get out of their cars to stop the woman using the paint spray can? Did no-one call the police - damaging property is clearly an offense! I'm not sure what the local paper headline meant (they often value puns more than information these days), but I am appalled even without the suggestion of a death for the victim! Not my idea of a joke!
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I was at the drive through at my local bank on a busy Friday afternoon. It’s a typical drive through. Four lanes. Three with tellers. One outside lane with the ATM. That’s usually the slowest moving. The ATM lane. 

Couldn’t help but notice over in the ATM lane, this beautiful baby blue convertible with an equally beautiful  woman in the drivers seat. She was busy applying makeup as she waited for her turn. She was doing a full job. Had a case with a mirror and was basically ignoring the fact that the car in front of her had moved up. A guy in a new red van (still had the paper plates} had pulled up behind her. He started honking his horn. Making large gestures for her to move along. She could see him in the mirror but kept right on with the mascara. Of course, we all heard the horn so we could now stare openly at the makeup application. She didn’t seem to be budging. 

Finally the ATM lane is clearing. Just as she is finishing a spritz of perfume,  the guy in the van, who apparently is not a convertible fan, whips around her and pulls into the opening space in the ATM lane. 

She is, of course, now ready to pull up .... but he has cut the line. It was like she knew exactly how long it would take for that last customer to pull away. 

But she seems to be nonplussed. 

She gets out of the convertible ( I’m glad I saw that part) goes to the trunk, puts her makeup case inside and takes out a large black spray can. 

Hairspray now, I’m thinking. 

Nope. 

She walks to the front of the van while the guy is doing his banking but making sure he can see her, she sprays the bright red van with black spray paint! OMG! What next?

My lane had started to move and I slowly moved forward not wanting to miss whatever was coming.

But It was Friday. the teller for my lane wanted me to move along. My banking was done, I had to pull away. When I looked back I saw that the guy had gotten out of his van, had his arm raised and the woman was holding onto his radio aerial. 

Was he going to hit her?! 

As I turned the corner I saw the aerial come off in her hand. 

A crowd was forming and I can tell you no banking was being done.

I heard a siren. Not wanting to get snarled in traffic, I  reluctantly drove home. 

The next morning my wife handed me the newspaper and said this must be a story about that scene at the bank.

I couldn’t believe it!

There was a picture of the woman and you know, her makeup still looked pretty good for all she had been through. 

And then I noticed the real shocker.... the headline ... which read ....

“ Local man dies ....  of van aerial disease. “
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The nurses out there may like this one -


Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?


In case she needed to draw blood.


(that's the way I want my blood drawn!)
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Yes, it's early for jokes but between the news and the forum...ladies may appreciate this one - a male's perspective .


I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high


She looked at me surprised.
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Why aren't koalas actual bears?


They don't meet the koalafications.
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Send,

YES!

I think the reason those test came out was because of wimps like me not wanting to to the standard colonoscopy! LOL
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The exact place for ALL colon test kits is lost in many various places throughout the house! Think about it. Mailing a sample of feces through the mail is a biohazard! The USPS should make it a law! Oh, wait, it is already a law.

Still thinking about it....The package gets damaged in transit....and your 'sample' has your name on it, and your dna....now that is embarrassing!
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This is kind of funny, a bit embarrassing and sort of careless too...

Last visit to my doctor she had the nurse give me the kit used to do my ‘at home’ colon cancer test. So easy, I did one last year. Get a sample, then mail it off! Done!

Okay, my next visit is in November. My doctor is a sticker about being up to date on tests which is great because otherwise I tend to procrastinate.

Due to hubby’s recent cancer diagnosis I want to be more vigilant in taking responsibility for myself.

Well, I put the test away to do it at a later time and can’t find it! LOL. Have you ever put something away ‘in a safe place’ and hid it from yourself?

I will continue to look. If I can’t find it will they readily give me a new one or will they be laughing about it? Hahaha 😂.

At least I misplaced it before having the sample in it ready to be mailed.

I feel like an idiot!!! 🤣
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From travel brochure: You see before you a virgin landscape, a place where the hand of Man has never set foot.
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Why do bees have sticky hair?


Because they use honeycombs.
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"Isthisrealyreal,"

Yes, I would think you would have learned after the first time you did it but, I didn't want to say anything. :) But, since you said it...


"Maybe someday, yeah maybe not" - LOL!!
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You would think that I would learn to keep my hands to myself.

I just can't let an opportunity pass for a good practical joke or a good goosing. Maybe someday, yeah maybe not.
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"Isthisrealyreal,"

I can see it happening once, but twice??? That's hilarious - I'll be laughing at that one for awhile!
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NGI, this happened years ago. It taught me to never kick anyone in the....store😉

However, I was leaving my office one day and my husband was bent over digging through a tool box. I came back, roughly an hour later, and he was still digging around in the toolbox. Well, I can not resist a dairyaire just sticking out there, so I give him a solid slap. Oh my, my new secretary thought we were an awful tight company, it was our foreman. He dressed exactly like my husband. We were both utterly shocked, we still laugh about that "mistake".
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Let the silliness begin!


What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?


A chew-chew train.
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"SondraO,"

That is too cute - I'm so glad you were able to laugh with him about it! :)
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Sondra,

Too funny!

One time a neighbor child did that to my mom. She had a photo of herself when she was young on the wall. The little girls asked mom, “Who is that?” Mom said, “That’s me.” The kid asked her the same thing, “What happened to you?” Mom replied, “I got old!” LOL
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My husband had a picture of me that was always on his dresser. I was about 20 in the picture. I am 75 now. He took it to VN with him. So he had it a long time. One day as his Alzheimers progressed he pointed to the picture and said "Where is my daughter?" I said "Honey, that's me, your wife" He looked at the picture and looked back at me and said "What happened?" True story. We both had a laugh.
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😂🌭😂🍟😂
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Don't know if someone told me or I read that a man dropped his takeaway lunch bag into the partially open window of his car, then tried to open his car. But not his car.
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"97yroldmom,"

Oh, so that's what life is all about - thank you for that - I've been wondering for the last 58 years!

That was good!! :)
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Earlybird: I hear ya on mistaking a van for your's. Once my brother, who is an attorney, almost entered a vehicle that was sitting beside my daughter's vehicle. His daughter, my daughter and I watched in amusement as we were all waiting for him.
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Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed...... 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  
  
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed...... 
  
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...... 

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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"Isthisrealyreal,"

That is too funny - you're lucky that woman had a good sense of humor especially in this day and age - she could have turned around and "kicked some butt!"
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