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True story joke (although some may not find this humorous) - cousin told me that down the street from her childhood home was a funeral parlor and she and I used to hide in coffins. I said "No, not me - do I look like I would do that?" I do not joke and on the rare chance that I may, not one person would get the joke.
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Nobodygetsit, I’m sure you realise that I buy Op shop books of jokes, looking for things to give our site friends at least a smile. Then I give the books back to an Op shop and buy some more. Your puns are making me regret getting rid of ‘Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids’, which was about 90% puns. I thought no-one could keep down the rising gorge, and I just gave up on it. Your jokes are proving how wrong I was! By the way, I apologise for the lift grey hair joke, it was funny but pretty gross, I won’t do it again.

Thanks to all the posters who help on this, and thanks to the 'thumbs uppers' who encourage us. I was ashamed a few months ago when a new poster asked mournfully why there was nothing to cheer her up, and decided to try a lot harder. South Australia where I live has social distancing rules but no current community Covid transmission, so visiting the local Op shops, signing in, hand sanitising and then heading for the ‘humor’ books is a new hobby.
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Ahhh, for old times sake -


Why can't male ants sink?


They're buoy-ant.


(Just wanted to be silly!)
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Variations on a theme:

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
The race is not always to the swift, but that’s the way to bet.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
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The problem with Doctors is they will cure you to death, they take an oath!
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He who laughs last, probably didn't get the joke in the first place.
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Why is constipation like math?
Because sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil.
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Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
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Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
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The Law of Fashion says that the same dress is:
1) Indecent ten years before its time
2) Daring one year before its time
3) Chic in its time
4) Dowdy three years after its time
5) Ridiculous thirty years after its time
6) Amazing a hundred years after its time.
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Sitting with her cat, an old woman is polishing a lamp she found in the attic. Suddenly a genie appears and offers her 3 wishes.
She wishes to be rich, to be young again and for her cat to be turned into a handsome prince...
As she melts into his embrace, he whispers to her.."Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered"....
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My husband and I went into a small cafe that was a town in and of itself. It had a grocery store, feed store, gas station, trailer rental, post office and the cafe.

The following actually took place.


Waitress: Do you have any questions or are you ready to order?

My husband: Yes, I was wondering if the chili was fresh?

Waitress: Yes Sir, we just opened the can this morning.

We still laugh about the incident and how generational differences can be so funny.
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Kitchen Laws:

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Every good cook should have principles – mine is to finish the bottle.
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Considerations Regarding Marriage:

Pregnancy is when you can’t say ‘Let’s just forget the whole thing’.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportionate to the cost of the wedding.
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An old gentleman stocked up on 2 boxes of ammo because he heard there was a shortage. He put the boxes of ammo on his front passenger seat and stopped for gas on the way home. A nice-looking young blonde in a short skirt happened to see the boxes of ammo, leaned into the passenger side window, and said, "Hey, old fella, I believe in barter. How about trading sex for ammo?"

The old gent thought it over for a few seconds and replied, "I don't know. What kind of ammo ya' got?"
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A man goes to a talent agent with his dog and claims the dog can talk. The talent agent asks for a demonstration. The man asks the dog, "What is the top part of a building called?" The dog says, "Roof, roof!" Next the man asks, "What is the texture of sandpaper?" The dog says, "Rough, rough!" Finally the man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth, Ruth!" The talent agent is disgusted and tells them both to get out.

Once outside, the dog turns to the man and says, "So, I should have said Dimaggio?"
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Mother-in-law Assessment Code:

Stop – Look ---Listen ---Run
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.
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What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?


A receding hare-line.
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Why can't you explain "puns" to kleptomaniacs?


They always take things literally.
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Flight Laws:

Never stab a fork into a cherry tomato.

As soon as coffee is served, the flight will encounter turbulence.

Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
(Sophisticated travelers guess turkey or veal)
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The Law of Politics:
No matter what they’re telling you, they’re not telling you the whole truth.
No matter what they’re talking about, they’re talking about money.
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My 90 year old friend saw her DO yesterday and had the following interaction with the doctor:

Doctor: wow Mrs. F, you are a bit stiff.

Mrs. F: I am an old stiff, hahaha.

Doctor: you're an old stiff?

Mrs. F: Yes, I am an old stiff, but not as stiff as I am going to be.

This is why I love this woman. Everyone in the room busted up laughing, so I thought that I would share.
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The Law of the Wild Wild West:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

The Law for Visitors to the Wild Wild West:
Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never talk more than 10 minutes with someone with more troubles than you.
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dfghj443's spam post reported.  I thought this scam died sometime ago, but apparently the scammer is persistent.

I think dfghj443 needs a spellcaster to explain to her what spamming is.
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The Law of the Jungle:
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together – but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
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“I gave my cat a bath the other day. You know, I’d always heard you weren’t supposed to give cats baths, but my cat came home, and he was really dirty and I decided to give him a bath, and it was great. If you have a cat, don’t worry about it. They love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me, you know, and uh—the fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that, you know, it was great!”

early Steve Martin
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The Laws of Relaxation:
1) If you are looking forward to just three good social events, you will find they all happen on the same evening. Probably the TV will be good that night, too.
2) If you’re watching TV, the cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks totally adorable, you will need to go to the toilet.
3) TV spectator sports save their exciting moments for when you have actually gone to the toilet.

GRRRRH
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I just read this from the BBC World News proving that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction!

"A man has blown up part of his house in France while trying to swat a fly.

The man, who is in his 80s, was about to tuck into his dinner when he became irritated by a fly buzzing around him.
He picked up an electric racket designed to kill bugs and start swatting at it - but a gas canister was leaking in his Dordogne home.
A reaction between the racket and the gas caused an explosion, destroying the kitchen and partly damaging the roof of the home in Parcoul-Chenaud village.
According to local media, the unnamed man had a lucky escape, sustaining just a burn to the hand.
However, the fate of the fly is not known, news outlet Sud-Ouest notes."
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A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size or her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said.
"That's right!" he said "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family".
With that she tossed her panties to him and said, "Try these on"
He looked at her..
"Go on" she urged, "go on"
He tried to put them on and found he could only get them to his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties"
She said "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes"
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