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Senior citizens at the retirement community are talking about their ailments.
My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup...
Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee...
I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck...
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy....
Well I guess that's the price we pay for getting old. It's not all that bad, we should be thankful that we can still drive!
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Short history of medicine:
2000 BC Here, eat this compound of root..
100's AD Don't touch that root, it is the tool of the devil, Say this prayer.
1850's AD That prayer is pure superstition, drink this potion
1940's AD Believe me that potion is snake oil, swallow this pill
1970's AD That pill is ineffective, you must take this antibiotic
2000's AD That antibiotic is artificial, Here, eat this compound of root.
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Great idea! I recently read about someone who's parent refused to get a hearing aid. I can relate to that. "Oh my God"! I can pull up in the driveway, my car windows up, the house closed tighter than a drum, and I can hear that t.v. cranking loud! Every day I have to tell him to turn the t.v. down so I can talk to him and that's at the top of my voice! It used to really bother me in the beginning but I'm probably deaf now too so it doesn't matter!
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Why are pirates called pirates?


Because they arrgh!
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?


He was just going through a stage.
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For all the moms out there -


A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"


"Don't worry" said the Doc. Those are just contractions."
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and "twitches?"


A nervous wreck.
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Hear about the new restaurant called "Karma?"


There's no menu;


You get what you deserve!
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@ "97yroldmom,"

Loved it - but, you had me going when I read the first line on the news feed and I was scratching my head wondering why it would be posted on the joke thread! :)

My husband's younger nephew actually had a PB Doughboy costume 24 years ago when he was 15 and he had just the right personality for it - he's changed careers since then from being in the bakery business to now being a lawyer!!
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It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Why did the M&M go to school?


It wanted to be a Smartie.


(I love you M&M's just the way you are - don't go changing...)
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Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?


Because he lost his filling.


(I hope I find it because it's so good!)
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Life is like a helicopter.

I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
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Last for the day..
"Sometimes I want to ask God why He allows injustice, violence and evil, when He could do something about it" said one man to his friend.
"So, why don't you ask Him?" the friend responded.
"I don't like to", answered the first,.."because He might ask me the same thing."
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Questions to make you ponder....
Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk ..it is still full

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash...why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff.

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges did not grow in it?

Light travels faster than sound, so is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
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There was a distraught patient who phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true" the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so" the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued.....
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked.."NO REFILLS".
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Here's one for the typist - actually, that's probably everyone nowadays because of computers!

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender.

"We don't serve your type!"
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
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A bear walks into a bar and says "give me a whiskey and...........cola"

"Why the big pause" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugs.

"I'm not sure; I was born with them."
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What is an astronaut's favorite part on a computer?


The space bar.
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison
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No offense meant -

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?


THANKS - I'll never part with it!
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Gee, I'm still in a funk today too - Here's one for the bagel lovers!


How do you keep a bagel from getting away? (besides me eating it :))


Put "lox" on it.
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@ "MargaretMcKen,"

Glad your DH thought the "hat" joke was funny - so did I!

As far as him thinking the church chuckles are better - that is just another example of how we all like different things like foods, music, movies... and jokes.

Just like the old saying goes "different strokes for different folks!"
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Hi! My DH (and I try all jokes on him to see if he laughs), did laugh about the hat, but he reckons that church chuckles are usually better, even though he didn't expect it from a religious joke book. Thanks for your contributions, nobodygetsit.

Here is my last one from the 'wine' collection:

Every time I say the dirty word exercise,
I have to wash my mouth out with red wine and chocolate.
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I also needed a break from the serious stuff!!

What did the shark say when he ate a clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.
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Sorry, I've been in a funk all day --


What did one hat say to the other?

You wait here. I'll go on a head.
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If you like exercising, here's one for you:

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats



Oooh - that sounds painful!
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A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me - I'm addicted to twitter!"


to which the doctor replies:


"Sorry, I don't follow you..."
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