mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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The SATISFACTORY.
I asked him "what's the word on the street?"
It is a salt with a deadly weapon. :)
If it tries to eat us, serve it with red. If it runs away from us, serve it with white.
‘The Local Council have agreed to our request to change the name of the cul-de-sac where our new aged care site will be erected. They agreed to our submission that ‘St Peter’s Close’ could be misinterpreted.’
"Mom," I explained, "we don't even have a pool."
"Does our pastor neighbor's SWING count?" she countered.
Drink 5 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. Can’t?
Drink 5 glasses of wine and the wall moves by itself.
Open the bottle and allow it to breathe.
If it doesn’t seem to be breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
Bartender says...
That'll be $20.20
Optimist: "the glass is half full"
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
Realist: “the glass is empty, please pass the bottle”
"The Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro, was out politicking in the regions, kissing babies and so on. He stooped down to lift up a small child.
"Bad move. It was not a small child. It was a querulous dwarf. Bolsonaro kind of dropped him quite rapidly and moved away with a 'this-didn't-happen' look on his face.
"What kind of president do we have who can't tell a child from a dwarf, some of the attendees asked, presumably rhetorically. Bolsonaro supporters argued that it was hard to tell when everyone's wearing facemasks.
"Expect the easily confused president to issue a new edict demanding that all dwarves must have 'dwarf' stamped on their foreheads in indelible ink."
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
Realist: Gets a smaller glass to hold the water that the Pessimist has to change their perspective.
Pessimist: "the glass in half empty"
2020: "that's pee isn't it?..."
She answered, "Can you get me another ballot? Didn't we ELECT an absentee the LAST time?"
You are never gonna get out of jail free card if you are selling off your Mom's amputated body parts.
"For what, mom?" I asked. "To decorate the tree with?"
"Yeah, why not?" she returned.
"Because by donating them, mom, they've already helped foot the bill."
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the woman gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Tell your Mom, that you cannot play Monopoly because you don't have a 'get out of jail free' card.
"Mom," I say, "it's not even tomorrow yet; it's practically still YESTERDAY."
"Oh," she responds, "where did TODAY go?"
A visiting priest offered to assist hearing confessions, but requested that people write them down as he was a little hard of hearing and people often whispered in the confessional. This worked well until one woman handed him a slip saying “ ½ lb tea, ½ lb butter, 2 lb sugar, 1lb cheese’.
She was mortified about the list of sins she had left with the grocer.