I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
I do not have my ducks in a row.
I have squirrels and they're at a rave.
Seriously the Red Cross made my DH anemic by donating blood 6x in one year. They kept calling and calling and calling and finally I had to come up with proverbial lie.
MM, what is the longest time that someone sat on hold?
Anyone else have a solution? Like banging a pot lid with a wooden spoon?
Answering with, "Caller! you're on the air, what's your name?" This one works well.
I would love to hear what works for you.
Injecting sharks? Not so much!
The report said that sharks also have this second set of nano-antibodies, but are ‘more difficult to work with’. I laughed til my Jaws ached!
A Scottish Presbyterian Elder was visiting an old lady parishioner in the Higlands in a howling gale. She asked if he would like a glass of lemonade. He replied ‘This is not an occasion for lemonade’. She said ‘A glass of wine?’. Reply ‘Not an occasion for wine either’. Next ‘Well would you like a whisky and water”. Reply ‘It is not an occasion for water’.
A few days ago I gave her her lunch. She looked up, and asked: "What the hell is THIS?"
"Chicken-pot pie, mom; without the pot," I replied.
"Why?" she wanted to know, "Isn't pot legal now?"
When, I was in my senior year of high school my dark copper red hair was long over my ears, almost in my face and a bit down my neck with all of its natural waves and curls.
Now, at 63, like my dad's hair, mine has turned snow white. After all of these months, my hair with curls and waves is back down over each ear, not as much on my forehead as before and down my next some like before. One friend said that my hair looked as long on Facebook as a painting he saw once of John Wesley who had long hair.
I didn't have a beard back in high school, but I do now. It too has grown nice a long and thick. I do take a supplement, Biotin to help my hair grow.
All in all several have said that I look like I'm ready to play Santa Clause. However, I am working on loosing my belly and my wife is working with me also to loose weight on the same diet I was at first on by myself. So, whatever your hair looks like, have a good day and an early Merry Christmas!
"It's queer," she said; "I see the light
As plain as I beheld it then,
All silver-like and calm and bright ---
We've not had stars like that again!
"And she was such a gentle thing
To birth a baby in the cold.
The barn was dark and frightening ---
This new one's better than the old.
"I mind my eyes were full of tears,
For I was young, and quick distressed
But she was less than me in years
That held a son against her breast.
"I never saw a sweeter child ---
The little one, the darling one! ---
I mind I told her, when he smiled
You'd know he was his mother's son.
"It's queer that I should see them so ---
The time they came to Bethlehem
Was more than thirty years ago;
I've prayed that all is well with them."
I always think of the last verse of "One Perfect Rose"
Why is it no one ever sent me
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no! It's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
And on the Hallowe'en tradition of ducking for apples:
"There but for one small typo goes the story of my life."
Medical Dictionary:
Artery.....the study of painting
Enema...not a friend
Fester.....quicker
Nitrates...cheaper than day rates
Node....was aware of
Tumor...more than one
Varicose....nearby
If all the girls of Harvard were laid end to end.........I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
When asked to use the word HORTICULTURE in a sentence....
You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
"I think I might have a urinary infection.... I need to make an appointment with the dentist"!
I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind. Khalil Gibran