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Ops! I did my "mommy, is that you?!!?" It was my insurance company calling from a different number. She was a bit confused, but we got a good laugh at my expense.
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This is from El Arroyo the restaurant in Texas which has been displaying jokes on its billboard.

I do not have my ducks in a row.
I have squirrels and they're at a rave.
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A nice little Church Chuckle: An overseas letter arrived in the PO sorting office in Cardiff, Wales, addressed only to ‘W G Christian and Sons, Solicitors, Wales’. It was eventually delivered, with a handwritten note saying ‘No Christians in Cardiff, try Swansea’.
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I'll answer unwanted calls that I haven't already blocked yet with a kind voice that asks them if they are saved? and follow that up with because if you were saved, you would not have this job.
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Isthisrealyreal: A whistle. "You're being recorded."
Seriously the Red Cross made my DH anemic by donating blood 6x in one year. They kept calling and calling and calling and finally I had to come up with proverbial lie.
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graygrammie, I never get a word from a caller when I say they are on the air, instant hang up. I think that I will use your method if I ever get one that doesn't just hang up. That's so good.

MM, what is the longest time that someone sat on hold?
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Regarding unwanted telephone solicitors, I've done the "Hello, you are on the air!" response. And then I go on and "interview" them about their opinion on the topic of the day (something crazy I pull out of my head, like "eating octopus eyeballs") and tell them my listeners are eager to hear their story. Usually they hang up pretty quickly. Dh hates when I do this because in his opinion, it is lying. To me, it is pulling their leg and wasting their time.
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My method is to say ‘I’ll get my husband, I won’t be a minute’, put the phone down on my desk, and wait to see how long it takes them to hang up.
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I inadvertently found the solution to unwanted solicitors. I answer the phone in my best kiddie voice and ask, "Mommy, is that you?!?!"

Anyone else have a solution? Like banging a pot lid with a wooden spoon?

Answering with, "Caller! you're on the air, what's your name?" This one works well.

I would love to hear what works for you.
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Margaret: Thanks and actually I had heard that story about Llamas, Alpacas and all in the Camelid family in re the Novel Coronavirus. Who knew?
Injecting sharks? Not so much!
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This is one to amuse Llamalover. Our News site reports that the camelid family (Llamas, Alpacas [like our Hector Protector] and Camels) have two immune antibodies (humans have only one), and the second tiny antibody has already been used in HIV research. Now they are injecting Alpacas with Covid and seeing if their blood will develop these antibodies.

The report said that sharks also have this second set of nano-antibodies, but are ‘more difficult to work with’. I laughed til my Jaws ached!
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What did the salad dressing say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Shut the door, I'm dressing!!!!!!!! :)
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Silly jokes can help me get through the day. Here's one: Why was the lettuce embarrassed? Because it saw the salad dressing. Hope all of you are getting through the day. :)
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And another church chuckle:

A Scottish Presbyterian Elder was visiting an old lady parishioner in the Higlands in a howling gale. She asked if he would like a glass of lemonade. He replied ‘This is not an occasion for lemonade’. She said ‘A glass of wine?’. Reply ‘Not an occasion for wine either’. Next ‘Well would you like a whisky and water”. Reply ‘It is not an occasion for water’.
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Back to Church Chuckles. When school went back after Christmas, the boys had to write a composition about what they did on Christmas Day. The Vicar’s son said they went to church in the morning and then for evensong, had a Christmas lunch and opened their presents. The Roman Catholic boy went to Mass, then presents and then sang carols. The Jewish boy whose father owned the local toy shop, said that as usual they went down after breakfast to fix up the empty shelves, and then sang ‘What a friend we have in Jesus’.
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As usual, I cook/serve mom her meals. She's bedridden and constantly confused.

A few days ago I gave her her lunch. She looked up, and asked: "What the hell is THIS?"

"Chicken-pot pie, mom; without the pot," I replied.

"Why?" she wanted to know, "Isn't pot legal now?"
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I like the idea and humor of sharing about how one looks after months of sheltering inside because the the virus.

When, I was in my senior year of high school my dark copper red hair was long over my ears, almost in my face and a bit down my neck with all of its natural waves and curls.

Now, at 63, like my dad's hair, mine has turned snow white. After all of these months, my hair with curls and waves is back down over each ear, not as much on my forehead as before and down my next some like before. One friend said that my hair looked as long on Facebook as a painting he saw once of John Wesley who had long hair.

I didn't have a beard back in high school, but I do now. It too has grown nice a long and thick. I do take a supplement, Biotin to help my hair grow.

All in all several have said that I look like I'm ready to play Santa Clause. However, I am working on loosing my belly and my wife is working with me also to loose weight on the same diet I was at first on by myself. So, whatever your hair looks like, have a good day and an early Merry Christmas!
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My new look since corona shelter in place is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. All I need is a sailor's hat, collar and tie and an all white outfit.
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Margaret: Thank you sharing that lovely, structured poem of Dorothy Parker's. The metre was pristine.
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Margaret, that was lovely 😍
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Dorothy Parker had many snarky sayings, but she also wrote the most beautiful poem, entitled ‘The Maid-Servant at the Inn’. I hope no-one minds me posting it here…

"It's queer," she said; "I see the light
As plain as I beheld it then,
All silver-like and calm and bright ---
We've not had stars like that again!

"And she was such a gentle thing
To birth a baby in the cold.
The barn was dark and frightening ---
This new one's better than the old.

"I mind my eyes were full of tears,
For I was young, and quick distressed
But she was less than me in years
That held a son against her breast.

"I never saw a sweeter child ---
The little one, the darling one! ---
I mind I told her, when he smiled
You'd know he was his mother's son.

"It's queer that I should see them so ---
The time they came to Bethlehem
Was more than thirty years ago;
I've prayed that all is well with them."
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The matchless Ms Parker - it's the lightness of touch that appeals, as in her review of (I'm sorry to say, because she's another heroine) Katharine Hepburn: "Miss Hepburn ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."

I always think of the last verse of "One Perfect Rose"

Why is it no one ever sent me
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no! It's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

And on the Hallowe'en tradition of ducking for apples:

"There but for one small typo goes the story of my life."
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Ok, I can’t resist another today..This is something we are all interested in:
Medical Dictionary:
Artery.....the study of painting
Enema...not a friend
Fester.....quicker
Nitrates...cheaper than day rates
Node....was aware of
Tumor...more than one
Varicose....nearby
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. He went ahead and made love to her. Afterward he went downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How did you get downstairs so fast”. He asked, “we were just making love”. “Oh my” his wife replied “that’s my mother up there! “She came over earlier and complained of a headache, I told her to lie down for a while. Rushing upstairs the wife ran into the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something.” The mother in law huffed “ I haven't talked to that jerk in 15 years I Wasn’t about to start now!”
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More Dorthy Parker....

If all the girls of Harvard were laid end to end.........I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

When asked to use the word HORTICULTURE in a sentence....

You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.
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This one is a wry chuckle at best:
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
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I recently read a complaint from the flat earthers that all this social distancing is pushing some of them over the edge....
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My sister lives with an elderly woman with dementia. She shared a story with me that made me LOL! Facts 1st. My sister is at risk for COVID-19 due to her COPD and a recent heart valve replacement. I am her care giver as a provider thru IHSS. Lately my role as HER assistant has me doing double duty, to assist with the growing tasks of Mom Honeycutt. So, the being said, here is what was said;
"I think I might have a urinary infection.... I need to make an appointment with the dentist"!
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When I was 12 years old I wanted a new bicycle, so I prayed every night asking God to send me one. Then I realized that God does not work that way. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
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This isn’t a joke, but it’s an interesting slant on other things, sometimes relevant here:

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind. Khalil Gibran
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