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A cartoon in the Sydney Morning Herald shows a couple walking side by side with heads close together, using the lady’s bra two cups as masks for each of them. He says ‘You COULD have cut up my socks’. She says ‘No way, I KNOW those socks’.
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Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato
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Q: What sign are you most compatible with?

A: The Krispy Kreme Hot-n-Ready!
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My favourite Mae West was this exchange:

Admirer: Goodness, what lovely diamonds!
Ms West: Goodness had nothin' to do with it.
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I think we've had this before, but anyway:

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
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If you’re right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 3%?
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If you are American when you go in the bathroom and you are American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom?

















European!
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I was going to post a time traveler joke.....but you guys didn't like it.
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Chuck Norris has been exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus is now in quarantine for a month.
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This is a humorous story that Golden's post reminded me of

A girl who lived off campus in college asked to borrow my car so she could take her clothes to the laundry to wash. She did and let me know that I could pick up my car. When I parked my car at the dorm, I saw black panties in the back seat. When I picked them up, I saw the word Friday sown in red letters on them. I've often wondered what the other days of the week were colored but I did not ask her when I returned her panties. I thought, if Friday was black, then Saturday must be red with that day sown on them in black letters. Then possibly, Sunday was white because she'd go to church and confess her sins. :)
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A small boy is lost, so he goes up to a policeman and says. "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman says, "What's he like?"
The little boy replies, "Beer and women."
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A genie granted a man a single wish. The man said, "I wish to live forever!"
"Sorry." said the genie. "That's the one wish I can't grant."
"In that case," said the man, "I want to live until the day that the government is filled with honest men and women whose sole and only wish and purpose is to do their best possible job for the sole benefit of their constituents."
The genie: "You crafty, old bastard!"
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'I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.' Elvis Presley
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Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
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Put your brains to work...
Which one of the following does not belong with the others:
Binoculars, Eyeglasses, Goggles, Handlebars, Jeans, Pliers, Scissors, Shoes, Tweezers?




















Shoes are the only "pair" that actually has two separate pieces.
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I got a real tough penance from the priest. He told me to do a decade of the rosary. The good news is I have only one more year to go.
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Ewww yuck, tongue in cheek!

Thinkie about it!
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Here's some good (albeit tongue in cheek) advice for 2020

TREAT YOUR MASK LIKE UNDERWEAR

Do not touch or adjust (especially in public).
Do not borrow or lend.
Make sure fit is tight but comfortable.
Make sure it is clean.
Wear the right side out.
If it is damp, change it.
Don't go commando.
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A State employee, first week on the job and he is assigned to paint lines on the road.
On the first day he paints 6 miles, and his supervisor is amazed.
the second day he paints only 3 and on the third day only 1. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem is. the guy replies...Well sir every day I have to walk farther and farther back to the bucket of paint.
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Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most renaissance paintings paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.
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A defense lawyer was cross-examining a police officer who arrested his client; the case hinges on the trustworthiness of the officers involved in the arrest:

Lawyer: “Now then Officer Smith, would you say that you trust your fellow officers?”

Officer Smith: “Yes sir absolutely, I trust them with my life.”

Lawyer: “I see. Now tell me, do you have a communal locker room at your station?”

Officer Smith: “We do…”

Lawyer: “And do you have locks on those lockers?”

Officer Smith: “Yes”
(Lawyer grins, smugly turns to face the jury and pulls on his lapels)

Lawyer: “But I don’t understand Officer Smith, if you trust your fellow officers why do you need locks? Isn't it a bit strange that you say you would trust someone with your life but not your wallet?”

Officer Smith: “Ah well you see sir, we share our building with a courtroom and occasionally lawyers have been known to walk through there…”
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The Zen Master steps up to the hot dog cart and says.."Make me one with everything"
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20.00 bill. The hot dog vendor puts it in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" the Zen Master asks.
The vendor responds...."Change must come from within"
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A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow" his wife angrily told him, "there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds!"
Next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package on the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it...and found a brand new ...bathroom scale....


Funeral services have been set for her husband for Saturday.
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Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?


All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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My husband and I decided to rewrite our wills.

Plain and simply stated: "Being of sound mind and disposing memory, we spent it all!"
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If God approved of nudist camps, we would all have been born naked.
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The judge asked the defendant what his name is.

The defendant answered: my name is Joshua your honor.

The judge asked: Are you the Joshua that made the sun stand still?

Defendant answered: No sir! I am the one that made the moonshine.
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The 7 year old comes home and tells her mom that a little boy in the park asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear, the mother sighs. "What happened honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes then double billed the insurance company"
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A very shy guy goes into a bar, he sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar and after an hour of gathering his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "UM would you mind if I chatted with you a while?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is looking at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over and apologies. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations".
To which he responds at the top of his lungs..."What do you mean $200?"
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Because of COVID -

I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me.

So in retrospect, in 2015, not single person got the answer right to "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

Everything for summer has been cancelled...Let's just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year!!!
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