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There was a sign on an orange cone:

"Covid testing in the rear."
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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person that upset you.
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Two tourists are driving through Louisiana. As they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one tourist asks the employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce the name of this place..very slowly"?
The girl leans over the counter and says.."Burrrrrgerrrrrr, Kiiiiing".
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A guy is walking down a hospital hallway with a doctor friend of his. As they pass a room they see a man masturbating furiously. "My God", the guy says, "what is he doing?" The doctor explains that the man has a very, very rare disease and that masturbation is the only effective treatment. The guy and doctor pass another room and they see a man receiving oral sex from a beautiful, young nurse. "What's wrong with that patient?" the guy asks. "Oh", the doctors says, "he has the same rare disease but he has a much better healthcare plan."
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I invented a new word: Plagiarism!
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I went back to ‘Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids’ yesterday, but they were just too awful to post. eg
Q: What starts with an E and ends with an E, but has only one letter in it?
A: An envelope. Groan!

However this morning found a great ‘Aussie Bloke’ postcard message for our local wine district:
‘Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer’
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I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.
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I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough!
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Lol Send, the picture your comment brought to mind. Running downhill with poo running down our legs and murder hornets in hot pursuit.

By the time grandchildren get to that age murder hornets will be extinct and there will be execution wasps. They'll have little guillotine stingers. Oh the joy!😰
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Clarlady asked what the abbreviation DH means. I found this response from Beatty really funny, and it made my own DH laugh out loud:

'My Dear Hubby told me he always thought it stood for D*#k Head 😜. He asked to be represented instead as HOM (hot older male). I suggested HOG (hot older gentleman) but in my head was Hairy Old Guy. '

Not my own DH - he's bald!
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Many years from now, we will be regaling our Covid years to the grandchildren. What we did for toilet paper:
We had to wipe our butts on the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill.
Both ways.
While fighting off murder hornets.
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A little boy asked his grandpa, "Where does poo come from?" Grandpa was taken aback, but tried to give him the best simple explanation of the biology of it that he could. The boy looked shocked. He stared awkwardly for a few seconds and hesitatingly asked, "And what about Tigger?"
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You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
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This joke forum is a life-saver!
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We lent daughter a super-dooper nutcracker for macadamia nuts, which have hard sharp shells that are very uncomfortable under-foot. Daughter says to grandson, age 5, ‘I hope you haven’t left any more shells on the floor’. Grandson, looking more angelic than usual, says ‘No. But some of them flew away’.
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This isn't a joke, but one of the funny stories I've collected during my husband's dementia journey. My hubby was hospitalized for almost 2 months last summer due to his dementia. It was, as you can imagine a very stressful ordeal for both of us. One morning when I walked into my husband's room he looked at me like he'd never seen me before & he said, "You are a Fox! Who do you go home with at night?" I laughed out loud for a long time. I was thankful to have this funny moment during a very stressful time😊 God bless all of my fellow caregivers❤
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My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Perhaps I should have said 'Oedipus + Freud'.
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I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad - Freud
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A Riddle:

How do you help a person who uses a scooter for mobility celebrate Independence Day?

You place bubble wrap under the scooter wheels and he drives back and forth.

(Spouse enjoyed this.)
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They don’t make American tourists like they used to 50 years ago. ‘Church Chuckles’ has:

A Somerset man and his wife visiting Canterbury Cathedral were approached by an American tourist who asked “Say, is this place open on Sundays?”

If you find that strange, I actually heard a similarly sophisticated guy ask his personal guide (loudly) in Greece: “Hercules, was he before or after Christ?”

I think guys like that have gone the way of their enormous suggestive telephoto lenses.
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A termite walks into a bar, sits on a stool, raps on the wooden bar and says, Is the bar tender here?"

Get it? No punchline. You just have to get the joke.
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A stooped, white haired man walked into a jewellery store Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side and told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." 
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, "Sir...There's no money in that account." "I know," said the man..."But let me tell you about my weekend."
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Cwillie, OpShops are the best source I've found (also around 50c a go). Inscriptions suggest that they were a Christmas present for Grandpa etc, and they only got one read. With the Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids, I'm not surprised - and most of them are worse. EG Q: Why were the elephants late in getting into the Ark? A: They had to pack their trunks. And there's actually a cartoon that says
Q: What's huge, grey and groans? A: A bad elephant joke.
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Sorry Margaret I still haven't found a good source for new jokes to share, I'm still looking!
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No-one likes my Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids! I thought it was quite interesting to see what kids actually think is funny (mostly words with more than one meaning). Anyway, my daily joke tomorrow will come from a different source. Not all the joke books I manage to pick up are up to our elevated standards!
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I thought Sendhelp liked the joke because she wrote
“LOL, 97 y.o. Mom”

Then I got to thinking about how much wine that would be. About 900 bottles!
Jesus didn’t mess around.

Here is another wine JOKE

The wife sitting next to her husband on the sofa says “I love you”

The husband says “ Is that you talking OR the wine?”

The wife says, “It’s me.....
talking to the wine.”
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Day 1 of quarantine: I'm going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 45 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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OK, back to the Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids book:

Q: How do you fit an elephant into a matchbox?
A: First you take out all the matches.

Q: What footwear makes you fall over?
A: Slippers.

Q: What part of the railway line never wakes up?
A: The sleepers.

Enough already! Church Chuckles are better!
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