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Work: Getting to the top, starting from the bottom

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up, you’re on the job.

And:

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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“I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.”
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Groucho Marx: ‘Whoever named it ‘necking’ was a poor judge of anatomy.’
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A broken mirror is seven years bad luck.

A broken condom is eighteen.
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An English Lord said to his son, “Harry, it is time to get married. How about Princess Anne of Cornwall?”
-“No father, she gossips too much.”

“How about Lady Elizabeth of Kent?”
-“No father, she plays cards too much.”

”Well, who then?”
-“Father... the gardener has such a handsome son...”

”Harry! He’s Roman Catholic!”
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Despite the high cost of living.... it remains popular.
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Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, seapite not having a brain.

This gives so many people hope.
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Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain.

This gives so many people hope!
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A couple of ‘It’s my fault, I was crazy to marry him’ statements:

Q: What do you have in common with your husband?
A: We were both married on the same day.

I should have realised - Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
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My daughter and I once washed my brother's cat. It did not go well! lol
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Has Coronavirus forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
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Good job!
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Sendhelp just posted to the thread entitled: What are you reading right now?

"Due to the Stay-at-home order, I finished 3 books yesterday,

and believe me, that's a lot of coloring."

Love it! And also the excuse on another thread "Sorry, I have to wash the cat".
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How religion by-passes some of the young:

A Sunday school teacher is discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asks, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
One boy immediately answers 'Thou shall not kill.'

Two boys were walking home on Sunday after hearing a good old fashioned Hellfire sermon. One says to the other, 'What do you think about this Satan stuff?'
The reply? 'Well, you know how Father Christmas turned out. It's probably just your Dad dressed up.'
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Yeah! New posters! Thanks!
The news is so dreadful that we all need a smile. Here are some uplifting thoughts to make us all feel just so much better:

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. 
But I laugh more.
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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
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I am sure that this will resonate with many here.

What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?












Out-laws are wanted!
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I heard a few good ones from my sweet mom...

The three hardest things to say...

1. I was wrong.
2. I need help.
3. Worcestershire sauce


A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, a non-romantic, replied: "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."


I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing.


I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years, you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's the secret?"

He said, "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm scared to ask her."
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Another round of covid jokes

I heard the government is putting chips inside of people....
I hope I get doritos.


We're going to have to stop using the expression "avoid it like the plague", because it turns out people do not really do that


Covid is starting to feel like the check engine light - at first it freaks you out but after a while you're like "meh, I gotta get to work"
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The other day I saw Jimmy Peterson, my best friend from 2nd grade, on the street. I went up to him and said, "Hi Jimmy, you old reprobate! How you doin'?" and I slapped him on the back and laughed, but he started crying and screaming and he ran away.

Then I realized, if that really were Jimmy Peterson, he'd have grown up too...
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I saw an add for "Quarantine Beer" it was a 96-pack
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Toilet humor for a change from chocolate:

If people are talking behind your back, just fart.

Question: What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Answer: Anyone can pop corn.
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Haha Margaret I love rocky road too! :)
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Encouragement for Frazzled Mama:

“I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. However it was a rocky road.”
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The joys of good behavior:

"It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen". Mamie van Doren

A group of bikies were having a snack in a motoway cafe, when they started taking the mickey out of a short bloke having a coffee. He got up quietly and left. The bikies laughed as he walked out, and shouted “Not much of a he-man, you might say”. The girl behind the counter said a couple of minutes later “Not much of a driver either. He’s just backed his semi-trailer over eight motor bikes".
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You can leave money unattended in a room with me and every dime will still be there when you get back. If you leave M&Ms or something, well that's a different story.
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Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings:

Teacher asks ‘If you have ten lollies and your sister asks you for four, how many do you have left?’
Prompt answer: Ten.

A four year old was drawing one of those pencil pictures that end up on the fridge door. The kindergarten teacher asked what it was. Little girl says ‘God’. Teacher says ‘But no-one knows what God looks like’. Little girl says crossly ‘They will when I’ve finished’.
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Hi, what are you up to today?

A friend and I are going to buy some glasses.

And after that?

After that we'll see....
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The smartest people referred to in my home are the astronaut.😀
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