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Would a truly smart person agree to be flung in to outer space?

Danger Will Robinson DANGER!
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We take our smartest people and fling them out into space.
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My ‘heads up’ is that I bought a second hand book in the Op Shop entitled ‘Awful Jokes For Australian Kids’, when I was down in town the last few days. I’m trying to make a smile every day, but these jokes are purer than most Australian kids of my knowledge. I'm trying to pick them, but it will teach me to be a bit more tolerant of ‘filth’! Here's a couple that are the (living?) end.

A taxi driver was having a good old moan to his fare about back seat drivers and how much they annoyed him. The fare says’ Well I’ve been driving for years and I’ve never been annoyed by a back seat driver”. “Don’t believe you. What did you drive?” Answer: “A hearse”.

The deceased’s will was being read aloud to the family after the funeral. It was all very solemn until the lawyer got to ’and to my brother Bruce, who kept saying that I should remember him in my will, G’day Bruce’.
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Photo of an occupied bird's nest between a car's mirror and window glass with the caption "When you realize how long its been since you've gone anywhere."
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lilhelp you are funny.

Notrydoyoda, you would be censored by the joke police for being racy. But I think that we all get it without it being said.
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Possibly racy?

I would say something about up against the wall, but that would be too racy.
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I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt
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"What do we want?"
"A cure for dementia!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"
***************
They say that you are what you eat...
I don't remember eating a person with dementia
***************
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My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

***
Sorry to hear about your dementia...
But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?

Ok, we need humor.... or go insane.... what part did I miss?
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Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

Something here about golden brothers and stainless steel sisters?
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Copied from somewhere else: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

Bleach!
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Copied from Facebook:

Q: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

A: Colonoscopy prep.
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A long-ago comment from Mae West: All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

And one from Phyllis Diller: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Three laughable ways to make a (temporary) living:

1) People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.

2) Sometimes, I just wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle, and not screaming in horror, like the passengers on his bus.

3) When William joined the army he got nervous about the phrase 'fire at will'.
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Another chemist joke:

Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" said the assistant "so I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist says, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Yes you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough."

And one for all of us:

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the blazes happened!
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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
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When does money fall from the sky?


When there is change in the weather.

:)
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One night at the supper table my father is talking about the "old man" in a newspaper article. I just had to ask..
Me: So how old is the man in the paper?
Dad: 64
Me: And you are how old?
Dad: 66
Me: Does this mean we can officially start calling you an old man now?
Dad: I guess so.
Me: Does this mean you plan on stepping out of the way and letting the younger folks have a chance? No more attending the planning commission meetings and showing the city's young building department people how little they know about historic building structures and methods?
Dad: NO! If they can't take the time to research before publicly offering an stupid recommendation that's their problem.
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Some chemist jokes:

What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well if you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
AND
The accident victim was losing blood rapidly. The paramedics told him that he needed an immediate transfusion, and asked if he knew his blood group. They said that that his chances weren’t good. His last words were, "Be positive."
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I saw my hearing aid specialist today. Last month she finished her doctorate of audiology.

When I looked at my appointment card her degree followed her name ___ Au D.

I imagine she felt like she had paid enough to buy an Audi after all of her education to receive an Au D!
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not a joke but I saw a young woman wearing a T-shirt that read
"Stop staring at my D--k."
Got a good laugh from that
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I really like this one:

Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. It’s very convenient, because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.

And one for dog people:
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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Trouble with the senses:

"Lately, when I close my eyes, I see a bunch of white spots."
"Have you seen an Ophthalmologist?"
"No, just a bunch of white spots."

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
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More groaners:

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!

What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
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If a man says he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it.
There's no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
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Ouch!

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
Anna is very excited and wishes for the trip to Thailand that she’s been dreaming about for years.. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
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LN Reason posted this to a different thread. It's worth a wider audience:

My husband who now has dementia/alzheimers depending on which doctor you talk to - went to our family doctor for his 6 month check up. After doing a urine sample the doctor told him "Pull your zipper up, you don't want to bother the ladies in the waiting room." Without hesitation my husband replied "What can't get up - can't get out." I was embarrassed but once I got home and since then it cracks me up. Such honesty and he wasn't be a cad - just open and honest like a child. I still smile when I think of the doctor's response - he didn't say a word.
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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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I 'm curious if my car keys ever wonder where I am?
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Old jokes, the best I can do. Making up new ones is not my forte. I have a bit of an inferiority complex about re-using old ones, but as you can see, it's not a very good one.

AND If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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