Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Thanks to Cuz49341 who originally posted this on another thread, way back in 2013. Ladies, you will all be able to identify with this one:

FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM?"

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED it? You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest? you've GOT to be kidding!).

I’ve got another true personal experience, when the tram company announced at a community meeting that they were cutting out a stop because ‘no-one ever uses it and it slows down the service timetable’. A particularly loud lady whose voice I wish I could replicate here, stands up and says ‘If no-one ever uses it, how can it slow down the service?’. Fair enough question, Erin!

Margaret, I am NOT kidding. My local bus service actually told that to me!!! That was the reason supplied that they continually left my 12yr old at the side of the road.

To add to that, their 'run sheet' stated S.C. Some new drivers stopped at the Secondary College, some at the Shopping Centre & some at a Secondary Collage in the next suburb! My 12 yr old being dropped off at random places for her first taste of high school & public transport was NO JOKE.

But being a joke site:

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

This memorable blunder was entitled ‘the worst bus service’, but I think it should have been ‘the most hopeless council’. After complaints that a bus regularly failed to stop and pick up queues of waiting people along its route, the council’s comment was that ‘if they stopped to pick up people, they couldn’t stick to the bus timetable’.

I'm not taking a political side with this one, just something creative a techie can really appreciate.

One of the Trump campaign sites has a funny 404 page (the error message page displayed when an invalid sub-page URL is used on a valid domain). Instead of a simple "this link is invalid message" it displays a photo of a confused looking Biden and the text "You seem to be as lost as I am."

Q. How do you tell a stoat from a weasel?
A. A weasel is weasily distinguishable while a stoat is stoatally different!

Margaret - that's funny!!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Cows have hooves because they lactose...........

 Heee heheehee (...insert painful groan here ;-)

Another ‘memorable blunder’, from the days when hijacks seemed to happen just about every week. In 1976 a guy stood up from his seat on a US internal flight, drew a gun, took a hostess hostage and said ‘Take me to Detroit’. She said ‘We’re already going to Detroit’. He said ‘Oh!...Good!’, and sat down again. It didn’t seem worthwhile arresting him. He clearly needed sympathy instead.

I’m sorry I made the first ‘not a joke’ post, but please could we open another thread for new problems and keep this one funny at a time when we all need a smile?

Thanks, Shell. I will definitely check it out.

Earlybird,

I got the Ring and I love it! You can get the Ring doorbell or/and Ring floodlight both has cameras. The Ring doorbell is what we have it was around 100 bucks and it's 3 dollars a month to keep the video! You just download the app on your phone and whoever else phone.

Just a thought!

Update... Neighbor across the street confronted by my niece yesterday about looking in our front windows. Niece asked them why they were looking in and stated she was alone and afraid. Neighbor said they were looking at our garage and then changed her mind and said she was looking at the deserted house with tulips. I decided I will not tell the noisy neighbor we are not moving after all. The across the street neighbor was looking in the living room at the furnishings. Gives me the creepies. Now we close our blinds when we leave the house which is rare these days. I am glad it was not at night. I would have called the police. Now I decided to get a security camera for outdoors added to our already security system indoors, and we are getting new garage doors with a pad lock We used to go on vacation for a month, sometimes a family friend would stay at our house and sometimes pop in 2- 3 times per week. I guess I no longer have to worry about that. My thought on the other neighbors across the street. They thought we moved on Friday, the van was gone. Lets get some of their stuff before the new owner arrives. We really don't know people do we? How about honesty, integrity and class. I opened my eyes to these noisy neighbors. The atmosphere around here is a little weird . People tip toeing around because they were caught and can't face us. I just shake my head.

This is not a joke but I think it is funny. My niece was feeding my mother her lunch and she told my mom to pick her head up so she wouldn't choke. My mother put her fist in her face and said "you I would like to pound" Another time my niece was retiring for the night. It was midnight and she gave my mother a kiss and hug and all of a sudden my mom said she was sleeping and she elbowed my niece with extreme force in her stomach. My niece said Geeze what was that for? I was just giving you a hug and kiss. Mom replied, " oh come here and I will give you a hug and kiss, niece said no way and went to sleep. My mothers father was professional boxer before he married my grandmother, maybe that is where my mom gets it. She never laid a hand on me in my life and certainly nerver punched me or spoke to me in this manner. All I can do is laugh about it, but niece does not think it was too funny.

Shell, this is not a joke, just a reminder of how good people can be. Alice Springs in Oz has a wig ‘library’ for women who have had hair loss following cancer treatment. They can try them on, take them home and see how their family likes them, then return them if and when their hair grows again. What a great community idea!

Another ‘memorable blunder’ - (I’m enjoying this book). A couple are indulging themselves on the car back seat when the guy slipped a disk – he’s in agony and immobilised. Girl friend couldn’t get out from under. She managed to get a toe onto the horn, and attracted a small crowd of sympathisers. They called the police, emergency squad etc, who decided that the only way to remove them safely was to use their metal cutters to remove a part of the back of the car. Eventually the guy was carted off to hospital, and the lady was told he should be OK. She says ‘Sod him, how can I explain to my husband what’s happened to the car?’

I have a wig. I used to have a tendency to impulse buy. One afternoon hubs and I were in the mall and I breezed into a wig outlet. I tried on a few and settled on a auburn one that was just past my shoulders. This thick mane of auburn hair that I thought at the time really made my green eyes pop.

I was so thrilled with my appearance that I said I wanted to wear it right then and there. So I was happily checking myself out in the store windows as we walked past and realized that it really looked kind of ridiculous. Then I noticed it was sliding off my head too and I really looked like an ass so I pulled it off in disgust.

Now I know what they mean by buyers remorse. It was not cheap either. Live and learn.

LOL, Shell.

True story: I worked in a bar in the early 90's. Actually it was a cocktail bar were the servers wear kind of sexy outfit. There was a server who act like she was hot stuff and better then everyone else, she always wore hair extensions or wigs.

Well one day, she made another server mad and they were pushing and yelling at each other in the middle of the bar and as the hot stuff was walking away she turned around to say something to the other girl and as she was speaking she was moving her head around and her hair fell off. I guess the wig was not tight enough because it fell off and landed on a customer's lap. Let's say that poor girl never came back to work!

Update on the nosey neighbor. I went grocery shopping yesterday and got a call from niece that neighbors across the street were standing on our property looking in the front picture window of our house, my niece looked directly at them and apparently they were surprised and took off. I told niece she should have confronted them and asked why they were looking in our window. I bet nosey neighbor told them we moved and they thought we were long gone, no other explanation I can think of. Very odd.

Here’s another ‘memorable blunder’. A canal in England needed cleaning out for the first time in over a century, as over the years people had chucked in bedsteads, old chairs etc. The cleaning crew did a first pass with a dredger, and went to lunch. A policeman came to get them because of a large whirlpool in the canal. When they arrived there was no water, just holiday canal boats stuck in the mud surrounded by rubbish. It turned out that the first dredge had removed a large plug in the bottom of the canal, that stopped the water draining away. ‘Nobody knew there was a plug’, said the Waterways Board.

What do older women have between their boobs that younger women don’t?


A belly button! 😜

Cows have hooves because they lactose...........
(insert painful groan here)

I went on Facebook to check the public posts of a longtime former poster and fabulous cook here. She was reading a recipe and was flumoxxed by the instructions: "add onions and sweat....." until she realized that "sweat" was a verb not a noun.

I got this one from a book about memorable blunders:
A local museum in County Durham, England, displayed a Roman coin minted `between AD135 and AD138’. A 9 year old school girl pointed out that ‘it was in fact a plastic token given away free by a soft drinks firm in exchange for bottle labels’. Asked to explain, she said ‘I knew because the firm’s trademark was printed on the back’. The ‘coin’ was designed as a Roman replica, but the ‘R’ on the back stood for ‘Robinsons’, the soft drink firm, not ‘Roma’. Whoops!

I'm clicking the "thumbs up" icon to 'like' a post, but nothing is happening.

I tried to like my own post.

There are some newer abbreviations for LMAO.
LMMO = Laughing my mask off.
LMFMO = Laughing my f mask off.

DH just bought a Mother's Day card... With a lovely retro housewife reading instructions from a recipe book *use leftover wine*.

??? What's leftover wine???

His Mum will get it 😁. She likes a glass but only with company - must be getting very dry these days...

1/3rd will be cooking with wine!

Those of us without a drinking problem will possibly those who did not practice safe distancing from food to keep our own curves down like me.