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Riverdale, I went back three weeks on the site, and nothing was repeated. ???
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Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens
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Re-interpretation:
Repaint and grin no more....
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Some people's hearing is bad. They hear Jesus' words to repent and sin no more as repaint and thin no more.
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“They say that you can’t fix STUPID. Seems you can’t QUARANTINE it either”.
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Some jokes are getting repeated in around a week or so.
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Fellow reported that after the neighborhood kids toilet papered his house, the value estimate went up to $775,000
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"I was with my German class at a German food place when a girl from my class started choking. She tried to drink water and it just came spilling back out. Turns out both a doctor and a nurse were in the place (not together). They ended up arguing about what to do because the Heimlich maneuver helped her a bit (she was able to get some air) but the food was still lodged.
 
After a minute of them bickering, a large Australian dude (this was in the US) came over, told them they were both idiots, and flipped the 16 year old girl upside down. He gave her a hard whack on the back, food came flying out, and he sat back down and finished his dinner."
- Reddit (?)
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I just looked on Ebay for a couple of tons of chicken manure for farm fertiliser. To my surprise, it came up under ‘Condition: Used first”. DH says Nah, we can afford “New with tags”.
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A TV show displayed a cardboard sign on a mailbox. It said "Mailbox quarantine. No bills accepted at this time." 
:) 
:) 
:)
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Metoo, that is so funny! I didn’t chuckle. I laughed loud and long.
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.
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"My friend was cleaning a septic tank. He was a pretty salty guy and kept cussing and pulling out blockages. When the home owner asked what that was, my friend told him that every time he screwed his old lady, and flushed the condoms, they end up blocking his pump.
 
It got real quiet and the guy says, "I built this house 5 years ago. I've had a vasectomy 7 years ago."
 
He looked at his wife.  She took off running, and the guy took off after her. My friend said that he just quit and packed up knowing he wasn't going to get paid."
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I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A LITTLE CHURCH HUMOR.
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
Pass this along to some other old fogey so they can smile today. (I just did)
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Here’s another headline I had to read a couple of times, even when fully awake: ‘Plane spotting flies in the face of CoronaVirus lockdowns’.
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Hello. You have reached The Seasons. Due to extremely heavy call volume please call back at a later time with your request for Spring to start.
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DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED;)).

Why do Brunettes and Redheads like to sit around and tell blonde jokes?
What else are they going to do on Saturday nights?

What do Chubby people and Mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
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Lauren:
My dad took me out to practice driving when I was 17. At one point, he told me to stop and get out of the car in the middle of the road. 

“Look at the car! Look at the lane! Which one is bigger?”

I said, “The lane?”

“THEN STAY IN IT!”

Mom paid for me to have private lessons after that.
        
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Unbelievable! A person can walk into a store now to buy weed, but must meet their hairdresser in a dark alley with cash to get a haircut.
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book,

That reminds me of a true story with a funny ending. Williamsburg, VA was being restored, but the old mental health hospital there was still in use. A patient was out in the yard working when Mr. Rockefeller walked by and said hello I'm J. D. Rockefeller to which the patient replied and I'm Napoleon. Each of them thought the other was mentally ill.
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When police pulls over a famous or well-known person for drunk driving, that famous line never fails to come out of their mouth. Below is one city cop's reaction to this:

Whenever someone would get all huffy and demand, “Do you know who I am?” … He would immediately get on his radio and say, “This is going to be a psychiatric case. Subject doesn’t know who he is.”
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Visualize a meme with an obese couple at the end of the stay at home rule. The husband says to the wife. "How do we get out of the door?" ha, ha, ha, ha
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Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not to prevent the virus but to stop eating.
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"One day, my 3 year old son was being absolutely awful: kicking, biting, pulling my hair, slapping me in the face – just having a really bad day. So, I’m trying to put a diaper on him and the downstairs neighbors called the cops for a noise violation. When I answered the door, the cops asked if they could search the home.
 
They found the suspect, and then proceeded to educate him on domestic violence.
 
It was brilliant."
- Reddit ??
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Yes, CM, that's just what I thought! I'm still sure that it isn't funny for the people hit by the tornadoes, but....
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Margaret the reason I'm crying with laughter is that your first response wasn't "WHAT???!" It was resigned sympathy. For a moment there you thought it was just one dam' thing after another, didn't you!
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Yeah Margaret, funny!!! That's next. First Corona virus.....then killer tomatoes!
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That was so very funny, Margaret!
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This isn’t really funny, but it’s an indication of how shell shocked we are. I woke in the night following a solid dose of drugs for back pain, and as I walked to the toilet the screen on the computer came on with a headline that I read (groggily) as ‘US hit by giant tomatoes’. My first thought was ‘Oh the poor buggers’, before I looked again and registered ‘giant tornadoes’.
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Glad you liked it, bookie. Here’s one that was the end of the list and I didn’t see:

*Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

PS I loved your one about the surprise dinners! I've just cleaned out most of my kitchen cupboards, and yes, I had too many cans of beans!
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