I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
I call my dad everyday and this morning I asked him how he was handling the stay at home order issued by his state.
He replies, "Just what does stay at home mean?" I promptly said, "Stay at home! It is not a secret code!"
Are people really not understanding what that means?
Is it secret code to rush out to every grocery store and buy toilet paper? Hmmm?
Our news had a story yesterday about the police arresting both customer and ‘personal service provider’ in a brothel interstate, for failing to keep the new 2 meter personal distancing regulation. Brothels have to close! And so ...bonanza for Peep-a-View!
Thank heavens laughing is still legal. At least it was yesterday, it seems to change every day.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
... my prayer for 2020 is for a big FAT bank account and a THIN body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees....
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees....
… a HAM BUSH!"
The instructions said:
"Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
;-)))))
Please don't post your world worries here, there are other great AgingCare pages to post those on and to get great support/feedback.
Take care, stay calm, be kind, and stay home if you can.
Currently, I'm enjoying a book on anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
Sorry, I know this is a joke thread. No more non-joke from me here.
But even so - it just seems to be so symbolic of this devastating place in history.
For years, Ive patroned a number of small businesses who don’t take credit cards. The 2-4% charge that the credit card vendors charge the small business owners has a real impact on their bottom line.
But of course, in this time of needing to stay as low risk as possible when it comes to germs and illness - safety by far overrides the almighty dollar.
While it is completely logical - I find it a significant market in our rapidly changing world.
The first - not really a joke, but funny in an “OMG! Are you kidding” kinda way...
I went to pay for a take-out order at a local restaurant. They are no longer accepting CASH. Credit cards only. How upside down is that? Cash is no longer good in our new Corona world?
The second is a meme I saw on FB that isn’t nearly as funny in describing as it is seeing - but still...
Its a picture of a man sitting on a couch with a large dog sitting on each side of him. The man is wearing a large Cone of Shame. The speaking bubble above one of the dogs heads says: “We told you not to touch your face. This is for your own good”. Funny. Especially to dog lovers, I expect.
The first cop on the scene got out of his car with a breathe analyzer in hand. By the time he got back to the dispatcher, he was laughing hysterically over the radio telling people that it wasn't a DUI call. My dad actually did hit a 6 foot tall chicken.
That's the night my dad and all the local cops learned about the emu farm."
We have a family of four and cut down our shopping from every three to four days to every two weeks. The only problem is we went shopping a few days ago and the shelves were practically empty.
Daughter: (in her sing song voice) "Corona"
”There’s a pig in the road. A big one.”
”Sir, where are you?”
”At the stoplight. It’s the biggest dang pig I have ever seen. Get someone here now!” (One stoplight town, the bar is near the intersection.)
”How big is the pig?”
”About the size of a volkswagen?”
”How much have you had to drink?”
”I’m not fricking drunk! It’s a giant pig, the size of a small car! What is wrong with you people?”
officers show up to find a full grown hippo that had escaped from the local wild animal park.
The person on the other end just started screaming, "BEEEEEEEEEES!! BEEEEEEEES!!"
I assumed that the bees were neither mugging him nor on fire. So I put it through to ambulance because what the fr*ck even.
"so how did the earthlings die?"
"They used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out".
"You're such a great guy."
"You'd make a good dad."
"I wish I could find someone like you."
"Not *you*, but, you know, someone just like you."
Commenter: I'll translate for you. You're b*tt ugly.
Toilet Papers First Date
Toilet Paper Singer
Toilet Paper Run
Toilet Paper Damage
What can I say? I amuse easily. Good thing too - my state of Oregon just went mandatory “stay at home”... it’s gonna be a looong two weeks but well worth it if it helps kick this crappy situation to the curb!!!
#flatenthecurve. Oops- wrong site but right message.
The Walking Toilet Paper
50 first Toilet Paper
Wedding Toilet Paper
Cannon ball Toilet Paper
Smokey end the Toilet Paper
John Toilet Paper
In Her Toilet Paper
Crazy Rich Toilet Paper
Collateral Toilet Paper
Storm of the Toilet Paper
Polar Toilet Paper
Deepwater Toilet Paper
Best Man's Toilet Paper