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This may not be the place, but here it goes.

I call my dad everyday and this morning I asked him how he was handling the stay at home order issued by his state.

He replies, "Just what does stay at home mean?" I promptly said, "Stay at home! It is not a secret code!"

Are people really not understanding what that means?

Is it secret code to rush out to every grocery store and buy toilet paper? Hmmm?
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Something that might give someone else a chuckle too. Our state city has a ‘Peep-a-View’ that is a local joke for frustration. The customer pays to watch a girl stripper behind a window, and every time she gets to something interesting, a blind comes down slap. The customer has to pay again (and again and again) to get the blind up and keep it going. It’s upstairs immediately opposite the Law Courts, with an ad for it on the street. As you can imagine, this is the source of a few more local jokes about professions.

Our news had a story yesterday about the police arresting both customer and ‘personal service provider’ in a brothel interstate, for failing to keep the new 2 meter personal distancing regulation. Brothels have to close! And so ...bonanza for Peep-a-View!

Thank heavens laughing is still legal. At least it was yesterday, it seems to change every day.
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30 days has September,April,June and November. All the rest have 31 except for March which has 8,000.
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There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Dear God...

... my prayer for 2020 is for a big FAT bank account and a THIN body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.
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If you see me talking to myself this week, mind your own business. I'm having a parent-teacher conference.
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I've been keeping company with a spider. It has an Interesting web design.
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This one's about a Bacon Tree (use your best Mexican accent, guidance given below):

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "



"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees....

Ees...


Ees...
Ees...


Ees...


Ees....
 
… a HAM BUSH!"
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Also, I got a new deodorant today...
The instructions said:
"Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

;-)))))
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Hey there people! Let's keep this page for the funnies, PLEASE. I come to get some relief from the big stresses in my life, to escape for a minute or two...

Please don't post your world worries here, there are other great AgingCare pages to post those on and to get great support/feedback.

Take care, stay calm, be kind, and stay home if you can.
Currently, I'm enjoying a book on anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
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bookluvr - your comment about Chinese people having cellphone as a necessity is correct. News reported that in China 21 MILLION cellphone lines disappeared in the last 3 months while at the same time last year there was an increase in users. What happened to those 21 million people? The Chinese government only reported 3277 deaths due to coronavirus. Anyone believes them?

Sorry, I know this is a joke thread. No more non-joke from me here.
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I was watching several YouTubes from China. It seems everyone have cellphones and internet access - from teenagers to the elderly. They book/pay for their transportation, rent, grocery shopping, etc.. via their cellphone. When they purchase something, they put their cellphone back-to-back to the seller's cellphone... The commenter said that they don't carry cash. Everything is done through their cellphone.... And if you anger the gov't, they can threaten you with denied access to the internet. No internet, no access to your online funds.
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No, I get it, cwillie. I’ve always heard that money is one of the most germ covered items on the planet.

But even so - it just seems to be so symbolic of this devastating place in history.

For years, Ive patroned a number of small businesses who don’t take credit cards. The 2-4% charge that the credit card vendors charge the small business owners has a real impact on their bottom line.

But of course, in this time of needing to stay as low risk as possible when it comes to germs and illness - safety by far overrides the almighty dollar.

While it is completely logical - I find it a significant market in our rapidly changing world.
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Rainmom - customers can swipe or tap their own plastic (credit/debit), cash needs to be handled by staff and will be passed along to other customers.
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Two items from the Funny/Not funny Corona Vault:

The first - not really a joke, but funny in an “OMG! Are you kidding” kinda way...
I went to pay for a take-out order at a local restaurant. They are no longer accepting CASH. Credit cards only. How upside down is that? Cash is no longer good in our new Corona world?

The second is a meme I saw on FB that isn’t nearly as funny in describing as it is seeing - but still...
Its a picture of a man sitting on a couch with a large dog sitting on each side of him. The man is wearing a large Cone of Shame. The speaking bubble above one of the dogs heads says: “We told you not to touch your face. This is for your own good”. Funny. Especially to dog lovers, I expect.
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Bookluvr, belly laugh. Thank you!
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My house got TP'd last night. It's now worth half a million more.
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"My dad called 9-1-1 late one night to report hitting a 6 foot tall chicken while driving & running off into the ditch. He had just crashed his car & his voice was a bit shaky on the phone. The operator asked him to repeat himself a couple of times and then promised to send someone to help.

The first cop on the scene got out of his car with a breathe analyzer in hand. By the time he got back to the dispatcher, he was laughing hysterically over the radio telling people that it wasn't a DUI call. My dad actually did hit a 6 foot tall chicken.

That's the night my dad and all the local cops learned about the emu farm."
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My SIL told me that she had spent two days in her bathrobe which is actually a long nightshirt. There was a worker who came by each of those days. To be her humorous self, she said, well you have seen me rather risque these days. The worker said back, don't worry, I want tell my wife. :) Debra has quite a sense of humor!
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My daytime pajamas are getting mixed up with my nighttime ones so now I have to start all over.
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Not really a joke, but a lesson for people. Read this online. A woman was shopping for her essentials and saw a man with a full cart of toilet paper, lots of sanitizer, paper goods, gloves. The woman glared at him and finally said to him "what a nerve you have, many people needs these items, how selfish you are." The man replied are you finished? I have to get back to work and restock the shelves.

We have a family of four and cut down our shopping from every three to four days to every two weeks. The only problem is we went shopping a few days ago and the shelves were practically empty.
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Me: "Ah Choo!"
Daughter: (in her sing song voice) "Corona"
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”9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”
”There’s a pig in the road. A big one.”
”Sir, where are you?”
”At the stoplight. It’s the biggest dang pig I have ever seen. Get someone here now!” (One stoplight town, the bar is near the intersection.)
”How big is the pig?”
”About the size of a volkswagen?”
”How much have you had to drink?”
”I’m not fricking drunk! It’s a giant pig, the size of a small car! What is wrong with you people?”

officers show up to find a full grown hippo that had escaped from the local wild animal park.
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I answered the phone & gave my usual, "911, do you need Police, Fire, or Ambulance?".
The person on the other end just started screaming, "BEEEEEEEEEES!! BEEEEEEEES!!"
I assumed that the bees were neither mugging him nor on fire. So I put it through to ambulance because what the fr*ck even.
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Aliens talking:
"so how did the earthlings die?"

"They used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out".
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I heard a funny comment last night. "I am now becoming one of those people that says get off my lawn,only I don't have a lawn".
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Fareth:
"You're such a great guy."
"You'd make a good dad."
"I wish I could find someone like you."
"Not *you*, but, you know, someone just like you."

Commenter: I'll translate for you. You're b*tt ugly.
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Shell - I’d like to flip some of yours...

Toilet Papers First Date

Toilet Paper Singer

Toilet Paper Run

Toilet Paper Damage

What can I say? I amuse easily. Good thing too - my state of Oregon just went mandatory “stay at home”... it’s gonna be a looong two weeks but well worth it if it helps kick this crappy situation to the curb!!!

#flatenthecurve. Oops- wrong site but right message.
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Fear of the Toilet Paper

The Walking Toilet Paper

50 first Toilet Paper

Wedding Toilet Paper

Cannon ball Toilet Paper

Smokey end the Toilet Paper

John Toilet Paper

In Her Toilet Paper

Crazy Rich Toilet Paper

Collateral Toilet Paper

Storm of the Toilet Paper

Polar Toilet Paper

Deepwater Toilet Paper

Best Man's Toilet Paper
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This one has stayed with me a long time. When my fellow law students were close to qualification, we were allowed to take small cases. One smart guy asked his witness “Which car reached the point of impact first?”. Just think about it!
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