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The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
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If your family forces you to have a big wedding, what fruit must you have at the reception? Cantaloupe
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cwille,

😂 hahaha
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A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, my g*d ! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
Oh no, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!
But I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again 😱
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I love it! Reminds me of a delayed flight & a Scotsman once...😉
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A cheerful comment from Mamie Van Doren, a bombshell blonde of the Marilyn Monroe era: “I’ve married a few people I shouldn’t have. But haven’t we all?”.
Other times, other ways!
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Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
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Hubs and I are on the perfect staycation,
thanks to the coronavirus.

As we contemplate our bellybuttons,
the toilet paper companies contemplate
a rise in their stocks.
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cwille,

So cute! Hahaha
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Heard this today:

Home-schooling Day 1:
2 students expelled for bad behaviour and Teacher suspended for being intoxicated.
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BECOMING A SENIOR
Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"
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What do you call fake noodles?


















Impasta!😁
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Not necessarily a joke but I told my dad that in light of the toilet paper shortage I was telling my family that there was a two square limit per bathroom trip (not that anyone was listening) He said “if they won’t do that tell them to turn it over and use the other side!” Ugh!!! 🤣
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A sweet innocent joke, about a little girl visitor sharing a bath with her little boy cousin. Later she says to mother “it’s good that that thing is not on his face”.
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Despite the high cost of living.... it remains popular.
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Everything I can't find is in a totally secure place.
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If you think pushing 60 is hard, wait till you start dragging it.
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Maturing like a fine wine, but finding it more difficult to get the cork in.
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I intend to live forever.

So far, so good.
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A husband rearranged the jars in his wife's spice rack. He's not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin...
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Copied from a friend's FB post:

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot get the Coronavirus. Any dogs that had been held in quarantine have been released. (Wait for it....)

That's right, WHO let the dogs out.
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There was a joke, and I had to private message a friend it was so bad.
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Two men enter a bank, wearing masks.
Everyone gasps and raises their hands.
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Two bats are hanging upside on their tree.

One asks the other, "what do you fear most about old age?"

The other one says, "INCONTINENCE!"
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?
(scroll down....)





DUNG!!!
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My husband took the car in for it's Warrant of Fitness.

The mechanic said, "You've got a bald patch, your spare is oversized, and you're unbalanced."

And hubby said, "and what about the car?"

Hahahahahaa! Oh dear... ;-)
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You've probably heard of
Pinot Grigio
Pinot Noir
Pinot Blanc
But now there's a new wine that's been developed especially for older people who have a problem with making too many trips to the bathroom over night...
It's called Pinot More
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I was waiting in line at the convenience store this morning when two men came in wearing masks.
There was TOTAL PANIC!
Then they said "This is a robbery"
... and everyone calmed down.
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Seen on the front of a birthday card:
"Words cannot describe how wonderful you are!"

Inside:
"But numbers can. 3/10."
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