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I think this part of another post by DareDiffer is worth the Jokes site:-
‘Can remember my gran wanting her husband to come in from the garden. On being reminded he was dead she snapped back - “well I know that - he died on 4 January 1965 - but tell him to come in for his tea before it gets cold!”.’
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My hubs got a call to confirm or cancel his routine physical this month. Press 1 to 'confirm', or 3 to 'cancel'.

Not going anywhere near a medical facility, he pressed 3 to cancel.

I don't know if it is possible for a recorded voice to sound that happy and excited!
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I don't have to use my old tablet anymore so I'm back, just don't have any jokes for ya tonight. Hugs to all
lovcuz
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The only thing flat-earthers fear…
Is sphere itself.
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I'm giving up drinking for a month.
Oops sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.
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Warning for this week - starts with changing the clocks, moves to a full moon and ends with a Friday the 13th..... Good luck folks!
P.S. Don‘t forget to wash your hands!
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Two blondes walk into a bar. The bartender goes "Are you two sisters?"
One blonde replies: "No, we're not even Catholic."
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If you have Lyme Disease and get coronavirus, does that make it a Corona with Lyme?
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A guy is driving past a memory care facility when he suddenly gets a flat tire. He gets out his jack and unscrews the lug nuts but then accidentally kicks them down a rain gutter. "I lost all the nuts! Now what am I going to do?" he yells.
An old man sitting on the porch of the memory care facility says, "Why don't you take one lug nut from the other 3 wheels and use them?"
The driver does so and replaces the flat with his spare. "That was a good idea, mister," the driver says to the old man. "You're a pretty sharp guy. What are you doing in a place like this?"
The old man grimaces and says, "I'm demented, not stupid!"
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Did you know that Davey Crocket had three ears?

My DH is 4 years younger than me. I knew the answer, he didn’t, and we worked out that the whole Davey Crocket thing must have happened when he was just too young to get jokes.

The answer is….. the left ear, the right ear, and the wild front-ier.

DH laughed, so even kid’s jokes can stay funny for decades!
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I hate daylight savings time.
Spring forward, fall backwards.
What does that mean, anyway?

A lot of us are doing that anyway.
Falling, I mean.

Just this morning, I tripped going out to the car to find the correct time on my car clock. Thank goodness it is once again the correct time!
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People can use a corn cob, right?
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Here’s a cheerful aspect of corona virus. For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to have decided that they need to stock up on toilet paper in case they are stuck at home. There has now been a run of toilet paper, with supermarkets with empty shelves, people taking trolleys full to the carpark, even a couple of women having a fist fight in a shop in Sydney, with the police called and both of them charged with assault.

Taking advantage of this, our local radio station has set up a treasure hunt for the gold (wrapped) toilet roll, hidden somewhere in the small town location. The prize is a carton of ...toilet paper, so the winner can throw a party for all their friends and neighbours who are in need of relief!! Yeah for local initiative!!

(If anyone wants the secret to the toilet paper wars, it’s a high bulk low value item where the stores work on jis (just in time) frequent orders. If several people ‘stock up’, the shelves quickly empty – until the next morning. Re-timing the entire delivery system in just a few days is almost impossible. I remember this in the 1970s oil shortage in London, where I did actually have to cut a paper towel roll in half when we ran out! Best of luck to all of you, and let’s hope that relief is in sight.)
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People are bumping elbows to greet each other at some churches.

Stay away from me, please.

And, don't give out any more free donuts. (After you have handled them.) (Coughed on them). (Sneezed on them).

Ok, maybe just one donut, wrapped in a baggie. Is that a fly in there from the donut store? Lol.
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I hate nesting dolls. They are full of themselves.
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cwille,

Love the funeral joke! Funny!!!
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cwillie: That reminds me of my church (I haven't been in a while) because the pastor asks that we shake each other hands? HELLO? How wrong is that?! Many of the parishioners are in the elder population, too!
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Neil Diamond: Hands......
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds
Neil Diamond: Touching hands.....
CDC: No, please don’t touch hands!
Neil Diamond: Reaching out.....
CDC: Avoid that too
Neil Diamond: Touching me....
CDC: No! none of that!
Neil Diamond: TOUCHING YOU
CDC: We’re doomed

Neil Diamond: Sweet Caroline!
CDC: Oh hell
CDC: Ba Da Ba Ba!
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Talking with hubs this morning. I was amazed at his recall naming a place in Africa. So I set out to discover how he learns and remembers. He heard it. He also connected the name to a place he remembered, that was similar, heard in Lawrence of Arabia or Alladin, called "aquaba".

I expressed how glad I was that he was getting smarter, and sad that I was getting dumber.

He said, in a very rare moment of being funny:
"You are not getting dumber, just blonder".
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I heard this from a women who is a caregiver to a very difficult husband.


What do you do if your husband is staggering around the front yard babbling incoherently ?

Shoot him again.....
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At the funeral of an elderly Italian-American man, somber visitors passed by his coffin to pay their last respects. One woman, a weeping relative, said to the dead man as she passed, "Mario...when you get to heaven and you see my Luigi...tell him that I knew about his affair!". As another weeping female relative passed the coffin, she said to the dead man, "Mario...when you get to heaven and see my Tony...tell him that I found out about his gambling debts!" Yet another weeping female relative passed by and said, "Mario, when you get to heaven and see my Gaetano...tell him I knew about his drinking!". Finally, the dead man's Italian-American widow approached the coffin. She leaned over and looked at him and said, "Mario...when you get to heaven and you see Luigi, Tony and Gaetano...minda you own business-a!!!"
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Unusual funeral procession:

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
''What happened to him?"
"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman replied, "Get in line."
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A son and daughter bring their wheelchair bound father in to check out a new nursing home. While on the tour the father begins to lean severely to the left. Everyone rushes over to right him. Further along on the tour he leans severely to the right. Again, they rush over the right him. After the tour they go out to lunch and his children ask how he liked the nursing home. He replied, "It's ok, but they don't let you fart."
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There is a highly dangerous virus going around called Weekly Overload Recreation Killer (WORK)
If you come in contact with this WORK virus you should immediately got to the nearest Biological Anxiety Relief facility (BAR) where you will be supplied with one of the antidotes:
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
Radioactive Unwork Medicine (RUM)
Bothersome Employer Eliminator Reboot (BEER)
or Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
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Try this site. They are pictures, so I can't post them. Even my husband laughed out loud!
https://quotesnhumor.com/22-hilarious-jokes-collection/
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Dear Goodbird, your post makes me feel ashamed of myself. Many of us got fed up with this thread a few months ago when it was dominated by a genuine carer who unfortunately was also an unpleasant troll. Perhaps we all need to get a library joke book and start posting again. I even found a treasure trove of ‘lightbulb’ jokes on the net, without having to go to the library. Just looking for jokes has to be good for the soul if you are feeling down.
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Hello,
I just want to say that humor and laughter make a world of difference for me going along this caregiving journey. Without it, the situation would feel absolutely hopeless and miserable all the time. Of course there are bad days that are not easy, but having a good laugh gets me through and makes me feel better. Find something funny to watch to put you in a better mood! The power of humor and laughter is amazing!
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Love it Margaret!
We have a Chihuahua + Dachshund which = a Chiweenie~
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For designer dog lovers:

Labrador + Poodle = Labradoodle
Yorkshire Terrier + Poodle = Yorkie Poo
Dachshund + Yorkshire Terrier = Dorkie

Labradoodle + Yorkie Poo = Mongrel
Yorkie Poo + Dorkie = Mongrel
Dorkie + Labradoodle = Mongrel

Dachshund + Great Dane = Extremely Difficult
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NHWM: That's exactly why I don't think on those cockroaches!
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