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Sign at a downtown record store: "Big going out of business blowout! All sales vinyl!"
(8)
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Another innocent comment really did happen to me, when DH1 and I lived in a flat in our 20s, with cheap poster decorations. One was of a nude reaching for the sky, with a gauzy wrap around her hips. A visiting child was only too interested, while DH1 and I thought Whoops and apologised to the parents. Then the little girl said ‘If that lady turned around and dropped the towel (giggle whisper) you could see her bottom’! So we all giggled along with her!
(5)
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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
(15)
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Two guys meet at a depression group therapy meeting. One says to the other, "What is making you depressed?"
He says, "My mother died last week. What is making you depressed?'
"Mine didn't."
(10)
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Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
(9)
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A seminary professor was giving his lecture when one of his students fell asleep. The professor noticed this just after he had posed the question, "How can we explain the Trinity?" The professor said, "Mr. Smith, will you answer my last question?" Smith was startled awake at the sound of his name and tried to cover for the fact that he had dozed off and had no idea what the question was. He said, "Professor, I knew the answer to that question, but I forgot." The professor sighed, looked toward the ceiling and said, "Heaven help us. In two thousand years, one person has understood the Trinity, and he forgot."
(9)
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About a year ago there was a news story of a man in Jerusalem turning 113! he was asked what he felt was the best part of turning 113.

he answered. “No peer pressure”
(19)
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My family played a game of Monopoly this week. My 17 year old son is competitive and plays intensely. He is the first to get a monopoly, add houses and even hotels.

Well, his aggression payed off when my 14 year old son couldn't pay the rent on a property with three houses. He had to give his older brother what money he had and return his properties to the bank.

The 17 year quipped, "I guess that's death by "home-icide."
(10)
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A preacher arrives at church one day to find a dead donkey behind the church.

Unsure what to do, he calls the sheriff. Unfortunately, the sheriff tells the preacher that dead animals are not his jurisdiction and recommends calling the mayor.

Now, the mayor is not the most popular man in town but the preacher is desperate so he makes the call.

After being told of the situation with the dead donkey, the mayor impatiently replies, "Well, isn't it your job to deal with dead beings? Why are you bothering me with this?"

The preacher replies, "You're right. It is my job to deal with dead beings. It's also my job to notify the next of kin."
(13)
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Or suffering from side effects....................:)
(2)
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to the person who stole my anti depressant medication ;
i hope youre HAPPY now .
(16)
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There was a cartoon.
Picture Santa Claus kneeling, hands folded in prayer.
Kneeling at the manger, praying to the Baby Jesus.
(2)
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Grandma
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
She'd been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow
When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof-prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now we're all so proud of grandpa
He's been taking this so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts
Or send them back (send them back)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair on grandma's wig
I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh
And plays with elves
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Singin' grandpa
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Merry Christmas
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Randy Brooks
(5)
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A DEA officer comes up to a farmer & declares he is going to search the farm for illegal marijuana crops. Farmer says' "Yup, fine, just stay out of the field over there". The DEA officer retorts "This is a drug investigation" and shows his badge. "You better respect this badge" and decides to start with the suspicious area.

A few minutes later he is running across the field screaming with an angry bull in pursuit. The farmer runs to the fence and yells "Show him your BADGE!"
(20)
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I like my candy canes in mint condition!
(10)
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"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."---Bart Simpson
(9)
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Dog at Christmas says:
First you tell me no sticks or bones in the house.
Then you drag a whole tree in here.
And what is that? An entire skeleton of a bird?

I call a foul!
(7)
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Christmas Hint

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree

Everytime your child acts up throw one of them in the fireplace
(14)
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I own a chewed pencil that Shakespeare once used to write his famous works.
He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
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I Just called the tinnitus hotline.
It didn’t stop ringing.
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In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $6.35.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings”, so I got her nothing.
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My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it’s over.
So I packed her things and left.
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My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she hit with was on his phone and drinking a beer.
The police said the man can do whatever he wants in his own living room.
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Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because he finds them on the web.
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.
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Today I got gas for only $1.29.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
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Don’t judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
(20)
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Just a couple of funnies:

I fold sheets exactly how I would fight off a boa constrictor

If we all switched to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.....

I picked up a hitchhiker last night...he seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"  I told him the odds of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical...
(17)
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Reader beware:

There was a woman who had been really sick and was actually seeing "the light" and God said to her ...no, go back, it is not your time.  You are going to live a nice long life well into your late years.  The woman's health improved and she decided if she was going to live a long life, she was going to get plastic surgery to look great throughout those years.  She got a face lift, boob job, liposuction,  etc.  Dressed in her finest garb, she proceeded to cross the street and was hit and killed by a mac truck.  When she entered the pearly gates she said, "God I thought you said I was going to live a long life?"  He said, Hell I didn't even recognize ya!
(12)
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5 year old upon seeing bag of spinach & kale mix...

"Did you buy a bag of leaves?"
(11)
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Here is a Christmas tree.
My dH says it is leaning to the left.
I say it is one half of a tree, only the right side.
(8)
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My joke for tonight.
(1)
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That's a good attitude to take about it, Captain.

I do get what you're saying about participation trophies, and we may have gone too far in that direction. On the other hand, the winning is everything view can definitely be overdone also.
(3)
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im always giving my immediate supervisors good input . if they use it to cop themselves a few points i dont mind that at all . they arent likely to toss the golden goose of helpful ideas to the wolves when things get grim .
(4)
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dogperson,
does everyone get a participation trophy ?

just kiddin ya . ive never liked how cutthroat competition is encouraged in our schools either . in the workplace ive always found that everybody comes out ahead when they work together .
(5)
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Actually, cwillie, this game was an alternative sort of concept in which players cooperate instead of competing. It's called Race to the Treasure and is put out by a company called Peaceable Kingdom. (I promise I'm not advertising and don't get any kickbacks.) My son got it for my granddaughter after Candyland began to get too cutthroat competitive.
(5)
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they might have been cheating , cwillie .
(1)
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Hahaha, board games usually involved tears and tantrums at my house, usually mine because I was the youngest and was taunted for being stupid and a sore loser.
(1)
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