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my younger son had a library of ' legal ' expletives he was permitted to use at will .

sometimes he'd try a bite of something not to his liking and expressing all the indignation he could muster , he would inform us that " this crap's SKUS - TED . ( disgusting ) .
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quite accurate imo .
board games often devolve into bored games .

i thought myself a loser for decades because i sucked so bad at monopoly . now i realize my sister was robbing the bank every time i looked away . btch scarred me for life .
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Children are definitely smarter than adults. I have never yet met a child who would show pictures of his grandparents to total strangers on a plane, much less repeat the clever things they say.

Ok, now I'm going to be one of THOSE grandparents. Please indulge me, and I promise to do the same for you. I spent Thanksgiving with my son and his family. My daughter-in-law suggested we play a new game my 6-year-old granddaughter had. My granddaughter got the game and began reading aloud from the front of the box. She was confused when she got to the term "board game" and said, "It's not a board game." My daughter-in-law said, "Yes it is. The fold-out cardboard you play on is called a board, and games that use those are called board games." My granddaughter said, "But I thought board was when you did this." She then put her chin in her hand, sighed, and stared blankly ahead in a perfect pantomime of boredom.
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i have irish alzheimers -- ive forgotten everything but my enemies .
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used to be a cat out at the farm where i worked . me and old " fred " liked each other pretty well .
i used to park him on my left arm and slowly and deliberately pet him the wrong way . he thought he must be pretty special cause none of the other cats got petted backwards .

one day he tried to hop from a rolling desk chair onto the computer desk where he couldnt possibly be ignored . with his front feet on the desk the chair started rolling backwards . the look on his face was hilarious . half embarrassment , the other half ; " i really dont know how to make this end in a dignified way " .

i ' saved ' him with a big hand under his belly and its been our secret until today .
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If the earth was flat cats would push everything off of it
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A grandpa and his grandson were on vacation, and when entering their cabin, always made sure to keep the porch light off to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies managed to come in. Noticing them before his grandpa did, the boy said, "It's no use, grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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Black Friday Special!!!

Stay at home and save 100%
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a 75 yr old man is confessing to a priest one day . he says he broke his wedding vows and had sex with an 18 yr old woman .
" oh my " said the priest . how long has it been since youve been to confession ?

ive actually never been and im not really of the catholic belief , said the old guy .

the priest asked " why then are you in here telling me this now ?

im just telling EVERYBODY said the old man .
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Yes Llama, doctors........I shake my head.🤨
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Gershun: Since I have an expensive mouth (a lot of dental work), in no way do I EVER intend to take Fosamax! I almost LOL'D at that nurse who didn't know that! I wanted to say "That's rich! How do I, the patient, know this AND YOU DON'T?" So I go the radiologist's office today where I was supposed to get the DEXA scan and the radiologist told me this - "Oh, that is correct about Fosamax. One time I heard of this lady who was at the dentist office ready to get dental surgery. The lady said she was on Fosamax. The dentist said 'I am not going to touch you - please leave.' "
So sorry about your mother. My mother took it, too, and had at least 6 to 8 teeth extracted. My mom took the medicine because the doctor was gave her the rx socialized with her! As long as the person socialized with her, she may have taken ANYTHING!😐
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Llama, my mom went through the whole Fozomax experience for real. Had all her teeth pulled on one side before anyone diagnosed her properly. Real joke alright that docs can be so daft.🙄
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Me to nurse at PC doc's office: I don't plan to take Fosamax EVER as it's bad for the teeth and jaw.
The nurse: Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Me: (under my breath) perhaps you should seek employment in another field of work.
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Wife: I'm going to have some vegetable rolls for my dinner.
Husband: Hmm... Don't you already have enough rolls (on you)?

Wife: ( to husband after making a good meal for him): You are well taken care of.
Husband: Well.. I'm not sure about that.. (sad tone), but I know I'm taken.
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at least the virtue of " patience " is inadvertently learned .
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it is hoped / intended where i work that we ( DOC trained ) employees provide a positive example for our freedom challenged workers .

the ones ive had frequent contact with will probably ( avidly ) aspire to the hobby of home beer brewing .

still probably better than a smash and grab at the corner beer store .
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i was kidding with one of the freedom challenged at work yesterday about the ( not always good ) effect that the prospect of ' procreation ' has on men . i told him that thats something there that a fellow had better read the fine print on .
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I remember this one from my own primary school days:
‘In days of old when knights were bold and ladies weren’t invented,
Men used holes in telegraph poles and went away contented’.
I was very young at the time, and didn’t understand it at all (true). Now I know more history, I wonder about how ladies were invented after the telegraph system. Still, most of my primary school mates didn’t have a clue either!
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once a girl commenter complained that most men would indiscriminately " do " a hole in a fence , given the chance .

the next commenter asked " so , exactly where is this fence ? " .
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the brit sense of ' humour ' tears me up -- love it .

i was reading a clickbait story on the ' daily fail ' a while back about a gal who had a written list of do's and dont's for her fiance .

one commenter wryly stated that " she'd better be dirtier than a coal shovel " to get by with that ..
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Margaret: LOL - a bird or gal. Now you've got be thinking of The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" album.
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This is one for those of us who speak British.
Two yobs are walking across Trafalgar Square, amid whirling pigeons (as in Mary Poppins ‘feed the birds’). One says ‘What would you do if a bird shat on your head?’. The other thinks for a moment and then replies ‘I don’t think I’d want to see her again’.
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Isthisrealyreal

LOL
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A funny I saw on FB this morning:

"When I told my parents that my husband has the flu, my dad said, 'Have you tried euthanasia?' and in the background my mom yelled, 'For the last time, it's echinachea!'"
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A blonde woman boards an airplane and sits right down in 1st class. The flight attendant asks to see her ticket and informs her that she is in the wrong seat and she needs to go to the back of the plane.

The blonde flips her hair and says, "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago!"

The flight attendant says, "That's fine, however, you are in the wrong seat, you don't have a 1st class ticket. You must move to the back of the plane. "

Again the blonde flips her hair and says "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago."

This happens 3 more times, at which point the flight attendant doesn't have time to deal with this. She goes up and informs the captain of the situation and asks if he will please intervene.

So the captain goes out and tells the blonde that she needs to move to the back of the plane as her ticket is not for 1st class. The blonde flips her hair and repeats, "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago. "

The captain bends over and whispers in her ear, at which point the blonde screeches, jumps up and runs to the back of the plane.

The flight attendant is amazed that he was able to get her to move so quickly and asks, "How did you do that so easily, what did you whisper to her?"

He responds, "It was simple, I told her that 1st class wasn't going to Chicago. "
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Don't run with bagpipes
You might get kilt
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Margaret: Thanks. I just now saw your response way down this list.
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an older guy and his wife are sitting around after dinner one evening . she's washing a couple of dishes and hes absorbing about his third beer .
from nowhere the guy exclaims " i really love you " .
is that the beer talking ? his wife asked . im TALKING to the beer , said the husband .
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An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.
The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
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Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
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