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" every - body SINNNNG mmm mmm mm, my ding a ling a ling .
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its too early in the morning for , say , goth metal .
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just great . now ive got that obnoxious song in my head . im trying to replace it with " my ding a ling " or basically anything .
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"Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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see, ive been ahead of my time in my thinking .
these clowns have evidently adopted an app that capitalizes sentences for those of us who cant be arsed to do so .
that or one of the moderators has chosen to pick up after me . if thats the case im in need of a live in bottle washer too . :)>
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Captain,

🤣 Love it!
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An old brit gal's husband passed away rather unexpectedly. The local newspaper explained to her that obits weren't free. The ' headline ' of 6 or less words was free but a charge of . 50 per word applied thereafter .
Fine , the lady replied . Just publish " Fred is dead , rangerover for sale " .
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InMyShoes,

Okay, guess I have a quirky sense of humor. Your joke just cracked me up!

Some may be offended but I find it hilarious 😂.
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
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Cute, techie!
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Copied from Facebook:

So I was at Walmart earlier...

A lady was looking at frozen turkeys and couldn't find one big enough so she asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

He replied with a straight face "No madam, they're dead."
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My mom's side of the family is totally Scottish - so much so that the Scottish stereotypes really do apply. There are 4 sisters and of the 4, one has passed from Alzheimer's, one is extremely incapacitated mentally with Alz or some other dementia ( I forget exactly ) and my mom has Alzheimers. They are all VERY energetic. There is one sister who has all her marbles and show no sign of disfunction.

My cousin and I were talking about this situation, and he quipped, " We're like the Highlander series - ' There can be only one'. "

I laughed so hard. Still do...
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thanks cwillie,
mr " kind of a big deal around here " ( at the forestry ) is always asking how my day is going . im just so sincere and methodical when it comes to the task at hand that he isnt sure if im staying on or grabbing a chainsaw and cutting 60 people in half most days .
he asked me if my morning was going ok this am , in front of a few other people .
i told him that ive been feeling so much better after switching my morning coffee with OJ ---- vitamin -- C --- natural sugars --- , etc , ending up at vodka .

the guy threw back his head and roared . really broke some ice between us . in hindsight , i think he was being pretty assumptive to guess ( so quickly ) that i was kidding . they all know im a booze maker .
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Llamalover, every picture of the last supper shows all the disciples seated on the other side of a long table, with Jesus in the centre - at least every picture I have seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Thirteen along one side means that with chairs on both sides, you need a table that normally seats 26. Lateral thinking!
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captain - I must be slow or something gone wrong with my brain, but I can't wrap my head around the 26 apostles??
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send help ,
i just now caught your joke about the tomato garden and the imprisoned son .
hilarious , i'll have a blast with it for a few days . thanks

my detective LOVED it .
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cwillie,
i sent your joke to my detective . he'll love it . :P
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homer ( ' s dysfunction ) tickles me . when things have gone tts up , its of course ' everybody's fault but his ' and when the solution is as simple as " stop doing dumb sht " , he can be counted on to lament ; " yea , but whatta ya gonna do ? " .
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captain - I love the Simpsons, especially Bart and his pranks.
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Captain,

Too funny! Hahaha 🤣
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one of marge simpsons sisters thought she was pregnant once , she increased her cigarette consumption on the pretense that ' she was smoking for two now ' .

nobody gets humor as distorted as the simpsons writers imo . love em -- always have .
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cwille,

My favorite poison is gin but vodka works too!

The only time I gave up coffee was when I was pregnant. Then after she was born, I admit I caved! Completely! Drank coffee while breastfeeding.

Well, you know what they say. What we eat or drink, the baby also eats and drinks. One night I had a nightmare that my daughter was nursing and instead of her consuming milk, she was drinking cafe’ au lait. Hahaha!

I woke up kind of startled by my dream, then cracked up laughing and I did cut back on my coffee after that dream.
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he he he ( cwillie )
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I've been feeling a lot happier
since I switched from coffee in
the morning to orange juice. The doctor
explained that it's the vitamin C
and all the natural sugars, but
I think it's the vodka 😉
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Love it, captain. Why did I never think of that before? Artists' group think!
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the two apostles trying to book the venue for the last supper insisted on a table that would seat 26 .

the innkeep pointed out that they only had a party of 13 .

" look , were all gonna sit on one side -- ok ? was the terse reply .
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Very cute, cwille! Love it.
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I see that it is almost the time to change our clocks again so I thought I'd post some instructions for those who find this challenging

Smart phone - do nothing, it's magic!
Sundial - move one house to your left
Microwave, range and other kitchen appliances - you'll need a degree in electrical engineering
Car - don't bother, it'll be right again in 6 months
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You're in a room with no doors or windows. Just a mirror and a table.

How do you get out?



You look in the mirror and see what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Put the hole on the wall and climb out.
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lengthy joke , worth it , i think .

a biker is cramming down a country highway very late at night . its pretty deserted so hes speeding a little . out of nowhere a cop nails him for same . the cop says " im gonna get my lieutenant out here and tear this bike apart so you might as well tell me if theres any contraband . oh sht , the biker says .
" actually there is a gun in the front bag and the saddles are filled with drugs " .
so the cop locks him in his patrol car and gets lieutenant out there . absolutely nothing is found .
the lieutenant asked the biker " what gives man ? "
" my patrolman assured me that id find a gun and drugs on this bike " .
yea , the biker said . " i'll bet that f'er told you i was speeding too , didnt he ? ' .
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