Follow
Share
Read More
one day a guys wife asked him if he realized he was spending 40 bucks a week on beer . he said ' yea , you spend about the same amount on makeup " . she said " well the makeup makes me look pretty for you " . the guy said " yea , so does the BEER " .
(5)
Report

What concert costs $0.45?

50 Cent and Nickelback!
(7)
Report

you know what the Irish call ' drunk driving ?

driving .
(5)
Report

you know the difference between a prostitute bubble bathing and a nun praying ?

the nun has HOPE in her SOUL .
(2)
Report

Why didn't the ghost go to the Halloween party?







It didn't have no"body" to go with.
(4)
Report

you know how you spot the crackhead in a grocery store ?
he has his cart upsidedown and is working on the wheels .
(1)
Report

I just realized that someone replaced the toilet paper roll. I'm now concerned that there is someone living here that I don't know.
(17)
Report

im gonna make em hire three more moderators . makes the economy go around albeit in a very small way .

( #ors )
(4)
Report

GrannieAnnie's political joke reminded me of one I read the other day:


I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament//Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”

“You crafty old bastard,” replied the fairy.
(12)
Report

I heard that Starbucks id planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.
(15)
Report

Marcie once asked Charlie Brown if all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time..."
He said No, many of them begin, 'If I am elected, I promise...'
(11)
Report

Mikimball0664,
Captain is allowed.
You are not.
.
.
.
.

.So sorry, I am not the joke police, but could not help myself. Lol.
(6)
Report

a fellows girlfriend screams " give it to me , give it to me , im so WET , give it to me NOW . boyfriend says ; " i wasnt givin her my umbrella " .
(5)
Report

4 guys were being interviewed for a position . the interviewer asked them whats the fastest force they know of . the first guy said it must be a thought because they are almost instantanious . the second guy thought the blink of an eye was the fastest action . the third gut thought that electricity was spontanious because he used to turn on a barn light from the back porch and it was without noticable delay that the light came on . the fourth guy proclaimed that diarrea ( sp ) was the fastest cause a few nights ago he awoke with a rumble in his gut and before he could think , blink , or turn the light on , he had sh*t his pants .
(7)
Report

CWillie, I LOVE that pizza poem (and parody)!
(1)
Report

Good one Willie!
(2)
Report

GOOGLE PIZZA


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK, I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
(8)
Report

Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
(6)
Report

Do what I try to do with this aging thing I can’t stand,that I keep asking myself how the he’ll I got here,I thought this was for old folks,not me! 😂
Try to laugh at yourself with all the stupid things you do with the decline that comes with it,if u can truly look at how silly we get at some of the things that were 2nd nature to us as young adults,it really is so real it’s funny,just don’t tell anyone some of the stupid things I do,that are frustrations throughout my daily life now,that if I didn’t look at and laugh at I wouldn’t except,it’s my daily comedy show,but it’s actually made me more aware and their not as many as b4 I took this stance,but it’s mine and it’s ok! Remember the old saying life’s to short!!! Man we’re they right! Another thing I wrote off an an old folks saying,now look at me!!! 😂 relax you only live once!😮🤭🤫🤣😁
(2)
Report

I asked my granddaughter to bring me the newspaper.
She laughed and said "you're so old and out of date,
just use my cell phone".
Hm, okay then.
So I grabbed the phone, slammed it against the wall and killed the big hairy spider.
(18)
Report

The 4 yo grand-nephew comes down to my house and announces he's here to talk with Alexa. Really? He pushes the button on the Amazon Fire Stick and tells Alexa "I am here"; Alexa responses with a graphic of a couple floating balloons and says "I am happy to know you are here today!"

I called his mother to let her know she might want to reconsider using the parental controls to disable the Alexa purchasing features on her fire stick since her son is apparently learning how to work Alexa from the commercials...
(5)
Report

When we're all in the nursing home
we will be able to have fun writing graffiti in the bathrooms
that the staff can't understand...
because it's in cursive.
(17)
Report

Two blond men found 3 grenades and they decided to take them to the police station. One of them asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found 2.
(8)
Report

PharSytid, love it!   I'm going to try your approach.  Maybe a made-up language would be something I could have fun with. 

Thanks for sharing your unique solution.
(4)
Report

Hi e1-
This isn’t a joke, it actually happened and hopefully it’ll put a smile in your day...
A few years back, an annoying but dedicated representative at moms mortgage company decided to constantly call the house starting at 8:30 am until around 7:00 pm EVERY dang day and of course, mom “didn’t feel like talking” to anyone etc etc.; however, she did feel like complaining about “those a**holes” calling day and night. After about two solid weeks of phone ring ring ring followed by mom squawking for twenty minutes, I had had enough of their harassment . Unplugging the phone wasn’t an option “in case someone called” -oh, what to do? <insert Cheshire Cat smile here>. I couldn’t wait for that damn phone to ring again hehehehe...
Finally, it rang and I told mom “gimme the phone” she said “no don’t answer...” “gimme” I said and pushed the talk button, “Ying dong ya” I said, the caller said “uh, hello?” I repeated “Ying dong ya” and the caller hesitantly asks “is, is uh, Glenda there?” and I went full blown Chinese buffet background noise, “eng yi dong mui ching etc etc”- Moms jaw dropped with the best look of what the hell are you doing I grinned and kept in character until the caller hung up I proudly exclaimed “they won’t be calling anymore!” and burst into laughter. As mom picked her jaw up off the floor, I told her “hell, Spanish wouldn’t have worked cause everybody is bilingual I had to throw em a curve ball...”
It worked, not one more call came from her mortgage company again and that was seven years ago. BOOMSHAKALAKA!
Thank you David Kwan’s Chinese Buffet!
(12)
Report

My goal weight is one chin
(8)
Report

I sang the song " Bingo" to my kid and he asked if Bingo was the dog or the farmer.

I'm now questioning everything I ever knew about life.

(Compliments of Facebook)
(7)
Report

Warning: somewhat off-color. Some might find offensive.



So a singer named Mark Ronson recently announced that he is a sapiosexual, meaning he is attracted to intelligence before appearance. Someone posted on a message board: "I just came out to my family as a sapiosexual. Everyone is crying. My mother keeps asking if I've really given f#@&ing idiots a chance."
(10)
Report

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie....
(13)
Report

There is a strange voice in my head saying: Vacuum the floor, clean the house! Luckily, my mom always told me not to listen to strangers...
(10)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter