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They say you're as old as you feel...I think I must be an exhumed mummy or something.
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my spouse and I went into town and
visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a
traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on, how about giving a senior citizen
a break".

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
(15)
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Lifted from FaceBook:

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses...

People scattered… They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember things are not always the way they appear.
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Someone told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. 
Pretty obvious, can't even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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The only person that calls and checks on me every day is the guy from India wanting to discuss my car warranty.
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I had a bad puberty...It lasted 27 years.
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A telemarketer called the house. He said he wanted to talk to "whoever runs the household". So... I passed the phone to the dog.
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I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said, "Homer is bald with a beer gut and Marge has blue hair."
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Where does an electric cord shop? An outlet mall
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Another Joan Rivers funny: "I'm not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
(10)
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I saw this on FB- it is me.

Just told my kids I'm older than Google.  They think I'm kidding.

(I am also older than computers!)
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Have to heard about the new Glass Coffins? Will they be popular, not sure...it remains to be seen.
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Applied for a job and received a reply. “ Dear Sir, you attached a Jamie Oliver recipe for chilli beef instead of your CV.”
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Q: Why did Miss Tomato turn red?
A: Because she peeked over the garden fence and saw Mr. Green Pea.
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A friend told me that at her community center birthday parties for those 80 & older are referred to as funeral rehearsals.
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My age doesn't bother me...
it's the side effects
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Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.
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Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
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Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives!
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FunnyTimes are on this page.  Thanks everyone!  😄
Here are a few aging (old?) jokes   from my BIL.

60 may be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you’re on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.

When someone asks what you did over the weekend, squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
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Back after a long time. Missed you, folks.

The cop stopped a speeding car, went to the driver:
"Papers, please."
"Sorry, officer, when I stole this car I found no documents."
"You what?!"
"Sure, I opened the glove compartiment to store my pistol, and saw nothing there"
"Pistol?!"
"How do you expected me to shoot the car owner with no gun?"
"You shoot the..."
"Yes, the body is at the trunk. Just be careful not to rip the cocaine bags also there."
The cop was nervous, called for back up, including the police chief.
They arrived in a flash. The commander was quickly asking:
"So, you have no documents?"
"No, officer, they are right here."
"And the gun on the glove compartment?"
"you can open it, there's only kleenex and candy there."
"And I imagine there's no body in the trunk"
The driver opened it, the cops saw it was empty. The chief turned to him.
"I don't understand. The first officer told me you stole a car, had a gun, drugs and a body on it."
"... and I bet he told you I was also speeding."
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
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Goodness Frazzled - and there's poor little Daisy thinking "what kind of a girl do you think I am!"
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Singles ad that appeared in the Atlanta Journal:

"Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl that loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 people found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever named Daisy.
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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Be kind to everyone you meet. You never know who lost an argument to a three year old today...Applies to stubborn 84 year olds as well.
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I get the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up.


Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
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The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
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What does a cow use to count? A cowculator. (I know, this is kinda cheesy, LOL)
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Here here! Finding something that makes you smile or laugh your arse off is like a mini vacation from the day to day realities. I don’t have a joke, but my partner has Parkinson’s disease - advanced stages. When I had to buy a transport chair my warped sense of humor kicked in and I ordered 2 t-shirts
Mine: The Mover
His: The Shaker
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