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Good one Frazzled.

I used to get my newspaper stolen actually so I can relate. LOL
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"It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Navjot Singh Sidhu
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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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dads1caregiver, THANKS.  I appreciate it as a former teacher.
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Why did the fish get bad grades? Because he was below sea level.
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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and...

LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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and...

LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
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GrannieAnnie this one is for you. Claims to be actually recorded in court.

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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Oh GrannieAnnie I have a stomach ache from laughing at the last batch!
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Wrestling: a sport where people without pants fight for a belt.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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Super, you are funny.  Facebook friends add to the jokes.  We all need to laugh.  It's a crazy world.
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Oh, GrannieAnnie! Where will you PUT all the awards you've gotten???
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I’ve seen these B4, but t just cracks me up every time!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
more another time
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Ok, Tap shoes at work, I like that one!
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Are several of these jokes really that funny or am I just that needy?! Hahaha!
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A coworker said to me yesterday, "Can you be any more annoying?". So today...I wore tap shoes to work.
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From a FB meme: When marijuana is legalized all the taxes collected should go toward road repair... call it Operation Pot Holes.
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Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.
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Of course I'm an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this?
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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Maybe some people do not find your jokes funny but that does not mean you should be made fun of.
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I just sold a lawnmower on Craig's list... That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on Saturday morning!
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I don't remember where I got these.  Perhaps you've heard them b4.

Q: What does a cyclist ride in the winter?
A: An icicle.

Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible?
Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

If at first you don't succeed,
Then skydiving definitely is not for you.
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Llamalover,
Did you hear about this b4?

"Ecclesiastes 1:9 King James Version (KJV)
9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
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