Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Heard that dumbo joke b4.

BuzzyBee
May 2018
I cannot take credit for this one but I thought it was funny. :)

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,

"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Credit: Windyridge 2016

The bulls on the ranch have heard a rumor that the rancher has just bought the biggest,,baddest, meanest bull in all of Texas. The local bulls are all talking trash about how they ain't taking no crap from this new guy and he's not gonna get any of my cows, now way, no how.

A few days later a cattle truck backs up to the pasture gate. Before the Cowboys can even open the doors a huge roaring, stomping, snot slinging bull comes storming down the ramp. All the other Bulls take a step back in fear. But one small young bull runs forward, snorting and pawing the ground. His buddies yell, are you nuts? What are you doing? Well, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a Bull!

Credit: Polarbear 2018

A man walks into a pet store. He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect," says the man, "that sounds great I'll take one of those”

He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”

The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.

10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?

Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.

15 mins later the man says to the centipede “Mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”

The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient bastard!”

Two blind pilots enter a plane..

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets shorter and shorter, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

Bubba's pickup truck had crashed and caught fire. It was assumed that the body inside was Bubba's, but it was difficult to be sure because it was so badly burned. The sheriff and the medical examiner were discussing the problem at the morgue.

The medical examiner said, "Well, it could be Bubba and probably is, but I can't really say for sure because of the condition of the body. We'll need to get dental records to tell for sure." The sheriff said, "Yes but that will take time. I'd like to be able to tell his family something before that." The medical examiner said, "Bubba's friends Vern and Elmer aren't the brightest Crayolas in the box, but they probably know Bubba better than anybody else. If anyone can look at this body and say whether it's Bubba, it would be one of them." The sheriff said, "Ok, I'll go find them and ask them to come take a look."

The sheriff came back with Vern and Elmer. Vern came in to look at the body. He said,"I don't know. It's hard to tell since the body is so burned. Hey, I know. Turn him over onto his stomach." They rolled the body over, Vern looked closely and said, "That's definitely not Bubba." They turned the body back over and brought in Elmer. He said, "It's really hard to say. Turn him over on his stomach." Elmer took a close look and said, "Ok, now I'm positive that isn't Bubba."

The sheriff said, "I don't get it. You both look at this body from the front and can't tell, but you both look at it from the back and you're sure it isn't Bubba. Why is that?"

Elmer said, "Because Bubba's got two a$$holes." The sheriff and medical examiner both stared at him in amazement, and Vern said, "Yeah. That's how I knew it wasn't him."

The medical examiner said, "I've been a medical examiner for over 20 years and I've never heard of such a thing. Has either of you actually seen this condition?" Elmer said, "No, but it's true. Everybody knows it." The sheriff said, "What do you mean everybody knows it? How do you know everybody knows it?" Elmer said, "Well, every time me and Bubba and Vern go anywhere, people say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"

Hey, Send. You are on a roll!

True story here --- My mother's neighbor's driving "skills" were when she came to an intersection that said 'STOP,' Doris - the driver of the car said "I don't have to stop because that's just a suggestion." I told my late mother "Mother, you are never to ride with Doris again." My mother - "Oh, don't worry; I do not plan to."

Cop: you were going too fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know. That's how far behind I am!

Send you are so funny. Love the jokes.

Oh gosh, thank you, Sendhelp for posting such giggle-worthy jokes! I think I may have experienced something very similar to the self-waxing story. It sure wasn't funny at THAT moment but now, hilarious! The rest of your posts were all thumbs up in my book! It really is nice to see there have been no more nasty remarks, what a relief!
Everyone has a different sense of humor and if a post pleases the reader, we can simply click on the little thumb below it. Nothing more needs to be said. I am very grateful that this site exists. I may not be an active poster, but I do read what people are dealing with nearly every day. The insight I have gained has been very helpful for my own sanity. Thank you to all, this site is a good thing I would really have missed it, if I decided to leave.

Country music is excited about the new "self driving cars". Soon they can write a song about the cowboy who's "truck" left him!

A retired man in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what hair was left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal when he spotted a highway patrol trooper in his rear view mirror–blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he flew down the road at over 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

Man went into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." Man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Oh, I apologize. Of course a seeing eye dog is allowed." The man has a drink and leaves. As he's walking out the door, another man is coming in with his dog, a chihuahua. The first one says, "Hey buddy, if you want to bring your dog in, you have to say he's a seeing eye dog." The man thanks him for the tip and goes on in. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." The man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." The bartender is skeptical and says, "A seeing eye chihuahua?" The man says, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

"When I go, I want to go peacefully, like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what .' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)??

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Hahaha!

Good ones Send. I am old enough to have heardthem, but laughed anyway. Thanks

Husband seen with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She said. Hunting Flies He replied. Oh! Killing any? Yep, 3 males, 2 Females! How can you tell them apart? 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

So a DEA officer comes up to a farmer and declares he is going to search the farm for illegal marijuana crops. Farmer says "Yup, fine, just stay out of the field over there." The DEA officers retorts " This is a drug investigation" and shows his badge "You better respect this badge" and decides to start with the suspicious area. A few minutes later he is running across the field screaming, with an angry bull in pursuit. The farmer runs to the fence and yells "Show him your BADGE!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Three old ladies are playing cards. The first one complains that she can barely see the cards. The second one says she can see them, but both hands are numb and she can't pick them up. The third one complains that she cannot turn her head to hear them because her neck is so rigid. Then the first one says "But thank God we can all still drive a car!!"

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Continued: Credit Phoenix Daughter

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.

She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

Credit: Phoenix Daughter

Its long its a story and it copied from Facebook source unknown but please don't attempt anything when you read this ladies (gents it doesn't apply sorry) I was holding my sides they ached so much:

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied: "Thank you, dear!"

Fred was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Littlesister and Michae and any others thinking of leaving, I hope you decide to stay around. If good people get ran off because of the nonsense of some, they win and that is never good.

So, I am asking you all to stick around and learn to ignore the nasty, hateful comments that are now being flung randomly at all.

Evil thrives when good people do nothing.

Oldie but goodie from Joan Rivers: "You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."

I am struggling with being the sole caretaker of my parents who just want to live out their lives together in their own home. My siblings are too wrapped up in their dope to have enough time or compassion for mom and dad or even be willing to help me with the little things that take up all of my own free time.
I have a full time job from 3 am until 11 am 5 days a week and a second job that I put another 20 hours a week in. Frankly, I am exhausted but every evening I manage to make it out to see the folks and make sure they ate something, got their garbage out to the street, set dad up with his breathing treatment and help mom with whatever chore she is struggling with.
It really is disappointing to log on here for a moment before going to sleep, only to read nothing but venom and garbage being directed at other group members. Way to go guys, wht ever happened to supporting each other? Is it SO damn important for you to voice your petty gripes about what others might get a giggle out of. I might just drop this group also. I have enough sadness in my every waking moment as I am consumed with my parents impending deaths. At 85 years of age and 69 years of married bliss, I have a sickening feeling when one passes the other won't be far behind.
I really wish those of you who feel so justified with your arguments, could give it a rest and let those of us who are suffering enjoy reading a few jokes or lighthearted quips. I am sure the Internet has plenty of places to argue with others who would love to bash someone for having an opinion.
Go ahead, run me down and shower me with all of your nasty remarks, no doubt I deserve it for daring to comment on the turn this thread has taken.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
Others don't