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I recently called an old engineering buddy and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on, "Aquathermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
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The irony of life is that by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
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Why does a chicken coupe have only 2 doors ? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan !
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Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

Credit to Bookluvr 2016
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Two elderly couples just finished sharing a lovely meal together. The ladies cleared the table and headed for the kitchen, leaving the gents to their cigars and whiskey. Fred turns to Mack and says, "We found a nice new restaurant last night. Great food and the prices were very reasonable."
"Yeah?" says Mac. "What was the name of it?"
Fred thinks for a moment, then says, "What's the name of that flower you give someone you love?"
"You mean a rose?" asks Mack.
"That's the one," replies Fred. Turning toward the kitchen he yells, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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I have heard from some dwarf persons, who also take offense at the term dwarf,
all 7 of them. They prefer the term "little people".
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Good news for those of you who don't want Amazon's Alexa listening to all your conversations. Amazon is developing a male version named Alex... he won't listen to anything.
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Much better mikkimball0664😉
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Will Rogers said that horses are smarter than people.
You will never find a horse losing money bettin' on people.
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DLB my doctor told me that I was fat and I said oh yeah, well you are ugly, at least I can diet. Next time I saw her she had botox lips.😜
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My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "OK, you’re ugly, too."‴
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Okay Polarbear. I about fell out of my seat!

I might be naughty and start a small fight with my sig other when he has the hiccups.

Frazzled & dogperson that's funny!
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Frankly, I've grown weary of the raunchy, salacious humor that is so prevalent in movies, song lyrics, and on TV. I was hoping this page would be a refreshing change, especially since I come here for advice about my dear, elderly mother. Maybe coming up with a genuinely funny, clean joke is too challenging for some people.
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I was on my way to work, and this Dodge Durango was in front of me going slow. There was a sign in the back window with a number advertising it for sale. So I called it, and a man answered:

Them: "Hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm calling about the Durango for sale?"
Them:"Yes, it's still for sale."
Me: "Does it run?"
Them: "Yes, it does."
Me: "Well then, can you either step on the gas, or get the heck out of my way?"
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A bishop visited a church one Sunday only to find that church attendance was much lower that day than on most Sundays. Outraged, he asked the church pastor, "Did they know I was coming?" The pastor replied, "I didn't tell anyone, but I guess word must have gotten out somehow."
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One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”


Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccups!
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Send: Agreed!
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oooh! I just remembered the words to my favorite song:

I'm in the mood for love,
Simply because you're near me.
Funny, but...

Say, you DO have a funny butt!
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I like silly jokes, dirty jokes, potty jokes, stupid jokes, anything and everything that makes me laugh. I especially like puns, but I've been told that puns are the lowest form of humor. Maybe so, but personally I think that people who don't like puns just can't make them and are jealous of people who can.

So, did you know that there are two kinds of people in the world? Those
who think that there are two kinds of people in the world and those who
don't.

Oh, I'm sorry, you thought I was gonna make a pun, now, didn't you?
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We don't use shampoo at our house anymore. We've saved our money and now can afford real poo.
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A few more funnies:

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I said no to alcohol, but it didn't listen.

It's not good to steal. The government hates competition.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society..." - Mark Twain
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When ignoring trolls fails, publish it to shed light on the problem.
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MargaretMcKen
Sent a message 8 hours ago
Dear ‘Send help’, you may be a mate of ‘mikim’ alias ‘salutem’, or you may be a real different person who happens to like a diet of dirty jokes. Most of us are of an age where we are broad minded, know very well about all the body pieces below the belt, but don’t find it funny to have our noses rubbed in smut. Some, like me, have tried to explain, and have been told repeatedly in messages and posts on line to ‘clutch the pearls’. I’m sending you the Message I sent to him yesterday. Please don’t encourage him (that’s if you aren’t him anyway).

Reply:
I no longer own any pearls, after casting them all before swine.
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I want to apologize to everyone here - you too mikkimball0664 - for getting into a spat. I'm fully aware that what people find humorous varies and I've tried to remain quiet about the posts I don't like. One of them pushed my buttons and we got into a pushing match, ce la vie.

What I find most annoying is that the moderators never, ever jump in until things spiral out of control, and then they go nuclear and erase everything. If they were more proactive it would never have come to that.
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In the words of Rodney King "Can't we all just get along?"

All you really need to do is read over a forum, see what it trends towards and you'll see what the norm is. On this thread it's not risque humor. That doesn't mean you can't start your own dirty jokes thread.
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I want a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you like peace and quiet."
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Polarbear, I have reported the mean condescending pms that I get and nothing happens. As far as the jokes, I only read the ones I like skipping the ones I don't. Although I have reported a few.


CWilly I like your jokes. I think you are funny! But hay that's just me.😁
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Polar, shell and send: Thank you for your kind posts.
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Several years ago, until it was changed, in the old format of Yahoo's comment section, if you didn't like to read comments from someone, you could block them from appearing on your screen, thus you didn't even have to see them.

AgingCare website could certainly use a feature like that in its forum. Maybe if many of us ask AC about it, they may consider it.

Until then, just ignore and skip over anything you don't want to read and/or report it if inappropriate.

Deep breath everyone. There are things and people that are not worth a nano second of your time.
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Watch out Send...Mikk will start pm you like she does me and she doesn't stop...EVER!!! And I am not joking!!!
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