Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

It does not matter who Cwillie thinks she is, but many young and old farts on this forum think she is the voice of reason, a real person with common sense, a kind heart, someone whom we can respect and appreciate.

And that is no joke.

Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack? His name was Tim.

It's not that they are X rated, I like a double entendre as well as they next person. It's that they are like little kid potty jokes where you snicker at dirty words even though it isn't clever or funny. And it's that you persist in repeating them just to piss people off.

Yeah, not feeling the x-rated jokes either. J S.

mikkimball: If I wanted x-rated, I would read Penthouse mag. JS.

I appreciate EVERYBODY's jokes. As mrsribit said in the intro to this thread, "please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism." Some are funnier than others, some are "blue-er" than others, and some go right over my head, but I don't care. Everyday there's something new and I love the chuckles I get. I miss Buzzy too, she had some really good ones! I hope that everyone comes back and shares here.

Oh my cwillie, your jokes reminded me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager.

I was at the grocery store with my purse that could hold all my worldly belongings, I have to pull my hair dryer out to get to my wallet and was suddenly over taken with a really bad idea. I look up while I am holding my dryer and say "stickem up"

Yeah, it was not the response I was expecting and I am afraid I scared 10 years off that poor ladies life. Not to mention how scared I was by the lecture I received.

I guess it looked like a hand held cannon to the checker.

Clever ideas gone wrong!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Fun in RETIREMENT...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favours"

Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

When leaving the Zoo, start running yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And My Favourite...

Go to a large Department store's fitting room and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"

Cwillie that is hilarious. Thank you for sharing.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone. So, I went outside and told him he wasn't there and he left.

Let's just send sex offenders to Area 51.
Aliens vs Predators!

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, Who was the smartie that said, quit while you're ahead?

Before marriage a man Yearns for the woman he loves, after marriage the Y becomes silent.

Shin: a device for finding furniture.

If you want your spouse to listen closely and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Everyone is funny.  Jump in, the water's warm!  How is BuzzyBee?

This is wonderful

"How was the book? Who died at the end?" says the woman holding an actual book in her hand.

"The battery" replies the man holding a Kindle e-reader...

Gotta keep those batteries charged if you want to use your electronics!

Thanks for the laughs CW, Frazzled, Smeshque you made my nite!👏😛

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Mr "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Mr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Mr. Young's mouth."
Mr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


Mr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Mr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Mr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Mr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Mr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Mr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

I saw a funny cartoon that showed four middle aged guys in a convertible sportscar. The caption said, "If we carpool, we can save money on our midlife crises."

Every Morning is the dawn of a new error...

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

There are two kinds of pedestrians- the quick and the dead

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

For people who like peace and quiet- a phoneless cord

Gardening rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing weeds and not a valuable plant is to pull on it, if it comes out of the ground easy, it is a valuable plant.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to maintain normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Back of T-shirt worn by a motorcyclist says: "If you can read this the wife fell off"

Just a thought...I wish the millennials would go back to eating Tide Pods and leave the ice cream alone.

ANSWERS To Geezer test
1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took until the '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum. (Who would chew gum called Craps?!)
5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Cooties.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett... and he sounds just as good today!
SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You are probably over 60 and maybe older, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 - 16 correct: Not quite 60 yet, probably over 50, you remember a lot from your older brothers and sisters, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 - 11 correct: You are a baby boomer and have no business taking this test!

Another reward for GrannieAnnie!

God's Plan for Aging ~
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered ...the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath and complain about it.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted. To be continued... I have to go pee

I'm old, I remember many.  But I missed 5, just guessing.

I guess I'm still a young whippersnapper, although I knew a lot of the answers the only two I remember are changing the headlights on the floor of the car and sniffing the mimeograph paper!

Old Geezer Test
1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
  a. On the floor shift knob
   b. On the floor, left of the clutch
   c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?
   a. Capture lightning bugs
   b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing 
   c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
  a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce 
   b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled 
   c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
  a. Blackjack 
   b. Gin 
   c. Craps
5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
  a. Suntan 
   b. Leg painting 
   c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
  a. Studebaker 
   b. Nash Metro 
   c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
  a. Strips of dried peanut butter 
   b. Chocolate-licorice bars 
   c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
   a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
   b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing 
   c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
   a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
   b. Woven straps that crossed the foot 
   c. Long pieces of string or twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
   a. Consider all the facts 
   b. Ask Mom 
   c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?
   a. A cold 
   b. VD 
   c. Cooties
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
   a. SUV
   b. Taxi 
   c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
   a. Old Blue
   b. Paint 
   c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
   a. Part of the game of hide and seek 
   b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores 
   c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
   a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring 
   b. Princess Sacajewea 
   c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
   a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high" 
   b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window 
   c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
   a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
   b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items 
   c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"
   a. Meatballs
   b. Dames 
   c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the group who made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
   a. The Ink Spots 
   b. The Supremes 
   c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
  a. Tony Bennett 
   b. Xavior Cugat 
   c. George Gershwin


Answers to follow