I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Why are Baptists like cats?
ya know there up to something, ya just can catch em at it.
Why dont baptists have sex standing up?
cause someone might mistake it for dancing.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
GrannieAnnie, I am awarding you FIRST PRIZE for this! LOL!
Q: What does it take to become a Baptist?
A: A belief in Jesus and a 9x13 casserole dish!
I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
Wow that's fantastic, I expect; and why not?
What do we learn from cows, buffalos, and elephants??
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads, and walking.
Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.
My daughter impatiently interrupted: "Yeah yeah yeah. I know I know."
Me: "You do? You know why she is your cousin once removed?"
Daughter: "She was removed from the family, then let back in."
Haha
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?
They can’t pass a bar.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
WANTED 1 HUSBAND.
Must not beat me.
Must not run around on me.
Must be good in bed.
A few days later the door bell rang, on opening it she saw a real silver fox sitting in a wheel chair. He said I have come about your ad.
Looking at him she said" but you have no legs, that's no use."
He replied "I know but then I cant run around on you!"
She then said "I also notice you have no arms".
"True", he said, "but on the plus side I cant beat you."
So she tried once more, "But are you good in bed?"
He sat back in his wheelchair & said "I RANG THE DOORBELL DIDN'T I."
Man to wife: After all these years, I still tingle when you touch me. I’m not sure if it’s love or poor circulation.
To spouse: Look at the bright side. It’s nice to know that our sex life doesn’t contribute to global warming.
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
I can't see the point of that, have you ever met a man who will read the instructions?
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signalled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.
Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”