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I just joined and I am surprised that so many jokes??? are ‘off colour’.
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haha MargaretMcKen ... I just saw your light bulb joke... sorry I posted before I read through the latest ones... LOL and we breathe...
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OK... another light bulb joke:
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb has to really want to change...

(and yes, I'm a therapist... LOL)
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Margaret, I have to say that my chiropractor says if it takes me 6 times to help you, I need to find a new profession. Maybe you should find a new chiropractor.
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OK, two more light bulb jokes about professions:

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes six visits.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Speaking as a retired lawyer with a back problem, the first is absolutely true, and the second is totally unjustified. .... except when it comes to challenging wills!
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Thanks Margaret- had a good laugh on that one.😀
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A pair of balanced sexist jokes:

Q: How many men does it take to change either a light bulb or a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It has never happened.

Q. How many women with raging hormones does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, me. And do you know why? Because no one in this house ever lifts a finger except me! Not one! And even if someone even noticed that the light bulb needed changing, I'm the only person who knows where the replacement light bulbs are kept, and why? Because they've only been in the same cupboard for the last FIFTEEN YEARS! And even if by some miracle someone did notice the light bulb needed changing and did find where the replacement bulbs are kept, they would either decide that getting a stepstool is just too much work, or they would leave the stepstool in the middle of the floor, not to mention all the trash they generated, because they think I'm their bleeping SERVANT! . . . I'm sorry, what was the question again?
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Yo mama is so dumb, she stared at a carton of orange juice for an hour because it said 'concentrate'.

Yo mama is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Some Mitch Hedberg one-liners:

I'm sick of following my dreams. I just ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Rice is good if you're hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

My shirt is "dry clean only"... which means its dirty.

If I had nine of my fingers missing, I still wouldn't type any slower.

I passed a billboard the other day that said "Estimated Lotto Jackpot 55 Million Dollars." See, I didn't know that number was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like "Oops we were off by 2 zeros. We estimate that you are angry."
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What do corvettes and hemroids have in common?

Ans: Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.
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So there are some light bulb jokes I hadn’t heard! How about this one:

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

One – but the light bulb has to want to change...
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I may have told this one before but if I didn't.

A woman comes home from her doctor's appt. and is relaying what was discussed to her husband. she says "he checked my heart, my lungs, my blood pressure, etc. etc., everything is good"

Husband responds "what did he say about your big fat @ss?"

Wife, "oh, we didn't talk about you dear"
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One...or two?
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A young couple is having dinner in a restaurant when she says to him, "I think we should break up."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because you're so uncouth."
"What do you mean? Don't I take you to nice places when we go out?"
"Yes," she admits.
"And don't I give you thoughtful gifts on your birthday?"
"Yes," she says.
"And don't I treat your folks with respect and kindness?"
"Yes," she says.
"Then what the f**k is all this 'uncouth' sh*t?"
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A man and his ostrich walk into a bar. The man orders a whiskey instead of his usual beer. The bartender then serves the drink and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender says to the man, "Say, every time you've bought something from here you've always given me the exact change. Is there a particular reason?" To which the man replies, "Once, I was cleaning my attic and I found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes, and I wished that whenever I needed to pay for anything, the correct money would always be there in my pocket."

"That's great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money. I mean, most people would wish for something like a million dollars, but you will never run out of money! By the way, what's up with the ostrich?"

"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.


Comment from me. Too right!! But my bark is worse than my bite. :)
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Yes, cwillie, I started it. lol I am English and I don't object. I never mean offence and try not to upset anyone. I really am not into this P.C. stuff because I am 'old school' but I never mean offence and if it takes a dig at me too, I can live with that. We live (in the real) with so much more. :)

Yours is so funny too. :)
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When I went in for my yearly physical
The doc started with the basics:

"How much do you weigh?" she asked
"Around 135" I said
The nurse put me on the scale,

Turns out I'm 165 lbs.

"What's your height" she asked
"I'm 5 foot 6" I said
The nurse checked and saw that I only measured 5 foot 4.

Then she took my blood pressure and told me that it was too high.

"Of course it's high" I screamed, "when I came in I was tall and slim and now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a b!tch.
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An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scot go into a pub.
The Englishman pulls out a picture of his son. "He was born on St George's day so of course we decided to call him George" he said.
"What a coincidence" says the Scot, "our boy was born on St Andrew's day so naturally we decided to call him Andrew".
"That's incredible!" said the Irishman. "The exact same thing happened with my son Pancake".

(I know it's not pc but Buzzy started it😉)
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya BLEEP_BLEEP! Spit it out!"
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Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Employee: Certainly not! There's no proof.

Boss: There is now. After you left early to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.
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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
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Don't let anyone tell you fairy tales aren't real. Every morning I drink a potion made of magic beans and it brings me back to life.
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When I saw a bumper sticker that said
"I'm a vet, therefore I drive like an animal"
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
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Mikkimball, you’ve just sent me a message containing all the put-down remarks that Salutem messaged me with before. Are you clairvoyant? Wow!
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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