I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb has to really want to change...
(and yes, I'm a therapist... LOL)
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes six visits.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Speaking as a retired lawyer with a back problem, the first is absolutely true, and the second is totally unjustified. .... except when it comes to challenging wills!
Q: How many men does it take to change either a light bulb or a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It has never happened.
Q. How many women with raging hormones does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, me. And do you know why? Because no one in this house ever lifts a finger except me! Not one! And even if someone even noticed that the light bulb needed changing, I'm the only person who knows where the replacement light bulbs are kept, and why? Because they've only been in the same cupboard for the last FIFTEEN YEARS! And even if by some miracle someone did notice the light bulb needed changing and did find where the replacement bulbs are kept, they would either decide that getting a stepstool is just too much work, or they would leave the stepstool in the middle of the floor, not to mention all the trash they generated, because they think I'm their bleeping SERVANT! . . . I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Some Mitch Hedberg one-liners:
I'm sick of following my dreams. I just ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Rice is good if you're hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.
My shirt is "dry clean only"... which means its dirty.
If I had nine of my fingers missing, I still wouldn't type any slower.
I passed a billboard the other day that said "Estimated Lotto Jackpot 55 Million Dollars." See, I didn't know that number was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like "Oops we were off by 2 zeros. We estimate that you are angry."
Ans: Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but the light bulb has to want to change...
A woman comes home from her doctor's appt. and is relaying what was discussed to her husband. she says "he checked my heart, my lungs, my blood pressure, etc. etc., everything is good"
Husband responds "what did he say about your big fat @ss?"
Wife, "oh, we didn't talk about you dear"
"Why?" he asks.
"Because you're so uncouth."
"What do you mean? Don't I take you to nice places when we go out?"
"Yes," she admits.
"And don't I give you thoughtful gifts on your birthday?"
"Yes," she says.
"And don't I treat your folks with respect and kindness?"
"Yes," she says.
"Then what the f**k is all this 'uncouth' sh*t?"
The bartender says to the man, "Say, every time you've bought something from here you've always given me the exact change. Is there a particular reason?" To which the man replies, "Once, I was cleaning my attic and I found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes, and I wished that whenever I needed to pay for anything, the correct money would always be there in my pocket."
"That's great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money. I mean, most people would wish for something like a million dollars, but you will never run out of money! By the way, what's up with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Comment from me. Too right!! But my bark is worse than my bite. :)
Yours is so funny too. :)
The doc started with the basics:
"How much do you weigh?" she asked
"Around 135" I said
The nurse put me on the scale,
Turns out I'm 165 lbs.
"What's your height" she asked
"I'm 5 foot 6" I said
The nurse checked and saw that I only measured 5 foot 4.
Then she took my blood pressure and told me that it was too high.
"Of course it's high" I screamed, "when I came in I was tall and slim and now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a b!tch.
The Englishman pulls out a picture of his son. "He was born on St George's day so of course we decided to call him George" he said.
"What a coincidence" says the Scot, "our boy was born on St Andrew's day so naturally we decided to call him Andrew".
"That's incredible!" said the Irishman. "The exact same thing happened with my son Pancake".
(I know it's not pc but Buzzy started it😉)
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya BLEEP_BLEEP! Spit it out!"
Employee: Certainly not! There's no proof.
Boss: There is now. After you left early to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"I'm a vet, therefore I drive like an animal"
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.