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Thank you to all who post on this thread - I needed some laughs today.
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
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Salutem

You have the same choice as us all.
To read, or not to read.
Skip it, don't comment with a thumbs up.
Or smile and thumbs up.
No need to make a personal comment.
We are all (or most of us) here because of circumstance. We do not need snide remarks, we get enough of those elsewhere.

Buzzy


All of us have different types of humour. I know in the past that my humour does not suit all. I try and be thoughtful of others.
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Sting has been kidnapped. The Police have no lead.
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Fifty year old jokes about orange juice and concentrate were made for ten year olds. Tell something funny and adult so others don't have to compensate
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A young couple moved into the neighbourhood and the next morning the woman next door watched as laundry was hung out on the clothesline.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly, that laundry isn't even clean, it all grey and dingy. Perhaps she needs better soap", she told her husband. Every time the neighbour hung the wash out to dry she made a similar comment.
A couple of months later the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash hanging on the line. "Huh", she said to her husband, "Look at that, someone must have taught her how to clean properly". Looking up from the newspaper her husband replied "I got up early and washed the windows".

And so it is with life, what we see when we look at others depends on the clarity of the window through which we gaze.
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An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Pop came home upset that he'd failed the health and safety course that the senior's centre put on today. One of the questions was "what steps should you take in the event of a fire". Apparently F'N big ones was not the correct answer.
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance,
Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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To the person who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now.
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Mom and I were watching TV, and a doctor came on talking about how the cells of the body die and are replaced over time, and how every seven years you have a new body.
"Gee, Mom," I said. "You're on your last body."
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Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
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What's little and furry and says beeyow, beeyow?

A kitty with a cold!
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How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.
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Suitable for small children:
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate!
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The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
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Salutem, I am neither faint of heart nor religious, and definitely no 'whatever'. Jokes that are neither sexist nor lavatory humor might be less likely to be deleted. Buy a different book of jokes so we can all laugh with you.
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You might like the jokes posted on the "Grossed out and need to vent" thread salutem.
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All of my jokes are racy, so heads up, don't read them if you're faint of heart, religious, or whatever.
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Caregiver says to patient, "how come every time I put you on the commode you start to cry?" Patient says, "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to"
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
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Ok, husband comes home to his wife after work with a goose under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been f******g." Wife says "that's not a pig!" Husband says , "I wasn't talking to you!"
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As he was coming up on another birthday, a man was feeling depressed about his age. Hoping to cheer him up, his wife went shopping to get him some new clothes. A saleswoman asked if she could help her, and the wife said, "I'm looking for something wild and youthful in a pair of men's pants." The saleswoman sighed and said, "Aren't we all, honey, aren't we all."
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I have some great jokes, but many of them keep getting deleted. Corny jokes do nothing for me, if they're not a bit naughty, why bother?
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Sleeping in my yoga pants......I call it "meditation".
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I read a blog that said to do yoga to relax. I've tweaked that a bit to suit me better - I drink wine in yoga pants.
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

:)
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during the 'Our Gang' annual spelling bee, Buckwheat was asked to spell the word 'dictate' which he spelled 'DICTATE' the moderator then asked him to use the word in a sentence. Buckwheat replied, " hey Darla, when we went out last night, how'd my 'dictate?'
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how is the star ship enterprise like toilet paper??

They both circle Uranus and search for clingons.
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