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Patient walks into cardiologists office and says Dr. I have acute angina. Dr. says, "that's good 'cause you got lousy legs." Patient says “you’re going to have to explain that one to the Medical Board, I just don’t get it”.
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Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don't have toetips, yet we can tiptoe. :)
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Patient walks into cardiologists office and says Dr. I have acute angina. Dr. says, "that's good 'cause you got lousy legs."
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I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."


:)
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Disney is suing Daffy Duck for divorce from her husband , Donald on the grounds of insanity. Donald stated, " I never said my wife was crazy, what I said was that she's f*****g Goofey."
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I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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I just read a study that smoking weed causes memory loss.
The next thing you know someone wil develope a study that says smoking weed causes memory loss.
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How does a man know he is in real trouble?

When he has a wife, a girl friend and a car payment and they are all three months late.
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what's the one good thing about memory loss?

You get to make new friends every day
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SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS GROUP

"Good evening. You're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room?"
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Frazzled mama, I thought it said the best way to get back at your feet.

Yes, that zoom noise was my hair being cut close to the scalp on top of my air head. Derhuh!
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We ALL have a photographic memory (Oh yes we do lol)
Its just that some of US are lacking the film.


:)
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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.


:)
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The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
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It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

:)
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Husband: When I die, I'm gonna leave everything to you.

Wife: You already do, you lazy bum!
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Not for those younger than 15.

The guy arrived in the unknown city in dire need of some adult entertainment, but was too shy to ask directly. He then saw an older lady walking by and went:
“Excuse me, ma’am, could you be so kind to show me where the church is?”
“Why, of course young man. It’s just five blocks in that direction.”
“Wow. Right in the middle of the Red-Light District?!”
“Of course not!! The Red-Light is to the north.”
“Thank you.”
And north he went.
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My mother was 18 years old when she had me. In those days they didn't know if it was going to be a girl or boy.
When it was time for me to come into this world, the doctor asked mother, "Well Mary, what do want, a girl or a boy." Mother says, "I want a 52 Dodge!"
So glad she didn't name me Dodge.
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Here I am, a stranger in Alice Springs, asking for directions to a shop. Answer: Keep going down this road, turn left at the corner where Hungry Jack’s used to be, and you’ll see it on the right. Me:?..??
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Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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“It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people.”
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There was a story on our news site about misprints and mistakes:

“I was in my early 20s, got a job on the local paper, and had a chance to be the night sub, checking off on the front-page splash “FIRE BRIGADE WOES”, and heading home for the night. The next morning our front lawn welcomes the thud of a rolled up newspaper warning of “FIRE BRIGAGE WOES”. I still can’t write that word 30 years later without having a flashback.”
 
Spare a thought for David, who told us he’d been taking photos for a double page spread of first-class food for a supplier to a major international airline. "We propped up a product with a toilet roll. Never noticed it was visible in the final image until the brochure was printed." 
 
Or Karyn who “apologised for the incontinence instead of the inconvenience, when rescheduling a meeting in a group email”.
 
Or Chris who “circulated some draft policies from our chief officer. In the email I said: Please review the daft chief officer's policies”.

Does anyone have any more? It’s nice to read about other people’s genuine mistakes, makes you feel so much better!
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Oh Cwillie...I laughed so hard I bout fell out of my chair. That is a good one.
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I think my house is haunted,
every time I try to look in the mirror
some old woman stands in front of me
so I can't see my reflection.
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Myou friend went to jail for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.
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If a lion attacks your wife and your mother-in-law at the same time, whom would you save?

Man: The lion of course. Between those two beasts, the lion doesn't stand a chance.
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When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But she pulled through."
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Someone told Betty White that Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends. Betty responded with, "Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I'm gonna need a ouija board."
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This is one that really should be spoken. I hope that no-one will be as shocked as the Grandma in question.

Seven year old grandson, who has just learnt to read, is helping Grandma unpack and put away the grocery shopping. She hears him ask ‘Grandma, what are dickhead tomatoes?’. Grandma is quite shocked, then grandson also gets upset too because: ‘that’s what it says on the can – dic ed tomatoes’!
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That moment when there's a spider on you,
and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

Not true for me I turn into a long distance runner or a mountain climber.lol
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