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Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone?
Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
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Frazzled: That was a good one!
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
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Not a belly laugh like others but it made me smile.
Two friends of mine that live round the corner from us are 'into' their cats. I think the last count was four or five.

Going past their house I noticed a plaque on their wall (which tickled my sense of humour). It said:-

"This is the cats home but the staff live here as well."
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Another Saturday night in the house, and I just realized that even the trash goes out more than me.
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Oh, oh, I just learned two jokes about unemployed people.

...

On second thought, forget about it. None of them work.
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Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow.

Now read it again without the animals.
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My mother describing porn - "It's prawn." Well, okay then.
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Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!






I'd say that includes me 50% of the time. lol
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In my opinion,this is a quote from a spouse. lol

I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision,
ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.
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An Easter Joke for sadists:
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Answer: A hot cross bunny.
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Frazzeldmama, if a vegan loves the camera is it wrong to call them a ham?
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My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her.
The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
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The young priest would talk to a congregation for the first time. Needless to say, he was nervous, and seek advice from an older man of God.
“Pray a lot, take deep breaths, don’t focus in one person alone and, if you feel you are losing their attention, use humor. For instance, I usually say ‘last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.’ That makes everybody pay attention, I deliver the punchline ‘It was my beloved mother’ and I go on with the subject.”

The young one thanked him a lot, and went to do his call. Sure enough, soon no one was paying attention to his hesitant sermon, and he started:
“Last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.”
Everyone looked at him shocked, and he went on
“It was Father John’s mother.”
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I hope I don't offend anyone. But you have been warn!

What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter basket!!

Heard this when I was a kid!
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
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Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
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A woman just found a Black Hole 53 million light-years from Earth. Do you think you can hide from yours at the pub around the corner?
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Yesterday I saw my crazy neighbour talking to her cat and it was obvious she thought the cat understood her. I went home and told my dog... we laughed and laughed...
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My SIL bless her, took excellent care of my mother in her final years. I lived about 1500 miles from them. When Mom tripped over her knitting at 92 and broke her leg, home health came in and installed various devices to assist in her transfer from bed to wheelchair, from wc to toilet, wc to shower, very helpful people they were. Calling to check on everyone one evening I asked SIL how things were going, hows mom? Her response, right now she is practicing twerking on her new stripper pole. WTH? (Mom was very, very religious).
On another call to check on everyone, SIL reported giving mom an ice cream on a stick, mom saying I remember these, SIL being excited she remembered something asked what she remembered, "this is a pregnancy test". Lol, SIL spit her ice cream all over the living room, mom certainly didn't understand that!
Not very often, but once in a while, care giving has it's moments. Thanks mom, miss you.
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Response to kimber166, I had to laugh about married men living longer, I bought my husband a koozie that said, married men don't live longer, it just seems that way!

We tell people we have been married for 25 years, but it only feels like 25 minutes....under water!
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I work at a jail and we get a lot of sad cases:

An 80 year old woman was in court to answer for her 8th shoplifting arrest.
Judge: Mrs. S****, I've seen you here before! What are you doing back in my courtroom?
Woman: I'm here for shoplifting, your honor
Judge: Shoplifting, again? What did you take this time?
Woman: A can of peaches, your honor
Judge: A can of peaches? How many peaches were in that can?
Woman: 5, sir
Judge: Okay, I'm going to make an example of you today, Mrs. S. I'm sentencing you to 5 days for every peach that was in that can. You are going to jail for 5 days!
Her husband was in the courtroom watching the proceedings. He stood up and said, "Your honor, she stole a can of peas too!"
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Someone was complaining about caring being like Groundhog Day. Perhaps this is what we all need:

Quote from Sam Goldwyn of Metro Goldwyn Meyer - “What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax”.
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No offence meant :)

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
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Sorry its a bit long $(*_*)$ (me with my ear rings on. lol


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo, and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?
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This may not be for everyone... you've been warned.

She got close and asked
"Jonny, dear, would you take off my blouse?"
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, take off my shoes."
He did it.
"Hmmmm, Jonny, take off my skirt."
He did so.
"Jonny, take off my stockings. Slowly Theeeere you go."
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, honey, take off my bra."
He did it.
"AND NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR, JONNY?"
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Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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A couple of quotes about capitalism:

From Dorothy Parker: “Why is it that no one ever sent me one perfect limousine? It’s always my luck to get one perfect rose.”

From Quentin Crisp: “Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level! It’s cheaper”.
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This is more of a truism than a joke, but it made me laugh because I know a lot of us, myself included, have been there:

"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."
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