I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
I gave him a glass of water.
Two friends of mine that live round the corner from us are 'into' their cats. I think the last count was four or five.
Going past their house I noticed a plaque on their wall (which tickled my sense of humour). It said:-
"This is the cats home but the staff live here as well."
...
On second thought, forget about it. None of them work.
Now read it again without the animals.
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
I'd say that includes me 50% of the time. lol
I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision,
ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Answer: A hot cross bunny.
The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
“Pray a lot, take deep breaths, don’t focus in one person alone and, if you feel you are losing their attention, use humor. For instance, I usually say ‘last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.’ That makes everybody pay attention, I deliver the punchline ‘It was my beloved mother’ and I go on with the subject.”
The young one thanked him a lot, and went to do his call. Sure enough, soon no one was paying attention to his hesitant sermon, and he started:
“Last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.”
Everyone looked at him shocked, and he went on
“It was Father John’s mother.”
What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?
You can hide your own Easter basket!!
Heard this when I was a kid!
On another call to check on everyone, SIL reported giving mom an ice cream on a stick, mom saying I remember these, SIL being excited she remembered something asked what she remembered, "this is a pregnancy test". Lol, SIL spit her ice cream all over the living room, mom certainly didn't understand that!
Not very often, but once in a while, care giving has it's moments. Thanks mom, miss you.
We tell people we have been married for 25 years, but it only feels like 25 minutes....under water!
An 80 year old woman was in court to answer for her 8th shoplifting arrest.
Judge: Mrs. S****, I've seen you here before! What are you doing back in my courtroom?
Woman: I'm here for shoplifting, your honor
Judge: Shoplifting, again? What did you take this time?
Woman: A can of peaches, your honor
Judge: A can of peaches? How many peaches were in that can?
Woman: 5, sir
Judge: Okay, I'm going to make an example of you today, Mrs. S. I'm sentencing you to 5 days for every peach that was in that can. You are going to jail for 5 days!
Her husband was in the courtroom watching the proceedings. He stood up and said, "Your honor, she stole a can of peas too!"
Quote from Sam Goldwyn of Metro Goldwyn Meyer - “What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax”.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
She got close and asked
"Jonny, dear, would you take off my blouse?"
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, take off my shoes."
He did it.
"Hmmmm, Jonny, take off my skirt."
He did so.
"Jonny, take off my stockings. Slowly Theeeere you go."
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, honey, take off my bra."
He did it.
"AND NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR, JONNY?"
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
From Dorothy Parker: “Why is it that no one ever sent me one perfect limousine? It’s always my luck to get one perfect rose.”
From Quentin Crisp: “Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level! It’s cheaper”.
"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."