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You know how when you buy bagged salad it turns brown & mushy on you?

Cookies never treat you like that.
(6)
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Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy mollie! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Hahahahaha
(3)
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the
International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.

After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
(5)
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Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
(7)
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We may not get what we want.....
we may not get what we need.....

but may we NEVER get what we deserve.
(3)
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
(6)
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That money talks, I'll not deny,
I heard it once
It said, "Goodbye"

Richard Armour
(4)
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Political correctness gone too far.

Tip, tap, tip, tap,
who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house? – Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
(1)
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Life is short, smile while you still have teeth and
always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
(8)
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It was a cold winter evening:
A wife send her husband an sms "Windows frozen".

The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife:
"Well that did't work, the computer is completely kaput now".
(8)
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The other day my husband called his caregiver "Rabbi". (We are not Jewish...)
(4)
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Somebody said, "I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I get."
(2)
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Miscellaneous quotes:

Shakespeare: “brevity is the soul of wit”. Dorothy Parker: “brevity is the soul of lingerie”.

A quote from a totally correct novelist I’ve never heard of: “Progress would be wonderful, if only it would stop!”

A quote from Damon Runyon: “The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to place the bet”.
(1)
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Longish :)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
(13)
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What do you call a preacher in Berlin?

A German Shepherd.
(5)
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My husband has trouble controlling his hands and grabbing things. One day while I was fixing him up in his bed, he grabbed a breast. I said "you don't have any trouble getting to these" and we laughed.
(7)
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After almost a week caring for my mother, I am on my way home.
Funny thing is, the lady at my side in the 2+ hour bus trip spent the whole time texting and trying to shield her phone from me.
As if! As if I had any interest on that Carla that is dating the higher ups to get a promotion ahead of her, or if Prissy will finally break up with Max, leaving him free to Jane try her luck, nor if her father is spending all his retirement money at that Bingo Club.
(6)
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Its a bit long, but stick it out. ;)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
(11)
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Three siblings made a bet: who would give the best gift to their aging mother.
The first bought her a huge house.
The second was not called Lloyd, but bought her a Mercedes-Benz.
The third remembered her faith and devotion, and how she was complaining about not being able to read the Bible no more. So, he bought a rare parrot, and hired monks to teach it to repeat Scripture. In the end, he spent more than the other two. We’re talking eight digits here.

After two months, they asked her what gift she liked the most.
“John. Do you think in my age I have energy to clean that house, or to manage all the workers needed to run it? Not to mention how expensive it is. No, I’d rather be on a simple room-and-bathroom studio.”
“Daisy. I can barely see, what do you think I would do with a car? It’s collecting dust and I still need a cab or lift to go around.”
“Mike, you’re the only one who really thought about me. That chicken was delicious.”
(7)
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"Mountain Dew's" other name "Mountain Don't."
(2)
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My mother - "I want to go to Kenf###y Tied Chicken."
(4)
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Forgive me if I already posted this somewhere. Early in the disease hubby said, "My wife is smart but she's pretty ego-testicle."
(5)
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okay maybe this is political but I'm not, I just think it's funny.

Russian citizen during the days of the USSR: "We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."
(4)
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I can’t ignore that most jokes are sexist, racist, classist or whatever ...ist. But here goes…
The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
(3)
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And some middle-of-the-road political joke/ quotes:

Jean Colbert, Minister of Finances in France, said “The art of taxation is to pluck the goose to get the most feathers with the least hissing”.

From Mark Twain: “Dear reader, suppose you are an idiot; then suppose you are a member of Congress: but I repeat myself...”.

A quote from Calvin Coolidge (put together a la Singing in the Rain): “Nothing I never said ever harmed me”.
(3)
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Blonde 1 says to Blonde 2, sitting in the twilight next to the pool:
Which is closer, New York or the moon?
Blonde 2 says ‘duh.. you can see the moon!’.
(4)
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This joke comes with a warning. Its a bit rude.

Two canibals hunting in a wood.
They only manage to catch one man between them.
Man gets boiled up in the pot and they agree to share him.
First one started at the foot and when he got to the ankle he said to the other one,
"How you doing?"
Second one said,
"I'm having a ball"
First one said, "You're eating too fast!"
(6)
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A Grandpa and Grandma decided to renew their wedding vows. The preacher at the opening of the ceremony said, "Would you like to repeat your vows?" Grandpa said, "A..E..I..O..U."
(8)
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My cat was sick on the carpet today.
I guess she is not feline well?
(8)
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"To," "Two," and "Too" are three separate words. Its [sic] not stupid two [sic] use them incorrectly.
(2)
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