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My cow had her baby today!


She is now decalfinated!
(12)
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I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"....
there so stupid.
(9)
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Mother: how many times I need to tell you to use a coaster??
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The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."


*crickets chirp*
Sheesh, tough croud
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
(8)
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One of my favorite memes:

"Auto-correct has become my worst enema."
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Another of my mother's jokes: Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to use the word "notwithstanding" in a sentence. After a moment's thought, he said, "Johnny wore out the seat of his pants, but notwithstanding."
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Okay, I'm going to subject you to one of my mother's favorite jokes. There was once a little girl who received two gifts for Christmas: a watch, and a bottle of perfume. She was very excited about both gifts and loved to listen to the watch ticking [yes, some of us do recall when watches ticked], and dabbing the perfume behind her ears...Well, the minister was invited to dinner and the little girl really wanted to show off her presents but her parents told her in no uncertain terms that she had better behave herself at the dinner table...so dinner progressed, and the little girl simply couldn't contain her excitement any longer, and blurted out "If you HEAR anything or SMELL anything, IT'S ME!"
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"I'm in the mood for love...
"Simply because you're near me...
"Funny, but..."

Say, you DO have a funny butt!
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Some of you may get a chuckle out of this one: My husband, who was an electrical engineer, used to say, "The best thing about engineering is that it's only 90% human relations."
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Actually, there are only TWO kinds of people in the world: those who think there are only two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.
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The genuine road side signs around here often make me chuckle. Why not, when you see a sign that simply says ‘Rhubarb Pie’. But my favourite winter sign, outside a pub near us, says ‘Open Fire’. I always wonder whether to duck!
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I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought,
"That sounds like a fair trade".
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I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over.
It's the law.
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Dinner quips:

A quote from Woody Allen: The lion and the lamb shall lie down together. But the lamb won't sleep for long.

A quote from a novelist I’ve never heard of: “There are times when parenthood seems to be feeding the mouth that bites you”.
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Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings.
(9)
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Bad news is, I took the wrong medication...Good news is, I'm protected from heartworms & fleas for the next three months.
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Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
(6)
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
LEAN BEEF.!
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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
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Two blonds were sitting on their balcony in Bourke, Australia looking up at the stars. Blonde 1 said
”which is closer. New York or the moon?”
blonde 2 said “Duh. You can see the moon”
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I think it was Rita Rudner who said "Marriage is where you choose the person you're gonna annoy for the rest of your life."
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Margaret,
Thanks for that. He responded....uh huh.

He did say that one could still eat that salad that fell on the floor.

I am going on with my day, enjoying ALL the jokes and quotes, keeping them between my friends and I.
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I'm still not sure if all these quotes count as jokes, but at least they are a contribution. I wonder what dH says (that's if you are still on speaking terms)!?

A quote from Benjamin Franklin: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut afterwards”.

A quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor: “A girl should marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it”.

A poet I’ve never heard of: “It doesn’t marry who you marry, you soon find out it was someone else”.
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The man who created auto correct has died, may he restaurant in peace.
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Don't you hate it when your salad accidentally falls on the floor and you have to eat pizza instead?
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The joke is funny, Buzzybee! I think the fact that you adjusted the joke for him shows a great sense of humor in you!

I wrote to show how dH takes the fun (funny) out of everything.
I was not criticizing the joke. He was rambling down a common path that goes no where due to his condition.

I like that you are a domestic engineer. So am I....
However, I drive dH to his part-time job.
That makes me a "driver", but I don't know for how long.....lol.

Dh better get his sense of humor back, or I will be sad. I will tell it to my BIL myself, he will "get it".
(1)
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Dont worry about it my friend. lol Ask him if it is funny now? Personally I don't think it is. By the way, in my day they were called drivers. I am now a domestic engineer. hahaha But hey, what do I know. lol

"I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the engineer/driver?"

Expanation of joke.
They did not realize I was the engineer/driver

Sorry could not resist as it was only a bit of fun. I said WAS only a bit of fun It obviously is not any longer.
(1)
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