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Shared some jokes with my dH.
Quote: "I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the driver?"

He said the one about the train was too simple.
A discussion ensued.
I said "I cannot believe we are having this discussion," as he starts taking apart the words, intellectualizing them.
He said "I don't think intelligent adults like my brother and I appreciate the simplicity of the joke, it is stupid".
"The simplicity is what makes it funny", I said.
True to his nature, dH wanted to correct the wording, saying: "My brother would not like the joke because he is an engineer, not a "driver".
"I deal with simplicity and stupid everyday and it makes me laugh", I said sarcastically.
He went on to discuss the joke some more....same joke.....he is still mulling it over.
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Thank you!
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FAST FOOD WORKER to a slightly deaf gentleman: "Any condiments?"
GENTLEMAN: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”


Sorry a bit of a silly one today - not that my others are much better. lol
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I bought my 94 yr old brother an Alexa Echo by creating an Amazon account myself and giving him the device. While visiting I observed his nurse was always reminding him to drink water, get up from the TV and walk, empty his catheter bag which he calls Stanley and take scheduled pills. To help I created hourly reminders on the Alexa app which include little jokes. After returning to my home I was able to continue to update the reminders daily with new limericks, jokes and comments that play 300 miles away on the Echo. My daily phone calls always included how much laughter the reminders caused.
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What's Forrest Gump's password?
1 FOREST 1
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"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed...."
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Another quote from Groucho Marx (the dirty devil): “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels”.

A quote from Mae West: “Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you”.

A quote from James Thurber, via a Tshirt : “A mother’s place is in the wrong”.

A quote from an American writer I’ve never heard of: “A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever”.
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!!
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, BUT it takes 6 visits.
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I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the driver?"
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I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.
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This is real happened today. My husband used to be a plumber. A very good plumber. Now he has Dementia. We had a doctors appointment today. We were waiting only a few minutes when he said to me “don’t they know we have an appointment time”. Then he went to the lovely receptionist and said “how much longer will they be? I’m a plumber you know. Nobody keeps a plumber waiting “
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A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. 
Boy: Why do you look so fat? 
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. 
Boy: Is it a good baby? 
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. 
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
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Two old women were chatting and one asked "Would you rather have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's".
"Parkinson's" replied her friend, "I'd rather spill half a glass of wine than forget where I've put the bottle".
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Men should take Viagra to help with sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off your legs at night.
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The clerk:
"They're right behind you!"
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Doctor. Doctor. I think I’m a dog
Really? How interesting Please take a seat on the lounge
Sorry I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture
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If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate,
would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
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I’ll try my best on this with my humor experience as a 24//7 long one.... I’ve actually had 10 times or plus police at house and they travel in 2’s. I never thought in line i’d ask police for their cards and have a collection . This is 911 calls from my home over past 2 1/2 years Don’t add in fire & rescue because there is fire engine and ambulance that show up and wake everybody up in neighborhood . I told female police officer once my dementia dad has a itchy trigger finger with a phone. She says, you mean gun. I said no, dialing 911. I did tell her I have guns. She asked does he have access to guns. I said no, he can’t even walk down stairs and let alone being scared . I told a police officer I have guns on a call previously and there locked up call to police. I showed him gun vault/safe locked. He said smart, you got a dial safe or vault. You also need to know the combination. I also accidentally said to the female police officer on 911 call. I’m on double dose. She said what, do mean drugs. I said no, it’s as being a 24/7 caregiver twice. Funny part is, I don’t know if it was a funny innuendo remark or I should be on drugs. Funny part is attorney said don’t call Adult Protection Services because they are worse than police. Female police said she was calling them. They come unannounced and knock on door. The ones that came to my house we’re very nice and pleasure to be with and close touch with them. Now, throw this one in on burner for humor. I’ve never been married and don’t plan on. I was talking to the male APS on the phone and then he brought up a question, did the female agent accidentally leave her necklace badge at the house because I think she lost it . I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it; but, wish I did because she’d have to come back and for it. ask him if him if she was married and he said very. I was thinking maybe she could Adult sit my my dad for 12hrs if he doesn’t scare her off like police officers and rescue and have normal relationship with her. I know that’s a NO and ain’t gonna happen. End
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Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

(If you can remember that far back. lol - my comment)
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Woohoo!!! BuzzyBee is back!!
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My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory.
As they came off the line,
I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
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A quote from Dorothy Parker, on a new baby: “Congratulations! We all knew you had it in you!”

A quote from Ogden Nash, on seduction: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

A quote from Groucho Marx: “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing something.”
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What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork Chop
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Buzzybee - Please do not leave. I love your jokes. Whoever gets offended shouldn't have entered this thread. READ THE SUBJECT LINE "Enter at your own risk!"

If the joke about forgetfulness is offensive, then let's remove the joke about hard of hearing, and the joke about nuttella/pregnant, etc.

Where does it end? We will have nothing left to laugh about. Don't cave to that constipated individual.

BuzzyBee, please continue posting. I look forward to your daily jokes.
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If a caregiver on a forum that caters to those caring for their often demented loved ones can't make a joke about ALZ then nobody can - whoever is calling you out should pull their head out of their self righteous backside and look around. Don't leave buzzybee, we all count on the smiles you bring.
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Admin - please remove my joke about alzhimers. It has offended and I meant no harm.
I have to laugh at all of our disadvantages or I would go quietly mad. I probably still am. But the only way I can overcome stuff is to laugh at it. It will still be staring me in the face but I will have taken off a little of its devistation.

Sorry to have offended. It was not meant.
I will not post for a while.
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Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said
the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
the Unicorns
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aah I feel better already, I really needed this tonight :D
thank you everyone!
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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