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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for half an hour and come out wrinkle free and two sizes smaller?
(15)
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You sound reasonable.
It must be time to up my medication!
(6)
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How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
(5)
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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
(7)
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According to my mirror I am pregnant.
The father is Nutella.
(8)
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Keep me in your thoughts today. I'm going to see the banker. I'm not talking hundreds, but thousands of dollars. I'm so excited that I can hardly pull my ski mask down.
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I had my first date in 2019. Ok...well, it's just a court date, but I'm going to dress up.
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Burp. Belch....pardon me!

It is who you are when you are alone that counts.
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OK So I promise not to do any more "What do we want?" jokes lol
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The worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
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"What do we want? "

"The right to be indecisive! "

"When do we want it? "

"Er. ......."
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I have a problem with escalators............but I'm taking steps to get help.
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"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"
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What do we want!?!

A cure for alzhimers!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?
(19)
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
(10)
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What did the squirrel say to his valentine? I'm nuts about you.
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My husband said our relationship had lost the spark...so I tasered him.
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Got a birthday card from the funeral home. I'm not impressed...they only want me for my body.
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Right, this may not be for everyone. Consider yourself warned.
Do you know jokes with a delay? The ones that demand you to think a bit. My favorite is:
 
The man worked at a Pickling Company and was getting more and more anxious.
“You know” he said once to his wife “I often feel like inserting my penis in the Cucumber Slicer.”
“Heavens, honey. That’s stress, you’re working 20 years at the same place. How about seeing a psychologist?”
“Maybe, maybe.”
Another week, and she asked:
“So, are you still thinking about that nonsense?”
“More and more.”
“I told you, you’re too stressed. I know. Take two weeks off, we can go to the mountains, you used to like hiking when we were dating, remember?”
“Hm, I will talk to the boss.”
Another week and he arrived home at the middle of the afternoon.
“What happened?” asked the wife.
“I got fired.”
“What do you mean?! How?”
“Just that. They fired… both me and the Cucumber Slicer.”
(10)
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Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" the assistant continued "So I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist yells, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Sure you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough"
(9)
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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
(9)
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Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
(5)
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R.I.P boiled water.
You will be mist.
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When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
(10)
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l love these!!!!
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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.
After that, he went down hill fast.
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"Lately, when I close my eyes, I see a bunch of white spots."
"Have you seen an Ophthalmologist?"
"No, just a bunch of white spots."
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When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
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Oh my stars & garters! You guys really hit the funny bone with the jokes today!!! A couple hit close to home. I have big eyes, elf ears & a loving chihuahua. Last week I put menthol pain cream on my face rather than hydrocortisone rash ointment: same red & white tube, not wearing my glasses, also on autopilot!!! Reading the jokes is always the highlight of my day. Thanks everyone!!!
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