mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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You say, "Hey dog, gimme some gum." :)
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
You guessed, snow flakes.
The funeral we had just attended came off as subdued and very good taste. So on the way home I decided to call VA and find out how we could get buried at the veterans cemetery. I called the VA office in LA and after giving my personal background the VA representative told me that she was sorry that we couldn’t be buried in the veterans cemetery because I wasn't a veteran. I told her that I was in the service with 22 continuous years including a year I had spent in Vietnam.
She responded, “Yes, but you weren’t wounded!” I argued and then she put me on hold and admitted that her supervisor said that being wounded was not a requirement. I certainly wasn't going to ask any significant questions of this dunce, but I couldn't resist rattling her cage.
We are in Nevada and although the federal government owns millions of acres of land, when it comes to Veterans Cemeteries burial plots are rationed. I believe this is true all over the country but I’m not sure.
The way it works is when the husband dies he is buried at the veteran’s cemetery. When the wife dies they dig up the husband put the wife in the plot and then put him back in on top of her. Most civilians are not familiar with this procedure and many veterans are unaware of it.
Nevertheless, that’s the way it works. So when this expert from the VA came back on the phone, I couldn’t resist asking her what we do if the wife dies first. I told her that we were thinking of storing her in the garage, but lately were considering just laying her out on the dining table because that would be more respectful. I don’t remember the expert’s answer, but she had previously lost her main argument that “You weren't wounded so you are not a veteran.”
The truth is, if the wife dies first, she receives a proper burial at the gravesite with her own name on the grave marker. When the husband dies, he is buried in the same plot and a new marker losing both of their names is substituted.
We are both going to be cremated so we’ll have no trouble squeezing into one space.
"Do you small carrot? "
Fantastic until it is found out he is peeing in the fridge. lol
I am 73 and so glad I have to sit to go. hahaha
It was already stuffed.
Because he was a little hoarse.
He had the drum sticks!
funeral director comes out (the regular guy had died abruptly while attending a wedding), he shows us a book of caskets & liners. My late mother~"I think I'll be more comfortable in that one."
Me~"How will you know?"
Insert MUCH LAUGHTER!
Sharing spaces is all the rage now, from office space to apartment spaces.
I will let you know when I rent mine.
Anytime now.
Has even death become a temporary thing? What next?
He had an issue with swallowing for some reason. Can't remember but its a known thing - stress related which made sense at the time.
Anyway, my Dad is well overweight. It would have been months before was malnourished. He could eat but, of course, eating meat was difficult to chew.
GP had told him about 5 times he was fine but he was convinced.
So one day:-
DAD: "I think I'm getting weaker and weaker because I'm not eating"
ME: "Dad you're fine - the GP said so"
DAD: "But I'm not eating any meat, so I'm not getting the goodness and vitamins and its slowly weakening me"
ME: <trying to stop laughing but can't> "Dad its not often you see vegetarians keel over in the street these days!"
Yes, example of my Dads stubborness and refusal to listen to anyone but very funny at the time.
But after you'd just told all the firemen about it I think you got off pretty lightly with the thermometer. She might've put it somewhere else 😳
A few years later, after a romantic interlude I got up from bed. On the way to the bathroom I fell flat on my face. I immediately knew that I had a stroke and that I might be dying. That didn't trigger thoughts of my wife and family. Instead, I couldn’t wait to tell all the other old guys that I had just died the best way there was.
My wife called 911 and the room seemed filled with firemen and paramedics. By that time I was feeling funny. I don’t mean that I was feeling unusual, I mean that I suddenly got a sense of humor.
One of the firemen standing over me looked like he was trying to figure out what to do next. At that time I came up with something incredibly stupid, that I seemed to think was funny. I told the firemen who looked like he was lost, “She did it!” I realize now that if I would have died at that time my wife was in a world of hurt. Fortunately, the lost firemen seemed equally perplexed by my dying declaration and possibly not wanting to get involved in a legal matter decided he had heard nothing and just walked away.
I was in the hospital emergency room surrounded by my family and a nurse. I could hear that in the next cubicle was some of the guy who was there for his own emergency. The nurse then reached beyond the curtain into his room and wheels one of those thermometers and announces that she has to take my temperature.
I may have been pretty sick, but I didn’t feel pretty sick and I watched everything they wanted to do. So when they wheeled in the thermometer, I asked, “Is it clean?” At that point, my loving wife grabs the devise and uttered these unforgettable words. “No, they just took it out of the guy's rectum next door here, open up! And with that she shoved it into my mouth. Even I saw the humor in that scene.
Hobo90
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'
Waiter with white drapped cloth on his arm~ "And for your entree, ma'am?"
Her~ "That will be all." "I don't think he likes me."
Him~ "I like everyone" without smiling.
Insert ~ my mother had a White Russian before that.
Me ~ let me crawl under the table NOW.
Johnny- "No, I'm helping her share!"