Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
My late mother said she wanted to go to Ken####y Tied Chicken.
(3)
Report

We are dust and will return to dust. That's why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.
(13)
Report

"Cool round table. Who built it?"
"Sir Cumference."
(7)
Report

My boss told me he was going to fire the person with the worst posture.
I have a hunch that might be me. ;)
(10)
Report

More soup.

Diner: Waiter! What's this you've given me?
Waiter: It's bean soup, sir.
Diner: I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
(10)
Report

At my mother's funeral home viewing, I got stuck in the very ancient bathroom because it had a VERY ancient lock! I thought I may have to climb out the window, but ALAS---I finally got out of my bathroom prison!
(4)
Report

Dr. talking to me:
I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is you have full blown aids. The good news is you have Alzheimer's and won't remember it.
(5)
Report

An old lady in an old folks home decided to perk up the two old men sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch.
So she stripped off all of her clothes and “streaked” in front of them!
Fred: “Did you see that!? It was Bertha, and did you see what she was wearing?!”
Homer: “Not very well, but whatever it was looked like it needed ironing!”
(12)
Report

Sending that one on to my daughter, Loren! 😂
(1)
Report

What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup?



Anyone can popcorn
(7)
Report

Was not going to post for a while but my friend just sent me this one. :)

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night 
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to do some 
‘horizontal dancing’ with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could 
not do the ‘wild thing’.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel 
clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from 
under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
(14)
Report

True story: When my Alz husband refused to wear his CPAP (nighttime breathing machine) I angrily said, "You want me to be a widow?"

His reply: "I want you to be a widow bit nicer!"

hahaha
(16)
Report

From a cup mat I bought my hubby.

HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND
Always kiss him when he goes out and comes in.
Always give him the best chair for watching the television.
Do not ask him where he is going when he steps out at 9.45 pm.
Always have a meal ready for him each evening, and give him what you save out of the housekeeping.
Do all you can for him, and if that does not satisfy him----
Shoot him.
(7)
Report

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot
than to open your mouth and prove it.




Bit like me :s
(6)
Report

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.
(5)
Report

"Police is looking for a man, with one eye, called McPherson."
"What's the name of the other eye?"
(6)
Report

Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
(7)
Report

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
(8)
Report

OH Buzzy that is so funny, we were out 4 wheeling and I saw my 1st ever in person dung beetle, then this joke comes up. Seriously, no crap!
(3)
Report

A Dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
"Is this stool taken?"
(10)
Report

Isthisreallyreal: YouTube. I searched for *beeeep* giving a *beeep* pill to a Beeeep* cat *beeeeeeep*. That didn't work, and I tried just "pills" and "cats"
- get the cat on your arms like a baby
- press the sides of his mouth, so he opens it
- throw the pill in
- tickle his nose, he will have no choice but swallow.

Worked like a charm.

Funny thing is, I thought the cream would be more difficult, since I would be touching a hurt area, but he accepted it well. Maybe the medicine was painkiller. However:
Vet: "to avoid the cat licking the cream, play with him for three-to-five minutes, letting the medicine dry.
Very smart me used his hands to play with the cat. Ouch-ouch-ouch.
(2)
Report

I put my phone in Airplane mode and now it calls me Shirley.
(7)
Report

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people


P.S. I crushed the pills and sprinkled on their food then popped a little more food on top. :)
(4)
Report

My German shepherd would do the same thing, I even melted the cheese and the refrigerated it, nope, cheese gone, pill stuck to the floor.

I ended up poking it down her throat.

How did you win?
(3)
Report

Ok, an anedocte that happened to me in the end of last year. I decided to spend my vacations with my parents. My mother has several health and mobility issues, so I thought I could take my laptop and do some work.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother.
BUT my sister-in-law got a temporary job and started leaving her two daughters at my parents house, two angels of six and four years.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother and sitter of two girls.
I promisse all those barbies and nail polish didn't hurt my masculinity.
A week laker, the cat appeared with a leg injuried. Rush to the vet, she said not to worry, he just fought another cat or dog.
"Here, twice a day give him these pills and aply this cream."
So I was there, caregiver of my mother, sitter of two girls and nurse of a cat.
Do you think I got any work done?
A coda:
I asked the vet how could I give pill to the cat. She said it was easy, Just mix with a food he likes, and he will swallow it.
I got a small strip of ham and wrapped up the pill on it.
The *beeeeppp* pet unwrapped it, ate the ham and left the pill.
I was all "Oh, yeah? You ancestors were licking their butts, mine were discovering the fire. You're still licking your butt. Let's see who wins."
I got a tiny chunk of cheese, bury the pill inside it, gave to the cat.
"Unwrap it now, you freak."
He ate around the pill.
(10)
Report

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead
(10)
Report

No jokes from me...apparently I'm not that creative! But laughing like crazy reading yours!
(4)
Report

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting in my nose
(11)
Report

To get rid of unwanted junk this holiday season, simply put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.
(20)
Report

A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter