I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
A: To be sure, to be sure
Say it with an Irish accent. :)
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
So the neighbor drove off and the rain started and soon the first floor of Joe's house was underwater. Two men in a rowboat saw Joe in a second story window and rowed over. "Mister, you better come with us or you'll be drowned. There's room for one more in our boat."
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The men rowed away and it rained even harder, and before long the second floor of Joe's house was underwater. Joe was sitting on the roof when a Coast Guard rescue ship approached him. "Come on, Mister," the captain yelled, "Get on board or you'll be killed by the floodwaters!"
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The Coast Guard left, and the rain continued to pour down until the only thing left visible above water was Joe straddling the chimney. A helicopter hovered down and dropped a rope ladder. "Come on, buddy, climb up to safety. It's your last chance!"
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The helicopter flew off, and the rain continued to fall and Joe and his house were completely consumed by the deluge. The house washed away and Joe drowned.
As he stood before the Lord he said, "Lord, I trusted in you and yet you let me drown! Why?"
"Well," said the Lord, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."
When the lady goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
Read more funny jokes: https://short-funny.com/marriage-wife-husband-jokes-3.php#ixzz5WXYxmV1F
One says Ah call my husband "Elephant man" cos he's hung like a big trunk
The other says, well I call my man "Tia Maria",
To which the first replies, Tia Maria? Are you kidding me? Ain't that some kind of fancy liquer.
To which the other replied, it sure is!
–
“Your sense of humour.”
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
"Honey, I'm home"
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
"May I speak to Mr. Steinberg, please?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," the old man says, "Mr Steinberg is in court today."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg is playing golf and won't be back until two."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg retired a year ago and is no longer with the firm."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
The old man says, "Speaking."
One asks "Where's the soap?
And the other replied, "It does, doesn't it."
Don't worry my sister told me this one when I was about seven and it took me years to get it! The next one took a long time too!!!!
Two nuns riding a tandem took a short cut down a steep cobbled road.
The one at the front said, "I have never come this way before."
And the one behind her said "Neither have I."
By the skid marks,,,, :-(
While they were riding in the Queen's golden carriage, one of the horses was suffering from flatulence and the Trump tried to hold his breath because the smell was terrible. This happened several times and the POTUS was visibly having trouble breathing.
The Queen noticed his discomfort and said " I am most awfully sorry about the unpleasant odor."
To which he replied "No problem your Highness, I thought it was the horses."
A man is out jogging when he stops to pay respects to a funeral procession.
At the front was a man walking a large dog, followed by the hearse and then a lot of people walking in single file.
Intrigued he asked the man with the dog to explain the strange entourage.
Well, said the guy, this is my dog and he killed my mother in law who is in the hearse.
Wow, said the jogger, could you lend me your dog?
Of course, the man replied, but you will have to join the line of people walking behind the hearse and wait for your turn.
We have 245 tiles.
The old man lived on for another six years until he died for the second time.
After the funeral as his sons where once again carrying the coffin out of the chapel three voices rang out in unison, "Mind the steps, Charlie!"
The attendant patiently asks what type of dildo she wants because they come in many different sizes and colors.
I want that red one exclaims the old lady, rather breathlessly.
!What" exclaimed the surprised shop assistant "that is a fire extinguisher"
and the old lady replied "Yes, exactly!"
Unfortunately, in my case, it's brake fluid ;)
**********************
An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.
Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . ."
The old woman then asked: "Doooo youuuu carry aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?"
Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded, "Yes, yes we do."
She stammered, "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."
www.stumpedtowndementia.com/blog-1/terms-of-indifference
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”