Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
It was mainly PORTION control. My husband has lost 23 1/2 pounds since January. He said he wants to lose at least another 5 more pounds and he will be within his normal range. His goal is 160 pounds at 5’8”. My son bought us an instapot that we use every night!! We cook chicken in it, onions, carrots, all the healthy foods and vegetables we cook in it. I cook broccoli in it and cauliflower. It tastes delicious. It is worth the investment. My husband always had 2nd or 3rd helpings at dinner and snacked a lot throughout the day. We both cut out all snacking and sugary foods. We limit ourselves to ONE serving at dinner and that’s it. We snack a little bit before bedtime but it’s having cheese and crackers, or animal crackers, or triskets. Plus we drink a lot of water. No more sugary drinks. The weight just fell off. We just started going back to the gym last week since we are fully vaccinated. I hope this helps.
HOW are you doing the diet and exercise in covid? I ask because I've gained 10 pounds that I really need to take off. I find being so depressed has led to me not feeling like doing too much of anything (but eating ice cream, also I love to bake which is a problem). Tho I realize exercise would definitely help with that. I'm going to buy a rowing machine this week that I'm pretty excited about actually - I really miss being able to go to the gym and I've always liked rowing. Plus I bought some hand weights I've been using sporadically, they really seem to help with the ADHD "brain fog" among other things.
Piper: "I've been talking about the need for a hired companion on this board for awhile now. Yet I have not had the talk with her. I blamed covid, but in reality I'm also a coward and dread her rage and anger more than anything in this world. She has no idea how much hinges on her willingness to hire a companion. But whose fault is it that she doesn't know-- mine. Who needs to change it? Me."
You can do this. I'm also super cowed by my mom as well as my larger family dynamic - my mother had nine (!) siblings and we have a huge very enmeshed family network, plus we've lived in this same area for generations so even our second and third cousins are around. Everyone talks behind each others backs constantly and nothing any of the cousins do is seen as good enough for our aunts - if I let myself think too much about it I'd completely lose my mind.
All I have to offer is, same as I'm learning to deal with losing so many fun things to covid: One day at a time. Focus on what's right in front of you and what YOU want, right now, today and the future will take care of itself. That said I still think your sister should be picking up a lot more of the slack. She definitely will need to help pay for your mom's new hired help. Great news about your brother's diagnosis not being worst case, also. 👍👍
Lea: "I HATE staying at other people's homes, I don't care WHO they are! I much prefer a nice hotel room myself. That said, when/if my step children come to visit, I will insist they stay in a hotel *and probably wind up paying for it myself* ....they destroy my house when they do come & I won't put up with it anymore...
"I will stop calling over there. If she wants to talk, she can call ME and I can choose to answer or let it go to voice mail. I have a ton of compassion fatigue myself these days, although not like yours EP b/c my NM is living in a MC facility but she lives WAY TOO MUCH IN MY HEAD b/c I allow it. That's gotta change PRONTO."
Actually sounds to me like you're doing a pretty good job vis a vis the boundaries. Love the idea of getting the stepkids to stay in a hotel. I love them too. Trying to decide if I'm willing to risk staying in a hotel for a short beach trip for my birthday in a couple of weeks, DH and I have both had both our shots so it'll probably be OK. That said I'm not wanting to use public restrooms yet so the jury is still out a little.
Great news on DH's liver issues, glad to hear nothing really serious is going on right ATM tho the NM roller coaster has got to be stressful. Be sure to update after you go over Sunday.
Chris: "The biggest shock was actually realising it wasn’t me, it was her! (after years of being told everything was my fault and that I was deficient in so many ways). I have also found, like you, that the experiences of other posters on this site absolutely mirror my own, and this has given me the strength I need to stand up to my NM and to stay firm about the boundaries I’ve now been able to set as a result of this learning."
This board kicks a**. A couple times yesterday while talking to nmom I caught myself thinking about what you all would say about certain things she said. A lot was still the same - too much focus on death, dying, illness and other negative subjects - but miracle of miracles she actually seemed to understand *why* I've taken a big step back and has hired someone to help clean her house out! Plus she wants to stay in her own area as opposed to moving to mine - I just about fainted of shock.
At one point we were talking about my aunt who is also super negative and self absorbed and she seemed to understand why I have stepped back there too - I actually got to say that I don't have much mental energy lately, how much it hurt that nobody in our family seemed to much care that DH was out of work for so long etc. and that I'm tired of being seen as effectively a bottomless resource.
Seriously, I am super shocked. I figured I'd get an earful of how selfish I am, how put upon and pitiful she is and bla bla bla. I'm sure there'll be flashes of that going forward but so far so good on enforcing the boundaries. I think I've successfully sent the signal that I'll be around for calls a couple times a week or true emergencies but the idea of me being available at all times as an emotional support committee is going to have to stop.
Thankfully nmom does have some self awareness, as jacked up as things can sometimes appear between us. She has a bunch of friends and I have effectively some adopted brothers and sisters, which it appears mother is willing to call upon.
I have my good days and my bad days. But you are right, I will get through it. Sometimes I have to take it one day at a time.
You’re going to make it through this difficult time.
I have complete faith in you.
I know what you mean how our mothers are STUCK IN OUR HEADS!! My mother died Oct 31st and she is starting to FINALLY get OUT of my head now after 6 months since she deceased. I find that me going on a diet, exercising, going back to the gym, writing down my thoughts, talking on here, talking to my therapist, going to work, ALL HELPS. As the saying goes, TIME heals all wounds. Unfortunately, when the wounds are still in our HEAD, it takes a lot longer to HEAL. Hugs to you. I know what you are going through. I hope these tips will help you when she gets stuck in your head.
Wouldn’t you think that your mom would qualify for hospice?
It’s sad, really. Your mom has numerous health issues! What else are they looking for?
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother in law.
Many hugs!
So she called me 3x yesterday, filled with aggravation and anger, to have a big pity party for herself saying she's the 'family stranger' and other assorted nonsense, back to her OLD former self before the 2nd Cymbalta fiasco. So yes EP, you are right: she goes 'downhill' then rallies, like a miracle, and so we go, up and down like yo-yo's, waiting for a REAL crisis to hit, which never seems to happen. Just more fabricated stories for MY sake. And yes, I think she spitefully doesn't answer the phone just to get me worried. Meaning, I will stop calling over there. If she wants to talk, she can call ME and I can choose to answer or let it go to voice mail. I have a ton of compassion fatigue myself these days, although not like yours EP b/c my NM is living in a MC facility but she lives WAY TOO MUCH IN MY HEAD b/c I allow it. That's gotta change PRONTO.
You are right about waiting for your NM to be judged incompetent. These women can Play The Game so well that it can wind up taking 10 more years for your NM to be judged incompetent! Plus, they live to be 100. You are best off making plans for yourself and for her care NOW w/o waiting for any declarations of anything by anybody. Declare YOURSELF fed up with all the BS and make your decisions accordingly. I feel for you, deeply, I really do. I like Chris's idea about moving away. Far far away. What is stopping you? If you are able to do so, DO IT.
Hiring a companion sounds all fine & well, but the bottom line is.............NM is still THERE, on your property, 200 feet away, demanding your time & attention! PLUS she's likely to be even MORE intolerable b/c now she's being 'forced' into having a hired companion when, in her twisted mind, it 'should be' YOU who 'should' want to do it all the time for free! Right? That would be my NMs twisted thinking 100%..........she says it now, that I should WANT her to live with me, etc., never taking her mobility/incontinence issues into consideration at all. Never mind MY life and MY marriage, etc. That's how they roll.
Whatever is happening I hope you get some answers this morning. Do you think she actually heard your calls last night and just didn't want to answer for whatever reason? My mom will get into modes where she just doesn't answer her phone. In your case at least you have the peace of mind that if something was really wrong the MC would call you. Let us know what they say when you call to check on things.
Something is changing in me with my NM, and I can't quite explain what it is, really, but I feel some kind of significant shift. Maybe it's extreme compassion fatigue? I spent several hours with her yesterday - first I brought the food supplies over to my place and cooked over here so she came here to eat - it's just easier for me to cook in my own kitchen. When she came over she had her new laptop in tow so I knew she couldn't work the thing. So after dinner I went back with her and got the basics set up. She's yapping away while I'm doing it, and some of the stuff she said I knew to be flat out false, and I didn't correct, or even say much. I just didn't care. I care less and less about her complaints.
My son wants to plan a trip here with his dad & his dad's girlfriend of many years 25+, they are finally tying the knot and want a beach wedding. Last night when we were talking about it I got so excited to help them. They can stay with us to save money- actually all those details don't matter. The one that does matter is after we all hung up my excitement faded when I realized the black cloud AKA my NM will be around and will expect attention from us, and to somehow be a part of things. I'm just so sick of her sucking the joy out of my life. I want my OWN life back so bad.
I'm tired of all the mental work I have to do to maintain boundaries, dealing with triggers, dealing with her PERIOD. I've come to hate living in Florida, and want to move. We've been here close to ten years. In June it will be 4 years that we closed on her place. I think back to how much I loved it here those first 5 years. I felt content and happy. Contrast to now, I'm miserable, I think I've lost half my hair due to stress and have aged so much the last 4 years.
I'm not going to be able to wait until some judge deems her incompetent. This board has shown me this can drag out for many years and I can't do it.
I've been talking about the need for a hired companion on this board for awhile now. Yet I have not had the talk with her. I blamed covid, but in reality I'm also a coward and dread her rage and anger more than anything in this world. She has no idea how much hinges on her willingness to hire a companion. But whose fault is it that she doesn't know-- mine. Who needs to change it? Me.
I wonder how Hellebore's day went yesterday. Hope you're okay Hellebore!!
We already know DH had a cancerous tumor in his liver that was successfully ablated; CT scans every 3 months will be checking for more; if more pop up, more ablations will happen as needed. The biopsy of his liver was to see what condition his liver is in overall (with the cirrhosis present) and to see if they could find a reason for it, and to determine if a transplant could happen if/when the time comes. That consult is on the 28th b/c there's really nothing urgent about it.
Chris, my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear MIL. Glad her passing was peaceful, at least.
Jodi, it's rude that you're being made to stay in a hotel while others can stay at your step-kids' home, but on the other hand, it's a vacation! I HATE staying at other people's homes, I don't care WHO they are! I much prefer a nice hotel room myself. That said, when/if my step children come to visit, I will insist they stay in a hotel *and probably wind up paying for it myself* b/c they have too many kids and I don't have the room here for all of them. Plus they destroy my house when they do come & I won't put up with it anymore *the parents don't care how their kids act* I've watched them break my things while the mother stood by not really giving a hoot, and I don't roll like that. Disrespect is disrespect.
My NM is going downhill again methinks. She called here and left a message yesterday while I was at work. I called her back; no answer/voicemail off as usual. She called at 6 pm and let it ring once; I called her back immediately; no answer. I called back 4x and NO ANSWER all evening long. I did get her this morning and she was out of it, saying she was in bad pain *her legs/neuropathy* and didn't answer the phone last night b/c she 'was lying in bed' which makes no sense. So I'm not sure wth is going on over there and I may call the nurse to find out later today. We have a standing appt to visit on Sundays at 2 pm, so that's another chance to see what's happening. It's just become nearly impossible to get her on the phone these days & when I do, she's pretty out of it.
Anyway, we're off to do some shopping today so I'll check in later. I'm very glad for the good news here today, but sorry for the sad news on Chris's end.
I think it's a great idea to go do some things after dropping your son off. Definitely take some time. Lots of it. When you make that call to NM, keep it short and neutral sounding. That seems to be a good way to keep their drama down.
Then forget about her. She has others to look after her. Just focus on you and DH. Sending you love and hugs.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but my dear MIL died earlier this morning - as many of you know she had been ill for a couple of months, and in a hospice for the past 4 weeks. Her death is not unexpected, but we feel such sorrow at the end of an era and of that generation in my DH’s family. Thankfully she was in no pain and died peacefully in her sleep, which is how we would all like to go. It is a beautiful day here and when someone dies I always wonder how it is that life goes on when we are facing such a loss. Thankfully my DH is surrounded by people who love him so we are giving him the kindness he needs right now.
We had just received the bad news this morning when my NM phoned our landline in the house. She is the only person who does this, everyone else calls my mobile, so I let it go to answerphone while my DH and son were having a few minutes together. When I picked up the message it was the usual mildly hysterical fussing about when I was next going over “to see her”. Whilst she wouldn’t have known my MIL had just passed away, she was fully aware that she was very, very ill and dying, and that the bad news could come at any time. I’m assuming that’s why the neediness has just ramped up, as it has in the past during these situations.
I haven’t returned her call yet. I need to collect my thoughts. I’ve been going over weekly to drop off more of her stuff, but there is very little left to take over there now. I don’t plan on weekly visits when there is nothing to take over. I will go when I feel like it, and certainly not just to see her, as there is no pleasure in her presence.
Our son goes back to Uni on Saturday, and now that restrictions have been eased somewhat, I’m thinking of going along too, so that DH and I can spend a quality afternoon away from our usual places when we’ve dropped DS off. It might be good for my DH to do this. That, coupled with several large garden jobs we have planned for Sunday, leaves little time to see my NM, so I’m thinking of putting back any visit until sometime next week.
Shell, you asked how I knew the problem was my mother’s and not mine. The answer is, I didn’t! I’m sure I looked up something like “mother doesn’t seem to care about me” or “mother doesn’t seem interested in me” or “difficult relationship with mother” and these led me to a lot of information online about narcissism. The biggest shock was actually realising it wasn’t me, it was her! (after years of being told everything was my fault and that I was deficient in so many ways). I have also found, like you, that the experiences of other posters on this site absolutely mirror my own, and this has given me the strength I need to stand up to my NM and to stay firm about the boundaries I’ve now been able to set as a result of this learning.
Putting this learning into action, I’m going to phone my NM and tell her I won’t be seeing her until next week.
Not ready? What does that mean? Well I hope it goes better than expected, and you enjoy the hotel. At least having your own space to go back to will give you a break if things feel weird at their house. If she lets the mom stay but not you and DH maybe she is having some kind of issue with DH? Ex-wives have been known to pull crap like bad talking the ex. I hope that's not happening here.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Also I wanted to chime in on the birthday gift ideas- food. Make it or buy it, food always seems to work. I don't buy cards anymore. My mom thinks I'm just cheap, or something, when the truth is the words in cards for Mother's Day (that's the worst!) and Mom's birthday are always so opposite of how I actually feel I just don't buy any.
The results of my DH's lymph biopsy were clear! They called late Tuesday afternoon. I can't even describe the relief I felt. For the first time ever in my life I cried actual tears of relief and joy. I know DH was relieved too even though he tried to play it cool while we waited.
We still hadn't seen NM. She got back Mon eve and I just put her off. DH was still feeling sore and tired too. I just didn't care about what she was doing at all. I made sure she had the necessities in her refrigerator before she got back, and left it at that. So by Tues eve we went over to give her the news and have a SHORT visit. It went like I thought, she acknowledged the good news for about 2 minutes, and then on to talking about herself. After about a half hour DH gave me the "look" that he was ready to leave so we did.
My brother also got some good news. He still has to have the radical prostatectomy but one side of nerves can/will be left in tact so in time he will be able to have sex again, and there is no evidence of spread beyond the local area, which was huge. So..... lots of good news compared to where we were 2 weeks ago, and I am very thankful.
Jodi, so glad you are in the clear too! Seriously screw cancer! I'm happy for you. Now we just need Lea's DH to get his all clear. 28th right? Lea why so long? (if you don't mind sharing) Maybe because they got all the tumor with the shot?
Okay Hellebore- I'm sending you positive vibes and strength, because I know right now you are feeling "the dread" -- that intense, anxiety provoking absolute dread we feel when knowing we have to interact with these narcs. Hopefully it's short lived and no extra drama. Get your stuff- and then out of there!
Maybe this 2 months was a little wake up call for her that you aren't going to tolerate anymore BS. That YOU are perfectly fine with no contact for 2 months.
So my mom is already trying to attach like a barnacle again. Yesterday morning she texts me- I'm making spaghetti so I hope you two want some"... but DH and I already made plans to go to lunch together and resume our Wednesday "date day" - so I said "No thanks, we're going to mug club Wednesday". This is a boundary I've kept with her since the day she moved here, and she doesn't like it- that when DH and I go to this Irish Pub for lunch she is off limits. That was our first time going in over a year, but we are finally vaccinated and could go. DH didn't last long but we both felt so good getting out for a change! Anyway- NM texts back exact words- "Okay so tomorrow then".
First of all she can't cook anymore so it's always an ordeal. This is her new thing since I reduced the amount of days I have her over for dinner, now she buys food that is suited for a group of people and expects that we will join in. As you can see she doesn't ASK.... it's just - so tomorrow then.
Barely back 3 days and already I have to push back on her never-ending neediness. I knew it would happen too.
Okay Hellebore, let us know how it goes today. Stay strong!
Hugs to all of you ladies, you all helped me get through a really scary time and I appreciate you all very much ❤
I have to go to nmom's in a few hours. Pray for me. :)
Totally not looking forward to it!!
This is the only one of our kids that feels entitled to everything that her Dad owns.
We had to book a hotel because she's not ready for us to stay in her house. They've been there for 6 months and her mother stays with them when she comes.
Just asking for prayers and positive energy from all of you !
God bless !
I hate those dreams that you can't see the faces. I don't get them a lot, but it will drive me nuts all day wondering who the person was. Maybe my dad is trying to tell me something or maybe it's just a dream.
Xray,
Great news!!!🙃 It is great that your Aunt is doing good in her facility.
Lea,
But don't you feel better after attacking (cleaning) something? LOL!! I do! I usually do yard work or kick the bag around and it releases so much stress! We have to releases the pressure some how...right?
Chris,
I am wondering how did you know that it was your NM that had the problem and not you? The reason I ask is because I never saw my NM as being selfish until the last five yrs. Even then, I thought it was dementia until I came on this thread and read your's, Xray's, Lea's post and it was like you all took pieces of my life and wrote about it. Lea is the one who helped me realize that it wasn't just dementia but NPD. She helped me to see the ugly truth. By the way, you nailed it, it is devastating to realize that the one person who is supposed to love you more than life doesn't care one bit about you. I don't know how many times I wanted to throw up every time I read something about NPD or just thinking about what my NM has done to me & my family. I really thought my NM & mine relationship problems was because of me...I feel like I am stupid for not realizing it was her and not me!
Hellebore,
I feel the same way. I catch my dad's sense or I can feel him with me or he helps guide me some how! It's not out of the scope! I once heard my dad say, "I'm sorry" and the weird thing is it happened shortly after I learned what my mother was and I was so hurt and depressed that I really thought life wasn't worth living. But hearing my dad say that helped me to know he now knows the truth and the pain I went through and am going through. Just like I keep seeing a black shadow. I really feel like I am going crazy. Our house is haunted and it always was for as long as I can remember, but now it is really active and not in a good way either! Most people don't believe me until they stay the night then they see and hear it for themselves. It is just crazy!!!
I am picking up more positivity from many of the usual posters here at the moment, which is really great news. Maybe it’s a combination of becoming “more aware of the nature of the beast”, ie the NM behaviour, and possibly also the joys of the Spring season?
Keep smiling all!
My Aunt has always been the most important woman in my life!
I spent many summers with my Aunt and Uncle.
Although it's been a drain on me, I feel blessed that I have been appointed to care for her!
I've been told by the staff at her MC, that she is always smiling and helping other residents.
She still wants to go home, but I am confident that I made the right decision. ☺
CHEERS!!!!
Enjoy!!
Have a pint for me!!
When I call my NM, I wait until I am putting on my makeup in the morning.
May seem silly, but I can concentrate more on my face and less on the spew of negativity!
OMG!!
Does that mean I am a narcissist?? Lol
Speaking of boring, I'm so tired of the same complaints over and over. I'm sorry she didn't save any money and now not having any is causing problems; I'm sorry she's old and has health problems; I'm sorry her personality disorder has meant she can't easily have relationships with people and is lonely. But the health problems I really can't do anything about and the other problems require sacrifices I'm not willing to make, i.e. giving her a ton of money or spending time all my free time with her at the expense of things I need to do for me and DH. So we'll just muddle along I suppose.
I do think the gift card idea may be a winner. I don't want to convey the idea that I don't care, but I also don't wish to send the message I'm going to go to a ton of trouble to send a gift since I am trying to roll back on the expectations. So something that was a little effort but not too much may hit on the proper tone. Thanks for the input all!
Sorry you had to make the extra trip Jodi. Wonder why your nmom didn't expect you since you told her what time?
Oh, and - edit, was just talking to a friend on social media who had posted things about doing activities with kids so they'll remember you fondly. Unfortunately nmom has taken to justifying unpleasant behavior by telling everyone how much we'll miss her someday. It occurred to me that what this really is, is mother no longer caring how behavior affects us because she won't be here. Guess it beats telling her what I'm thinking which is that I may not miss her as much as she thinks!! Honestly it boggles my mind the ways she thinks of to put herself first....