Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
That's a tough one!
I typically do gift cards, because anything I buy for her, she complains about. Good luck with picking the perfect birthday card! Lol. I know you totally understand!!😘
Yesterday mom asked me to print out 1040s, get her a book of stamps and $60.00 dollars from her account.
I told her what time I would be there today.
I make the 30 minute drive only to find out that the ALFs phone is out and no one will come to the front door.
I tried calling Mom, but she didn't answer. I tried several times to no avail.
So I made the drive back. Not entirely moms fault, but still frustrating!! Ugh!!
Cupcakes sound great!
For your NMs bday..........hmm. Cupcakes sound like a good idea. We're open to dine indoors here, but NM is wheelchair bound & we can't get her in/out of the car anymore, so those days are over. I like the gift card idea and the cupcakes and call it a day. What's the diff, really, since it likely won't be 'good enough' anyway? Do what feels right to YOU and let it go at that. My NM apparently wasn't 'speaking to me' last night b/c when I called over there at 8 pm, the CG answered the phone (knowing it was me b/c she said "Hi Lea") and said she had just put my mother down for the night & she was 'sleeping'; I said 'hmmm, ok, is she alright? To which the CG said Yes, she's just had a very long day. NM NEVER ever goes to sleep at 8 pm, so she must be mad at me again, what else is new? I won't be calling over there again; I'll just wait till she calls me. Who really cares? DH said, "Oh I see your mother has her flying monkeys doing her dirty work again, eh?" LOL. He knows the drill after 10 years.
YAY Jodi!! Such wonderful news. Nothing like getting a clean bill of health, or clean-ish in any event. Life is Good is my favorite brand, too. <3
So, I talked to nmom for an hour yesterday after not doing that for over two months. She was on best behavior and I had my guard up to my eyeballs. It actually sort of went OK - we've been through this before in which she does something rotten to me and I step back to defend myself but now of course the stakes are higher since she wants me to take charge of her care. I plan to maintain the distance - I don't mind talking to her once or twice a week and I'll show up if there's truly a disaster, but I need to remove myself from being the resource of first resort where she thinks I'm the person to call and whine to about all her problems for at least an hour a day. For starters I have realized I just really hate sitting on the phone. I'm an active person and if she wants to talk to me she can come over here and sit in a chair while I'm weeding the rose garden.
I ought to be OK going over there to get the rest of my stuff on Thursday. Knowing her she'll wait until she thinks my guard is down to ask me some super loaded question tho so my job will be to make sure it's not ever down. It's both wonderful and terrible to realize she likely truly does have NPD - wonderful in that I can stop taking things so personally and terrible because the self-centered behavior likely is never going to improve.
One question: What should I do for her birthday coming up in about ten days? I think I'll send a card with a $50 gift card to her favorite department store - I really don't mind offering a meal with me and DH either since we've all had our covid shots but I'm not sure who's doing outdoor dining these days. I love to bake and thought about taking a cake over there but I'm not sure I want to set the bar that high, so I may just do cupcakes and take them to our next social group get together (she and I are both officers of a chapter of a local civic organization.)
What would y'all do?
Amen!!!
I just bought a T shirt with a cute logo on it.
"Happiness comes in Waves. Life is good "
Let's enjoy the ride!!🤗
Yesterday was a real day of celebration for us in England, as shops, leisure, pubs/cafes/restaurants were allowed to reopen, as long as any eating and drinking is done outdoors. I had to laugh, as we woke up to snow yesterday morning, but that didn’t deter people from queueing for shops, eateries, haircuts etc. Then the sun came out and it was a glorious Spring day. It was a day of pure joy. I don’t know how long this will last, but it was good for it not to be spoiled by NM behaviour. I made sure to enjoy it on my terms.
My aunt was so much fun! She always made me feel special too.
My uncle was the same. I suppose that they were my second set of parents.
They took me on vacation with them and everything.
As always. Thanks for your insight and kind words!!
I find it so incredibly sad that I actually worry more about my Aunt than I worry about my NM.
I do love my Mom, however, she makes it so hard for me to feel sympathy for her.
It gives me comfort to know that so many of you are going thru the same emotions!
I am so grateful for everyone who pours their heart out here on this thread!!
All of the insight helps me to know that I am not alone!!
I hope our newcomers will see that they are not alone as well!😘
I used to want to live with my aunt and uncle when I was a kid too.
My mom’s sister was a lovely lady and she married my dad’s brother who was equally as nice.
So they were sisters and sister in laws and brothers and brother in laws.
So, that made my cousins, double first cousins! Wild, huh?
I loved my parents but things were very confusing at times in my home.
Things were peaceful at my aunt’s house. So, yeah I spent lots of weekends and summers there.
Sadly, my aunt and uncle died very young. He had cancer and she died from kidney disease. My parents took in my cousins.
Life is full of surprises, isn’t it?
I believe that our deceased loved ones send us signs!
My grandmother always had hundreds of hummingbirds at her house while I was growing up.
I used to sit on her patio for hours watching them.
I tried for 3 years in Colorado to get hummingbirds. Nothing!!
One year, as I was on a step ladder hanging a hummingbird feeder, I was talking to my deceased grandmother in my head. Praying (if you will), that she would send me a hummingbird.
I kid you not!! I still had the feeder in my hand when up flew my first hummingbird!!
So I will forever think of my grandmother when the hummingbirds return to my house!
At our new home, I have 4 feeders that I have to refill every few days!!
It makes me happy!!
Trying to play catch up, but my brain is just totally fried today!
I think (if it goes thru) settling the Morgan Stanley account is the last piece of my deceased Uncles finances.
It's taken me 18 months of very intensive work to get my Aunt all that she is entitled to.
Went to visit NM on Friday.
At one point I was digging my nails into my DHs leg.
I honestly can't remember exactly why. Maybe something about the rug I had dry cleaned that wasn't up to her standards . Or watching her pick thru her dinner (that she ordered), and listening to her complain about how horrible the food is.
I know I have said this before, but it still amazes me that my NM that is in her (again narcissistic ) right mind can be so unappreciative, while my Aunt with Alzheimer's can be so grateful!!
When I was a very young, I used to pray that God would make my Aunt and Uncle my parents!
How ironic is it that I have for all intents and purposes become my Aunts caregiver?
Sorry for the rhetorical question!
Just a thought, but would it be worthwhile to see if you could get a police escort?
That way NM can't make outrageous claims!
God bless!!
Yay! That is wonderful news. I am so very happy for you!
Looks like I'm in the clear for now!! Hallelujah!!
I may be able to go one year until my next colonoscopy!
I would like to say that I am stress free now, but the C word is kinda hanging over my head.
I've decided to just live my life and let the chips fall where they may! Life is good!!
Also, after 6 months of fighting with Morgan Stanley to close out my Uncle's account that had my Aunt as beneficiary, I finally made it happen today!!
Not a huge amount, but enough to pay for 5 months of MC!!
Feeling kinda proud!!
I'll take my victories where I can!!
You said it! That’s how the nuns taught us to pray it!
I do love Tony 😊.
something's lost & can't be found"
That's the 'prayer' to St Anthony NHWM! LOL. I lost my baby photo album and said that prayer around a zillion times but no luck :( I think it will turn up when we move out of this house & start packing up.
Love your stories about finding your lost items!! :)
I went to Catholic school my whole life and learned about the hierarchy of angels. I love angels too! I also loved learning about the saints.
I was extremely close to my mom’s mother. My grandmother always wore saint medals pinned to her slip. She never wore pants. She always wore dresses with a slip underneath. Anyway, St. Anthony was her favorite saint. So, I always had a love for him too.
I have so many stories of articles being returned to me. When I relayed these stories to my girls they said, “Mom, you have a direct line to St. Anthony and jokingly said, maybe you should set up something online and have people pay you to ask St. Anthony for their lost items!”
I laughed and told them that I always make a donation to St. Anthony when he helps me and I would never take the money for myself. The money would have to go to him for charity.
I do have people calling me all the time asking me to ask St. Anthony to find things for them. They call me back and tell me the item is found. I don’t charge money for my prayers to Tony, though!
I always tell people how wonderful Tony is and I am amazed at how many others love him.
People here in New Orleans love St. Anthony and St. Joseph.
Our St. Joseph alters are gorgeous on his feast day.
I love seeing the baked goods the best. I can cook but I don’t know how to do those fancy breads that are baked for the alter.
I believe in prayers to our ancestors like you do.
I see Cardinals when I think of my deceased mother in law. That was her favorite bird.
I find pennies all the time too.
I have a wedding ring story too.
When we vacationed in Florida we spent most of our time on the gulf but occasionally went to the bay to rent a boat for the day.
We left the bay to go back to the hotel to shower get dressed for the 4:00 vigil Mass on Saturday.
We were driving to church and I noticed that my husband wasn’t wearing his wedding band.
I asked my husband if he forgot his ring in our room. He said, “I don’t think so because I had it on earlier when we rented the boat and I didn’t take it off before showering.”
So, I asked him to stop at the boat rental. We left early for mass and we had to pass by the boat rental anyway.
He says, “Honey, I will buy a new ring.” I say, “I married you in THAT ring and I already said a prayer to St. Anthony for your ring.” He says, “Oh, there you go with your St. Anthony again!” I said, “Yes, here I go again because St. Anthony has always been very good to me!”
So, we stop at the boat rental. I ran up to the worker and asked if anyone turned in a gold wedding band. The worker said, “Lady, I am so sorry but no one has turned in a ring.” So, I said, “Do you have a fishnet? He says, “I do, but why do you want that?” So, I told him that I said a prayer to St. Anthony for my husband’s wedding ring.
The worker looked at me like I had two heads! 😂 LOL
Anyway, I walked over to where our boat was docked and stood about where we got onto the boat and started scooping sand in the net while my husband and this worker were looking at me like I was out of my mind.
Finally, the worker says to me, “Lady, you’re crazy! You are not going to find a ring in the sand.” I looked him dead in his eyes and said, “Oh, yes I will. I told you that I asked St. Anthony for it and he never lets me down.” Well, on the third scoop, up came the ring!
The worker says to me, “Lady, I am not Catholic but please tell me about your St. Anthony.” I said, “Isn’t it obvious? He is the patron saint of lost articles!”
My husband said to me, “Why does Saint Anthony always answer your requests?” I told him because I believe and am grateful.
Another time on vacation in Williamsburg, Va. I did something foolish. I put a wad of money in my pocket.
I lost it! I was so upset. Again, I asked St. Anthony. I told my husband that there must be a ‘lost and found’ and I was going to get my money.
My husband says, “Honey, I know that you love St. Anthony but and he has been good to you but no one turns in cash and you don’t even know if there is a lost and found.”
Well, I found the ‘lost and found’ with my cash and a note with the exact spot that I lost my cash! My husband said after that, “Okay, St. Anthony loves you!”
I lost a gold watch at the gym that my husband gave me. I was crying 😭.
I went home after working out and told my husband. He said, “I am very sorry that you lost your watch. Maybe we can replace it later.”
I said, “I don’t know why St. Anthony didn’t return my watch to me. He knows that I appreciate him. He knows that I believe.”
Anyway, I went to bed upset but told my husband that maybe St. Anthony wanted me to learn the virtue of patience and so I would wait until the next day for my watch.
I hear my husband say facetiously under his breath, “Yeah, honey...that must be it.” I ignored his remark.
So, the next day I go back to the gym.
I went to the front desk, no watch. I asked at the bar where I got water, no watch. I kept thinking and thinking what was I forgetting?
So, I asked in housekeeping. The housekeeper says to me, “Describe your watch.” I tell her that it is a silver and gold, Raymond Weil watch and is very special to me and that I had four links removed because watches are always too big for me but it was still a little loose and must have slipped off and I didn’t notice that it had dropped off.
She came out with an envelope that had my watch!
This was around Christmas. I went and bought the housekeeper a card and filled it with cash.
"And again, it took food away from US to bring her that 'tiny' bowl which wasn't tiny at ALL. So there you have it. Same sh*t different day."
Yep. I just about lost it when nmom told me last December like it was some big revelation that DH and I will get old someday soon. Like, us needing to plan for our retirement had not crossed her mind at all. Yet the list of what she expects us to do for her is as long as your arm. It's mindboggling. Glad your kids got to ride scooters and go for sushi, I sure miss restaurants tho it was a beautiful day here so I could have gotten my bike out. Maybe tomorrow but I have a lot of gardening to do.
Loving nmoms asking to be called Goddess. Don't know how the daughter didn't die laughing!
And no, the food is fine at the MC. NM never feels lucky or grateful for ANYTHING.
Ty for the prayers 😚
We hear, meme, memaw, grandma, mama, etc...
BUT GODDESS!!!
I asked her what was the name of the movie but she had seen it years earlier and couldn’t remember.
I would love to know what the movie was.
Praying for your husband.
Oh my gosh, the food cannot be that bad in your mom’s facility.
She’s lucky that you bring her home cooked food.
My friend’s daughter had a baby, her first grandchild, and she asked her mom, “Mom, what do you want your grandchild to call you?”
I about choked on my coffee when she told me what she told her daughter.
She said that she wanted her grandchild to call her Goddess! Her daughter told her that she would absolutely NOT allow her child to call her Goddess!
My friend says, “But I have pillows embroidered with Goddess on them and everything!” Her daughter said, “Mom, I don’t care about your embroidered pillows! There is no way my child will refer to you as Goddess!”
After I was able to speak again, I asked her where did she come up with Goddess? She told me that she saw it in a movie and thought it was cute! 😂 LOL
There are tons of variations on what grandmothers are called but I never heard Goddess before. Too funny!
No word on DH's liver biopsy yet; not till the 28th; it's expected to show why he has non alcoholic cirrhosis. I'm sure it's b/c he had fatty liver and did nothing about it, and it's morphed INTO mild cirrhosis now. That's another whole story anyway. He gets another CT scan end of May to see if the tumor grew back, but nothing till then.
EP: it takes all of us a long time to get it thru our thicker than thick skulls about our NMs. Today we went to see mine at the MC and I brought her a Mexican stuffed pepper I made a few days ago. I purposely did NOT eat one last night and saved it for her b/c she's obsessed with food, hates the food at the MC and yada yada. Today, when I was leaving & told her not to forget about the pepper tonight, she ROLLED HER EYES and sighed. How do you spell NEVER AGAIN? I told DH, never again will I bring the woman food. It's like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football. Every. Single. Time. She can eat crusts of bread from now on for all I care. Not that they serve that at the MC, they surely do NOT. I'm just saying; she can complain till the cows come home but I will not bring her one more homemade piece of food. The week before, I brought her homemade chili and she said 'it was such a TINY bowl, barely enough to fill a cavity.' And again, it took food away from US to bring her that 'tiny' bowl which wasn't tiny at ALL. So there you have it. Same sh*t different day.
EP: When is your NM coming home? Rolling my eyes in anticipation of that blessed event. And what is a radical prostatectomy? I never heard of that. Sending prayers for both your DH and your brother.
I think when REAL problems crop up in life, it makes us WAY less tolerant of the NM BS b/c that's what it all IS: PURE B.S. Nonsense and meaningless selfishness that is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. When something horrible happens, it SO underlines the PETTY crap our NMs are carrying on about!!!!!!!! It makes me 100% intolerant of ALL of my NMs behavior, and I can easily back off from it totally! As long as I'm in crisis mode, NM is off the table entirely and the MC can look after her and her chronic BS.
Went to babysit my grandson today for 4 hours. Daddy & mommy 'don't believe' in pacifiers but DO believe in letting an infant cry himself to sleep in his room alone in his crib! Isn't that special? Grandma went right into the kitchen to rustle up a nice clean NIPPLE from the counter to put into the poor thing's mouth when he was getting upset & fussy and guess what? He calmed down IMMEDIATELY once he could comfort himself with the sucking motion! DUH. We had a grand time, he and I *and grandpa* and look forward to many more babysitting dates. Esp at our house when he gets a bit older since you can't even walk around in his house for all the clutter everywhere. Shhhhhhh, don't tell them I said that HA!!! I love that little munchkin, he is so adorably sweet. Mom and dad were able to go riding their scooter & then have a sushi dinner alone for a change, and were very happy for the chance to have a break.
Yep, they absolutely add stress to others lives, especially the spouse and children, in my husband’s grandmother’s case, they had one daughter, so it all fell in her lap! My mother in law was the opposite of her mom! She was so sweet.
Stress is a killer. I think most people who are married to self centered individuals die long before the narcissists do!