Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
EP: How can you possibly take your NM to a 'check up' appointment on Fri, even if she finagles her way back to your place, after dealing with high anxiety and DH's procedure on Thurs? I'd cancel the thing if it were me. If NM comes home & throws a fit, TFB, that's my 2 cents on the subject. What's more important? You & DHs peace of mind & R&R after a CANCER procedure, or NMs routine CHECK UP at the doctor that's not even a vital necessity?

Sending you a TON of prayers for calm & strength as you both go thru the next couple of days of hospitals and procedures. I always take rosary beads with me, and/or wear a bracelet I have which is a cross with a piece of Jesus's something-or-other inside of it (I can't remember at the moment), and it makes me feel more protected, like God is with me, even though I know He's already with me, whether I wear/bring those things or not. I wish we could post photos here; I'd post a photo of the bracelet I wear with the see-through compartment on it; it's quite a neat piece! :)

Jodi, hope all is well with you and that our prayers were answered this morning with your colonoscopy. Oh, and that you ate a hearty breakfast.

Beatty; I'm calling it the Quarantine Fifteen :( UGH. Boredom = Overeating and Snacking, doesn't it.

Moody, good for YOU leaving after all the negativity from NM. What they don't realize or don't care about is the effect all that toxicity has on US for days afterward. They have a way of making US feel responsible FOR their misery, which is nonsense, b/c they're miserable WHEREVER they live, even if it were in the Palace of Versailles. I often say (and DH repeats it) that if NM were to live there, she'd complain the gold was tarnished. We can't fix them, but we CAN leave when the complaining gets unbearable.
(6)
Report

cxmoody,

Ahhhh, so refreshing to see someone who knows their limitations.

I could have saved myself tons of misery if I had been better at knowing my limits.
(5)
Report

Piper,
Praying for your husband’s procedure, and for your heart!

Thanks to all for your wisdom. I appreciate it so much. You all might not know it, but you all have helped me not to go under.

Today, I went to visit my mother, but left after 5 minutes. I couldn’t take the complaining. The unending negativity does me in. Uggggh.

Thanks again for sharing all that you do.
(4)
Report

Piper,

You are absolutely correct to focus on what is most important for you and your husband.

You know that your mom will survive without your attention during this time.

Wishing you and your husband all the best.

Please keep us posted on how he is doing. We care.
(2)
Report

Hope Jodi is doing okay with her colonoscopy and enjoying a great breakfast.

Just found out DH has to go to the hospital tomorrow for a covid test, then be at the hospital Thursday at 6:15AM. They will be injecting dye and then surgery after a 2 hour wait for the dye to circulate. This hospital is 45 minutes away and we’ve never been there so I don’t mind the test run tomorrow so I’ll be familiar Thursday.

My mom’s primary care is trying to confirm an appointment she has for Friday for a physical/check up. I’m not yet sure of my mom’s plans, so I didn’t cancel it because if she forces her way back here she will rage if I cancel it as I suspect this could be her excuse to come back sooner.

My anxiety is so high over DH I don’t even want to make contact to ask about her plans. I don’t want to deal with her at all!
(5)
Report

Good luck Jodi,
I put on about the same amount - my pandemic padding. I decided in Dec it just had to go. Slowly slowly it is. Not going without, just smaller (bought mini hot cross buns & a smaller choccy bunny).
(2)
Report

Thanks Llama,

Prep is tough on the bum, but great for the diet! Lol

Slowly working on getting rid of the Covid 19(lbs)🤣
(4)
Report

Jodi: Good luck. The prep is the worst.
(2)
Report

Lea,

Yes, it's Billy Joel!! Love that song!

I think perhaps I may start writing down all my NM ailments (even the ones she miraculously has shortly after I have a medical issue. Lol).

Miralax is the drink of the day!!
Along with 2 fleets . One tonight, and one in the morning.

I can't wait to go out to breakfast!! I'm hungry!! Lol🥞🥓🍚
(3)
Report

Hellebore, my DH has told me for the past 5 years to keep a LIST of all my NMs ailments & issues so I could keep track of the lies and ALL of it. I never did do it, though. If I had, there would be a VOLUME by now! Volume I and II at least. If it wasn't for her 100% negative attitude, she'd have nothing. I swear I have PTSD from dealing with her crap daily for the past 10 years (this time around). We're DUE for a trip to the ER soon, and at least another trip from the mobile dentistry unit which was $1000 last time to pull a WISDOM tooth. Yep; she had a wisdom tooth in her mouth at 93! When we were there yesterday, she said she was eating and 'pulled out a little baby tooth' while doing so. Sigh. It could have been a bone or any number of things. Besides, where would a 'little baby tooth' have come from in a 94 y/o mouth? :(

EP: Only the good die young. Isn't that what Billy Joel says? Methinks he's right. PITAs live well into their late 90s and 100s. My NM should have passed LONG ago already, with 70 falls under her belt and not ONE trip to the ER as a result! I just find that staggering. S T A G G E R I N G. My poor dad fell ONCE, broke his hip and cut his forehead open so that's when the brain tumor was diagnosed via MRI of his head, and he was gone 10 months later.

Jodi, are you 'cleansing' with Miralax or GoLightly? Kaiser recently got rid of GoLightly (Thank God) and switched to Miralax with Gatorade to drink (2- 64 oz bottles) b/c the other way was too hard on the body they discovered after DECADES of torturing everyone. Sending up lots of prayers for good results tomorrow.
(5)
Report

You ALL are seriously my heroes!!

God bless!!
(5)
Report

Hellebore,

Everyone here certainly supports you. Caregiving is not a job that is easily done alone.

Everyone needs help when caregiving, whether it’s facility care or home care.

It’s important to have a strong support system and equally important to protect yourself against emotional harm and burn out.

Wishing you well while on this journey.

Take care.
(3)
Report

Fingers crossed for all indeed Hellebore. It seems many of us are going through ongoing s***. I swear my son will never even remotely deal with this, no way.

Lea I agree with you that your mom is getting closer to end of life. Her domineering personality will probably be the last to go.

My mom casually mentioned a few years ago that “pains in the a** live to be 100” No words to describe what I was thinking.
(6)
Report

Jodi the prep is the worst, I hope you are “running clear” soon! Eat tons of jello, that helps a lot and even gummy bears are allowed on the clear liquid prep! I ate a bunch. Let us know how it goes, thinking of you. I’m sure you know this but the fact that you are on top of getting tested etc is a huge deal in colon cancer. I’m glad you are getting yourself checked out 💜
(5)
Report

Advice I'm seeing here has made me realize I have to do something too - I just can't keep this up by myself, especially with my mother and her sister both needing care and reinforcing each other with all sorts of negative self-talk. My cousins go see my aunt but nobody helps me with mother. My only sort-of sibling is my half-brother who's 8 years older - we haven't talked in 18 years but my mother has kept up a relationship with him and moved him into her house for a decade ending in about 2012, when he was close to 50. (I didn't step foot in the house that entire time - he has untreated BPD and is nasty and vicious, often. But he's not incapacitated, holds down a job and can d*** well do things for our mom.)

Since NPD makes one crave attention and praise, mom has been very involved in a number of volunteer projects for the last 20 years so she also has a lot of people in her neighborhood she can call to do chores and take her to the doctor. One thing I've really realized here - I need to put my foot down re: her moving to my side of town, because I don't have anyone to call to help with her over here.

I would definitely recommend journaling as Piper recommends. Helps me see threads that persist over time and get things straight in my head. Love having all y'all to bounce things off of as well.

Jodi: "We're supposed to do everything we can to make THEM happy!
The irony is that nothing has or ever will make them happy! It's kinda like being on a treadmill. You can run as hard as you can, but you never get anywhere!"

Nailed it. My mother is a bottomless pit of fear and anxiety and there is really nothing I can do about it. She needs more care than I can give and since I can't talk to her about it the only thing I can do is step back.

Will check in later for results of those with health procedures coming up. Fingers crossed for you all. xoxo
(4)
Report

Jodi, I'm sending you good wishes for tomorrow, and will be thinking of you.

NeedHelp, what you are describing is the overwhelming "burden of responsibility", where someone is totally reliant on you, whether this is through necessity or a deliberate choice on their part to saddle you with everything. How you describe it made perfect sense to me. I felt exactly the same way, 24/7, with no let up or respite. My last thoughts before sleeping and first on waking up were always related to this responsibility, for over 10 years!! There was never any release, so yes, this can be even more draining than the physical aspects of caregiving I think.

Lea, uncanny how our experiences with our NMs can be so similar. I'm sorry to hear she is declining, but do keep telling yourself it's not your fault and she is being cared for by proper health professionals. If she chooses to bat them away instead of letting them help her, that is up to her. Also remember that the best caregiver in the world cannot stop the natural process of aging and decline.
(4)
Report

Jodi,

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow and always.
(3)
Report

Lea,

Geeeeeez! Yeah, I definitely agree that it is too far gone.

Almighty God knows though that you absolutely truly tried your very best to maintain a sensible relationship with your mom. No one can ever deny that!

I totally agree about how a person should own it, geeeeez, at least sometimes.

I respect people who own what they have done in the past. We have all screwed up at times and I have owned whenever I have fallen short.

I think the difference is that some of us have a conscience or the ability to see our actions. Others have neither.

You have your whole family and this forum to back you up on your endless efforts, right?
(2)
Report

NHWM: aka gaslighting; nothing is ever their fault, so WE took THEIR words the 'wrong way' or better yet, they were 'just kidding'. Just take responsibility for something ONE TIME, is what I have to say! Too late now, though, mine is too far gone. We went over there yesterday to talk to her about 'the family not being able to take her in' but she's in another world; way beyond 'talk' now. She was more interested in knowing 'who' the cartoon face was on the picture of the gal wearing a mask that was sitting on the table (to indicate 'please wear a mask at all times'). sigh.
(4)
Report

Lea,

Don’t they always pull the ‘grass is greener’ crap?

Of course, they usually say, that they didn’t mean it the way their children take it.

Sorry, I don’t buy that for a minute! Many times they know exactly how they meant it.

My mom used to tell me that I took something the ‘wrong way’ and I would repeat it back word for word and say to her, “Mom, there isn’t any other way that I could have taken it!”

They think by telling us that we took something the wrong way is there ticket out!
(3)
Report

EP: Not so funny your NM texting you the photo of the 'perfect' table setting at your sister's house. Ditto to the LOLing your sister did at Best Buy, thinking your NMs behavior there was so amusing. Let's see how much LOLing she's doing in 6 months' time when SHE is full of compassion fatigue, eh? And your NM getting in a DIG from far away by sending that photo, comparing you to your sister? I'm with BarbBrooklyn on this one.

I'm glad you are having this much needed BREAK from your NM; it's really the only way to FEEL what it's like NOT to be entrenched in the nightmare 24/7. It's like I tell my DD all the time: you have to experience what you DO NOT want to know what you DO want in life. Right?

Jodi, sending 1000 prayers up for a good outcome to your colonoscopy tomorrow.

Shell, always great to hear your words of wisdom around here!

Chris, OMG your story about moving your NMs crap? My DH & I went thru this scenario SO MANY times, I could write a book! Same thing, too..........with NM holding court and directing our every move. Each time, DH would demand she be REMOVED from the scene entirely so we could get something ACCOMPLISHED w/o her getting in the middle of things & wreaking havoc! And again, the stories are ALL the same, aren't they? :(

Just got The Call from the MC; mom fell AGAIN this morning; this makes fall #70. No injury, of course; she was bending over yet again to put her shoes on and fell off the bed. By the time the bed alarm goes off, she's already on the floor. She will not pull the cord to ask for help, so there you have it. If the CG goes in to help her dress, she's 'not ready yet', and blah blah. When I told the nurse how SHOCKED I was at her decline yesterday during our visit, she said how glad she was that my mother recognized her today after a 2 week absence. Way to put an upbeat note on a negative subject or WHAT? I believe her CHF is ramping up big time, and the dementia has gotten much worse as well............can't really have a conversation with the woman at this point, and her breathing is labored. Ankles are quite swollen, too...........she looks terrible. I woke up this morning with a feeling of great anxiety...........it's probably the moment she tumbled off the bed. Like I said, every time the phone rings lately, it gives me a feeling of trauma. I'm sensing my NM is approaching the end of her life now, while it may not mean she has a matter of days left, I do not believe she will make it another year. One of these falls alone should wind up hurting her at some point requiring a trip to the ER, which we haven't had since May of 2019. One day at a time, right?
(3)
Report

Piper,

I don’t know if this is how you feel or not. It is how I used to feel.

Of course, I was tired physically when I was caring for my mom in my home or even before that after daddy died and she was still home. It’s hard to be the one that everyone expects you to do EVERYTHING!

When others help your mom, they will soon see what you went through.

I was emotionally exhausted from knowing that mom was fully dependent on me. I think in some ways that was more exhausting than the physical exhaustion. Does that make any sense?

Don’t you feel like you are completely worn out? You know, where you never feel refreshed because you have lived with being drained.

Did anyone else feel like I am describing?

Chris,

I hear a lot of wisdom in what you just wrote. I really do. I had to crawl my way out of the guilt cycle! It didn’t come easily for me. Thank goodness for my husband, this forum and my therapist!

Jodi,

My daughter is loving the Rockies. She seems very happy in Denver.

She has sent me a ton of pictures of her Husky playing in the snow. He’s a beautiful dog!
(2)
Report

Piper, yes, you DO have choices. No one HAS to have the skills to be a caregiver, not for anybody, so there's nothing you have to forgive yourself for either. I too have read some horror stories on this forum about the level and nature of care some posters have found themselves burdened with. Reading this stuff and not wanting to go through the same experiences myself was one of the factors in my decision to move mum out of our house, before things got to that stage here. I don't feel any guilt nor any need to forgive myself for anything. I know I will never burden my son in the way my mother has burdened me. Time to move forward with our own lives now and to refuse to allow our NMs to assume centre stage any more.
(2)
Report

Chris,

Congratulations!! Maybe now you can breathe!!
I honestly don't know how you did it!!
I think I would loose my mind if my Mom was in my home!!

EP,

Thank you for your kind words!!
I'll keep you posted!
Today is prep day. UGH!!
At least it's a great day to stay in.
Yesterday was 70 degrees and sunny!! Today it's cold and snowy!
Spring time in the Rockies!!🤪
(2)
Report

Chris- I'm so glad that you reminded yourself that you were driving AWAY from her and not having her in your home. But I still totally get how you wish to still limit your interaction. They are unpleasant to be around! I'm glad you ignored your mom's demands after moving all that furniture!

The sad reality with narcs is ultimately they reap what they sow. Rather than us wanting to be around them in old age, when they face things like isolation and loneliness, we just want to get away from them. So they get way less time and attention.

You are right in that being away from my mom has given me some clarity. More clarity that things need to change. I'm also glad you noticed that I've made some progress in trying to figure this out. It's been really hard, and taken me many months to just to realize I do have some choices here.

I at least know I have an end point. Sometimes when I read posts here in the main forum of what people are doing at home I get horrified. I don't know how they do it. I've accepted that I am not cut out for it and I've forgiven myself for it. My only goal is to get her moved into ALF MC as soon as I can. There is still a lot to do, and other priorities (my DH and his health), but I'm relieved to have my sister involved again.

Also, I haven't been journaling, but I did start a running document where I have been saving insightful advice I get here and using it as a road map. Not surprisingly I have a lot of posts from this thread in there! This group has helped me so much and I am so thankful for all of you.
(4)
Report

Piper, I know you sound stressed and burnt out at the moment, but I really do feel you are making progress in thinking out a plan to deal with your mother and involving your sister. While she is away, it is giving you the space for some clarity of thinking. I would get these thoughts written down while you can, so you don't lose hold of them for future discussions. I know what you mean about dreading your NM's return though - I always felt that way on the very occasional times my mother was away for the weekend. Talking of my NM, yesterday morning we moved the rest of her furniture into her place, as we've been unable to do this due to Covid restrictions, until now. It was quite a complicated operation, as we had to do things in a certain order, and also measure up various spaces at the same time. I'd put together a big list of what we needed to do, in order, so the whole thing would run smoothly. Despite this, we had to put up with mother's constant yapping, fussing, getting in the way and coming out with various unnecessary demands whilst we were trying to hump heavy furniture around. Every time we stopped to get our breath back, off she would start again. At one point we'd just set down a piece of heavy furniture in the middle of the room whilst we moved something else out of the way. When we turned back to move it she'd just stuck a load of boxes of rubbish on top of it! Absolutely maddening, pointless and involving more work to move them again. Then she wanted to parade us around the house, showing us off to the other residents (all so she could be the centre of attention of course). This made me so cross as she had no sense of the scale of the task we were dealing with, in moving everything in, nor of the Covid risk to us or the residents by mixing with them unnecessarily. My DH got so exasperated he went and sat outside while I finished off the unpacking. Finally, there was no thanks or gratitude for what we'd done for her, nor any comment on how nice her room looked with her furniture in place. Instead, she was busy with the next set of demands, which I chose to ignore. On the drive home DH was again disgusted with her selfishness, as was I. But on a positive note, we WERE driving away from her and no longer had her in the house with us, so we are in a bettter place now than we have been in the past. It's funny though, that some on this Forum have talked about regaining a mother-daughter relationship when they are no longer having to provide care for their mother. I see no evidence of this in my case. I don't enjoy her company, don't wish to spend time with her and still wish to limit my exposure to her. What a sad legacy of a "relationship".
(5)
Report

EP, I'm so glad that things are to your mom's liking at sis's.

"No, mom, you should stay there. You enjoy the way Sissie does stuff so much. I'm such a slob. Really, no need to come back."
(6)
Report

Thanks Jodi. You are in my prayers too, let us know how the colonoscopy goes.

I thought about your UTI story with your mom yesterday, just narcs being narcs. Here's mine- At my house DH and I stopped setting the table for dinner a long time ago. He likes to eat in front of the TV or we use our breakfast bar counter. It's just easier that way and works perfect for us. My mom likes to set a fancy table and do the traditional thing. (with her being the center of attention).

She tried to force me to conform to her way when she moved here, but I wouldn't do it. She comes over here to eat a lot and she always sits with me at the bar to eat. There is plenty of room. Trust me when I say it's perfectly fine and nice. She still pouts somewhat that I don't set our dining room table like the queen of England came to dinner.

Yesterday she texted me a picture of my sister's perfectly set dining room table, no words, just the pic LOL
(3)
Report

Hellebore,

You hit the nail on the head!

We're not supposed to be individuals!
We're supposed to be compliant and pleasing!

We're not supposed to be free thinkers with our own opinions!
We're supposed to think about our narcissistic parents first and foremost!

We're not supposed to be happy!
We're supposed to do everything we can to make THEM happy!
The irony is that nothing has or ever will make them happy!

It's kinda like being on a treadmill.

You can run as hard as you can, but you never get anywhere!🤯

EP,

I pray you can get some rest while Mom's away!!

You're in my thoughts and prayers!

((((Hugs))))
(4)
Report

I hope everyone had a good Easter.

My mom's been at my sister's since last Friday eve. Time is moving so strange for me at the moment, but I can't get over the weight that feels lifted off of me with my mom not being here. I am still very anxious about DH's upcoming surgery and my brother's cancer journey, but not having her here is like day and night.

It scares me because I know she's coming back, soon, so this break will be short lived. I realize how burned out I really am. My sister took my mom to Best Buy to get a new laptop. Her old one was ancient and a constant problem, but I couldn't bring myself to help her get a new one. In part because we fight about the way she does her bills and that's all she uses a laptop for, but if I'm honest it's 90% because I have compassion fatigue. Just my sister telling me how my mom was with the Best Buy employees (difficult as usual)- she was laughing about it meanwhile it wasn't funny to me. It's the reason I hate going places with her and have stopped doing anything I can avoid. My sister had more energy for my mother on Saturday than I've had in a month. Compassion fatigue is real and not good for anyone.

I told my sister that when DH is past his surgery and things calm down that I really want to talk to her, (and my brother) about my mom and the things that need to be addressed like companion services- actually my mom AND me, because this continual burn out can not go on indefinitely, or even much longer. I am not okay.

I think my sister gets it. Since my brother is now battling serious cancer he gets a 100% pass from me, but I think I can count on my sister to be supportive and helpful with talking to my mom about her future. Part of that will be getting my mother to understand that I will NOT be doing any more care, and if she wants to continue to live "independently" then she has to accept paid help or start looking at living arrangements that don't involve me. I don't want to be the only one saying this to my mother, I think if she sees a united front with her kids, then she will be less likely to rage on me, which has started to be her pattern and I'm sick of it.
(6)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter