Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I specifically did not call mother today on Easter because, well frankly I didn't want to. It's not a big holiday for me and DH and I had a lot of yard work to do, so we did it - the weather was absolutely perfect. I'm sure mother felt sorry for herself we didn't invite her over or suggest a meal, but she has other people she can call. This is something I'm going to remind myself over and over - I am not her entertainment or caretaking committee.
Piper: "Has anyone else ever said "I need a break from you! A long one!".... if so what kind of response did you get?"
Man oh man don't I wish I could say this to my mother. But there's no way she would hear it, and it would instantly turn into how everything is my fault and she herself is the picture of perfection. I'm realizing the thing that's been hardest for me is how negative she is: Everywhere I go I'll be carjacked and robbed; if I got to the doctor it's automatically cancer, that kind of thing. DH think it's an anxiety disorder. But any time I try to say anything about it I hear how lucky I am that she cares about me and essentially how stupid I am not also to worry about these things. I'm just.... tired. Tired enough to take a long break whether she wants that or not, tho I'm sure she's sitting over there stewing about how much she thinks I'm going to miss her when she's gone. (Not as much as she thinks.) Glad to hear your brother's situation isn't nearly as bad as feared, btw. Enjoy your break!
Lea: "NM called here last night in a FOUL mood saying she's trying to get a hold of "the family" to come get her, but nobody wants her....Enough is enough. I can move her into the SNF in June since she's so miserable in MC but that's all I can do, I'm not a magician. Ten years of this and I'm tired." I get so tired of the self absorption. Like we're not individuals with our own needs and desires, just resources to be exploited. One reason I'm not talking much to my mom is I know this will come out of my mouth and I know there's no way she's going to hear it without it all turning into World War 3 level drama and I just don't have the energy for that right now.
xray: "I made the mistake of telling her that I have a colonoscopy next Tuesday and I am kinda scared, because I am having symptoms again!
Her response, was to talk about her breast cancer.... I know better now. I guess that little girl still longing for her Mom, was simply looking for something resembling compassion or concern! My bad!!"
Pshew, I hear you on this one too. I was so depressed I honestly wished I would die for most of January and February, long story to do with SAD and DH's lost job and being sick of isolation and covid. Sure wish I had my mom of even 10 years ago who was capable of understanding someone else has problems and feelings, but that person is gone.
Welcome to the new conversation participants! You're among friends here.
Great to see you back !
You're so right! It's always about competition!
Our NMs always have to "one up" us.
I remember the day that my mother told me that she was jealous of me. I was 16!!
Of course I didn't understand it at the time! I completely get it now!!
And it only took me 40 years. Lol
One of the other days that sticks out to me is when my Mom came to our church and heard me sing.
She told our worship leader that she taught me everything I know!
God forbid I actually have talent that I have worked hard on and have honed on my own!
I think I have reached the point that I am just fed up with the drama she creates and thrives on!
Like an emotional Vampire, she feeds on it.
This may sound horrible, but I have come to believe that I am beyond what my NM does.
When I do something to help someone, it's because I truly and whole heartedly want to help.
I don't have any expectations!
I don't do it to earn love or gratitude!
I do it because it's simply what friends and neighbors do!
And that alone makes me happy!
My greatest Joy's have come from the kindnesses I have been able to extend to others. And the kindnesses I have received most gratefully in return 😘
We need to love OURSELVES!! We are all worthy!
Xray,
It seems all NMs are ALWAYS in competition with us (daughters)...it is very sad that they can NEVER see past themselves. If you have something, they have it worst...if you did a good job at something, they did it better...if you bought something, well you guessed it they have it too and got a better deal! It never ends.
We all have that little girl in us that needs & wants a mom's love, but we have to be the one to give our little girl within that love & compassion. How? Remind yourself that God loves us. He loves you more than you could ever know. You belong to Him. You just keep telling yourself that...we all love you here! Hugs!! 💝💞💗
Azaria,
Welcome to the forum. It really is like what Lea stated "We are programmed to made to feel like everything is our fault, but it's not. So, how to we stop believing these lies? We start by following them through. Example, NM has no friends or family to visit with because 'she pushed them away.' NM tells you it's your fault! Your to blame because no one visits! Now follow that through by asking yourself these questions: 1) Did you tell these friends & family to stop visiting? No! Did you offen them in some way? No! Did you act like a a$$ to them? No! Did you really have anything to do with your NM and friends/family relationship? No! So how can it be your fault? It can't be!
We all need to reprogram our brains! And learn that 'Our feelings' are just that 'Feelings!' The way we feel doesn't make it true or not true! Our thoughts can override our feeling...it just takes time and a lot of practice. Our brains can be rewired. With that you can learn to love yourself too! Look into the mirror and say out loud "I am worth love." Then say, "All the good things that you have done." Even if you have to start with little things! Example, I made a good dinner. I am a good person. I did a good job at and you fill in the blank. You get the point! You are worth love. We all are! We just need to purge all the lies out of our heads!! I hope this helps you! Hugs!!💕💞
Lea,
That is so sad about your dad dying thinking he was a failure. That just broke my heart! Your dad was strong, brave, and successful!! He had to be to be married to your NM for 68 yrs. He's in Heaven with lots of rewards because he put up a good fight and held on for 68 yrs to someone who was not just hard to get along with, but with someone who was down right evil. At least now he has peace!! Hugs!!💕💜
Welcome to the conversation!😏
if you had about narc parents time to let them flop around like a fish out of water. Just walk away
why would the narc want care from (.... insert any foul name or accusation that came from their mouth there here) , get care from
someone like that?
I had parents whos narcissistic behaviors dominated their personality.
Those weirdos gave me all the ammo I’ll ever need to get out of changing their diaper. Of course I’d never talk to my son they way my parents talked to me. As a parent I look at my son & remember being his age, then I’ll think as if I’m talking my parents WTF were you thinking?
“Nobody ever gave me nothin, or gave me anything for free”
well, even though this isn’t true both sets of grandparents bailed out our family from tough times, this statement is incredibly convenient ...
“You can’t ask for help now after a lifetime of self made success?”
my mom who wasn’t mean like my dad was uninterested in me, I wouldn’t do as she commanded. Example; when I asked for some school & sports things because what was provided was inadequate
“when the going gets tough the tough get going”
another instance of me asking for schools supplies
“when there’s a will there’s a way”
these are beautiful, universal & best of all come full circle.
my computer is ... the repair shop is expensive .... can’t figure out ...
”when there’s a will there’s a way”
”when the going gets tough ...”
I was smiling so big it hurt my cheeks.
when my son asked for some items that are school related I buy him what he needs.
Even now in his early 20’s I like to make sure he has the things he needs & a few things he wants ... he’s only young once & id rather part ways with a few $20 than be unsupportive & stingy.
My mother blamed my poor father for all of her misery in life.....him and me. When dad was on his deathbed, he apologized for being a FAILURE of a human being in life! I was livid! I told him that wasn't true at all, but he insisted it was. My mother, his horrible wife of 68 years, had convinced him he was a POS of a worthless life and he died believing that. He was a kind and gentle man who deserved so so much more, and so do WE. Our mother's have all of us convinced we are terrible people and worthy of guilt and misery and that is a LIE. Don't believe it for a minute!
Welcome!!
It's NOT your fault!!!
You're NOT alone!!
There are so many of us here on this thread that completely understand how you feel!!
I will give you the advice that I have given many times before.
Do as much research on narcissism as you can! You Tube is a great resource!
I recommend the book "Will I ever be good enough " by Karyl McBride!
I'm not gonna tell you it gets easier!
I will tell you that it get easier to understand once you know what you're dealing with!
That gives you knowledge!
Knowledge is power!!
(((Hugs)))
Thank you for your support and kindness!!
I try so hard not dwell on the what ifs, but as I am sure you know, it's not always easy!!
It truly is comical (for lack of a better term), that our narcissistic parents can't even give up just a little sympathy for what could be a terminal disease for one of their children!
My Aunt, who was the wife of my Mom's brother(now deceased), had a major stroke.
My Mom is so consumed with making sure she's ok!
It makes me sick to know that she is putting on this front to that side of the family simply to make her look better!
So concerned! So caring !
At least I see through what this is!! Look at me!! See how good I am for making a phone call!!
I guess I still have a lot of work and healing to do before I just do give a rats a$$!
I'm so grateful for all of you and your incredible insight!!
You're ALL a God Send!!
Your Easter celebrations (Mexican style) sound fantastic!
Yes, we put all things behind us when it is becomes an issue or no longer feasible.
My mom’s hospice house requires masks but only two people in the room at the time. Temp is taken upon arrival.
No one is allowed to lounge in any common areas. They have a patio outside though to relax if desired.
They don’t require visitors to be vaccinated. This place is very small, only three beds. The nurse told me with just one more resident they would have to follow more rigid rules.
So glad that you and hubby will have you vaccinations behind you soon!
NHWM, we haven't had Easter for 2 years now; I used to order Qdoba Mexican and DH would go pick it up, everyone would come over & I'd set up a margarita bar, go pick up a Tres Leche cake *authentic* made by a local family, and we'd have tacos. Covid ruined that last year AND this year.
DH is going tomorrow for his first jab; I had mine about 10 days ago & felt like crap for a few days. Second one is April 20th. Now the MC is allowing in room visits and hugging, etc!!! Since these jabs are NOT stopping the virus entirely, (outbreaks are being reported), I would not be surprised to see the MC have their FIRST real outbreak here soon. They are not requiring visitors to be vaccinated, so it's just a matter of time methinks. I'm sure my NM will be fine, though. She's the Energizer Bunny, that one.
You’re not a Debbie Downer. These things get to us. It gets old and becomes really difficult to tolerate.
Right?? Everything is a competition!
I have NO doubt, if she could figure out how to contract colon cancer, she would!
I made the mistake of telling her that I have a colonoscopy next Tuesday and I am kinda scared, because I am having symptoms again!
Her response, was to talk about her breast cancer. She seems to have forgotten that I was the one that was with her EVERY STINKING STEP OF THE WAY!!
I didn't expect a warm fuzzy! I know better now. I guess that little girl still longing for her Mom, was simply looking for something resembling compassion or concern!
My bad!!
Sorry to be Debbie downer.
I'm just tired, frustrated and scared!
The up side is that right now, I still have my pooper and my hair!!🙄
Yes Beatty ,
I have seen it!
"Am I the only one in this family who is crazy?" Lol
Very happy about your brother.
Will keep your family in my prayers and thoughts.
I am all about the chocolate bunny! 😊
That’s the first thing I would go after as a kid on Easter!
Geeeez, since when do people compete to have a UTI?
My word, Jodi...
As if having a UTI is a contest!
Lea, I understand the need for you and DH to communicate some home truths this weekend to your mother. Hand the chocolate bunny over without ceremony though, or she will throw it back in your face like the grandson’s photograph.
Jodi, I completely identify with your mother mirroring every ailment you’re suffering with. I’ve had some of that with my own mother. I wonder if it’s yet another way of diminishing our needs, given that NMs are only interested in their own needs being met at all times. If they accept we are ill, there is a danger we might not be available to provide full service, and that is unacceptable in their eyes.
Stilldealing, great insight. Keep posting as your experiences are hugely helpful in making sense of some of the common situations we all find ourselves in.
NeedHelp, I too am looking forward to a peaceful Easter without the need to provide an elaborate feast. Today was very cold but with bright Spring light. The birds have started to nest, the blackbirds are singing and the early blossom is out. These things are priceless, and at the same time, free.
Happy Easter to all.
There are moments of joy during the holidays but as we all know, they can be very stressful too.
I was the one that hosted all of the holiday dinners.
One day it hit me that I didn’t have to go through all of that rigmarole any more and I stopped. Life became more peaceful during the holidays.
In the past I did enough holiday cooking to last 10 lifetimes!
Bet hers was WAY worse too..
Have you seen Osage County, with Julia Roberts? I caught it on TV last year. It was just too scary real.
Your inability to cope with your NMs toxicity is similar to mine at this point in time. It's like divorce, I think. You wake up one day and say NOT ONE MORE MINUTE OF THIS B.S. AM I GOING TO TOLERATE, and that's when you KNOW it's time for a change. And while we can't exactly 'divorce' the NM, we sure CAN make some changes that are in our OWN best interest for once!
I think your NM sticks to you like a barnacle b/c you are a known quantity and she's scared of change, ANY kind of change. Having dementia makes everything 'off', I think, and so the unknown is big & scary. Just my 2 cents & it could be way off base, who knows with this mentally ill minds? And who cares, too.......just get RID of the woman for a while so you can think straight & focus on yourself and your DH which is all that matters right now!!! Glad to know your sister is on board to help.
Jodi...........a UTI for your NM too, huh? How utterly absurd these women truly are! As if it's a good thing that now she has one too, and next, it will be SO MUCH worse than yours!
stilldealing, very astute observations about NMs in general. Love how you say the only thing working on yours nowadays is her MOUTH. OMG ain't THAT the TRUTH?! Mine is apparently working on sharpening up her remaining teeth, fingernails & forked tongue as I type. She's always been mean as a snake and dementia has only demolished the MASK she was able to wear to conceal some of that mean. Nowadays she doesn't even bother trying to hide it. And acting 'as if' the family OWES it to her to take her in, quit our jobs and devote every waking moment to figuring out how to pick her up from the floor when she falls, cleaning her up, changing dirty Depends in bed, getting her in and out of the shower and washing her when she's in there & preventing a fall while doing so, finagling the wheelchair around a non-handicapped compliant home, and on and ON. Her mother was the same; she lived in a SNF locally many years ago & when the family would go by to take her out, she'd throw herself on the pavement and refuse to go back in at the end of the outing! They'd have to physically lift her up & carry her back inside to her room. Nice, huh? My other aunt with AD crucified my cousin daily about 'taking her home to live with her' until she became catatonic at the end, which was a blessing. My cousin still hasn't recovered and the NM died in 2013. This is the family my NM comes from. She had ONE sister who was content & happy in a SNF and never complained about anything. She died at 94. The one with AD died at 95, and her mother at 91.
I love it!!
You can't write this stuff!! Lol
Although I will tell you that as I watch certain movies, I recognize the narcissistic mannerisms.
Mommy Dearest, Postcards from the Edge, Mildred Pierce (super old movie. A classic).
A good friend of mine told me to watch "A tribute to Jessica Walter " on YouTube. It gave me a huge chuckle!!
Hang in there Sister!!
Really, if you are not in the thick of it, suffering in some crisis or burn out, the things they do are so outrageous, that it IS funny. There should be a dark comedy series about these narc mothers.
Or better yet, a roast 🤣
Yesterday I woke up with a UTI.
I hadn't called NM in 3 days, so she called me.
She asked me what was wrong with me because I sounded down.
I told her I wasn't feeling well due to the UTI.
Low and behold, she called me this morning to tell me she woke up with a UTI! UGH!!!
You just gotta laugh!!🤣
Welcome to our group!!
You'll get lots of support and insight here!! No judgement!!
If you haven't already, start researching everything you can about narcissism. YouTube is a wonderful resource!!
I also recommend reading "Will I ever be good enough " by Karyl McBride. It specifically deals with being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
You're among friends!!
(((Hugs)))
One thing I’ve come to terms with is I’m not doing this much longer, especially if my mom refuses outside help. I realize I don’t have to wait for her to be declared incompetent, I can just say I am done. It becomes more real in my mind every day.
I know your mom is on hospice and I hope you find peace soon. It’s sad that many of us feel like we will not be truly free until they are gone. It’s a complicated emotional place to be, and I hope you are doing okay.
I talked to my sister and we’re on the same page as far as my mom staying until after my DH’s surgery. I fully expect my mom to kick up a fuss but too bad. Funny thing is, she will have a much better time being at my sisters because my sister isn’t burned out and will take her out shopping, out to eat, hang with her at their pool, boat, etc I don’t understand her reluctance? I guarantee it’s not because she wants to stay here out of worry for me or DH, so who knows. I’m just glad she’ll be leaving in a few hours.
Lea, are you sure you want to do the visit this weekend? I don’t think I could after her cruel behavior. She has professionals 24/7 so if you don’t feel up to it don’t go.