Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Praying for a positive outcome!!
🙏🙏🙏😘
Thinking of you and your hubby today. I said prayers last night and this morning.
These stories are truly perplexing to me.
My daughter that we adopted and my bio child are exactly the same as two bio siblings.
My oldest daughter has made interesting comments and we all giggle about it.
She will say something like, “I saw my new doctor today. When they asked about family history I started talking about yours and dad’s history and then I remember that I was adopted.”
She tells me that she totally forgets that she is adopted because we are her parents and that we have always treated her the same as our bio child.
I told her that it never occurred to us that she wasn’t the same as her younger sister.
It’s heartbreaking to think about parents that show favoritism, either bio or adopted.
I wasn’t adopted and my mom showed favoritism to my brothers.
That’s just crazy, isn’t it? The jealousy and playing favorites. My mom showed favoritism with my brothers.
My mother has always been jealous of my accomplishments. Always, "poor me". I don't understand where her lack of initiative came from, and why, as a mother, she couldn't celebrate mine. She acted almost angry at any success I had. (These were just normal things, nothing out of the ordinary. College graduations, etc. Easy enough to celebrate.)
My twin sister, (who was the one she wanted - I was the unwelcome surprise) also has had no initiative. Now that we are 57, this has come back to bite her. She has no savings whatsoever for her future. Anyway, my sister is the one that has no interest in my mother's care - but my mother speaks of her in the most glowing terms. The usual.
Chris, yes. The hero and the villain. That's what we are. Sigh. But, thank you for sharing. I learn so much here!
Your NM- don't give her the time of day. You take all the time you need to rest and relax with DH. Yesterday I was talking to my sister and I told her IF cancer is in my DH's lymph nodes my care days for our mother are over. I said DH will be my number one priority and that we will move back to his home state. I meant every word. I will have zero qualms about telling my mother that too. I already resent that she has stolen the last 3-4 years from our early retirement we worked for so if he is sick she will not get a single other DAY out of me.
I'm so worried sick I can't see straight.
Anyway, my sister is having my mom to her place for the weekend, and then she is going to PA with my mom to see my brother. My mom leaves Friday - with no return date set yet. I'm hoping she will stay away at least until DH and I get through his surgery, and I hope the results will come swiftly. I feel as if so much hinges on this melanoma, well, because it does.
Another thing my sister told me is that she thinks my mom is scared shitless of my brother's situation and keeps asking my sister what stage he is at. Even with my mom's dementia she still remembers her own mother's cancer death at age 48, and my dad at 59. My sister and I already know how dire his situation is, and I don't think either one of us know what to do, how to help my brother and his wife (of six months) or how to help/deal with my mom. My brother is her golden child. I imagine I will know more after they have been in PA. My brother had a PET scan yesterday so those results will be known, and he has an MRI scheduled for the same day as my DH- April 8th.
BTW- while I was reading about NM jealousy, it made me think of a comment my mom made to me a couple weeks ago, this was on the way back from her second covid shot, before anything was known about these cancers. At some point she brought up my dad's name. We're just having regular conversation (for her) and I said "I still miss him" and she says to me- this is word for word and she said it with a tone of anger. "YOU? Tell me about it! At least you have a husband!".... I had no response. Just kept driving home and made a little small talk about meaningless things.
Chris- that was the exact day I thought of when you said you took your mom for her 2nd covid shot, and in that short trip you got a dose of the BS. It never ends with them.
My last Christmas with my mother was in 2019 and was the worst one I ever had with her. It was also the last one I had with her before she died.
I don’t have any grandchildren, and I may never have any grandchildren. I’m ok with it. My mother didn’t know my older son was gay and we never told her. My younger son is on the autism spectrum.
After Christmas dinner, my husband and kids went out in the living room leaving me with my mother. I was smiling and starting to tell her something cute that my rag doll cat had done that day when all of a sudden my mother’s eyes turned black and she started snarling with her voice and said to me “Are you trying to make me scream? I hate cats!! Are you trying to get rid of me??? I’ll go home if you don’t stop talking about that cat!!!”
My heart sank and I got up silently to do the dishes. When I went in the living room my older son went in the kitchen to talk to his grandmother. He brought the cat with him. She said to him that I was trying to kill her and give her a heart attack with my cat. Then she says to my son that the dinner tastes good, but don’t tell your mother I said I liked it. Insanity!!!!!! Why couldn’t she have acted this way at the doctors office or at the hospital. Maybe then the medical professionals could have seen what I was going through. But she was always in her best behavior to the outside world.
So my point Lea, was that my mother was jealous of her sister n laws and at the end was jealous of me, which is absurd!!!!
Not to harp on your mom because I want to pick on her BUT your scenario with her opens the door for many discussions. Doesn’t it?
First of all, I question if your mom would have ever been a good mother to any child, either a bio child or to a child that she adopted?
Why do I wonder about this?
Well, I told you about my husband’s grandmother and what a witch she was.
She was a hateful woman who was jealous of her daughter. She gave birth to her only child and she treated her like crap her entire life.
She was even jealous of her daughter getting attention when she was suffering from lymphoma!
She went as far as to lie to others and say that my MIL didn’t have cancer and was making it up!
I adored my MIL so I told my husband’s grandmother off and said to her, “How do you fake losing a ton of weight from throwing up and going bald from chemo?”
My husband’s grandmother was never an affectionate woman.
The inside joke was that she had to have come home tipsy after a party and that is how my MIL was conceived.
I am convinced that not all women are cut out to be mothers.
My MIL felt the heavy burden of being her mom’s only child.
She used to tell me that she couldn’t talk to her mom about any of her troubles but that even as a child she was expected to be comfort her mom. That is absolutely crazy! She was horribly self centered. That’s exactly how your mom has been with you.
My MIL’s dad was a saint. We used to say that he had to be a saint to stay with her! She was absolutely horrible to him. He didn’t deserve that. Nor did my MIL. Nor do you.
Thanks. You are 10 times the mom to your children that your mom is to you!
Nhwm, you are a loving mom to all of your children equally which is as it should be in normal families.
I was lost! I was blind and yes, I had a lot to learn!
Your mom’s behavior boggles my mind. It truly does! It’s like you said, she hid it earlier in her life but now she is fully showing her true colors.
I said it before and I will say it again, you don’t deserve to be treated that way from her and you have every right to feel as you do.
She has absolutely no filter or conscious.
You deserve a medal for being the most tolerable daughter in the universe!
I know that you don’t expect one but she owes you an apology.
She should be grateful for everything that you have done for her.
Plus, where does she get off acting as if she ‘settled’ by adopting.
We adopted our daughter and it is absolutely incomprehensible that she felt that way let alone say it to you. As an adoptive mom it makes me furious.
Especially since I gave birth to a child after we adopted our first daughter.
I have never felt any differently about our first daughter. Love is love. She is our precious beloved daughter that means the world to us.
Our bio child is loved the same way. There is absolutely no difference in our hearts. They love each other. They are sisters!
In fact, I didn’t like it when a few people said to me after we adopted, “She is blessed to have you for parents.” I would always respond by saying that we were blessed to have her because that’s what was in our hearts.
That’s what I think it is too. Pure jealousy!
Lea’s mom should have celebrated with her, not show her jealousy by being mean. That was awful!
She never brought it up again. I didn't forget that terrible day, but I put it out of my mind so I could continue doing all the many many things I DO for her.
This past Sunday, the gig was up. No more pretending on her part it was ok she got saddled with me. She isn't hiding it anymore, the truth has been told.
What shes doing now is known as triangulation I believe. Trying to turn my DD against my son, playing them against one another, ignoring me, etc. It's just more narc behavior and mental illness at play. More of my NM feeling sorry for herself and soliciting flying monkeys to be on her side. I've lived with all of this crazy sh*t for 6+ decades now and I'm totally worn out and beaten down. That's why I would NEVER take her in to live with me.....my God.......I would have died long ago! There's no nice or normal in the woman, none. But now she's turned a corner into a new level of mean and horrible. The bitterness is huge now. Maybe she will calm down soon, idk......I just want and need to be AWAY from her entirely for some length of time, for my own sanity. I get to call the shots, but none of this works for me and nobody wins, you know? It was the right decision all along to never take her in, but now the gloves are off and the fight is on. Idk how this will all play out and I'm to the point where I don't care. I'm burned out.
perhaps you weren't as wise to your NM as you are now.
Please know that your experience and advice is helpful to all of us now!!
I'm grateful for your insight !
God works in mysterious ways!!😘
I agree with you about taking a break from your mom.
That is a big advantage of NOT having your mom live with you.
YOU get to call the shots in a way that is best for you.
Do you remember that silly commercial from long ago with Calgon bath products? I will paraphrase. I think it was something like, “Calgon take me away!”
Well, when my husband got home from work I would take a long bath with my favorite bath products, not Calgon LOL.
Sometimes I would even pour myself a glass of wine to sip in the tub!
It did relax me but I couldn’t ever totally get away like you.
I LOVE that you can turn your phone off and NOT see her for awhile for your own self preservation. You don’t need that kind of stress EVER but especially now with being concerned about your husband.
Your mom is doing what my mom did, stirring the pot. She should not involve your children in this, just like my mom should not have involved my brothers and of course, they never relay the facts exactly as they happened.
I still can’t get over that your mom didn’t appreciate the photo of her great grandson! That’s so puzzling to me. I would have been so hurt.
There was no excuse in the world for what she said to you. That was terribly wrong.
I would have been beyond upset with her. She does not make anything easy for you.
I am sure that you don’t care to dwell on it. I never wanted to dwell on things my mom did but when I went to my therapist he would hand me the box of tissue on his desk. There would be days that I cried my eyes out, days that I was hurt and upset and days that I was completely numb if that makes any sense to you.
I know for awhile it took me time to realize that I had a right to be angry. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “You know, it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay that you lost your temper. You’re a grown woman and you don’t need your mom’s approval on everything.”
It finally hit me that I had been groomed for so long to please her that I felt like such a failure if I didn’t.
I distinctly remember you telling me in a posting one day that I had no reason to feel like a failure. Then my therapist told me the same thing too. It was my light bulb moment. I had two people that I respect greatly saying the same message. I think Barb told me also that I had a right to be angry about certain things.
I can never thank you and others enough for waking me up. I was blind in so many ways. I suppose because I was caught up in it for so long.
Sometimes, we honestly cannot see what others can see. I am so grateful that I stayed in therapy long enough and leaned on the other caregivers on this forum to help.
It wasn’t easy for me. I was very sensitive to criticism due to my mom being a perfectionist. Somehow I managed to hang in long enough to hear the valuable information.
So thanks once again and I know that I wasn’t as smart as you were but I do want you to know that you are welcome to lean on me if you ever need to.
Caregiving is all consuming, this is true. It's actually been nice NOT talking to NM the past couple of days; no phone calls, nothing. She's on a tirade, apparently; called my DD tonight (who she normally dislikes) and told her she loves her sooooooooooo much and is sorry my son had a baby and not HER, b/c she prefers HER over HIM any day! My son is the golden child who she's never said a word against in her life. She said a lot of other ugly things which my DD did not divulge; no point in doing so. This is just more B.S. from a bitter woman who's obviously gone off the deep end & is trying to hurt the remaining loved ones in her life. I've again turned my phone ringer off and will continue to do so as I focus on the important thing in my life right now, DH.
Thanks for the kind message, I appreciate it.
Please believe me!!
I was in NO WAY trying to berate or shame you in any way!!
I just understand how consuming it is caregiving!
I know that sometimes written words can be misunderstood.
So apologize from the bottom of my heart if my words hurt you in anyway!!
Thank you NHWM, we will take ALL the prayers we can get. Every single one helps.
Chris, you are right. People often don't know what to do for someone; I am not afraid to ask for what I need and I WILL!
Earlybird, I am thankful to have my stepson with me tomorrow; he's a chip off the old block, a big teddy bear & a very loving individual who I can always count on for support. DD would be there but she just started a new job & I DO NOT want her asking for time off; there's no need for it.
That is brilliant! Hey, if it works, why not?
Today, I brought my cute, sweet, almost-two year old grandson with me to drop off a few things to my mother.
I didn’t allow her to go into the incessant list of negativity that she usually dives into. I just walked my little guy around her room, pointing out decorations and fun things like her toothbrush! Pad of sticky notes! Cup of pens!
My mother smiled! And I didn’t have to feel like I was getting punched in the stomach for 30 minutes!
I may count this visit as my once-weekly! Yippeeee! Sigh of relief!
It sooo helps knowing there are others out there that GET this!