Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Lea,

I am so very glad that you won’t be alone.

You will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.

My husband has a very similar personality to yours. He didn’t want to be the focus during his cancer. I understand how they feel.

Take care.

Lea, I'm glad to read that you have a support network. Maybe your network can take a bit more of the strain for you over the next few weeks. Sometimes people want to help, but are not sure what to do. Don't be afraid to ask favours of them and to explain what you need. It sounds like they will help you.

Lea,
So good to hear that you will have company in the waiting room.
How long will the procedure be?

Hi lealonnie, I am happy your stepson will be with you during your DH surgery for support. Sending my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Thanks Chris............very few people worry about the caregiver, I get that. It's always the 'patient' they worry about. I responded to a post here yesterday where the dad was the CG to the mom and he was killing himself literally; the DD was worried about dad taking a break and how MOM would react to not having her DH there! People don't seem to realize there's more than ONE life involved with illness and caregiving in general!

I do have a DD (the RN) and a couple of step children who always call and ask about me. My stepson the LPN is coming with me tomorrow to wait in the hospital waiting room during DHs surgery b/c they've opened things up here and are allowing more visitors. So I won't be alone this time, and I'm super grateful for that!

As always, I am looking after myself as I've done my whole entire life. And DH is looking after me, too, b/c he always puts me #1 in his life, even when HE himself is ill and/or struggling. So we kind of scrape by, he and I, leaning on one another and making the best of it, being best friends thru thick & thin. And I can always count on my DD (who lives 1 mile away) and my stepson the LPN, thank God.

Lea, you've said your role right now is to be your DH's rock, which I totally get. I'm worried about who, if anyone, is looking after you right now?

Jodi, not sure why you felt the need to share such a statement b/c the LAST thing in the world I could possibly forget, even for 1 nanosecond, is that my DH has cancer and/or that it's my job to be his rock. He, however, doesn't even want to TALK about it so we try to go on with 'life as usual' around here, and that does include 'life as usual' things such as my NM, who (as I said in an earlier post) WILL be told that my DH has cancer if she gets too demanding, and that HE takes top priority in my life.

I can't speak for EP but methinks she feels the same way since in an earlier post she stated she's barely functioning.

EP & Lea,

Speaking as someone who has cancer, try to put your NMs on the back burner as much as you possibly can!!
Your spouses need you to be their rock!

It's a lot to ask (I know).

I can't imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and my DH was the one with cancer. It would be a terrible strain trying to deal with his illness and my LOs at the same time. However, I can tell you that I need my DH now more than ever!!

I'm sure you both realize this, but since I'm on the other side of this scenario, I thought I would share!

Love & Prayers to both of you!!😘

Elaine,

Wouldn't it be great if we could write a book???
"True Confession of a Caregiver to a Narcissist ".

A compilation of stories from the dark side!! Lol

Pardon my daydream! Lol

Stilldealing.....I haven't taken NMs calls yesterday and turned the ringer off on my phone again this afternoon and evening. So far, she has not called for me not to answer. So no contact at all, not caving in on my part. And you're right, I AM angry. Who TF says such a thing to their own daughter? She hit below the belt, for spite, and she can eff right off now. Anger is a much more powerful emotion to get us moving than any other. She's tried every other trick in the book to get to me, but this one did the trick. Bravo. You win and we both lose this time.

When the hurt wears off a bit, I'm sure we'll speak again. But something has forever changed between us now, something no hollow apology can ever fix. Oh, and I'm sure you're right, she WILL invent some high drama crisis to reestablish her place in my life. Good luck with that.

Lea-Just read your 3/28 post, about not taking your mother's calls, etc. Please stick to your plan to not respond for however long YOU like. Yes, she'll blow up your phone, so consider blocking her calls/texts until you feel like dealing with her again. I started using the 'block' feature whenever mother's behavior was causing me increased stress/anxiety. What i discovered was that there was never anything in her calls/messages/texts which i missed, that I wanted to hear anyway. Beware, though, after a period of silence on your end, your mother may invent a 'crisis', or have a 'need', or try being pathetic, in an effort to reestablish the status quo (of her entitlement to your time/labor/attention). I read anger in your post; sometimes anger can be your friend. It is trying to protect you from further hurt/pain in this particular relationship (with mother).

I swear my autocorrect is bonkers! It’s a post way back but it bugs me! LOL

I typed about my mother in law’s crazy mom. Then I thought that I put mother in law but it came out as stepmom. She never had a stepmom, but my MIL was cursed with an awful mom and mother in law. How sad!

How my mother in law turned out so balanced and loving is a mystery.

I do love what she told me once, she said that most people learn what to do from their moms but she learned what NOT to do from hers.

That’s how she broke cycles. She did the exact OPPOSITE of her mom, making her an incredible mother and mother in law.

Another thing I will always remember is her crying at her mother in law’s funeral and saying, “I am not crying because she’s dead. We didn’t have a warm relationship. I am crying because of what could have been. She didn’t have to be so jealous of me thinking that I stole her son from her!”

I am praying too!

Piper and Lea,
Praying here for those procedures. May all go smoothly, and be over one and done, as you say!

EP: UGH!!!!!!!! April 8th is a way's away, isn't it? The waiting is def the worst. And I'm with you............my anxiety is THE worst first thing in the AM. I can't sleep........as soon as my eyes open, my brain starts racing and the anxiety ramps up something fierce. Remember my practice: ask yourself this question: what is wrong AT THIS VERY MOMENT? The answer is always Nothing; we're either projecting into the future (anxiety) or dwelling on the past (depression) b/c in the present moment, nothing is ever wrong (unless the bed is on fire). It often helps me remember to stay in the PRESENT MOMENT and quit projecting into the future. As soon as I wake up with anxiety, I start praying & that helps me quite a bit.

I have a lot of irrational fears about losing my DH too, you're not alone with those thoughts. It means we love them fiercely, so that's a good thing, right? :)

Sending you a big hug and reminding you to take care of YOU and do something nice for yourself today

Thank you ladies, the support helps more than I can say. Well my DH’s surgery date somehow got messed up and it’s actually going to be April 8th. This waiting is pure agony!

I know I have to take care of myself and calm this anxiety. For some reason mornings have been the worst as I wake up with racing thoughts. It gets a little easier when I distract myself with things I need to do.

I’m having irrational fears about losing my DH. I’m glad he’s as cool as a cucumber because that does help.

Lea enjoy your DD! My son is also a calming and happy force in my life. Enjoy every second! You too Chris, isn’t your son home now? I’ll get to see mine in May, can not wait!

Hugs to all of you ladies.

Piper,

Please know that our hearts are with you during this extremely difficult time.

Wishing you peace as you move towards a resolution.

This is a heartbreaking situation.

EP, I could just cry for what you are going thru at the moment; I feel your pain. Worrying & wondering about your DHs cancer is a lot, I know, but then to add your brother's issue into the mix is just too much. Sometimes you just have to take things one HOUR at a time, try to do the 4-5-8 breathing exercises to make sure you're breathing properly (in thru the nose to the count of 4, hold for 5, out thru pursed lips slowly to the count of 8). It helps calm panicky breathing. Friday can't come soon enough and then you'll have some questions answered. My DH is the same as yours; he's calm as can be; more worried about ME than himself. I like how you're handling/not handling your NM and her BS. Leave it to HER to have something totally useless & INSULTING to say to you in YOUR time of need, like 'it's not about you.' Really? Thanks for nothing, as usual, enter her first name here. That's what I feel like calling my NM these days, at DHs suggestion, in fact. Thanks for nothing, JoAnn. I am sending up prayers that your DHs melanoma is localized and they get it all, and it's a one and done surgery as well. Hoping the same for my DH and that you and I can be FINISHED with these issues.

I think you shouldn't try too hard to 'protect' your NM from what's happening in your life and in your brother's life. Say as little as humanly possible to her, but in the end, don't kill YOURSELF trying to protect HER b/c the truth WILL come out eventually. I know that if I wind up speaking to mine again and she gets too demanding, I will tell her MY HUSBAND HAS CANCER AND THAT IS MY PRIME FOCUS NOW MOTHER SO BACK OFF. I have one goal in life right now and that is to protect my HUSBAND not my NM, which I know you can relate to. Everything else in life takes a back seat to what's important, and that includes your brother. Your NM, in reality, is FINE (as usual), just kicking up a RUCKUS.....she is irrelevant and should be silenced.

For me, I'm not asking the staff to do ANYTHING in terms of my NM b/c she'd just DENY everything and paint ME out to be The Bad Guy, lying thru her teeth, blah blah. I've got my phone ringer turned off b/c lately, the sound of that ringer is traumatic. If the MC calls, I can listen to the voicemail. My DD is coming over today b/c it's her 28th birthday today & we're going to celebrate something POSITIVE and I have a bunch of gifts for her including a VERY large black iron bear wine rack which is super cool; I think it came from an Arts Festival. I want to have 2 days of R&R before DH goes into the hospital on Weds.

Piper, there is just so much for you to deal with at the moment. It is overwhelming you. There's no point in suggesting you try not to overthink things because of course you will, it's only natural. Can the various health professionals dealing with your DH and brother help you at all? Maybe they could tell you about some online support groups and resources for families going through similar situations? It seems to me you need some coping strategies to get through the coming months. Also, do you have friends or other family members who can support you at this time, whilst you are dealing with it all? To preserve your own health, you really only need to focus on what's necessary and important, and leave the rest to take care of itself or to be dealt with much later. No, stepmother is not mentally ill, she just has poor judgement and has no respect for me, or anyone really. Sending hugs and support to you.

I've been away for a few days, to be honest I am barely functioning, and catching up here is just so...... my heart breaks for all of us that got stuck with these vile narcissistic "mothers". Lea, please take a LONG, long break from your toxic mother. Unbelievable what she said when you offered her the picture gift of her g-grandchild. It's shocking really. Don't even let her get your VM, block her calls! Maybe one of the staff at the MC should tell her "Stop calling your daughter, she doesn't want to speak to you after your horrible behavior". Can you make that request? That would shock your NM. Why are these women allowed to get away with their vile behavior??

Chris- I'm sorry about your stepmother- is she mentally ill?? She obviously wanted you to see the executor info about your son. Does he know? Can he tell her to F-off?? I also related to how just that short drive with your mother was enough to give you a big dose of her negativity and narcissism. The sad part is 15 minutes with them is enough to ruin hours and even days. It's insidious how they do so much damage to our very lives.

I've had a chance to learn/absorb more information on my brother's cancer, and it is very bad. I think I am still in shock. I'll be blunt, his journey is not going to be long, but it is going to be painful. In my mind it takes me back to my dad's cancer, he was also early 50's. I start to think about my brother dying and I just lose it. I can not stop this from happening. He might have a year. I just don't know what to do.

My DH will have his surgery on Friday. Thursday he will go in to get injected with dye so they can find the sentinel node. I was already worried about this, but my brother's situation has me terrified that my DH could have really bad cancer too, and even the thought of losing him I get paralyzed. He doesn't seem too nervous, that is his Aspie way. I'm the wreck, and I SO desperately need to hear the words "we got it all".

I've managed to keep some distance from my NM. I had to call her yesterday, and mentioned during the call that I was very stressed out- her response. "It's not about you, it's about them." I said "yeah, well I'm not stressing them out I'm just also feeling stressed myself" and she said absolutely nothing- I didn't know what else to say, hung up and couldn't stop my tears. I KNOW they are the ones with cancer FFS!

My mom has not been told of the seriousness of my brother, yet. That was his choice. But, last night she was texting me trying to initiate a get together and I said no. No big explanation, just "No, not up for it". Then she texted she might go to PA to see my brother. I have a feeling she is catching on that this might be serious, and I really don't know how to handle her right now.

I know one thing, if there is cancer in my DH's lymph nodes, my caretaking days for my mother will INSTANTLY be OVER and I will move with DH back to his home state where all his family still live.

My mind goes from racing so fast to hitting a wall.

Hey Lea, I will be praying for your DH this Wednesday, I'm glad you will be getting that over with, ONE and DONE! Let us know how it goes.

Beatty, I had not seen this triangle before. It makes sense though. I expect some of this behaviour is at a subconscious level, or maybe I’m being charitable. Either way, it does not excuse it, given the terrible effect it can have on others.

The NMs just love to play *Persecuter* it's all your fault & I'm right, I know I am! Or *Victim* oh poor me!

Check out the Karpman Drama Triangle if you don't know it. I was amazed when I saw this.

Beatty, thanks for your take on this. I see plenty of blame from my mother and stepmother. Not sure I see regret though, as neither have ever apologised for anything in their lives. Perhaps they are sad with some regret but this will also manifest itself in blaming others, even for the choices they’ve made in the past, and crucially they will not learn from this to try and do things differently next time. How could they when they are always right? My stepmother would say to me “ don’t you make me say something I’m going to regret” after asking me how I was feeling after my father died. My mother will say ‘it’s your fault I have no friends “ when feeling sorry for herself. Your example about the woman who hit your DH’s car is a good one. It’s all about entitlement and blaming others. It made me smile though, as I remember once a woman ran into the back of my car while I was waiting to turn at a junction, so the fault was entirely hers. She got out and asked if I’d be prepared to take the blame as she’d only just had her car repaired from a previous accident! She got quite cross with me when I said no!

Christcat, your reply earlier got me thinking on regret & blame. I think they are quite separate. I regret making cocktails with both tequila & whiskey back in the 90's & certainly regret the results 🤮 but I don't blame anyone else for my dumb actions.

Regret: sad & repentance.
Blame: assign responsibility to something or someone else.

The older I get, the more I see blaming others as a little kid thing. When a 3yr old knocks over their milk & declares "Dolly did it!"

Hey I'm not perfect... I bingled my car & blamed the wet slippery road. But it was really me not leaving enough space, maybe going too fast, not paying attention.

My DH was once parked in a street, eating lunch. A woman reversed straight into his car. She said "it was his fault because he was there". He said his car was stationary... but she said "she was driving so he needed to get out of the way, he didn't so it was his fault" 😂

Is that the attitude you mean? It's always someone's else's fault?

Elaine,

Exactly, you know what your set weight should be.

My kids were fit. They both did gymnastics, dance, volleyball, etc.

That era, the Hollywood glamour era was so focused on weight.

Mom did tell my girls that they were beautiful and I suppose that she thought she would prevent her from eating too many cupcakes but my gosh, let the kid enjoy her cupcake!

I didn’t make them all of the time. They enjoyed when I made brownies and cupcakes. It’s a treat!

Lealonnie and Needhelpwithmom, it’s awful what you both went through with your mom’s regarding weight also.

Lealonnie, you are lucky to be alive!! Your mom putting you on a diet at. 9 years old is ridiculous!!! Also a hamburger diet, that’s crazy!!

Im glad the quack doctor was put out of business but geese, it could have been you that died. Thank goodness you survived all of that!!!

Needhelpwithmom, so sorry about your daughter being anorexic and your mother telling her not to get fat. That’s horrible. I’m glad your daughter came through it ok. Teens are so impressionable. Her grandmother should have told her how beautiful she was at ANY weight!!

When I got married back in 1984 I weighed 135 pounds. My mother went shopping with me to find the perfect wedding gown. I found the perfect dress that was a little tight on me. The sales lady said that a few weeks before the wedding she could alter the dress so it wouldn’t be so tight on me. My mother told her you won’t have to do that, she’ll lose the weight before the wedding.

I lost 10 pounds so I was 125 pounds at 5’9”. I fit in the dress but I felt weak. Right after the wedding I put the 10 pounds back on and immediately felt better!!

Lea,

Thanks. I was scared. You know that we can smell vomit. Yep, she was forcing herself to throw up. Bulimia and anorexia are awful.

I had trouble eating when mom lived here. You know how it is. It’s easy to lose your appetite when we stressed out to the max but I wasn’t not eating on purpose.

Sometimes she wouldn’t even eat. It was awful. I took her to the pediatrician and a therapist.

I didn’t know what brought it on until my daughter told me what my mom had said to her. I was furious about it.

My kids had a great relationship with her. I was surprised that mom did that.

When I told mom how underweight she was and what the doctor said, she stopped making remarks to her.

Nhwm......my NM told my DD her whole life how fat she was and how she "didn't need" any desserts, but how her brother "could afford" to eat whatever he wanted. To this day my DD does not have much of a relationship with her grandmother. She was always made to feel like a fat second class citizen, and boy can I relate. NM and I have had quite a few words over her filthy treatment of my daughter,,,,,but naturally, SHE never did anything wrong.

I'm sorry your DD suffered with bulimia. That's a dangerous eating disorder to be burdened with.

Lea,

My gosh! That was insane and dangerous!

A child should not be on diet pills and they need a wide variety of nutritious foods.

Good for you Elaine losing some weight for yourself only, not that you needed to!

I could write a book on the subject and everything NM has put me thru about weight. She had me in Weight Watchers at 9 years old, and then on every unhealthy diet known to man. We went on vacation once and she had me eating ONLY hamburgers 3x a day! I almost died from diet pills (pure amphetamines) from some quack doc I went to as a teen! I'd wait in line outside for 2 hrs and he'd weigh me, give me a box of 42x different colored diet pills to last 2 weeks, and I'd stay up all night doing crossword puzzles. I ate about a cup of cottage cheese a DAY! When I started passing out and having seizures, I sent the pills off to the police dept for analysis....they were offering free anonymous testing. They were pure amphetamines it turned out! This was the early 70s. The quack doc was put out of business after a few people died. My mother didn't care as long as Her Daughter Was Thin. And I wasn't even very heavy to begin with ffs. And that's a small sample of the b.s. thru my childhood. The things we do to earn love! My God, how pathetic.

What a rotten dig to you to tell you to bring your own lawn chair to sit on! Disgusting, but typical. I'm sorry you were made to suffer at the hands of a narcissistic and mean spirited person. Sad, all these stories.