Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
My mom was obsessed with weight too!
It breaks my heart that she is skin and bones now. Not that she has ever been big. None of us have been. Everyone has a certain metabolism.
What an awful thing for your mom to say about your weight, even if you had been super overweight she should not have commented on it in an ugly way. That wasn’t a comment out of concern for your health.
I am glad that you didn’t allow her to get to you. Most people’s weight fluctuates some.
The worst thing that my mom did about weight was making a comment to my youngest daughter, who wasn’t overweight and very active. Both of my kids were extremely active so they could enjoy treats now and then.
Well, my mom saw her eating a cupcake and told her not to get fat!
My daughter suffered with anorexia for awhile. Her pediatrician said that if she didn’t eat that she was going to put a feeding tube in her.
I actually smelled the vomit when I went to the bathroom. I got scared and asked her if she was making herself throw up. She lied and told me no. I knew that she was lying to me and took her to the pediatrician.
I marched into my mom’s room and told her not to mention anything more about getting fat to her ever again.
Young teens are so serious about how they look and I was angry at mom for saying that to her.
About a year ago she told me to bring over my own folding chair because she thought I was going to break hers since I had put on weight. Really???
When she said that to me I was. 5’9” and weighed 147 pounds. I told her I’m not in my 20’s anymore where I was 130!! She was always obsessed with weight!!
Well I was fine with my weight and never thought about losing any weight. But AFTER she passed away my husband said he wanted to go on a diet and I told him I would go on a diet with him.
So now I weigh 133 pounds. I lost 14 pounds and I weigh what I did in my 20’s and 30’s and I did it all for me. I didn’t need my mothers approval, I lost weight for me and I feel great about it. I never could have lost the weight when she was alive. It was way too stressful around her.
Anyway I'm quite sure we could all come up with a TON of similarities between these NMs, couldn't we?
I know what you mean by you can “hear it in her voice “ that she is still going to be nasty and snark. I could always tell with my mother also.
I could also see it in her “eyes” when she was manic and nasty and snarky. Her soft brown eyes would turn black and demon like. I could see it in some of her pictures back in the late 1970’s where her eyes were dark and black and demon like. I threw a couple of those pictures out. One of them I had to keep because it was a 4 generation picture. My grandmother, my mother, my brother, and my 3 month old niece. My mother’s eyes were black and icy cold. Everyone else in the picture was smiling and happy except my mom.
None of this is your fault Lealonnie. Not one ounce is your fault. You have been the best daughter to your mother. You are so caring and compassionate. Focus on your new grandson. He sounds so sweet. Give him big hugs and kisses and let all the negative thoughts wash away from you. You don’t deserve any of that from your mother. All of her nastiness you don’t deserve ANY of that. Write it out 100 times so it sinks in to your soul and your whole being. Write it until you believe it. I’m going to write out the same thing right now!!!
You have a right to feel exactly as you do. Your mom doesn’t have a right to feel as she does.
Chris,
So sorry that your stepmom was so thoughtless.
Revenge is a nasty thing, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, some moms and stepmoms have revenge in their hearts.
I wonder if your stepmom has vengeance in her heart. You don’t deserve that kind of passive aggressive behavior from her.
My husband’s grandmother was like that with my sweet mother in law.
She had one child, my MIL, her daughter who did everything in the world for her but if she didn’t please her, (believe me, she was a hateful, spiteful woman who couldn’t ever be pleased) she would plan some sort of payback strategy to make her daughter miserable.
My mother in law also had a miserable step mother who treated her like crap.
Why is it that people who don’t deserve to be treated so harshly are treated horribly?
We know why they mistreat others, or at least my mother in law told me why.
She said that her mom was ALWAYS a miserable person who never appreciated anything that anyone had ever done for her.
This woman returned every single gift that her sweet husband gave to her. He got smart and told her to go buy her own gift!
My husband’s grandfather died a broken man.
Too bad he didn’t divorce her. He could have had a few years of happiness, right?
Very sad that so many people are so spiteful and mean.
I went over to see my grandson earlier and while I was there, NM started blowing up my phone! She left a snarky message (I didn't answer) saying "I have to talk to you for awhile, I will call you later, goodbye." She's still in a rancid mood, I could hear it in her voice, she has no intent to apologize; she has a RIGHT (in her mind) to treat me like crap. Like DH said, she didn't eviscerate me ENOUGH apparently at the window visit, there's more she has to say. TFB is what I have to say, I will NOT be taking any calls from her for the next couple of days. She's called back a couple of times already, and I am not answering. She can go straight to hell. She thinks she's ENTITLED to speak to me and to have all of her calls get answered, well she's wrong. If I'm not her daughter, then I don't have to treat her like a mother.
Chris, that's a rotten thing your step-monster did with the cards, and no, you cannot make this stuff up. These 'women' have a whole new way of inflicting pain that us normal people can't even begin to think up! DIS-GUST-ING.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm sick to DEATH of APPEASING my NM now. Doing things for HER sake that do not take MY feelings into account at ALL. Like going over there when I don't want to. Like taking calls when I don't want to. Like running all over the damn city to buy her things and return things when I don't feel like it. STILL I do it and STILL get treated like a 2nd class citizen! Well 'mother', talk to your beloved CAREGIVERS for the next few days and see how you like it! Tell them your problems and your gripes and endless complaints and give them your list of needs and wants and see if THEY will bend over backwards to APPEASE you b/c I WILL NOT.
But do you see what I mean about it being etched into my brain? She’s since passed, and I still think of these things.
She never went to see her own mother or brothers when they were dying. Why? Why didn’t she go see them? But yet, she EXPECTED me to be with her. She wanted me to be around her forever. She wanted me around as her punching bag is all. Figuratively speaking, not literally.
My heart goes out to you both!!
(((((HUGE HUGS)))))
With or without narcissism, these women have their heads so far up their A$$ , that they can't see the forest for the S#!+!!
cx & Elaine,
You're right!! As hard as it is to stick to the boundaries we've set, the pain and anguish linger long after the nasty exchanges are over!!
So glad we have each other to lean on!!🤩
We had a birthday party for my mother’s 89th birthday with all her relatives. It was a surprise and she had fun. Well, her 90th we didn’t have a big blowout party for her and she was pissed at all of us. I didn’t ask my brother about a get together because when I met up with my mother at the grocery store, she said she didn’t want her granddaughter there (my brothers daughter) because she was transgender and just got married and she wasn’t READY to see them together!!!My mother refused to go to their wedding 2 weeks before my moms birthday.
Anyway, we didn’t plan a big 90 birthday party. But my younger son and I took her to a restaurant. That wasn’t good enough. All she did was complain that the rest of the family wasn’t there!!!
So after that she stopped sending all of us birthday cards. No more acknowledgments. My last birthday she didn’t even call to say happy birthday. But yet my youngest son and I continued to take her out for her birthday. Why??? I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer. Writing this all out to you I feel like a fool continuing to take her out !!!
I don’t know why these women act so shitty except their brain is broken. My grandmother NEVER acted like my mom, EVER!! She lived to be 91 and had her mind. She had also suffered a stroke but lived for 7 years after having it and was placed in a facility.
Hugs to you chriscat!!
I know the sting our mothers cause us. 2 days before my mother had her stroke she was FaceTiming with my oldest son and looked right at him in the phone and told him she loved him, but I don’t love your MOTHER, she said to him. He kept telling her to stop and she handed me the phone and I turned around and left.
I can’t ever imagine saying those things to my kids but I already told them in advance and that I love them and if I’m in my 90’s and say something like that to them I am apologizing now for it. I told them know it’s NOT true and that my brain must be broken and don’t believe a word I say if I tell them nasty things.
I am 99 percent sure I wouldn’t say anything nasty like that in my 90’s but in the 1 percent chance I do, I apologize in advance and know it’s not true!!!
Good for you for having the foreknowledge to open that mail up, and promptly putting it where it belongs! Hip, Hip, Hooray!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Heartbreaking. Awful. Uncalled-for. Insane.
“It’s the dementia talking” STILL doesn’t work for me. I can handle other peoples’ crazy. Stuff coming from one’s mother is a whole different category of hurt. I TRY the Gray Rock technique. I really do. My rock has holes that go all the way down to my heart. No matter what I read, how I pray. It all still hurts.
I’m glad you got out of there. You did the right thing for your own sanity.
Your NM seems stuck in regret & bitterness. Has chosen to taking out her frustrations on those closest. She is incredibly lucky you see her at all.
Stage 8 of Human Development is Integrity vs Despair. Some look back with happiness but for those who look back on life with bitterness and regret, feelings of despair may result.
This stage can be from 65 until death. So unless she can work this out (with a therapist) she may remain this way. This will be her problem.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this being thrown at you. I know you have worked on having amazing boundaries & this inspires us all.
I am so sorry that your mom said that to you. How awful!
I can’t imagine saying that to my child. We adopted our first daughter. I gave birth to our second daughter. My love for each of them is identical. I could never ever feel the way your mom does. She owes you an apology. She should have been thrilled to see a photo of the baby!
I don’t understand how your mom could ever think such a thing let alone say it to you!
Today at the window visit with my NM, she was in THE worst mood I've EVER seen her in! I gave her a beautifully framed photo of her first GREAT GRANDCHILD and guess what she said?
"I don't care if I get to see him or not. If it wasn't for your father, I would have had children of my OWN and grandchildren of my OWN."
I was adopted, so that's where those toxic and horribly nasty words come from; she blames her DH of 68 years for 'ruining her chance at motherhood' along with ruining her life in general.
I was gobsmacked when she said that, although she HAS told me many many times over the years that I was NOT what she wanted; she wanted her OWN child, not someone else's throwaway.
So I said to her, "Mom, you DO have a child of your own, ME, and 2 grandchildren S & J, and now a GREAT GRANDCHILD B, not to mention all the others from my DH" (who she also does not consider 'hers') She said NOTHING to that statement, sheer silence.
I turned around, rang the bell to the MC lobby, and called the CG to come get the woman and bring her back to her room so we could leave.
For those who think "Oh it's just the dementia and she can't help it", that's BS............she was in a FOUL MOOD and knew EXACTLY what she was saying and doing during that rancid visit; trying to be MEAN AS A SNAKE. She also threw in her usual comment about "I will be dying soon, very soon now" which is her way of trying to induce guilt.
And how was YOUR Sunday Ladies?
I second your thoughts on ice cream and bacon 🥓 🍨.
Welcome!!
You raise a GREAT point!
Even when they complain about us, we can say "Well you raised me." I love it!!
You're right!! Ice cream makes everything better!!
So does bacon!! Lol
Whenever Mom would complain about n
my siblings not visiting or calling I would remind her "well, you raised them so it must be your fault." That would shut her up.
EXACTLY!!!
Amen!!
I took my mother for her second Covid jab this morning. Before I went I was pretty much indifferent about it. I want her to get jabbed and be protected but it’s just a duty for me and another transaction for her. It’s amazing though that in the short time we spent together driving to and from the medical centre, I was again struck by her toxic behaviour. She was waiting outside for me when I turned up at her place, and because I’d driven in my husband’s car and not mine, she was rolling her eyes, frowning and complaining to the cook who had just turned up at the same time. Goodness knows what she thought. I thought, “Why not be positive as you are just going for a free and potentially life saving treatment?” As soon as she got in the car she was fussing about me being in the “wrong car” and then made a big deal of not being able to fasten the seat belt as she wasn’t used to the car, which is nonsense as she has been in the car many times before. I told her my husband had taken my car to pick our son up from Uni. You would have thought that would be cause for celebration, but no, she was just not interested. On the approach to the medical centre she suddenly switched tack and started complaining that she hadn’t had a birthday card from a distant relative, and put that down to her being insanely jealous as she had previously told her our son had got in to Oxford Uni! Such poison! I said “She might be dead for all we know, so why not phone her and see if she’s ok?” My mother pulled a face and said nothing. Once again she didn’t think to ask how my terminally ill MIL is. Also, it’s my birthday next week but that wasn’t mentioned either. After I’d dropped her back at her place, I drove home feeling deflated. At least I’m managing to not get angry about this behaviour any more, but she is such an empty and unloving person. I don’t think she’s unhappy as she seems quite content to do her own thing every day, but I think her head is full of poisonous thoughts, and it’s quite depressing for others to be around people like this. I’ve read so many posts from others who get this same kind of behaviour, and it is reassuring to know I’m not alone.
I almost feel bad for complaining.
So many of you are going thru a literal nightmare!!
You all amaze me everyday with your strength and determination!!
I realize that I am relatively new at this. 18 months for my Aunt and 14 months for Mom.
I also realize that stress is relative.
So for the benefit of someone who may be reading our thread, but is afraid to post, we ALL start off with the best of intentions!
And as our LO's age and their decease progresses the situation changes. The stress morphs! You can reference what you read here down the road. So much knowledge, advice and support
So please ask or vent away!!
This thread is a place for acceptance and advice!
No question or vent is to small or unimportant!!
(((Hugs)))
Here with Kaiser, they don't shove the swab way up the nose when testing for covid.....just gently into the nasal cavity and swirl it around a bit. It's nothing.....not uncomfortable in the least. They said they learned last summer it was not necessary to go deeply into the nostrils to test, as originally thought, so that method was tossed out, thankfully.
Yesterday the memory care called, mom was throwing up a lot. Tonight they called, she fell AGAIN. 69x she's up to now, still no injuries! She sits on the edge of the wheelchair and the recliner, then can't stop herself from sliding off. I'd like to get physical therapy for her AGAIN but she won't do the work or the exercises! She has lost all muscle strength. Claims the Chicos knit pants are too slippery, so the nurse took them away from her and I ran out to the store and bought her new pants. Guess What? She found ANOTHER pair of Chicos in the closet, put them on, and fell again! I had a talk with the nurse about going thru her closet again to find any others hiding out, and I'll make another trip to the store for more "non slippery" pants for her. So far, the floor is slippery, the socks are slippery, the shower is slippery even with shower shoes and a new non slip mat, the shoes are slippery, the sheets are slippery and the CHUCKS on the bed are slippery. They've taken to putting a blanket under her body in bed and changing her Depends there to avoid more falls. 🤐
Ain't that the truth!! Lol