Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
If your sister is truly worried about you, then she should be willing to take some of the pressure off of you!!
Perhaps your DH will tell her as much!
I haven't been through half as much as you, however, I realized that I needed help!
I started seeing a therapist and started Cymbalta. It's made a world of difference!!
EP, you do have options! Maybe painful, but options nonetheless!
Please take care of yourself!!
We're ALL here for you!!
You're not alone!!😘
One can entertain wishful thinking, right?
That is great news about your mom staying at the ALF, and also great news about your back healing and your voice!
As to my siblings, actually they do have a clue. They know how my mother is which is why they stay willfully uninvolved.
Yesterday I was talking to my DH and I mentioned to him that 2 years ago I remember having a tearful conversation with my sister telling her about my mom's neuro-psych eval & diagnosis, and I was already struggling hard with my mom who had been here for about 8 months at that point. I told her that I was really going to need *regular* breaks from my mom, and she promised "Oh, no problem".... Well it NEVER happened. So my husband says that when I talk to my sister (who knows when that will be) I should suggest that she take my mom for one week a month, every month.
We started to talk about it more, and I realized this is a very do-able thing. There is nothing that prevents this except my sister not wanting to put up with my mom. Her house is huge. There is more space between her guest room and main house than between my condo and my mom's condo.
I started picturing me suggesting this to both my sister and my mom. Both will not agree. Both are satisfied with the current set up. I can't force anything, but this will be the lead in to me telling them I can't do this anymore. I thought then I'll present option B- that we all work together to get my mom moved to a MC ALF.
So then last night DH and I were watching a movie and my sister texts my DH. She asked if he could make some time to talk to her, privately, because "I am really worried about my sister".
He has not responded yet, and won't be having any "private" convos about my mental state with my now gas-lighting sister. She's not worried about ME, she is irritated that I am not cooperating with her Easter weekend plans.
He'll respond to her but I know my DH and he will be very cut and dry and present a united front. It will be interesting to see how she responds when his suggestion to the problem is for her to take my mom for a week every month until she goes to MC.
Awhile back, I said I was going to give this a year and re-evaluate. I don't think I can make it that long. I'm sure this melanoma problem is affecting me greatly right now, but I'm just ready to throw in the towel. Unhealthy levels of depression have been going on for too long and things can't wait a year to change.
I'm truly proud of you for standing your ground!!
It's so painful when our siblings have NO CLUE what we're dealing with!!
(((Hugs)))
I've learned a lot too from all these amazing human beings!!
I'm so grateful!!
Such good news about your mother staying put!
Such a relief when you are trying to heal your own self!
I have learned so much from all of you here on this thread!
And if someone can't grasp the concept that we are not fools, but in fact caring, nurturing and concerned children of narcissists parents (albeit through years of programming) so be it!!
I can only speak for myself, but being the daughter of a narcissistic mother has actually made me in many ways to be a driven woman!
Having said that, there is a lot of baggage that comes with it!
Driven to please everyone at my own expense!
Driven to make everything perfect, even myself (NOT POSSIBLE).
I realize all this now!! So now I am driven to make the most of what I have. And to be grateful for what I have!!
I am driven to not let someone else dictate what my life should be !
It's a process . Some days are better than others.
Sometimes I backslide into the old habits.
The brightside is that I am recognizing the difference!!
At this point I can't ask for anything more!
(((Hugs)))
Glad your spine is healing, too, and that you're able to sing!
It's not horrible to know our situations with the NMs won't last forever. The Catholic deacon who came into the MC I used to work at told me he prayed daily for his demented mother to pass. Death is a new beginning of a pain free existence for them, the end of their misery and a joyful new life. That's how I view death for the very elderly and sickly myself. Nothing to be ashamed of praying for.
You are kind to coach Riley/Rusty on being non judgemental.....she loves to lecture all of us here on AgingCare about what "fools" we all are for caring for demented or narcissistic elders. Her abrasive comments are everywhere, but particularly unwelcome here on our thread which is our safe place to vent and find support.
If you didn't grow up with a narcissistic parent, I imagine it's almost impossible to understand.
It's much like growing up in a cult!
You don't know there's anything different or wrong.
Many of us didn't know that we grew up with narcissistic parents until we were out of their house. By then, we had been programmed that if we want our narcissistic parent to love us, we have to do things for them in order to "earn " their love.
Again, very cult like!! And an EXTREMELY hard pattern to break! After all, who doesn't want their parents to love them!!
Just as your parents have formed (for better or for worse) your thoughts and actions, so have ours!
This thread has been a Godsend for me and many others!
A place for support!
A place without judgment!
So I respectfully ask that if you have no experience with narcissism or no positive input, that you leave well enough alone.
Thank you in advance for your understanding!
Saw the neurosurgeon on Wednesday and my spine is healing great! He has released me to start doing light activities (I already was. Lol).
We had our first band practice in over 6 months and much to my surprise, I was able to sing despite the trauma to my vocal cords from my surgery.
Friday, I asked Mom if she had spoken to the Director about the decrease in her rent. She had!
Since the company she hired to find her an apartment can't find anything, she has decided to stay put in ALF (for now)!!
This takes a huge load off of me! And makes my colon cancer issue a little easier to deal with.
This last week was good!!
I'm generally not a pessimist, but I can't help but wonder what the next crisis is going to be.
For now I'll take the good!!
Still and Lea,
I think about you both often!!
This may be a horrible thing to say, but this won't last forever!!
I have prayed that my Aunt and my NM, will just pass away peacefully. I know this thought is not uncommon for caregivers, but it still causes guilt.
The truth is that they will pass!!
In the meantime, keep setting boundaries. Keep learning everything you can about narcissism. And above all, take care of yourself!!
Praying for Peace and sending you Love!!😘
Good for you for standing up to your family and telling them what you need.
Riley,
Please, please, as a member of this forum, who is supposed to have compassion, give some to those of us whose mothers have been less than stellar to us. We want and need to be able to do what is within our boundaries to care for our mothers the best way for us. This is no place for shaming.
Part of what makes us able TO live with ourselves IS helping to care for these people, believe it or not. Being able to live a happy & content life means giving back, even to those who don't always deserve it.
Yep, nothing like ANGER to motivate us to stand up for ourselves and our husbands and to put things into their proper PERSPECTIVE.
Sometimes it's the blessing that's hidden inside of a curse that helps us learn the most valuable lessons in life
With respect to these NM's always shifting the focus of any medical discussion to their minor problems, it is just what they do. Everytime. They not only don't care if your husbands have serious medical problems to deal with, they resent it. Takes the focus of the NM, ya know...and they can't have that. Even though it would be really nice to tell the NM you are worried about your husband, have a stressful situation there to deal with, the reality of the matter is, the NM will always take the position her inconsequential/nonexistent medical problem is more important. I know. My own NM does this very exact thing. (I think its in the Narcissist Mommy Manual.) At this point, I never discuss any of my own or my husband's issues with mother; unfortunately, I have eliminated so many topics from discussion with her, I have nothing left to talk with her about. When I gut it up to see her, I just sit there. And she talks, and talks, and talks....so tedious. My well wishes go out to you all here, especially those whose spouses/family members are confronting some serious medical issues.
No, I'm not spending Easter with any of them. My sister got the message loud and clear with the FU at the end of my text. That is the first time I have lashed out at her. I wonder if she is going to switch gears now, and tell my mother I'm the reason she won't/can't come down? We'll see. If so I will just tell my mom I need a break from her, REGULAR breaks. It's past the time that we have that conversation. She'll be angry. I don't care. I guess that is one upside to compassion fatigue- you mad? I don't care.
Chris....thank you. "Conditioned to serve a NM throughout your life." PERFECTLY STATED. Ugh.
My mom has done things through the years separate from her "mothering" that was still behavior that horrified me. One example off the top of my head- about 7 years ago she discovered she had some termites in her old place. She had an exterminator come out and it was determined that the termites had gotten into her wooden bedframe. It wasn't like a big infestation, just a few, but she noticed the small bits of dust. So she bought a new bedframe. Instead of throwing the old one away- she took it to a consignment shop to be sold. So some innocent person likely needing a deal on a bed frame would end up with those termites. My mom did NOT need the money, she just didn't care about screwing somebody over.
The fact that you have to sit and listen about a WART with NM when your DH is sitting there with cancer, is just so sad. Sad that we have "parents" like this.
And they are sooo similar, it blows my mind. Chris' mother immediately pivots to "her osteoporosis" when Chris MIL is dying - the lack of empathy is mind blowing.
My DH was very recently diagnosed with melanoma. What we thought and were told would be a nothing-burger of a removal in the dermatologist office is now turning into a something. Friday I found out he needs to see a surgeon (now scheduled for April 1) and they want to check lymph nodes. I have been very anxious about this because I wasn't with my DH when he was told to see a surgeon due to the type of melanoma, and my DH didn't know the type, and it was too late in the day for me to reach anyone at the doctors office... so yesterday I tell my mom about this, and not only did she barely pay attention but literally I was in mid-sentence of my condensed version of this and she butts in and starts complaining about "Oh my back has been terrible" and wouldn't shut up about her back and never went back to the fact that my DH has melanoma that needs actual surgery!
There goes the mood plummet, AGAIN. Then to make things worse my mom then informs me that my sister & fam are making plans to come here for Easter weekend. When neither me or DH chimed in like Christmas was coming she copped an attitude about that-- "Why didn't you say anything when I told you YS was coming?"... I just said- I heard you, and QUICKLY changed the subject. She kept trying to go back to it and I kept changing the subject until I made an excuse to get her to leave- Oh yeah, I had to work soon (at that fake job).
An hour later my sister texts me- "How are you, we're going to come down Easter weekend, looking at flights now"... I text back, "I need a break from mom it would be best if she went to your place"... she texts back- "She wants us to come there, don't worry we'll keep her away from you". Sigh. I never heard such BS in my life. I texted back - "Read my above statement. FU"
She did not text me back after that, but tried calling my DH a few hours later. He missed the call. That too made me angry. He told me he wouldn't have picked up anyway, and he knows full well WE could use, no make that NEED a break, me especially, so he too thinks my sister is being selfish.
I'm to the point, that when this comes up again with my mother, which I'm sure it will, I've decided I am going to tell her point blank I want her to travel to my siblings as opposed to having them here because I need a break from her. I'm going to say it, and let the chips fall. IMO any SANE person could easily understand WHY I would need one. If she can't, too bad. And my sister, who I know FULLY understands why, can take a hike. I am so done with her.
And the beat goes on.
DH went to the surgeon on Weds who said he'll do an ablation for the tumor via a groin catheter and then send one jolt of chemo to the spot. One and done, is how he put it. We are grateful and hopeful this will be an answer. If the tumor comes back, they can do an ablation a few more times. We meet with the radiology interventionalists this Weds. Covid shots on Tues.
Chris, prayers sent for your MIL. Figures your NM would be dramatic at this time. And the beat goes on. And on and ON. Some things never change. We can set our clocks by their damn behavior, every single time. Be it a wart or an inconsequential letter from the government.
Stilldealing.......I know my NM knows exactly what she's doing with her destructive behavior, but I also know she's as empty inside as its possible to BE. A human with no empathy or ability to feel sympathy for another human is the very definition of empty. There's no soul in there....no heart. No blood in the veins.....just ice water. Narcissists are known to be psychopaths and sometimes sociopaths precisely BECAUSE they have no ability to FEEL what another is going thru. They can't feel love, so they can inflict pain without remorse. The rest of us cannot do it....we have a conscience whereas they don't!
Wish I could say I was shocked at what your NM pulled, but I'm not. It's how they are. Did you call her on it? What if you had said- "My MIL is DYING and you called me over here for NOTHING, you didn't even read this paper, how could YOU do this?!"...
I see a pattern with these NM's that we DON'T call them out. Dementia is part of my reason now, but it's not THE reason as I've been afraid to call my mom on her abusive behavior my entire life. It just baffles me how much narcs get away with, and the control they maintain. Like Helen should just be able to say to her mom- cars aren't free, so you need to start contributing or golden child can be the chauffer. I don't know why it is so hard for us??
Lea, I'm sorry your mom is having a hard time coming off the Cymbalta. Can she take anti-anxiety meds, like a benzo? I don't know why more elders aren't given benzo's for their anxiety. So what if they get addicted? If it makes for a more calm quality of life then it seems worth it to me.
How did it go with your DH's liver doctor? Is your mom aware of what's happening? Either way I really hope you can drastically limit your time with your NM as you and DH figure out his plan. It wasn't all that long ago that you were delivering her treats she HAD to have after DH's heart surgery, but enough is enough, I think now DH's health and your stress level need to be the top priority.
Something that helps me in dealing with narcs (not in the moment, believe me, lol) is to imagine how empty they must feel inside to need to demand all this attention when others are in need. I can't remember if it was one of my therapists who pointed this out with regard to my narcissistic ex or someone else, but they are really rather pathetic.