DH finally has to step up. Any advice?
Anyone who has read any of my posts about my very difficult MIL will know my backstory. A MIL who hates me profoundly. My SIL has carried this challenging burden for years and finally crashed and burned in the last month.
DH has happily sat back and let SIL do whatever, stepping in only long enough to give a day or two of respite, or to fix something in MIL's home. Other than that, he's been as distant as he can be, often going 3-4 months without seeing his mom.
He retired, 90% finished with some projects, so he's been enjoying sleeping in and golfing and just not having any 'responsibilities'.
Oops, spoke too soon. SIL broke her right foot and is supposed to be in a 'boot', resting it until they decide the course of action to repair it. Minimally, she is not to put weight on the foot, worse case, she is looking at surgery.
Again, right foot, so driving is a NO. Nevertheless, MIL doesn't see past her own needs and was still demanding SIL's presence on a daily basis.
2 weeks ago, MIL finally wore SIL out. SIL called DH late at night, crying that she just couldn't do it all anymore. In fairness, SIL really never asked for help.
Long story short, OB, DH and SIL got together with MIL's Dr and got a Hospice/In home care company to take over the daily grunt work. They had an all hands mtg with the company and the CNA who would care for MIL. MIL has very poor reasoning skills, to put it mildly, and assumed that b/c she saw all 3 of her kids at once! and the company's title says "Hospice Care" that she is actively dying. (I admit that the title to the co. is VERY off putting, but it is what it is). She's NOT actively dying.
MIL immediately stopped eating, stopped taking her meds and within 2 days was sick and falling down. It took ANOTHER meeting to explain to her that the co is simply taking over her daily care. Checking her vitals, supplying oxygen, making sure she is eating, etc. IDK how often they come in, but it's at least 4 times a week. Our OD is doing her grocery shopping and delivering groceries. Anything that happens while MIL is alone, she is to call the CARE COMPANY first, not one of her kids.
This is the best of a bad situation. She is mad, DH said she yelled at him all day long the other day and he came home dispirited and sad. His eyes are finally open, and he doesn't like what he's seeing.
3 days this week he spent with her-about 5 hrs per day and yesterday he didn't even get out of bed. He was so exhausted and already burned out. I'm seeing the light come on in his eyes that he has let his sweet sister handle this for FAR too long. He is now in this for the long haul.
My heart aches for him, but this is what has to happen, at least until she gets bad enough to be 'forced' to go into care (she's at home).
The other night, he was SO depressed and said "I don't know if I can stand this, my mom is SO AWFUL." Yep, I know.
I told him b/c she will not allow me in her home, nor accept ANYTHING that I might be able to do for her, all I can do is not put any pressure on him to do anything here at home. I will support him by taking care of our lives. He's very grateful, I know, but he has no idea how bad this is going to get.
There's no question here, just a vent, I guess. It's so sad when people cannot or won't see other's needs and put themselves and their wants ahead of everything else. DH is struggling and is going to have to figure out a way to navigate this new normal. It's definitely what I DID NOT want to have happen when he retired, but it is what it is.
My grandma used to always say "if you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning".
I am SO GRATEFUL that my mom passed when she did. We didn't get to this point with her, thank goodness.
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I believe having some separate activities as couples is completely healthy.
The House. I think I would want zero to do with it. Not care at all what happened to the outside, the inside, the contents, photos, anything.
I watched an old episode of Mother & Son (did you ever get that series?). There is one where the OB decides to buy the Mother's house. For $1. Therefore cheating the other brother from any future proceeds from the estate.
OB wants to buy the house? Surely there are other houses...? But as long as he pays a far price, sure. My care factor would return to zero.
I am with you the golf topic. I tried it once with my friend and her husband and my husband and I. Oh my gosh, it was a disaster!
LOL 😆 I can’t golf and don’t especially like the sport. My husband rarely goes golfing anymore. He was never an avid golfer.
I love walking, hiking and I did enjoy cycling until I had a horrific bicycle accident. My orthopedic surgeon told me to only cycle now on my stationary bike.
I agree that we all need things that we enjoy individually and things that we enjoy doing together as a couple.
I think traveling will be a good way for the two of you to enjoy your new found freedom.
You have your children and your grandchildren that you can visit. Plus, planning other trips could be healing for both of you after dealing with your DH’s family issues.
sp,
Yeah, I remember that episode on Raymond. It was hysterical.
Geeeeeez, I could NEVER be married to a guy like Raymond or have a MIL like Marie.
I broke up with a guy who had a horrible mother! Hahaha! 😆 He was a sweetheart but I remember thinking, “Oh no, I don’t want to go down that road with his mom!
My MIL was an angel. She told me that I was the daughter that she never had. Honestly, she was like a second mom to me.
I was truly fortunate to have my MIL in my life. Sadly, she died far too young, age 68 (non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.) I dearly loved her. I still miss her, but am glad that she is at peace and out of her misery.
AND-it gets him out of the house, playing with friends and family and when he has a 27 hole golf day, I am blessedly alone for 8 hrs.
Everybody needs something to do to blow off steam. Until I broke my foot in a spectacular manner 6 years ago--and walked on it for the next 4 in pain, unable to find out why it hurt so bad---did a huge surgery to fix it-BUT, my daily 5 mile walks with friends ended. I cannot walk far without pain--but it's better than it WAS and so I am happy enough to do what I can do. I do miss those long rambling walks with friends. I can't keep up with anyone any more.
Dh is grieving both his mother's death AND her life. Going through her junk is cathartic for him, in some way. My OB telling me not to touch any of MIL's costume jewelry until YS says so was hurtful. I get 'directions' from all side. "You can do A, C and F, but not B, or L" comes from my DH, the YS says 'Oh but please don't do A, C or F. Do Q, N or P". Dh tells me to ask YS about everything.
I've decided that I am not going to help at all anymore. I don't want a single thing from MIL's house. And the pictures I mentioned? Those were pictures of MY KIDS AND GRANDKIDS--she is not in any of them, it's pics I gave her to put on her fridge. She has not, for years, displayed anything anyone in "My" family sent her. If you looked at this pile of photos you would not know she HAD these 'extras'. All her cheesy talk of family being 'everything in life' didn't resonate with us, we knew she didn't care squat-all for our kids. In the family room she had a 3x5" photo of Dh and me on our wedding day, Next to that hangs a 36"x48" portrait of her daughter on her wedding day. Ours always looked so funny. Like an afterthought, which it was. I took that down and threw it away. If OB is mad about that he can fish it out of the trash.
They are somewhat under the gun--the ALF apartment has to be emptied 100% by Friday of this week. So that pushes the sibs to also move the stuff out of the house. They've hired movers and everything that's left in the house is going to Goodwill. SIL wanted more time, to touch everything and have her emotions, but she's not going to get that.
I do find it rather funny that the 'plan' I had conceived as to how to make these moves in a very organized and efficient manner was pooh-poohed by DH, yet a mere day later, he is telling his sibs he had this great plan to do the move/move in ONE day and with ONE set of movers. Sometimes I ain't so stupid.
I know everyone's emotions are on high alert. I know OB's wife is doing worse, more rapidly declining than they thought (I'm not supposed to know she's having problems, but all my kids knew, so what's that all about?) Don't know, don't care. Right now OB is trying to decide if she is 'safe' to be driving now. That's something that's come on in the past few months. So I cut him a little slack, as he is soon going to have another 'patient' to look after. That has to be hard.
I do appreciate the comments. I am glad MIL is now gone, but I am also feeling a shift in the family dynamics. As a general rule OB and Dh do not get along, even to the point of simply not speaking for months on end. That will come back, and that's FINE. Once the estate is cleared out--and the last check is cut, DH doesn't have to talk to OB ever again.
It will be OK. In fact, I will probably close this whole link down in the next couple of weeks. I'm just now learning to deep breathe again.
And for the record--I have bee
Do you play golf? Your husband seems to love it. I wonder how many couples golf together. My husband would not want me to play golf with him. The most I have done is putt putt with the kids.
I get it. Everyone has been through crap. We grow and learn from it. It seems like the ‘kick me again’ would get old fast in a marriage.
Sometimes we need a bit more help to sort things out.
Mid would do well to make an appointment with her therapist.
If that's offensive, I apologize, but I'm feeling a bit dysfunctional myself at the moment. Perhaps it takes one to pick one!
The entire family lacks good communication skills. They need an objective mediator (a licensed therapist) to help them navigate their way through their messy past and help them to build a better future together. Therapy is certainly worth the time and money.
This forum is an outlet for Mid to vent but it doesn’t take the place of a qualified therapist.
Suggesting therapy and marriage counseling and Mid carving out a life for herself while DH golfs is supportive practical advice .
Mid also did not speak with or see her MIL for 4 years . During this time the disrespect she has been getting is from the 3 sibs .
I second EVERYTHING that you just posted!
Enough is enough! Stop the insanity! End the unhealthy cycle that has been going on for far too long! What is the point of being in a relationship that is one sided? She deserves to have an equal partnership.
We can’t force others to be responsible for their actions but we don’t have to accept it because that’s the way it’s always been.
Hopefully, Mid will consider your suggestions.
Mid definitely deserves better treatment from her husband than she has received. He should have defended her to his mother every time she spoke out against Mid.
Mid may feel as if she doesn’t have a voice in this marriage. I hope that one day she will realize that she does have a voice and will speak up for herself instead of being ignored or shamed by her husband.
The idea of DH wanting Mid to be nice to his mother was ludicrous. His mother was not interested in being friendly with Mid at all and would have only said more ugly things to her. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
In-laws can place a strain on a relationship but they can’t damage a good marriage if the husband takes up for his wife.
We have read Mid’s postings on other threads where she openly admits that she wanted to leave her husband.
Mid has been suffering from migraines due to the unnecessary stress from DH and his family. Let’s hope that DH and Mid go for couples therapy and can heal together.
I had the same thought . The first thing DH does is go golfing instead of doing something nice for/with Mid . If I was Mid I would not be happy . And why help this crew with the MIL’s house just to be diminished again by these people . I would not keep trying to help these people . Let DH handle it all, the house , the siblings, the will and his golfing . I wouldn’t wait around for scraps from this man. I’d go on a trip without him . I would ignore him , see how long it took him to notice . Then I would insist he go to therapy and marriage counseling .
Why have you stayed married to this man? Will you put up with anything and everything indefinitely? The whole thing continues to be really bewildering.
Actually, Dh simply removed the bolts to the rail and he and his OB lifted the whole unit out of the stairway and parked it in the hall.
It looks like there's a good chance that OB and his wife are going to buy the house! I am beyond surprised--but hey, why not?
They retired here and bought a 3 story condo--which has proven to be too many stairs for them. OB can make it up and down the stairs once or twice a day, but they have 3 flights of stairs AND the snow out there is horrific.
So--at present, we're leaving the stairlift for them. I think they'll make a decision really quickly--as the house will need a lot of reno to make it right for them. It would be nice to sell it to them and not have to pay any fees....BIL will be mad b/c he's looking forward to a nice commission--which he now won't get if OB buys it.
We did get the ALF all packed and we're trying to get rid of all the leftover furniture. Nobody wants it, quality that it is, it's VERY definitely 'old lady' brocade style and looks very dated. Next Friday they plan to move EVERYTHING out and then we'll see what happens.
I did go to help and then got slapped back by OB who told me that I didn't have the right to look through MIL's jewelry--So I had a little moment where I once again felt diminished by the family.
Sadly, as I was going through photos (I was allowed to touch those) there were tons and tons of the 'other' grands & great grands a smattering of ones of my family. So I had some sadness over that. It's OK. I'm going to opt out of trying to help any more. I'm not wanted by OB (he's never thought I was smart enough for his brother AND I'm religious, which he acts personally offended by...) so, not a lot will change.
You are right--that stair lift was 'built in place' and will only work on a stair with the same slope and angle. Not my problem.
What my daughter has discovered in the market there is interesting. Their house is in great shape as they completely renovated it after buying it a few years ago. They also are in one of the more desirable subdivisions. They are buying a house that is a better size for their growing family yet needs alot of cosmetic work. They love doing this. They did a house in SF and did very well. The house they are buying has been on the market for several years because it is not up to date. In all of Park City this is the only house they wanted to consider.
I know the SLC market may be a little different but I think you could go ahead and list it as is with the offer to take out the staircase if so desired by a strong buyer. At least this is not a difficult problem. It is always great to be a seller in a seller's market.
I did a quick Google search, and those stairlifts CAN be removed. The track is custom to the staircase but the chair, motor, etc. can be installed on a new track. I guess it will probably be the buyer's call.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best!
Lily
DH is being himself, kind of roller coaster of emotions, but he's doing OK. He 'allowed' me to accompany him to the ALF to get the last of the stuff packed. It's ready now to be vacated, and SIL had spent a couple of hours packing, so with what we did yesterday--it's done. He actually thought my plan to empty the house and ALF in one 'blow' was a good one and will keep the moving hassle to a minimum. He has the death certificates and has to register something with the state, IDK, but it's not a big deal. They can start to pay off her few final bills and close out the house. I really hope my SIL doesn't get over emotional about the house and the few contents in it and will allow us to help her. She was talking to DH yesterday and was asking if there wasn't ANYTHING that we wanted, and no, there's not. Maybe the stationary bike, but even then, if someone else wants it, we'll let them have first call.
One of my daughters wanted a piece of jewelry-if there is any (MIL threw away a LOT of stuff in her waxing dementia, so IDK what's even left). None of the kids had any great memories about anything, which is kind of sad.
We've already gotten calls about selling the house! It's a great neighborhood and will sell without even being listed. SIL's DH is a realtor and he will take care of the sale and collect the commission--so I doubt it will sit empty for long. As they stand to inherit 1/3 of all her money--well, follow the trail.
Today DH and I are going to her house and taking her pictures back-they are some that the sibs may want. They're very 'old lady' and not appealing to us at all. But, one of the kids may like one? Who knows!
One weird thing, so I do have a question: MIL had a very expensive stairlift installed in her house years ago. It takes up almost half of the space of the stairs. Do y'all think that's something that should be removed before selling? Or should we leave it and let the new buyers deal? I don't think these can be re-used and they are very specific as to installation. We can't get the sofa and TV out of the basement with this in place, and I thought to just sell the house with this.
Thoughts? (Yes, I am going to ride it today!)
All in all--we've had some moments, I am learning to give DH a LOT of time to think things through. I'm also keeping him well fed, which will help.
I asked him yesterday if he felt that moving his mom pushed her death along faster and he said "We should have moved her here 5 years ago". So, if that is how he feels--well, if it helps one person to not attempt to prop up am elderly LO in their home--that's OK. It has been so hard and now that she's not a constant source of anxiety, I am hoping for some peace, some joy and a LOT less stress between DH and myself. I always hated to 'blame' MIL for our marriage issues, but as time is passing, I can see that she really did have him bound tightly. He's free. At age 72, he's finally free.
Let's all make that commitment: to care for our LO's the best we can, but to not destroy ourselves in the process. Had we known---it would have been completely different.
What did I say in my very first post here?
If you aren't serving as a good example, you might be serving as a horrible warning.
BTW, I did have a ceremony with the 'brown rug' last week and it was actually very healing.
May God bring healing to your whole family! 😘
I so hope this has opened DHs eyes. If his kids went out of their way for him he can't be all bad. He just needs to realize that it was never him that had the problem it was Mom. And he needs to forgive her because it may have been something in her childhood that made her the way she was or a mental illness. He needs to now realize that her treatment of you was not normal and should not have been tolerated. For your marriage to heal correctly, he has to apologize to you. But first that golf outing and then some therapy. Its time to have a happy rest of your life.