I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Indeed things could always be worse. At least I wasn't sick. I think more than anything else, I'm kicking myself for all the effort that went into it all, and the expense .. all for . .what turned out to be one lone extra individual here, that's it.
Enjoyed OD .. as much as was possible. She reminds me the most of some over worked guy .. that if he gets in a recliner for too long, he's snoozing .. that's her. She works 6 days a week, long hours each day .. pest control/residential-commercial. And as she says, as to her absence in our lives .. "I can't people anymore, I people all day long, every day, 6 days a week, I just can't spend that 7th day people-ing .. I have to cocoon .. so that I can go do it again the next week".
I get that. I understand.
So she was here, .. but she climbed onto the sofa in the living room and snoozed a good bit .. just a respite I guess from her world.
All the well made plans went off perfectly, all 4 of my kids spending the actual holiday with their other parents (no problems here!), and my Daughter and SIL agreeing to host a big Thanksgiving meal at their house on the Friday after the holiday. I was so excited to see all my family having fun together, but on the Wednesday before Turkey day, I came down with the most horrific stomach virus, or probable Food Poisoning, that I was unable to attend, and I was So Sad because of it! I just couldn't risk spreading such a horrible stomach flu to the others, and it was BAD, so bad, Twice I wanted to go to the hospital, but knew that there was nothing that they could do for me, so I stuffed it out!
Nonetheless, they have all called to check in on me (I got great kids!), and a lovely plate of foid was sent home for me, with 3 different kinds of desserts, still, I'd have much rather been there to see all my kids and Grandies!
So, live and learn my friend, sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things just don't turn out like we plan. You hang in there, and next year, try not to overextended yourself, or better yet, accept an invitation from a friend or a cousin, or make reservations!😉
Happy Holidays!
This after DD texted me, a bit after noon (she'd already stated she'd be going in that direction for the other mom .. her husband's mom .. .and their t-giving deal .. and they'd be serving at noon). She texted a little bit after noon .. saying they were ready, the mom had her end of things done, but the g'ma (the mother of her mother in law) not yet there on the scene and bringing some of her special dishes .. so .. things on hold on that end, .. til g'ma arrives.
I guess, from the sounds of it, g'ma did arrive, with whatever her special dishes were, oh about 1 1/2 hours late. They did get to their meal on that end . and whatever.
I guess they left at that point to come in this direction. Tired/full/stressed . .somewhat put out (this is the usual order of holidays and meals, this is about how it always goes), .. somewhat put out that the "noon" designation for serving the meal there, had come and gone .. and then some, then making her late for what would be ongoing on this end. All of them sick, babies cranky .. unable to breathe good .. stopped up noses, thus can't eat their bottles good. The 4 yo cranky, no nap .. mom not feeling good, lack of sleep .. for days . messing with cranky babies.
Not the way I'd of had things go.
So, about the time I finish our meal, which was about 2:30 or so .. thereabout, and then get it all kinda stowed away somewhat .. and at least stack some dishes, .. with the help of OD, who was here .. that's about the time, the other crew arrives, sick kids .. tired/cranky, etc. I'm tired at that point, myself.
MIL didn't come. She said she wasn't coming and she didn't. DH did take exception with it, .. in talking with her, .. at least a bit of pushback. Along the lines of . ."Ma .. you still drag yourself around to meander around the grocery store, but you won't come over here for a family event?". Her answers to that, along the lines of, "I have to force myself to do that .. to go to the grocery .. it's something I force myself to do .. but I have to pick and choose these days what I can and can't do".
His assertion, at least in talking to me, "..............she can *force* herself to drag around the grocery but won't *force* herself to come to a family gathering". He didn't say that to her, he stopped short of that, .. having voiced a bit of displeasure at her decision.
I made her a plate and sat it to the side .. and by the time the sick kiddos and mom and dad headed out of her, along with OD .. (OD's s/o didn't come .. s/o went to her sister's for t-giving .. local). By the time everybody left, .. DH was too worn out, as was I, to now get in the car and haul a meal out to MIL. That was done the next day, by DH .. I didn't go, stayed here and did some cyber xmas shopping.
I made WAY WAY .. did I say WAY too much food! I mean, I think I must've been outta my mind, .. I coulda fed the whole neighborhood. Why did I do that? I don't know. Such a waste. We are still eating turkey at this point, and I just threw out the rest of the stuff .. yesterday .. stuff that we just couldn't eat it anymore, we've seen it now, like everyday since.
I guess I thought .. DD and her crew would eat. They didn't. I guess I thought OD was bringing her s/o .. as I was told she was doing .. and she didn't .. and I thought, as I was told that OD's room mate (a gal with a hard luck case they have taken in) .. I thought the room mate was also coming, I'd been told she was .. she didn't come. I had thought maybe .. just on the off chance, that MIL would drag herself here. She didn't.
So I had what is actually, a sinful amount of waste of food, and could kick myself .. for the amount of food made, that had to be pitched out in the end .. but not only that, all that work, .. so not necessary. The only one here, in the end, me and DH and OD, that was it. YD had to work.
As I described earlier, . .with DD and family .. I had been told they would pace themselves as to eating (though how do you do that, it's all so filling) . thus I guess, I planned accordingly that they'd also partake of what was made here on this end. They didn't. That's how holiday meals seem to go .. I get what's left of them, demeanor, energy level, etc .. after they go in the other direction. I don't like it .. wish I could change it. I don't intend they come EVERY holiday .. I've been afforded the luxury in my life of parents who understand that I can't be there every single holiday .. and I guess, on some level I expect the same, .. but don't get it.
What ends up happening is what I described earlier, they try to be all things to all parents (we all live within 10 mins of each other) .. and end up stressing themselves out, .. and the day, for them, is anything but a pleasure, .. and in the end, .. it's about the same for me, as to their presence.
There isn't any drama yet as to the arrival of SIL .. she is to be here the 2nd week of December I think. Her daughter will be coming in also, I think the day before xmas eve and staying I guess, til the day after xmas.
Have already briefly spoken to SIL .. and we both agree to keep it simple, really really simple on any holiday meal/cooking on that end .. for xmas. It will be at MIL's .. SIL in town .. and I don't care to host again. I will contribute in some way, but it won't be the spread that t-giving was .. with an over-abundance of many different foods and far too much of each one of them.
Thus far, no drama on that front. Hopefully it can stay that way.
Made all the more bothersome (if I let it) by the fact that there is real complaint on the part of the parties involved, as to the *lack of interest and involvement* by that set of g'parents.
We all make our choices .. they make theirs. For whatever their reasons .. it works best for them, to not disappoint/anger or cause consternation on that end .. and show up .. at that specific holiday event. It causes disappointment on this end, and I've said as much.
I then have to "choose" . make my own choice, to let it go. Which is what has to occur each and every time. And I'll do so again, with this occasion as with others.
And as to the notion, plan it all another day .. it's just a "day". Therein lies the problem. The whole point is how very Norman Rockwell it would be (did that ever even exist, really) .. to have them all, .. at one time .. and get to enjoy that.
Work schedules and other commitments .. are always in the way of planning "another alternate day" for such an event .. to be able to have all gather here, at one time.
That's the beauty of what is considered a national holiday (at least for those who aren't first responders and the like .. having to work that day).... all are off work for the day, businesses closed .. and so .. the hope would be that all could gather, .. "all" .. at least some of those occasions.
Doesn't happen. As a matter of fact, YD will be working .. and won't be here, even on the actual "date".
So be it.
One can only let go of whatever their "notion" is of what they picture as their whim for the event. That's what I have to (forced to) do, . ."let it go", and I will.
DH was lamenting this morning that his mom won't come here for T-giving (as she chose to not come for his 60th bday this past summer) .. as he put it, "but she'll go get around to get her dog treats and special foods won't she". I answered that with: "Well she says that truly ... she really has a pretty poor appetite anymore, .. she eats what MOW brings .. it's nutritionally sound .. and so she eats to live .. but outside of that, she really has no appetite to speak of .. and to make any special trip .. simply because the food and company will be so great .. it's more than she really can manage anymore".
DH shook his head in dismay .. (I agree with this notion .. "yea but if I grill steaks out, or chicken or whatever and haul a plate out there to her, she eats like a farm-hand .. she sure has an appetite for that doesn't she .. she eats like a linebacker".
I agree with the above. For someone who claims to not really have much of an appetite these days, she can pack away a plate of food, and a hearty plate at that.
Who can say what the dynamics are of the above .. that she declines an invite and/or plate brought to her, .. and wants to claim the whole "I really just have a poor appetite anymore" .. only to see her, when a plate brought to her .. devour it .. every morsel.
Maybe that's part and parcel why DH isn't .. the whole picture above and her declining invites here .. maybe it's part and parcel .. of why DH doesn't show the interest in the whole thing and sits on the periphery of the whole saga ... much to my chagrin, at times.
Learning .. this past several months, what a learning curve. I can't control him . and make him "engage" like I'd like to see him do, nor his sister. I CAN HOWEVER CONTROL me, and that, .. whoa .. what a learning curve it's been. I'm finally getting it, and it feels good, emancipating.
Schedules can be difficult. If the 4th Thursday in November is problematic, you and your loved ones have 364 opportunities for a make-good.
Many folks work on Thanksgiving Day. Hospital. Urgi-care. Nursing home/AL/rehab. Police. Firefighters. EMTs. Pilots, flight attendants and all things “airport.” Bus & truck drivers. Uber & cab drivers. Snowplow drivers. Hotel. Restaurant. Convenience store. Retail.
For some, holidays highlight the need for self-preservation. Raise your hand if family gatherings are a showcase of personality disorders. Raise your other hand if you don’t have the stamina for it that you did XX years ago.
You love these people. They love you. The devil is in the details.
Sometimes traditions work for a while, then need a tweak. The only constant is change. There are countless ways to be appreciative on Thanksgiving. Find your own groove.
And no, MIL has no major, terminal illness. No pulmonary or cardiac issues, other than A-fib..which is tx'd with medication. And as mentioned before, it seems she is managing her meds better these days, which is a plus.
Some folks break a bone and learn from that condition to have greater empathy. Some folks have the same experience and refuse to accept any limitation, and or demand that others step in and make up for their issue.
You might ask DH what he thinks she's dying of. That's a real question; I wonder if perhaps there's something that none of them are telling you or if DH, SIL and MIL are just really so clueless that they all think she's just going to die of no specific illness. I mean, yes, people DO die in their sleep, but she doesn't seem to have advanced cardiac or pulmonary issues that would make that likely, does she?
I will enjoy those that can be here, .. on any given holiday and those that can't, .. I'll probably see them too, within a day or two or three. In that, I'm grateful.
I did talk with MIL, to extend an invite and she begged off, saying mobility is so hard for her anymore. I get it. The comfort of her own home .. and her surroundings, far outweighs having to go anywhere. She says that anytime she goes anywhere, she has to case out the room for what looks like a seat that might be suitable that she can get in and out of. I can't imagine the struggle there. Says she has to be helped and so picks and chooses where/when she'll go. Says she is much happier/content .. at home. I get it. I'm not upset with her, that's her prerogative certainly. She was thankful for the consideration that we'd try to accommodate her, but pleaded for understanding that she just isn't able to do these kinds of things any longer.
She then went on to explain the other day .. she'd gone outside to speak to the yard man .. and came dangerously close to falling, except the yard man literally caught her, and stopped what would've been a nasty fall on her concrete porch. Said she then .. came inside and fell in a heap of tears at what her existence has become.
I asked DH, "what's going to happen to her, is she going to end up in a wheelchair before it's all said and done". His answer, "if she keeps living, I'd imagine so yes".
So sad. So so sad. She doesn't want to be here anymore, .. was once a vibrant healthy strong able bodied person. Makes you wonder which is worse, loosing your body's ability to function, or your mind.
I'm satisfied that I've done what I can to try to include her and she isn't able to do it. We'll maybe take her some dessert and visit with her some later in the day .. or the next day .. and that'll be that.
If people can't all pitch in and help/compromise, then, really, what's the point?
I think wayyyyy too big a deal is made of holidays and all the expectations that we allow to be heaped upon ourselves.
We used to have the "orphling" table with the big event and invite folks that didn't have holiday family to celebrate with. Husband and I enjoyed for many years and it worked because it controlled environment for our son with autism. Later, I realized that it had become expensive and a freebie for folks that complained if we didn't have huge variety of stuff that we had in the beginning. Or folks that showed up late with no addition to feast and wanted to take leftovers. Different attitudes with generation and it seemed to follow the breakdown in "family meals" overall that I've seen happening. I've decided that talking with someone and enjoying time whatever day it is beats a stressed holiday. My in-laws complain mightily, but I just can't do it any more. And the next generation coming up doesn't want to take it over. So I've quit doing it for 30 somethings that don't want to help:)
Christmas Day we had the big dinner at Gma's house. Traditional Turkey and Christmas pudding. Don't forget this was during and just after WW11 in the UK. There were silver charms and coins in the pudding and there was great excitement about who found one. Short-lived though as granny collected up all the cahrms to use for next year and then passed an envelope round so we could put our coins in to help the blind. One Christmas I remember Uncle J got some ice cream which I had never had before. Luckily it was a cold snowy day so uncle kept it frozen out in the snow. We did not own fridges, let alone freezers in those days.
Her mother in law has been over the moon with the 4 year old, and yes even when the 4 year old was a little baby. We guess, we suppose, .. it's the intimidation of two of them at once .. and it is intimidating for sure .. to those of us who don't live it daily as DD does. DD describes that if the twins get any attention at all, .. it's a basic baby talk for a minute .. as they (they being mother in law and step dad in law) then move on to other interests pretty quickly.
I'm here to agree .. it is intimidating. Until you realize that sometimes one is going to have to cry til you finish with the other one. And for someone who doesn't do that routinely as part of my day (DD does) .. it's upsetting .. I don't like to have either of them cry .. not if I can fix it. I just .. I can't fix it, if I'm working with one, and the other starts crying. We all guess therein lies the problem. It's not "babies" per se .. as some have problems with babies in general .. and wanna wait til they are bigger and can interact better. It's not "babies" that's the problem .. it's that there are two at one time .. that's what we have come up with.
Yes, if it were me, I'd probably not stick around long .. no hands to help . have to lug everything you need when there .. and ........ nothing in the way of punctuality .. I'd not stay long.
But that's up to her .. her in laws .. not mine.
I imagine having to spend the day - with someone who can’t keep a schedule- while trying to almost single handily wrangle infant twins - will be more than dd can’t handle. Especially when she knows that things would be very different with the twins other grandma.
But that's in her control .. and she chooses .. to not control it. I wouldn't have a problem forgoing their presence .. I do already .. in lieu of "ma we're going to his family this year .. for thanksgiving, but we'll see you on Christmas .. and you guys will get us for that one .. but we won't be seeing you at all on Thanksgiving". I don't have a problem in the world with that .. never have .. it's what I did all thru the years ...
I'm not the mother in all of this that has ever uttered the words, "we all live 10 minutes apart here .. it's not that hard". Those words never came out of my mouth. I think that is a sentiment owned by her mother in law. And .. because I don't wish to amp up daughter's stress level .. I don't fight it .. I just do without them at my holiday table.
It's said "if people want to spend time with you, they will make it happen, they'll find the time". Maybe she simply doesn't want to .. maybe it's just that in a nutshell.
Find that hard to believe however, as she is here .. a LOT LOT LOT .. spending time with me .. a LOT. We were just out shopping the other day .. she and I, and kids in tow .. all day and lunching out.
Because of what occurs routinely ... her presence in my life which is a mainstay .. her and the kids, I choose to think the above isn't really at play.
I think it truly does come down to .. in the end .. for her .. and her world .. to leave the other mother high and dry ... with no presence from her son (and I understand .. daughter wants to be with her husband .. and not come this way and he go his way, I get that) ... to tell her husband .. "no we're not going to your mom's this specific holiday .. I don't care that she lives 10 minutes from where my mom lives, I'm not running the streets all day .. and I WANT TO GO TO MY MOM'S".
I choose to think that fight .. that whole debacle .. is not worth the hassle it will create in her life to do so .. and the .. I don't know .. I don't know the inner workings of the in law relationship there .. would that cause the world to come to an end in that part of her corner. I don't know.
So .. what happens is what I described, routinely ... on holidays .. I may have OD here (which is always also a pleasure ... because she works so much that I don't get to see enough of her, and enjoy her company) .. I may even have YD here .. but .. routinely I do not have DD and her kids here .. that is routine, every holiday.
They may stop by later .. after they have filled their gullets to the gills .. and are miserably full and .. maybe exhausted from the day (or not . .sometimes they never do get by here) .. and usually .. DD is pizzed .. royally .. because her PREFERENCE had been to be HERE .. with HER family .. (or so she says) .. and enjoying the day HERE .. and she'd done what she could to maybe try to make that happen .. placating that they go in the direction of her husband's mom .. maybe and satisfy that requirement, but also here .. knowing full well it would be taxing and stress filled to do it. But what ends up happening is that the mother on that end, consistently runs late .. and I'm no talking 30 mins late .. really really late .. like .. hours late .. and so .. by the time all is said and done on their end, .. things are over with on this end .. and they might as well not bother.
So if they do get by here .. and they don't .. not usually .. DD is stressed out and miserable .. and taxed beyond belief by the day's events .. and her mother in law having fouled up the day entirely with her being so untimely with her prep .. and it's not really very pleasant to have them come this way.
It's not how I would have her do things. I would have her swap out holidays and I am completely fine with that .. and have said so .. numerous times ... thru the years (even before there were any g'kids in the picture). But for whatever the reasons .. that doesn't fly in her world.
So, almost always .. I may even be fortunate enough to have the other two daughters (not always in their cases either .. work gets in the way at times, .. and/or the OD has to go to her s/o's family). But .. almost always .. even if I have some variation of above, I do not have DD and company here.
But .. see above .. I see them ALL THE TIME. There are those who don't get to see their kids/g'kids .. because they live out of town. I am blessed that I don't have that as my situation .. and DD is here A LOT .. on the scene .. and/or I am at her house .. she shares her kids/life with me .. very very much. So, I don't think it's that she chooses to not come this way. I think it's just that her stress level and dealing with in laws who maybe aren't as accommodating as to it all . .maybe it's just easier to "disappoint" on this end, than it is to "fight" on that end. Who can say.
I do see them ALL THE TIME though .. and it's "just another day", I guess, in the end.
I guess there is a part of me that would like to say out loud, "okay let me get this straight ...??..... I hear you and your husband both beefing that his folks act like the twins don't exist at all, taking zero interest in them and how that hurts your feelings .. and yet she beckons you be front and center for holidays meals and you guys jump to the beat of that drum .. splain that to me .. ... you certainly don't find that in YOUR MOTHER .. shouldn't that count for something?!?!??".
But to do the above would only result in bitterness and anger ... and more stress heaped upon DD and her world. So why do that? Thus, I do not. But it does sum up . .some of what I feel. But .. people make their choices .. for any number of reasons valid and maybe not so valid. I choose to not be a PITA over it. But it does sting a bit.
Wake up before dawn to have Christmas coffee and exchange a gift with each other. Pack up the car - for what’s to come.
Drive across town to my parents place for brunch and gift exchange with our whole family. Pack up the car...
Drive further out across town to her mothers house for a somewhat early Christmas dinner and gift exchange with her entire family. Pack up the car...
Drive back across town to met their son (he had just seen them at brunch and dinner) and his small family for Christmas dessert and gift exchange - thankfully their other son came at this same time for their family get together. Pack up the car... head home.
Personally- I would have booked two tickets to Hawaii.
It's hard to make the changes as time goes on, to accept that what had "always been" is no longer. The weight of tradition just collapses. My nuclear family is very fractured and we no longer get together at Christmas, nor really any other time of the year. I do feel bad about it, but not bad enough to kill myself organizing a huge party and planning it and PAYING for it--and then less than half the people show up---NOBODY RSVP's, ever and so I never know who is coming, who isn't. Some people are embarrassingly late---yes, the 2 hour lateness is rampant in my family...and for someone to whom being 10 minutes early to everything, that is grating....
In my own "little" family, I have 5 kids, 5 spouses, 13 grandkids....so we do have to rotate and be VERY flexible with each other. This is my "off year" and I wasn't going to cook a thing--just DH and I were going out. My daughter decided that my cooking every year for the last 32 years was crazy and said "It's time for us girls (ages 40, 36, 33, and 31) to step up let you relax a little. I jumped on that bandwagon!
We HAVE to be conscious of the "other families" and not let our feelings be hurt. We have not all been together for Christmas or any other major holiday for 5 years. And we may never be in the forseeable future. I don't love that, but it is what it is.
My guess is, when my mother laments the passing of the traditions we grew up with, she is sugarcoating it in her mind. I remember her just going off the rails with anxiety and stress. It wasn't perfect. Nobody's holidays are. We put SO MUCH expectation on one or two days, and it just cannot be perfect.
I try to go with the flow. We have Christmas brunch here at noon, the kids open their gifts, we SKYPE with the families who live away, and just hang out.
I try to be understanding and invite everyone to our place and then sit back and let things happen. I can't control anything, except how I react....so....I'm working on lowering my expectations of the holidays. Each one is different from the rest, there are a very few "traditions" and we just try to enjoy the company of whomever we do get to see.
So far, my kids have been really good to split their time with the families. We have a little struggle with our DIL, as her family all lives 50 miles north of us and they are also a "divorced family" so she has to try to see her dad and his wife, her mom and her hubby--plus myriad cousins and such. My son hates being with her family, but he does his part.
I heave a sigh of relief on Jan 1--actually the tree comes down Dec. 26th....yep, I'm one of those. Don't love January and the snow---but it's a quiet break from the nonstop partying that begins in October!
Dorker--I think you're already stressed about SIL's upcoming Christmas visit--and you are right to have no expectations that she will actually follow through with moving MIL to her state...actually, it would be time better spent getting MIL ready to move to a NH closer to your family, who obviously care more for her!! Just stick to your "disengaged" state and enjoy the holidays with whomever shows up.
My son jokingly says (all the time!) "The key to a happy life is lowered expectations". Maybe he's on to something!!
My DH and I had 3 sets of parents who wrangled with us about each and every holiday. We rotated. But this caused problems too - if one of the set of adults could't do one then they expected the next holiday and it got to be a mess. I hated it. Lugging our son either across country flying during busy and snowy season - delays/cancellations. Or on the road six hours. Just so someone could have a Norman Rockwell holiday which it wasn't and never was. There are just too many expectations around holidays and emotions run high. My In Laws guilt tripped, my mom played the martyr, and my dad blew his top.
When our son was two - we said "no more" Holidays are at home us setting our own traditions. The only holiday we travel for now is christmas and we do it on another date than Christmas. There are other siblings and it is just easier for all of us to get together the Sunday after christmas or whatever. OUR stress levels have gone way down, we love the holidays, and we love the sharing with our son.
My In laws are coming on Wednesday for Thanksgiving and leaving on Friday. They have already started complaining about the menu. Yes, we are having Turkey and cranberry sauce and stuffing - but they want to find out HOW i am preparing all of the above so they can make sure i do it the way they want. Are you surprised that i'm dreading Thursday? My husband told them that if they want to order the food he can recommend a restaurant otherwise the meal preparation is our choice and we are not going to review it or debate it with them.
You are doing the right thing even though your feelings are hurt. Your daughter knows and will remember with love the way you helped with her children and also were understanding of her life and stresses and didn't push her on them. Trust me - she is grateful. I know it seems a little ridiculous that she can't tell her inlaws - we are having dinner this year at mom's, but we've all been there where the stress is so much that we can't deal with it all and just say "f - it!!" and try to get through it.
You are being the adult and gracious one in all of this. Good for you.
We just had DD and company the other night, for dinner, in celebration of her husband's 30th bday. The whole shebang of them. Difference being, YD wasn't here (she won't be here on t-giving either, has to work), nor was OD here and her s/o .. having to work (she will be here on t-giving).
Very much the reality that things change .. people have their own lives and responsibilities and it's not the Norman Rockwell holidays that one might picture. Probably never was.
I have great memories growing up myself, of all the family gathering at my granny's house .. complete with dozens of cousins .. and aunts and uncles. My granny absolutely loved having everyone, .. she lived for it. I'm cut, kind from that same mold (not as good as she was though).
It's kinda like .. for me anyway .. if I let myself go there (I don't) .. it's almost as if I wish that DD would say, . "gee . ya know .. who is it that's there for me, it's damn sure not my mother in law .. who pays no mind at all to the twins .. ever .. walks right past them when they are in her presence, never even acknowledging either one .. and that hurts me terribly ... who is it that I can call on and DO CALL ON ROUTINELY . it's MY MOM ... so .. ya know ... she can go pound sand .. we'll see HER for dessert .. not my mom, .. I'm going to make it a point to be at MY MOM'S table ... MY MOM is the one I can count on and she thoroughly enjoys ALL of us .. not just the 4 yo".
That has never happened, and it won't. To leave them .. and not go in their direction, .. there are no other children (well the stepdad has kids .. grown kids . two of them .. they live in another state and rarely visit .. and there are tensions there .. tensions rooted in what .. I don't know .. none of my business ... and so they rarely come around and when they do, it usually doesn't end well) .. and so there is only DD's husband .. and so if they skip out on their presence there .. it's just the bio mom there and her mother, .. and the stepdad .. nobody else. I guess that's a prospect that maybe is too sad to ponder.
It was this way before they even had kids .. I guess .. who knows .. maybe BECAUSE he is an only child. To leave them to their own .. sans his presence .. just too sad. I don't really know.
And yes, it's going to get increasingly harder for them to be all things to all people on any given holiday now that they have 3 kids. I knew that would be the case as their family grows.
If I were her .. I'd probably tell all of us, "I'm staying home and we're eating PBJ's .. we're not going ANYWHERE".
I can't imagine having to lug three kids around and try to eat and be merry .. all in one day. I never had to do that. I had 3 sets of parents here through the years that my kids were growing up. DH's .. and my mom and her husband and my dad and his wife ..
Somehow we juggled it by alternating .. and/or staying home to do out own thing. Maybe mom didn't get to see all of us at her Easter table ... but she maybe had us at her Xmas table, that kinda thing.
We managed it, through the years, as millions of other families do .. or we stayed home and did our own thing .. and invited whomever of the above to come here.
I guess that would be what I would hope would be the case with DD and family .. what she saw modeled. But I don't guess that's how her world operates. It does make me sad .. that it seems I never get to enjoy them .. at the table of a holiday meal .. they are running .. usually hither and yon and stressed out and too full to eat if they get here, (IF they get here, which they sometimes don't, at all .. too stressed and they get held up at her MIL's .. who can't get anything done on time) .. and so they scrap the rest of the day once done there, and go home (I would too, if her in her shoes). Full/stressed/tired .. I'd go home too.
What I'd do though, is alternate. That's what I did do .. all the years my kids were growing up. But neither DH nor myself are an only child.
I have to just wrap my brain around the reasons for the season .. and be grateful for those .. and the realization that I DO get to see them ... (sometimes) more than I'd like.
As for MIL and the fact there have been no more calamities recently. I can only attribute that to the following. Remember, forever and ever .. she absolutely staunchly refused MOW .. wouldn't even hear of it.
That has changed. She now takes MOW. She is eating better. At one time, . her condition seemed to perpetually rotate around her lack of adequate nutrition .. and she thought it sufficient to exist on a grape or two and a cracker. That's no longer the case. So, .. at least on that front, her nutrition is better seen to. Thus, she isn't rotating around being sick, eating the wrong things .. being weak. etc.
As to not taking her meds, which was also routinely an issue, causing the edema and cellulitis ...
I have no idea if that is now being seen to better than it was. It seems it must be, because I don't hear a lot of squawking that she needs to go to the doctor .. that the swelling is so bad. That used to be the case ..very much so .. and the whole thing over and over and over .. and the doc telling her if she's not going to take the diuretic .. she needs to wear support hose. If I heard that once, it seems it was a thousand times, as we'd go off again .. in pursuit of help with her swelling lower extremities, etc.
Seems there is maybe some better management of the above than used to be the case. I can only attribute that to .. (and that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn .. and I'm not .. believe me, I AM NOT *all that and a bag'o'chips* as they say). Maybe there has been some realization and recognition of the fact that Dorker has stepped off in a big way and is no longer in the roads to satisfy the whims of this whole dilemma .. period. And absent Dorker's willingness/ability to do so .. there is no one else. There truly is no one else ... that is the fact. YD does help .. and has taken MIL to a few doc appts .. but YD works .. and so her availability is limited. She is the only other soul that can be called upon .. and chances are real high .. you might put in a call to her, .. not knowing her schedule, and find she is at work, and can't be called upon. There's her son ... but he too .. he's working .. and can't be in the road all the time in pursuit of fools errands .. (MIL's refusal to see about her diuretic which then causes a host of problems). The housekeeper has been called upon a few times .. by SIL . .for routine doc visits. But the housekeeper, she too .. not someone who can drop at the dime .. and run pick up MIL and have her seen at a doc ... she has other houses to clean .. that's what she does for a living. And .. I happened to have run into her at the tire store and her telling me she has picked up another client or two which is going to limit her availability to haul MIL to doc appts.
There truly is no one else .. there's no one else that is in this orbit .. that can drop and deal with it all.
Has there been some recognition and realization on MIL's part that she better see to her meds .. and keep that more in check .. because Dorker is no longer at the ready . to run the roads and there isn't anyone else to do it.
Is that what has made the difference? I don't really know, but it's the only conclusion I can come to, either that or .. she's sitting out there with the worst case of cellulitis and swollen lower extremities known to man .. and no one knows it. Her son surely wouldn't .. he is too busy doing churching stuff .. when he isn't working .. (yes said with much sarcasm) .. he certainly isn't attending to his mother!
Whatever it is that has made the difference .. I'm grateful. Very. For her, and for the rest of us.
Something has made a difference .. just not sure if I'm right in what my assessment is of it all.
But things change and we don’t have any control over it. People pass away, relationships collapse, and more often than not as adults we have to cope with attitudes, traditions etc just going “poof”.
I must admit that I do have such great memories of holidays past so make me long for those, when for the past 20 years or so, holidays have been just “so-so” if not more disappointing.
I have worked at letting this go too, Dorker, and while it is heartbreaking (and it still is to me if I allow it to be) I have sort of accepted that my holidays going forward will never be that way anymore.
I too love this time of year, but my having such huge expectations of “what should be” seriously get in the way of my having the enjoyment I had growing up.
I personally feel much better when they are over. I can get too overwhelmed with yearning for the past thus I shut it out & breath a sigh of relief come January 1. That time is gone. I was lucky to have all those years but they are, again, gone & over.
What gets me through now is my faith. Of remembering what Christmas means - new beginnings and restoration of the feeing of “new”; the birth of the Christchild, the 3 Kings, the Star above the manger. Corny but works for me; it HAS to, or I will devolve into depression from living in the past- one that’s long g o n e.
I can understand how you feel; doesn’t it stink how life, relationships and reality “muck” it up for us? So we have to be the adults in the room & trudge through it all.
Our daughter had the good sense to stop that once her daughter was born. Our daughter sometimes had dinner at one house, dessert at the other. One year, we had Thanksgiving dinner with the grandparents and our family. The next day, we had leftovers with all of our kids. On years that our daughter and family were going to be out of town for Christmas, we had a holiday meal all together the Sunday before they left, right down to presents. We all agreed that we were fine with flexing days, just so we could be together as always.
I know that celebrating on the day is important to you, but with adult kids, adapting traditions helps relieve the stress while maintaining the important part....being together.
He happens to have some pretty bad tremors .. as a result of the strong drugs he has to take, .. he also is prone to, at times, go manic .. and when he is manic, he talks incessantly (quite the opposite of his normal demeanor). Things MIL finds grating and hard to tolerate. The tremors make it such that SIL has to do things for him, like pour his coffee and set it in front of him .. cut his meat on his plate, .. peel an orange for him, things like that. MIL would have it that her poor daughter's plight is one of having to look after this shell of a human being that is her husband.
An assessment that is, by all involved, thought to be incorrect on MIL's part. SIL is married to this guy .. he is bipolar, he is diabetic .. and so eats all the wrong things when manic, and has to be policed not to do so (as you would a child). But he isn't "always" manic, in fact, he "is not" manic, far more than he is manic. If you were to ask MIL she'd tell you that her poor poor daughter's life has been relegated to the care of this shell of a human in her husband. That isn't the same assessment that anyone else in the whole thing would assign to what is seen.
SIL is first and foremost a wart, and caretaker through and through. If she didn't have her husband to police and monitor so vigilantly .. she'd probably have a whole bunch of cats or dogs to look after and their varying maladies being policed and monitored. SIL is not unhappy, in the slightest with her life. Not one iota. SIL and her husband still enjoy life, they travel, they go out to dinner, they gather with friends, they go to the gym, they go to their church, they go to museums and art exhibits/concerts .. all .. things normal people do. She is happy.
I've tried to talk to MIL at length to get her to see the above, and she doesn't see things through the same prism I do .. the same prism everyone else sees.
Don't know why. The man has been this way almost since they married, nearly 40 years ago ... and MIL used to, .. in the years their kids were being raised .. g'kids to MIL .. she'd travel there and spend a couple of weeks on the premises there .. and it didn't seem so bothersome to her, or maybe it was, but she was better able to filter her words in those years. I don't really know.
SIL suspects that it's jealousy on her mom's part. That her mom resents the husband and his many needs .. which then take away from SIL who would spend every waking moment in worry and gnashing of teeth over her mother's plight. I don't think so .. I think MIL .. for the most part, finds SIL annoying with all her wringing of her hands, and gnashing of her teeth and worriation.
I've long since given up on even any dialogue on the topic. I can't figure it out, and it's not mine to do so with it.
I rarely even entertain the topic when it comes up any more.
But yes, SIL is bringing husband for the xmas visit. And SIL's words as to bringing her mother back to her home .. "I'm going to work on mom, to see about maybe coming back in the spring to get her .. certainly after winter is over".
I didn't even engage when those words were said to me, just changed the subject.
The above premise still has the propensity .. even after all these months .. to cause in me, anguish and anger. Their mother has needed help .. for a long time .. not in the spring of 2018. The whole premise that they will approach it in the spring of 2018 .. (if they even do) .. it just is nonsensical to me. I can't even go there, and discuss it, and I don't. Whatever they do, they do.
What I do, is what I do .. which is to disengage from it all. That, . .has been a hard enough feat to accomplish but I'm well on my way.
Yes, that is a hard part for me, .. watching the two of them, DH and his sister both .. so ... oh I don't know, don't even know how to articulate it, other than SIL .. you would think she is the most attentive .. and *get it done* sort that ever walked the face of the earth .. calling and ck'ing in on her mom 3 and 4 x's daily and if there is an issue du jour, she's on it like stink on a monkey .. solving it ... (used to be putting some of it in my ear to help with, that no longer occurs, thankfully). Yet, the last time she was here, .. her flight left the beginning of August. I don't happen to agree with the fact that her mother . in her state of being .. is "fine" to be left to manage on her own .. for all these months .. til she gets back here now, at what will be xmas.
But that's the very thing that used to cause me to get so overwrought in it all. I can't change any of it, that's been made abundantly apparent .. so what I can change, I do. Disengage.
So I don't know .. it would appear that her daughter is very much "engaged" and working that front .. but I think it's piss poor that she gets here so seldom .. and when she does . it's for a period of a couple of weeks, and usually with some fools errands involved (superficial vein ablation or whatever that was). She runs on that hamster wheel, when here, at full tilt .. and doesn't stop .. never actually stopping to address what needs addressing. That her mother needs more full time support.
Her son .. my husband .. very much on the periphery of it all, and quite comfortable there and budging him to do otherwise, .. resulted in far too many disagreements when I was front and center and trying to do the above. I no longer do that either.
MIL's birthday .. I did apply pressure there ..
Maybe some of that, . maybe it's on me. Holidays and special occasions .. they are important to me, it's how I'm made. I try to mark everyone's birthday . those in my orbit .. with some note. It would break my heart .. if no one cared when my birthday rolls around, .. or a holiday rolls around and I sat here alone. That doesn't sit well with me, .. so maybe it's on me . .that I feel the way I do, and maybe MIL could care less ..
After all these years .. I truly don't know whether she is just ambivalent about special occasions such as birthdays and/or holidays .. or whether she is .. as she is doing this time, playing the Martyr card to a "t". I truly don't know.
That, I can't control either. I can only control "me". I've done what I can .. to at least satisfy my own emotional baggage as to what should occur as to holidays and celebrations. I'm not going to beg .. the offer is there .. if she'd prefer to stay home alone, just she and her dog .. maybe that does, in her, come from a place of that suits her just dandy .. I truly don't know. Maybe it is from a space of wanting to play that Martyr card. I can't honestly answer what the basis of it all might be. But I can do what sits right with my own conscious .. and then let it go .. which is what I've done.
This is all my favorite time of year. The Fall of the year when the weather turns a little crisp outside and .. at least north of here, the change of scenery .. and then the festive holidays .. Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's all .. a favorite time of year for me, more so than spring and definitely more so than the dread of long hot humid summers.
I've been busy planning my Thanksgiving menu .. and buying the g'babies .. their xmas outfits .. and clothing for the upcoming cooler weather. It's what I do, it brings me joy.
Going to be making a caramel apple sangria to go with Thanksgiving .. that excites me, and a new recipe for a cranberry relish. There's not a whole lot that I'm good at, but cooking, I'm good at. And I enjoy it.
So this time of year, is a real joy for me.
The one drawback . but oh well, .. it is what it is. It will likely only be OD (oldest daughter) and her s/o for thanksgiving .. as well as DH. YD has to work.
DD (mother of twins and 4 yo) .. that's a whole sad situation that I wish I could change, but I can't. Her family lives here . of course. So does her husband's family. He is an only child.
They have been married now .. oh I don't know, like 8 years.
Most couples .. specifically .. if they don't stay home and do their own thing sans any extended family involvement at all, . they swap out holidays . perhaps do xmas at her mom's and thanksgiving at his, or vice versa.... and more to the point, when all involved live within 10 mins of each other. Not DD .. nope.
It's what I've done all through the years .. having DH's parents here locally .. as well as my own. Either we stayed home and did our own thing .. or we swapped out which set of parents got us on what holiday. Doesn't seem that's possible in DD's case .. and it saddens me.
Specifically when you know that on the other end, (her husband's folks . that live here, .. a bio mom and stepdad) .. there is real beef on the part of DD and her husband that the twins, get zero attention .. from those parents. They seem to be very intimidated .. not sure what the problem is, because they have been nothing but over the moon through the years .. over the now 4 yo g'daughter and very much attentive to her. But the twins have come along .. and there seems to be some real beef with the fact they pay zero attention to them .. walk into the room where a twin is being held by one of them and walk right past, never coo'ing or paying any attention at all. Contrary to what DD has in me, .. steps up .. on my own (as DD says .. there are 3 people on the face of the planet I can leave the twins with .. that will solely care for them .. that is me .. her mom .. and her husband's g'ma .. in TN .. not local and herself, .. that comprises the 3 people on the face of the planet that will brave being left alone with two babies to care for them solely . with no help). Her husband's parents .. so they say .. are very checked out with regard to any attention given to the twins.
So with that in mind, it does make it sting a little that the status quo as to holidays will continue going forward, as it's been for all of their married lives. Xmas/Easter/Thanksgiving .. you name it. They have their get together . her husband's mom . and step dad .. (there are no other kids, her husband is an only child).
It does sting a little when this happens continually, but I guess .. I just have to lump it, not much I can do about it.
Here's what happens:
I don't know whether there is DEMAND they don't wish to buck .. it's been said .. "we all live 10 mins from each other, . it's not that hard to do". So .. that mother plans her festivities .. oh usually pretty early (as in this year, it will be a noon serving of Thanksgiving) .. problem is, the woman will be late for her own funeral .. she can never be on time .. and that includes when plans are on the radar to pick up the 4 yo for whatever .. she is notoriously late, for everything she ever does ... really really late. So .. they will go in that direction to join in festivities there .. at what is supposed to be noon. I will get a text from DD .. oh about 1:30 or 2:00 .. "I am so frustrated .. we got here at 11 .. and they hadn't even put the turkey in yet .. they weren't ready .. here it is about 2 and I'm supposed to be at your house .. but the turkey isn't even out of the oven, they aren't even ready .. I'm so frustrated, I hate holidays . they are so stress filled".
This .. the above .. happens time and time and time and time again.
Routinely.
Now there are two schools of thought. One being ... oh well it's just another day really, in the end, they live right there, you see them at will .. whenever you want .. what does it matter in the end. Or the other school of thought, which is kinda where my heart falls .. and I have to fight to ascribe to the former .. Holidays are important to me, to have family around, .. if they are able .. and not out of town or working .. and wish to be a part of the scene here, it matters to me.
I've been left without DD and her family at holiday celebrations more times than I can count, and it hurts. For the above reasons.
I've even tried to combine holidays and hosted them (never reciprocated by them) .. but that notoriously late thing ... they were invited to an xmas dinner, .. and showed up 2 1/2 hours late .. and then went and sat . by themselves in the den .. just she and her husband (the mother of DD's husband). Not being social. She forgets to bring the things assigned to her and/or brings the wrong thing .. I've tried .. more than once. Finally threw in the towel on trying to do any combined holiday celebration for the above reasons.
It's hurtful .. all holidays that roll around, get the above .. If I see them at all on a holiday dinner, be that Easter or Xmas or whatever .. if I get to see them at all, it is CERTAINLY never at the table while we are all gathered .. they are usually held up at his mom's house at that hour . .and then when they do get here .. if they even do .. they are taxed and stressed from having been over there the whole time .. and they are full, they've already eaten .. and so that's that.
And yes, I've approached it with DD and told her that it's hurtful to me, that holidays .. as she knows .. she knows me, they matter to me ..
Her answer .. (not combative .. not argumentative) "Mom what would you have me to do .. I mean .. they are of the notion . .we all live 10 mins from each other, it's not that hard to do .. just do it .. that's their notion .. and it's not worth fighting with them .. and causing problems .. he is their only child .. and .. so if we aren't there .. how sad is that for them .. that it's just the two of them and her mom .. that's it ... I hate holidays .. I know you love them, but I HATE THEM .. I'd rather work .. it's too stressful to have to be everywhere and everything to everyone in one day .. I want to be with my family, he wants to be with his .. what would you have me to do ... "
I have answered that, "do what millions of other couples do .. they divide up holidays ..???....". Her answer to that: "It's just not that easy .. not when we all live 10 minutes from each other ... I mean I can call her . and tell her .. *now you have to be on time .. now darnit .. my mom always gets the short end of the stick, because you guys can't ever get anything done on time* .. and she will assure .. oh yes .. oh definitely .. yes .. by all means, yes .. we will be ON TIME .. for sure. But then she won't .. and then what, show my ass .. and tell her, well sorry yours isn't ready .. we're leaving, told mom we'd be there at 2 .. so we're outta here".
I answered that, "No, of course not, I wouldn't have you be a horse's ass to anyone .. but for whatever it's worth .. just know . it does make me sad that every holiday .. we get the short end of the stick ... it does matter to me".
That ended the dialogue mostly. So I just have to lump it. It does .. cast a bit of a sadness over the occasion, .. each one that rolls around, as the above is the norm as to what happens. I fight it, .. and just tell myself .. oh well, they live here, it's not like they live out of town and I never see them, I can see them at will .. really .. truly .. and so .. it's just another day .. I'll see em another day". I do have to fight it and tell myself that. It's all I can do.
I don't know, . on some level .. I guess .. I wish that they were the ones that had to do without .. especially since they show zero interest in the babies, .. quite the opposite of what happens in her mother. But that's not what occurs.
It's amazing that MIL hasn't had a medical crisis in the past few weeks. I think many of us thought a medical crisis would have occurred by now.
You are doing such a good job in staying out of it all and maintaining your new boundaries!