I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
As someone said above succinctly, don’t care more than DH OR his sister. I agree that SIL is assuaging HER guilt by guilting you.
You made the offer, MIL refused, end of story.
It is what is is. My MIL too played the martyr card in situations as yours when she still lived in her home before she had to be sent to AL. But it wasn’t my mother, it was easy for me to just let it be. My relationship with my mom was perfectly fine during this; if my in-laws were ok with playing MIL’s mind games (which may be not even mind games) fine with me. Been in that family long enough to know to step out & let it be.
Let it go. You are doing fine.
What must hurt more is witnessing the abject disregard/non caring attitude of your husband & sister. They have clearly made their plans/decisions/etc and none of their plans include their mother.
Too bad, so sad, but not your problem.
MIL is stubborn and due to that she will be alone. Her choice.
Moving the dinner to her home? No way. If MIL was not so self centered, she would perhaps relish the opportunity for someone to come get her for dinner to be involved in the family’s warmth of a Thanksgiving dinner. Not much you can do as you offered & she declined.
Yes, call her the day before to see if she changes her mind, and re-extend the offer only for your own comfort, so you can rest assured she is aware she is welcome to come over even though you discussed it on her B-day; you will feel better for asking just in case her short term memory did indeed fail. Personally I am confident the martyr complex is at work here...OR MIL either IS truly comfortable to stay home alone but me thinks she is playing the “M” card. Whichever, she is an adult. Cutting off her nose to spite her face? Maybe. You are over it and can’t/won’t ever know what her reasoning is. Whichever, but it’s HER decision.
So SIL is coming for Christmas, I assume from your post? Oh boy, keep the cyclone over there...that’s a relief for you, at least.
Will she take her mother home until March? Not likely, I’ll bet, as no one of her children has any sort of plan to assure THEIR mother is safe. Their choice - DH & SIL.
You’ve reached a comfort level with all of this, I can see. Carry on!
I am happy for it, because it’s evident her children don’t give a hoot enough to make any effort to change it. You’ve done your part for years....it’s their turn. They chose to ignore her & are waiting for some sort of disaster to act. Easy to see why you are so done with it.
Something to think about in the future, Dorker. We also tended to have "Second Thanksgiving" and "Second Christmas" each year, so that we could be with our own families on the "actual" day and have another celebration, usually the weekend before or following.
Of course, this is dependent upon having a family that isn't all about "show", so with MIL, you may be out of luck in pitching something like this.
Happy Thanksgiving, Dorker!
Even if we'd of gone to the church function, we'd of taken MIL a plate if she wishes, and she is more than welcome to attend, if we'd of gone in that direction or not .. she can attend on her own, if she so desires.
I do think, it's possible, that MIL angled to maybe get more attention paid to the matter, .. in the hope that maybe Dorker would do as Dorker has done so many times before, move the circus to her house, complete with cleaning the house, .. ironing the tablecloth and dinner napkins ahead of time, and dragging out the fine china and so forth and so on, and prepare the meal, host it, clean it up, .. go get it all at the store, etc etc.
That isn't an option. MIL would very much enjoy having everyone at her house. But I'm not doing that any longer. She's welcome to come to our house, we'll even go get her, or send someone to go get her and take her back home, and she doesn't have to lift a finger when here. But if she opts to stay home, the martyr .. and play the *poor poor pitiful me* greeting the MOW driver at the door, explaining she'll be all alone .. that's certainly her choice.
I do know, just from being with her, for her bday .. it's getting harder and harder for her to get around (as if it wasn't already nearly impossible). It seems it's getting even worse.
But back to my original point in all of this, to begin with .. she needs more help ... she needs a more structured setting. She has every right to refuse that .. and her kids have every right to refuse to try to persuade otherwise. But I also have the right .. to not have to put myself out .. anymore than her grown kids are willing/able to do .. for the first time in umpteen years .. and it's fine with me, to not do so any longer.
I'm not mad .. not angry .. it's just .. the way things are now. Boundaries. I'm respecting their boundaries as to allowing their mother the latitude to continue to live alone and in fact, MIL herself .. and her boundaries on that decision. All I ask is that mine also be respected. I'm no longer jumping to he beat of that drum. It's that simple.
It feels better to have reached a healthier distance from it all. It truly does.
I still get angry .. such as when SIL sent that nonsense that her mom was asking (why is she asking her .. 1K miles away .. we live here in the same city, 20 mins from her .. she can pick up the phone and ask one of us). That kinda buffoonery ... (manipulation) still strikes a chord with me, .. and fast. Pick up the phone and call one of us and ask .. if there's no ulterior motive there .. then pick up the phone and ask what our plans are. I had already discussed those plans with her, she interacted as part of that dialogue .. so I know she heard me. So the above .. that can still strike a spark in me, pretty fast. Maybe some day, that too, .. will be no emotional baggage with it, and just a non-event. One can hope.
I think you're there! Well done hugs.
“I’m done with all these doctor appointments- not gonna do any of it any longer - and btw - I’m ready for AL...”.
Statements of which, neither having the slightest meaning of what they sound like they should mean...
Turning a corner in that, it's her choice. The offer has been made. If she'd rather the MOW folks bring her a meal .. and who knows fawn over the poor plight that this lonely old woman sits alone . so be it. Her choice. It's not like she has to sit there, all alone.
And as for the possibility of some huge calamity .. something that upends things on our part. DH already has on his radar .. he's to leave town after the day's festivities .. and go hunting for the weekend. So, if anybody's plans get upended, it won't be mine.
Yes redefining boundaries indeed. And it finally feels like just that. Not a place of being mean .. not a place of abandoning anyone .. but just simple boundaries .. definition of same.
I don't think for a minute that MIL was all up in arms over "what are H's plans and Dorker, .. I don't know of any plans on their end, oh my". Wringing her hands. I don't think that was the case at all.
I think more what was at play there .. SIL .. not here to attend to her mother on an important holiday .. worried her mother would be abandoned as to any attention and fanfare for the day. I would bet money .. MIL hadn't likely expressed any concern whatsoever on the topic. It was SIL .. guilt .. her so far away .. and an important date .. not wanting that her mother be completely abandoned.
Attempts at micro-managing from afar .. continue. Only they don't come, not any longer, with the emotional baggage they once did on my end. I had already covered that ground with MIL in our trip to go out for her bday .. and was comfortable with the dialogue that transpired at the time.
Am comfortable with her decision (via what I hear from DH), to stay home, just she and her dog . .and their MOW delivery for the day.
I will call her, perhaps the day before, to touch base and check in, and see if she has changed her mind, just to be courteous . .in case she indeed has changed her mind and would like a different set up for the day. If not, so be it. Her choice.
Also .. just as a side note, .. YD has taken her to a couple of doc appointments in the last couple of weeks but I've not heard any complaint from YD on the whole thing and if she does complain .. that's on her .. she can say no .. to requests for above. If not .. then don't complain.
And it doesn't matter. Even at the time you extended the invitation she was ambivalent about accepting it because she wasn't sure she'd be up to it. She's now decided she isn't up to it, and other good arrangements have been made. It's all fine.
And SIL sent the text to DH and to you, as a courtesy, and you were quite right to leave him to respond, and it isn't your fault he didn't, and you cleared that minor point up perfectly courteously with SIL, and all is fine there too. And by the way SIL was right to copy you in: you don't want it to be left to DH to keep you in the loop about logistics - and that's not a question, you really *don't*. Can you imagine the mayhem over Christmas if he was the Informed One?
OMGosh---having the church bring this poor lonely old soul some food on t-giving b/c she has no one to fuss her (please!) that's just pathetic.
Glad you are stepping back and staying back. I'd like to think that SIL's upcoming visit will elicit some changes, but we all know it won't. Oh well, at least you're out of it.
Don't forget, though, that she has a pretty regular routine of falling to pieces when you have a family gathering....expect that to happen. A fall, a sick dog, whatever. I sincerely hope not, but be aware she's certainly done that before. And then DH is having to run over there and pat her hand.
Good Luck!
happiness while not really doing anything to make our lives easier.
She contacted her daughter to lay the groundwork for you to rush to call her and make sure she was being catered to for Tgiving. They didn’ get to be this old being stupid!!!lol DH is perfectly willing for you to handle all this messy stuff. Good for you! You are responsible for your own happiness and I’m glad to see you’re
Taking a stand. Wait and see how long it takes DH and SIL to decide she needs more care than they want to provide!! Have a Great Thanksgiving and enjoy your daughter and grandkids! My
son and DIL have a 5 yr old girl and 9mos old twin boys!!! She will definitely need you!
The only "latest" drama .. if you want to call it that .. and I do.
Picture this. We did take MIL for her bday dinner. On the ride there, I mentioned to her that I'd be cooking t-giving at my house .. if she'd like us to come get her, or bring her a plate. Her response, (so she did hear me, she interacted) was along the lines, that she never knows from one day to the next whether she will be up to it .. but we'll see. Fine .. offer made.
Fast forward to about a week ago (past the point we'd taken MIL for her bday dinner) . .. I get what is a group text, to me and to DH. She is, in this text, informing us of her flight #, and dates, times, etc .. and the return and such .. and that she will likely come again in March .. but hasn't gotten that far.
I never answered that text.
It was sent to her brother and to me. He can respond .. or not. Up to him. I didn't respond.
Fast forward several days later, another text (she never got a response from either of us on the above) .. another text sent, this one only to me. "Did you get my text the other night about my flight for xmas". I responded, .. "I did, I had hoped you'd spoken to your brother". Response from her: "No, I never heard from him". Me: "Sorry about that, I was working when you sent the text the other day and so I didn't respond".
Next missive from her: "What are you guys doing for t-giving".
(my translation of above .. intended or not, who knows) .. *will you see about my mother please*. I don't know if that was her intent .. but that's how I took it.
I responded, "I'm cooking here".
Next text from her: "Oh okay .. I'll tell mom, she was asking if I knew what the plans were on your end".
***See, even more why I translate the above to .. *will you look after my mother on t-giving* .. the underlying theme in it, my assertion anyway .. intended that way, who knows.
I responded: "Odd, . .don't know why she'd be asking that of you, we're here .. she can ask us .. but I told her our plans when we took her to dinner".
SIL: "That's odd, .. she was asking me, . .the last few times I've talked to her".
Me: "Yes, .. strange .. I told her I'd be cooking and we'd either come get her, or bring her a plate, she answered that she never knows from one day to the next whether she will feel up to it, so she did hear me".
SIL: "Weird".
Me: "Yep. I gotta head to bed, gotta work tomorrow".
That was that.
Since that time, .. DH informs me today .. that he spoke with MIL today and that she doesn't want to be picked up for t-giving .. that she's been in touch with MIL and a local catholic hospital is preparing their meals for t-giving and so she will just receive her t-giving meal from the and stay home. I asked of DH, "she doesn't want us to bring her a plate even?". DH: No, said she will be just fine there with her MOW t-giving dinner, just she and her dog".
Me: "Hmm.. okay ..???...."
That was that, ... end of discussion.
Dorker - how are you doing?
I am much encouraged by your post to Vickie. Thank you for writing it. You may not like the way MIL chooses to live, you may not like the method her children choose to relate to their mother but you do now understand that it is not for you to decide but for them to decide. AND THAT your approval or dissaproval is beside the point. I truly believe that when you totally let go you will find an acceptance and a peace with the whole situation. You have been holding your breath. Let it out. Trust them. Breath in acceptance and understanding. Breath out judgment and condemnation. Breath in love and breath out fear. That's all there is you know. Love and fear. Understand that ALL of you are having this great opportunity to grow. This is not just happening to you. You made it happen but it is a gift for the entire family. An opportunity to grow and most growth is painful until it isn't.
You know DH and SIL are not so different from you. They know what they can and can't do. Even MIL fits that mold. It's kind of like hearding cats with all of you but each has a clear cut position and somehow they all must be honored AND not at your expense! But not at theirs either.
You fought for the right to step away and they have resisted being pushed forward. All legitimate. Let go. Breath. Trust.
At some point when there seems to be more balance in the situation it might feel safe to do more hands on but for now let go and breath.
I'm very happy for you.
But that's just what I've done. Precisely what I've done. Back up and out of it, with regard to her social outlet (has none otherwise) and her errand runner (has none, otherwise) her transport and advocate for doc visits/procedures .. etc etc.
I have backed out of it. It had been my hope that her kids (my husband is her adult son) .. and his sister would step up in a larger way and perhaps persuade her that she needs a more secure setting. Her needs increasingly growing. That hasn't occurred. Doesn't look as though it will either.
She remains .. living alone, frail and vulnerable .. and lonely. But by her own choice .. she does NOT .. did I say DOES NOT .. she DOES NOT want to leave her home. And she is of supposed sound mind, thus no one can force otherwise (not that her grown kids have tried real hard anyway).
Been a painful and sometimes eye-opening journey for me. I was on the front for a very long time, in her care (she never lived with me, but running the roads constantly).
I do care about her, thus the almost 2000 posts .. trying to get it through my thick skull .. the only person I can change in any of this, is me. And that I've done .. it's a work in progress for certain.
IT sucks but you get old and you have to do what you have to do!
Why should you be so distraught over MIL??? What about you!!!
Your daughter!! Your grandchildren!!! Don't miss your life taking care of someone who has already lived theirs!!!
I wonder if feeling so stressed about what's going on with MIL is simply an after-effect of not being in the thick of it? It'll get better, you know. And I'm glad she did have a nice birthday after all.
By the way, that thing about her sending you the equivalent of a 'with compliments' slip for your birthday. Another way to look at it is that at this stage in her chronic disease it's quite impressive that she managed anything at all. Make allowances for how worn out her brain is, and the extra effort she has to put in to get even close to normal.
MIL thoroughly enjoyed her bday celebratory dinner out.
I don't know if he did what he did do finally .. because he knew I was displeased .. or if he'd of done so anyway ..
I am pleased that he took the initiative to see to it.
Even though MIL and her recognition of my bday a mere week ago . was less than what has been the case for years and years and years ... still .. the thought that she'd not have any family that lives here in town .. spend any time at all to recognize her bday .. was hurtful to me.
I know .. I know .. I know ....
If her kids don't care, then find that switch and turn off the "care" ..
Easier said than done .. in my case, I suppose.
It was a real struggle for her .. as she said . .she can "barely" go anymore (and that was true). But she did seem to so enjoy being surrounded by the babies and the 4 yo .. as well as our daughters.
Who knows if she'll see another bday .. but at least this one . though it was late .. was marked. And for that I'm glad. Even though the whole situation confounds me .. and I'm not stepping in it all again .. ever.
I suppose had this day come and gone, with no steps taken to address any of it, I'd of been sitting here wrapping my brain and (heart) around it .. as best I could.
Thankfully, that wasn't the case.
My husband has Asperger's and in addition grew up in a dysfunctional family. Through some very hard work with a therapist he learned a lot about himself and I learned a lot about him. He finds emotional connections EXTREMELY stressful. Especially if there is any uncertainty involved, or if there are crowds involved. His best method of dealing with this is escape. Either into sleep (he used to spend most of every holiday snoring on the couch) or into his room or for him best of all, into his special interest, which for him is programming.
Being surrounded by disfunction, especially at a young age, can actually change the wiring in the brain. So it isn't a character defect, it is a difference in the way the brain works.
This is not weakness on his part, or not caring on his part. In fact he cares very deeply. But his body literally cannot handle being in uncertain, or emotional situations. And that includes good emotions or happy times like holidays.
My husband tried for years to participate, and as a result would usually get sick every holiday. The stress on his body beat down his immune system and he would get bronchitis. And digestive problems on top of that. Now that we have realized that he cannot handle it he usually hides for most of the holidays. He will show up, if he feels able, for a brief time. But then retreats. We all know he cares, and loves us, but that his brain and body need the escape. And it has been a relief for me not to have expectations surrounding his participation. I do my thing and what I can handle.
Your husband, via hunting, might be protecting himself from things he cannot handle. I expect he cares very deeply about his mother, but his brain isn't wired to deal with the emotions and uncertainties involved with spending time with her, so he escapes. The same might go for holidays. It also might be why he works hard at the church - it is a safe place where he feels productive and doesn't need to deal with the chaos that is his mother.
No matter what the reason, I will agree with previous posters. You cannot change how other people are and how they react. And I will also add that you really cannot understand what is going on in their brains that makes them act that way, because their brains aren't yours. I know some people might judge my husband, but they haven't walked in his shoes.
Susan
Of course celebrations are a big thing to most people but have you thought about bringing joy to others who have none in their lives.
Next time a big holiday comes up think about volunteering. Serving food to the homeless or delivering dinner to the shut ins.
Make yourself unavailable but do it by doing something that may bring joy to others and yourself.
Too bad if hubby is not hunting this year you have something else to do so he can microwave a frozen dinner.
You have come a long way by refusing to be MIL's step and fetch girl so apply that to the rest of the family. Can one of the daughters do the big dinner? Can you manage without getting out all the good china ? How about (whisper) serving it on paper plates and disposeable flatware. You can buy pretty ones with holiday themes
You seem to be focussing on MIL when it is others in your family that are causing you even more grief. Hubby behaves like a self centered brat so it's time to give him some of his own medicine. He won't like it but tough sh** it may make him think. Just don't sit at home feeling hard done by get up and fight for yourself girl.
It's like lizzywho61 said though . you do get too pooped for all the pre-cleaning .. the going to the store to buy it all, then the prep and storing it all, then drag out all the fine china/crystal (my preference . at least for special holiday meals) . the cloth napkins, .. tablecloth (iron those, . I do assign that out to whatever daughter is handy .. if I can), ... then when the meal is finished . digging out containers to store it all, dishing out some take homes for those that wish to partake .. and the clean up (assign that out also where I can). Ya just get too pooped for it all.
Last year .. DH was hunting at T-giving .. the whole time .. not even here for the meal, at all. Daughters all either working or otherwise spoken for .. and so MIL and SIL and myself went out to a restaurant. That was nice .. but I did miss having leftovers. My mom, last year, did t-giving with her b'friend/fiance's family .. and this year .. I guess, with her moving .. she'll do both t-giving and xmas with his family.
She won't take possession of her home in SC til in December, but is going on up that way to stay with the son of the fiance'. So will not be in town for t-giving .. and no .. I don't wanna go there for xmas .. I want to be here to enjoy the g'children .. at least the one who is old enough to "enjoy" xmas.
Holidays .. to me, are a big thing .. or I'd like them to be anyway.
I know it’s all hard to watch unfold.
I too have a work-a-holic husband. I too did all the gift and card buying for my in-laws for waaay to many years.
My hubby sounds a lot like yours. He was the Wild Child, Black Sheep of the family when he was younger. So, until his Father died he was trying to prove himself. Even at our age I don’t think he realizes he’s made it. He’s successful. He’s done better than his 5 siblings that “appeared” to be socially prominent.
Anyway, after we married I held hubby’s family in such high regard. So much more cultured, refined, whatever, than my looney, dysfunctional family.
As time passed and MIL passed away unexpectedly in 1999 all the family secrets and skeletons in the closets slowly started to fall out.
FIL passed away in 2015 and hubby’s siblings really started to show their true colors.
I love Holidays. All of them but lately I am just to pooped for all the pre cleaning, prep, after cleaning.
I have considered doing a Thanksgiving “TRAINING” for my daughter and daughter in law. Some weekend before Thanksgiving. Getting the stuff but supervising the prep of the Turkey and Dressing, letting them choose the side dishes and just be in the background with my almost 4 yr old grandson. Thanksgiving is closing in...it might have to be a Christmas thing. But it’s gonna happen.