I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yes it could be worse. My brother (youngest) for years and years .. the waters offshore called and his 4-wheeler racing circuit .. and all else as insignificant. So .. it's not uncommon that's for sure.
So nice you have capable daughters to turn it over to, as to holidays and celebrations. Mine .. not so much. Oldest daughter likes to cook, she just doesn't like to "people" as she calls it, .. a real/true/bonafide loner, through and through.
Middle daughter (mom of twins) .. uh . .she's kinda got her hands full .. and doesn't particularly like to cook even if she didn't have her hands full.
Youngest daughter .. doesn't have a clue if it didn't come out of a Ramen packet and has zero interest in it.
Doesn't look like anyone will be stepping into those shoes anytime soon. Like you, I'm tired. How nice it would be to be invited as the guest .. and all I have to do is bring a casserole and help set it up and clean it up. As to holiday dinners.
I guess, bdays .. holiday dinners .. to me .. they're bigger than they are to others. I always made it so ... as best I could.
Marking a holiday or special occasion to him means absolutely nothing. He also has frequently said that I'm being "emotional and ridiculous" to go to the lengths I do for the kids' and grandkids' b-days, and holidays in general.
Don't get me wrong, he is a very hard working and incredibly good man. He just doesn't "do" emotions and all holidays require SOME emotion. My kids grew up expecting nothing from their dad, but knowing he'd always protect & support them. Now my kids take the initiative to hold dinners or such for my birthday, which I truly appreciate. I expect absolutely nothing from DH and that's what I get.
I am truly sorry that your DH has chosen to be this way. You can really do nothing about it. That's the sad part. My Dh will be beyond distraught if his mother pre-deceases him....b/c he has neglected her so much. In their case, honestly, she was a horrible mother, very abusive and mean. A mother like that, today, would have her kids taken from her. He bears a LOT of emotional scars. He was a wild teen and feels she never forgave him (she didn't)..so the dynamic there is NOT one of unconditional love. It's PAINFUL for him to be with her. IS that maybe the case with your DH?
I also am the "glue" for my family. When I stopped planning the huge family parties, they completely stopped. If I don't organize the holidays stuff, we wouldn't do anything. I am handing a lot of that over to my more than capable daughters. I'm tired.
Dorker---these last months have been a HUGE change for you. Your eyes are open to what the actual family dynamic is. You can't change it. Accepting that thought from your brain and moving it into your heart is very possible, but very hard.
Just so very, very sad your MIL has chosen to be lonely and alone. So sad her kids don't push her a little into better living conditions. But it is what it is.
BTW--MY Dh doesn't hunt, but he is an avid golfer and while we live where we get snow---he frequently golfs all 12 months of the year. Missed many an b-day or family event b/c he CANNOT "not" golf the entire 18 holes. He also hikes and loves to backpack. So--year round activities. It could be worse!!
A bowl of soup....that breaks my heart.
My DH remembers anniversaries, my birthday, my son's birthday - buys thoughtful gifts and cards and plans the day. Now, for his dad and mom - he never remembers to send them a card and often doesn't call. I think it is part of their over all bad relationship dynamic.
I used to be the one to send cards and gift until my MIL chewed me out twice (birthday and mother's day) that she wanted HER SON to do this. So i stepped back, he didn't step up, and when she kvetches at ME - i give the phone to DH.
Perhaps DH doesn't care enough about MIL to acknowledge her birthday. While it is sad, keep disengaging and not stepping up to the crazy. You are right - you were the glue. I think what you are expecting is someone else to be the glue because you have stepped back. No one is. Accept that and focus on the areas that really matter to you.
You have come along way!
Ya know it gets said ... usually at someone's passing .. "oh she will be so missed, she was the *glue* that held everything together". I'm not passing (that I know of) .. but I have definitely stepped back from it all. I think ... it shows ... I was that "glue" they talk about.
As someone else pointed out, .. remember back in June when it was DH's 60th and a big shindig planned here, and MIL didn't come, and how upset that made me. All she had to do was get in the car that would be sent to pick her up and bring her this way .... that's all .. and then once here, sit .. like she does at home ...
But she couldn't/wouldn't do it. That was back in June .. I had stepped back from all of this in a huge way long about May or thereabout.
Used to take the "party" to her .. a lot of times. Plan it, the logistics of it all, the cooking, etc etc. And take it to her .. since after all (said with deadpan sarcasm) she can't really go anywhere much anymore.
It was about that time I quit doing all that and have maintained that stance going forward. I will have whatever event that I want to host . here .. and those that wish to come .. fine. Not doing that any longer.
You think back on bdays past, particularly with MIL. Always in hunting season .. and so DH may or may not even be here. Her bday fall on a weekday .. not unusual that I, and maybe a daughter or two or three .. go get her, take her to lunch .. and have a little mini celebration and/or .. plan it all, to be done at her house . or even here (before she got to where she can't/won't come this way).
Worked swimmingly well. For all these years.
Now that I don't do that anymore, it begins to look a LOT different.
The next marker will be t-giving I suppose. I will be cooking here (DH already plans .. does every year .. he will be here to eat .. but then leaves for hunting weekend out of town/state). MIL ... out there alone ... I will extend an invite. She can be picked up .. by any that are here, able to do so ... and brought here, if she wishes. My next charge will be to not let it upset me that she declines. And .. no .... I'm not going to change course and then plan it all to be at her house. And no, SIL has already said she won't be here at t-giving (coming at xmas she says).
(And after that card Narcissa sent you and what's happened, I wouldn't care much about Narcissa's birthday, either.)
I don't know why ... truthfully.
His mom . he thinks it suitable to leave her be (all the while having asked me, not two weeks ago .. that her loneliness is so crushing ... could I please make some time to go visit with her). He thinks it suitable .. then it sure shouldn't be a struggle for me, should it?
Just really upset with him over it.
I wouldn't of done things that way. If I had a hobby that .. let's say .. the weekend of so and so .. is a biggie for whatever my hobby is .. but wait that's my mom's bday ..
I'd of planned accordingly .. try to partake of what I can of my hobby for that designated weekend, being mindful that I may have to cut some of it short .. to attend to my mom and give her some of my time.
I don't see what he did ... (or his sister for that matter) .. acceptable. But it doesn't matter what I see .. and logically .. that makes sense. But why I feel such anger over it, is puzzling to me.
Is he "good to me and our daughters". It's been a struggle the last umteen hundred years .. that he took on the hobby of hunting. He didn't hunt when we married .. wasn't a "thing" he did. But within probably the first 10 years or so . he did get that bug .. and hunting is done in the Fall of the year .. and there is this season and that season .. black powder and gun season ... and rutt and this and that .. and all plotted out on various weekends and the opening of that season and this one.
This all goes on in the Fall.
When is my bday. In the Fall of the year
When is oldest daughter's bday: The Fall of the Year
Youngest daughter's bday: The Fall of the Year
Our Anniversary: The Fall of the year
If you've ever known any avid hunters . it does seem they have to be brought back and corralled into reality .. they get this sense of "entitlement" .. I mean afterall it's not golfing .. that goes on year round .. you should be glad I don't golf. It's not fishing .. that goes on year round, you should be glad I don't fish.
We've managed to work it through .. through the years .. but it's a struggle at times .. having to corral him .. and collar him .. and make him understand that "NO .. I don't care that it's the opening of bow season that weekend, you also have so and so .. and you can't go!". Not all weekend!
Today's events .. one of those instances where I tried to collar him, to attend to his mom's loneliness and her bday .. and an epic fail.
He has asked of youngest daughter (oldest daughter is long since a grown adult with her own social circle and so any plans on this end .. pretty incidental usually) .. he has asked of youngest daughter numerous times on her bday .. "do you care if I'm not here for your bday .. I want to go for the opening of so and so season", .. she has answered, generally .. "no dad go ahead, that's fine".
I've had bday parties for her through the years .. him gone. Her as a kid. She has expressed in her adult years some dismay at it all, that she wishes he wouldn't do that .. that her bday rolls around (his is in the summer, and so a big todo is made of it all, middle daughter's is in the summer, a big todo made of it) .. he isn't off and gone hunting, it's summer. YD has expressed .. to me anyway .. as she has grown up now .. that it dismays her that her dad missed so many of her bdays .. so he could HUNT ..
I've asked her to share that with him if she feels hurt by it. Whether she has or hasn't . I don't know. Doubtful she has done so.
So .. it's a problem .. hunting .. something he so avidly enjoys .. and it's prime season for same . the Fall of the year .. and that entitlement mentality .. it rears it's ugly head as was seen in today's events.
I mean .. he asked, and I agreed to it (we'd just been out of town) .. "can we mark our anniversary at some other point .. I really want to go to so and so to hunt for the weekend" . yea sure .. but .. you need to make it a point to get back for your mom's bday.
And it doesn't happen ...............
" I think I'm going to have to find a way to put this worry that I feel over the situation into a box and put it on a shelf and leave it there. I'm not able to achieve that, yet. "
You have had an awakening over the past few months. You have learned what many a DIL has known and dealt with sInce time began. ( and of course you already knew too) If they don't give the party, if they don't buy the gift, if they don't make the effort, it doesn't happen. AND even then, the DIL efforts are seldom appreciated. No gold star is given. For the only efforts the parent values are those presented by their own children.
BUT let me remind you when DH has his BD, MIL was no show. Remember how upset you were with her for him?
Once again you have to remind yourself to allow MIL and her children to negotiate their own relationship. You called. You sent a card. You did your part. The soup is much more special for both SIL and her mother that SIL made it happen.
And didn't you mention delivery service was available many many times to all concerned? So another success for you. If MIL wants to be upset with her son that's up to her, not you. Push yourself to let it go. Let them be. No good will come of your being upset.
I assume your husband treats YOU and your daughters well.
How he treats his mom, well, that's between him and his mom. Given that he and SIL seem to be at about the same level of real care and concern, and one brother has walked away entirely, I think we can infer something about how their mom makes them feel, and made them feel growing up.
In years past .. I've done all the legwork .. and prepared a cookout, etc .. only for him to arrive on the scene .. from a hunting trip, at the 9th hour. Or .. even taken her to lunch on my own. Won't be doing that.
My new approach .. "if they don't consider it important, then I shouldn't consider it more important than they do".
I went farther than I should've in trying to encourage that DH put his "toys" away and come on home on Sunday morning, to facilitate his mom's bday. Wasn't to be.
Kinda senseless that it turned out that way. Something so simple .. a request for a confounded bowl of soup ... and attainable without a whole lot of trouble. Something he could've so easily seen to, were he here .. to do so. But nope.
Not how I see things. I guess I never saw this .. acting in his stead all these years, to see to such things.
Disillusioned. Oh well, I guess the people at church see him as the big man on campus they think he is. I sure don't. Not at this moment.
Today is MIL's bday. Now why is that any of my concern? Because she is an 88 yo woman who sits there alone .. on what is her bday .. and how many more bdays can this woman have.
Many times I've been the one to put together bday celebrations for her . be that a cookout at her house or here .. and bday cake and so forth .. many many times.
But as we all know, I've stepped out of that role. She has grown kids that should be more concerned with the above than myself.
So .. here we were approaching what is her bday .. today. DH had asked the other day (our anniversary was this past Friday .. but we just got back from a weekend away). He was asking, if I'd mind if we do something at another point for our anniversary .. and he go to hunt .. for the weekend at a family member's .. out of state.
Sure, I responded .. no big deal .. but remember your mom's bday is Sunday .. you need to get up on Sunday a.m. and head on back this way .. to mark that occasion .. we'll take your mom to dinner or something .. but you need to make sure to head on back on Sunday otherwise your mom sits out there all alone .. on her bday.
No SIL isn't here to mark the occasion either (expecting her son in from the other side of the the world .. to see about .. the closing on the investment property bought there where she lives). She wants to visit w/him. So no trip planned here.
I thought .. (see .. I was the only one that ever gave a rat's ass) .. here the woman slighted me on my bday with a card that could've been .. for as impersonal as it was . it could've been given to the mailman. But not being a petty person .. trying to put my best foot forward .. I tried to do what I can to make sure that his mom isn't sitting alone, . on her bday (but I'm no stepping into the gap to do on my own .. if he wants to be here to see about it, I will accompany .. but I'm not doing it for him .. not anymore).
So the caveat .. "yea go . I don't care .. we just went out of town .. but .. your mom's bday is Sunday .. make sure you're home . you have a 5 hour drive .. plan accordingly .. so that you can mark that occasion .. take her to dinner or whatever .. ".
Where is he? Not with his mom.
His mom sits alone.
Long story but suffice it to say he spent the morning hunting, when .. IMO . he should've gotten on the road to head on back this way to facilitate something of a semblance of a marker for his mom's bday. Nope .. he hunted this morning .. then when he got in his truck to go ahead and head this way .. discovered he has truck problems and is broken down (there at the family's home out of town). So is now up under the truck working on it, rather than heading this way.
Found out just from calling her to tell her Happy Birthday .. didn't even call her for many hours this morning .. in the hopes that DH would be on his way .. a plan could be sorta put in place and I'd have some knowledge from which to speak when talking with her, as to any plans. But nope.
Finally did put in a call to her to tell her Happy Birthday when it became obvious he isn't coming this way anytime soon.
Then is when I learned that her daughter, from afar .. has ordered a delivery of some french onion soup for her ..
Said to me, .. MIL did .. that she eats those MOW .. and they are adequate .. as far as nutritional value .. but that it gets old .. it gets to be the same things rotating in and out .. and that she'd been craving for days .. french onion soup .. but just can't muster the wherewithall to get out and about to go get it .. at the restaurant .. just doesn't have the getup and go .. to get it done. Had mentioned that to SIL .. and SIL found that she can order it (national chain) for delivery to her door, and so that is what SIL has done . .. and she is expecting a delivery anytime now.
So you see .. this ... were her son here ... (which I happen to think isn't how he should've done things) .. he would've known that is a desire of her's for this day .. a simple bowl of french onion soup .. nothing elaborate .. nothing one has to traverse the globe to get .. just a simple bowl of soup .. and ... he could've taken her .. for a simple bowl of soup.
But you see .. priorities .. not where they should be, at least IMO.
Yes, had I called her earlier, and learned of this specific craving .. I too could've seen to it all pretty easily. But that's the point here .. and has been .. why .. why do I have to jump to the beat of all this drum .. when her own damn kids don't.
So she sits out there alone .. on her bday. Her son .. out of town .. hunting .. now fixing his truck .. her daughter .. awaiting her son's visit .. and so be it.
Yes I'm angry today.
Even though .. this is someone who sent me a bday card (and no phone call from her, which is new .. she always called and sent sweet cards in years past) .. EVEN THOUGH .. she sent me such an impersonal card .. even still .......... I was going to be kind enough to not have her ignored ...
But still ....
Unless I wanna jump on it and do it myself .. I guess it goes not done. Sans the daughter ordering online .. from afar.
Just sad. Just so sad. It shouldn't be this way.
Stop hoping others will change. If they could have, they would have, and they haven't so stop hoping, and start "accepting" the truth about these people and this situation.
Move onto and into your own life before it's over.
As for me, .. and the bday card caper. So be it. If it makes MIL feel better somehow to shun me .. then so be it. I'm over it.
Just glad that whatever is causing this upswing in stability ... glad it's a factor, presently anyway.
Glad things are better with MIL, for the time being. She's maybe awakening to the "new you" and not trying to manipulate anymore. One can only hope.
I got a little kick out of the b-day card thing. My MIL has NEVER signed "Love" on a card to me....and one year, many years ago, sent me a card with "Regards" written on it. REGARDS?? WTH? That was the end of the bday cards altogether--about 20 years ago. Actually, the end of ANY acknowledgement of my presence, not a phone call, not a Christmas gift, nothing. She has been slipping my hubby a card with $100 in it for the last 10 years, and my while I was feeling a little hurt...he finally did tell me. I guess it was not supposed to be used to further my holiday enjoyment at all. :) Oh well, You do have good memories of better days with MIL, hopefully someday that's all you will remember.
she's not sending you on fool's errands
she is accepting deliveries of meals on wheels, and seems to be eating them
people are going to her house, and would notice if the oedema were so bad that it had made her immobile, which it would be if she flat-out didn't take her meds, so she must be
and these adjustments mean that for the time being at least she is coping at home with appropriate support, which is what she and everybody wanted.
It's all good!
AND, crucially, this desired outcome would not have been possible without your firm drawing of new boundaries. Take a gold star for *real* caregiving, and a hot honey and lemon drink for your cold. Hugs, feel better.
Hopefully it will pass in a few days.
If not, I'll head to the doc, for sure.
Something occurred to me over the last few days. I think this is the longest stretch that MIL has been "stable" in I don't know when. Hooray. And no, that doesn't have me wanting to hop back in it all. Just .. Hooray. For her, and for all of us!
Either she's not stable, and I just don't know it .. (nobody does) .. or she is .. and hooray for that. Either way.
But back when I was all mired in the muck of it all, it was not eating, not drinking, not taking her diuretic... back and forth to docs ... as she'd weaken/dehydrate, etc., edema increasing .. (same things told to her time and time again) .. and me at the helm of it all, being beckoned into service.
The above doesn't seem to be at issue and hasn't been .. at least lately.
What's changed?
Well I'd like to think that she has seen .. that nobody on this end is going to be hopping to, ... to get her back and forth to docs and being right there to hold her hand and spoon feed her, and remind her of meds, and hydration, etc., .. and so she's had to step up to the plate and DO what she needs to do to care for herself ... I'd like to think that's the case.
(holding my breath even recognizing any of this, it could all change in a moment)
But I do know, she now gets MOW .. something she adamantly refused for a long long time. She now gets daily deliveries (except for weekends) of MOW .. and from what I hear .. she eats them .. isn't thrilled about them, but does force herself to do so.
So there's that.
If I had a nickel for every time there'd be wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth listening to her with the whole .. now in a weakened state .. and the endless array of rotation of ... "MIL why won't you eat, you have to eat .. you will get weak, .. why do you not take your diuretic ... you know the edema will get bad .. you know that ... !!!.....why do you do that, .. why do you double up on it .. and then cause yourself to get out of balance with your electrolytes .. why do you keep doing that", .. round and round and round it would go, ... and the ck'g on her, and did you eat .. and being told, "Oh I had a cracker and some grapes".
The above . .doesn't seem to be in perpetual rotation, .. and hasn't been for the immediate past.
Have no idea as to the edema and what is going on with that, .. haven't seen her, laid yes on her .. at all. If her son and daughter don't think it necessary to be on site to ck on such, then I certainly don't either. I presume, all is well on that front also.
I know she must be seeing about her hydration/nutrition, .. at least better than was previously the case .. as there has been no beckoning of .. "something isn't right, I don't feel right, .. I'm so weak .. I'm just so weak".
Don't know precisely what the picture is, that has changed, .. but I can say .. at least for the immediate past .. things have stabilized more. I can only hope it continues.
And I'm off to go to work for a little while, and at least grateful for the stability of right now.
Rosie ended with talking about her heart attack and explained the signs of a heart attack in woman as it can differ greatly from the symptoms men have and also from what we see in movies and on tv.
Seems you can have a heart attack that goes on for quite a bit of time before you drop -
Rosie used “HEPPP”.
Hot. Exhausted. Pale. Puke. Pain.
Often a heat attack in woman can masquerade as a flu or be flu like.
Rosie made a point of saying the pain can pretty much be anywhere in the upper body area including the neck, jaw , shoulders and arms - as well
as the chest.
Just thought I’d share.
Perhaps there is a little bit of "misery loves company" out of the cousin .. doesn't matter really. She, nor SIL nor DH .. can "MAKE MIL" do anything she doesn't want to do. Just thought it was interesting .. coming from afar. That specific family member is in no way here on the scene to see the daily goings on. But still has a real feel for the picture as a whole.
SIL does NOT have to have MIL live with her. MIL could look for assisted living in the area you all live in right now. Or near SIL. Or somewhere else. This is a decision for MIL, SIL, and DH - and it does not necessarily involve SIL moving MIL in with her.
I think your H's cousin is a bit presumptuous in telling your H what to do. Just because SHE took her father into her home doesn't mean that H or SIL need to do that. I think she's particularly presumptuous in assuming it is mostly SIL's job to get Narcissa settled somewhere. Misery loves company?
Narcissa has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to leave her home. So it's up to her to "manage." It's also the option of her children to decide what they will or won't do to facilitate Narcissa's decision to remain at home. It's Narcissa's right to make poor decisions, until she is declared mentally incompetent. If neither H nor SIL have decisionmaking authority for Narcissa, Narcissa remains in charge of her own life. What more are they supposed to do?
(I can identify with this, because I think people think *I* should do more for my mother, take her into my home, etc. But I am refusing to do so. My mother will have to live with the consequences of her decisions to live socially isolated without any help in her condo.)
The only downside, and I don't know that I'd of gone to this specific secluded cabin had I known that (will think to ask next time maybe ..???....). No tv. None. I'm not a tv addict by any means. I go all day without tv, .. and some nights. But it is a nice to have, if one wants it. And to not have it. Hmmm. Had I know, I'd of taken some good books to read. Also, had no cell signal (DH did, same carrier, go figure). My cells service, nil.
But even still, the beauty of the place, so peaceful, so off the beaten track. Those of you who maybe live out in the country, and have to travel dark, winding, mountain roads at night, no street lights. I have a nothing but respect for you. I think I sucked all the oxygen out of the car, each time we'd come in at night from being out and about. Absolutely sure a bear or deer would jump out in front of the car at any moment, if not an oncoming car.
Was interesting a few points. The whole reason we went to that vicinity at all, ... DH's cousin lives nearby. She, the cousin who has taken in her father to live with her, in the last few months (him from central FL, sold his home, and went to live with his daughter).
We'd gone to have dinner at their place. Her with the poignant question to DH, .. "what are you guys going to do about your mom?!?!?!?". Him answering, "I don't know M .. she just doesn't want to leave her home .. she wants to stay home, in her house, .. that's what we're going to allow her to do". Her then incredulously (her the person who has brought her father in to live with her, and him not nearly as compromised as is DH's mom). Incredulously she asks, "But ya know, that's why dad is here with me, it's not all about what SHE wants .. when she is in so much NEED .. it has to be about those who help her, not all about her and what SHE wants, my dad knew that I can't run the roads back and forth to see about him, and so he made the tough decision to sell his home .. and come live with me, so I can look after him ... what are ya'll gonna do???!?".
DH answering (I stayed out of this, at least at first), "I don't know M, .. she is just so fiercely independent, she doesn't want to go live with SIL .. you know SIL drives her up a tree ... ". Cousin's father now chiming into the conversation, "Ya know, I talked to her, and I asked her .. how many people do you have left there, how many friends that can help you out, and she told me she has a few good neighbors that help her, and I scoffed at that .. I told her, neighbors are good to pick up a few things for you, or whatever, but they aren't going to look after you when you're sick, .. she got mad at me, and told me she's not going to call me anymore". DH now chiming in, "you guys, she's scared ... she's just scared .. she's reached a point in her life that she needs more help and she knows that it's not working anymore, and anybody that makes her face that reality is gonna get her wrath". Cousin now chiming in, "Ya know we had to get tough with mom .. mom was just like her ... we had to go take all her canes .. she was told repeatedly that canes aren't sufficient for her, she needs to be on a walker, and she wouldn't do it .. so we took em all, hauled every cane she owned out of there .. and she balked .. she got mad but I told her, .. mother when you can't help yourself, then we have to make the decisions that help to make you safer, she was mad as hell .. but we did it anyway ... ". DH, "I know, I tried to go there with her, the last time she was in the hospital .. that we're going to have to talk about some tough decisions going forward .. and she got mad at me, . and told me to leave .. that she's not an idiot .. that I don't need to even bother with her anymore, just go on .. she can make her own decisions .. so I backed off, I didn't say anymore".
I just sat there listening to all this, not saying a word.
The cousin now chiming in, "you and your sister both .. you guys are going to have to get tough with her, .. your sister needs to come get her .. and take her back with her .. that's the only choice, .. she's not safe living alone anymore and you guys ... ya'll are all waiting until a huge catastrophe ... me and dad have talked and talked about all this, and we just hope that big event .. is one that just puts a scare in her, and not one that is life altering .. ya know I talk to SIL about it all, .. and she says ... she just doesn't want to "make anybody do anything they don't want to do, because she doesn't want to be in that position her herself, being forced by someone else to do something", that's what SIL tells me, .. but ya know .. when it becomes about that person needing more help .. SIL can't be running back and forth all the time .. to see about her, her life is in IL .. your mother needs to go there .. so SIL can help her". DH more of the same, .. "I know, unfortunately .. it's going to take a big event .. that's' the only thing that will turn this whole thing". Cousin then saying, "Ya know, MIL tells SIL that she's fine .. she is managing .. she's doing okay .. and SIL buys that, she's NOT fine ... "
At that I chimed in: "Ya know, that's when I stepped out of all this, I can't do it anymore, either she manages .. as she says she does .. or she doesn't .. which is it .. obviously SHE DOES NOT manage .. as SIL calls everybody and their brother to pick up this or that for her, haul her here and there for doc appointments and such .. if she manages, then why is everyone having to run in 40 directions to satisfy all this .. if she doesn't, then what are they all doing to put their heads together and manage it .. and get her to a more secure setting .. nothing .. nobody does a thing and the charade continues .. I'm not propping it up any longer". At that, cousin .. "and I don't blame you, this is up to DH and his sister .. not you ... you did .. for a long time in all of it .. ".
The conversation continued, much of the same, round and round you go, no answers, no concrete answers.
Had occasion to talk to the cousin alone .. just she and I at one point. And she imparted that in her talks with SIL . that SIL says to her that she doesn't know if she can bring MIL into her home .. that she doesn't know if she can live with her ... that she can be mean ... and the cousin imparting that her dad too, can be mean .. and giving some examples of some things they've bumped heads over. The cousin then saying: "but you have to do the *right thing* .. and that's what I'm doing .. I brought him here to look after him and he knows that he can stay here as long as he doesn't need more than what I can meet .. but that if he does, then he will need to go into assisted living and he and I have begun to talk about visiting some that are here .. AL's .. and maybe get the feel of how all that works .. because we never know .. he's fine today .. to be here .. but if he had a stroke ..or hell for that matter if I did .. I wouldn't be able to care for him . he's a realist .. he knows ... we all have to do what we have to do, .. I'm so glad my dad didn't put me through what MIL is putting all of you though .. she's being selfish .. is what she is". She goes on to say to me: "I know .. I know it's put a strain on you guys .. you and DH .. at times, it has here .. with me and my husband ... ".
I told her, "M .. ya know .. if I had a nickel for everytime info was filtered through me, being the one on the front line of it all, SIL blowing up my phone to get DH to go do (fill in the blank), me on the front lines filtering that info and then me passing it along to DH who then maybe didn't get to the (fill in the blank) fast enough .. and so me in his ear again and again .. and then getting blasted by him .. it's not fair, . this isn't my mom .. I stepped out of it all .. all of it ... I don't haul her hither and yon anymore ... she "manages" so I'm told, .. that's b's .. and you know it ... but so be it, their mom .. they want to take that approach then so be it ... She DOESN'T manage ... she DOESN'T .. and .. SIL blowing up phones in every direction trying to enlist someone to transport MIL here or there, or pick up this or that for MIL ...I mean, she's even now in YD's ear about it all and YD .. has voiced some displeasure at it all ... ".
Cousin with the "I know she uses the housekeeper .. and anyone else she can bother with it all, that's not THEIR RESPONSIBILITY IT'S HER'S .. and HER MOM'S".
I said to the cousin: "I have just bowed out of it all, and the last time I even talked to MIL .. she was kinda ugly to me .. and I don't deserve that, .. I have the right to be able to back away from all this .. and so I just backed out of it all, they can deal with her".
She said, "I don't blame you, I told SIL .. well if you aren't going to bring her back to your home, then you have to decide how much of your retirement you're going to spend in airfare and going back and forth .. and lack of any ability to do much of anything else, running down there to go to her ... SIL says that she is cruel to her husband .. MIL is .. and that she just doesn't know .. doesn't know if it will work to bring her into her home ... but I told her, then you need to be on the hunt for where you can put her ... and she says of that .. that she doesn't want to FORCE her mother to do anything ... that she herself wouldn't want to have to be FORCED to do anything .. I don't know Dorker, it's .. it's a bad situation that's just a ticking time bomb, .. I'm so glad my dad didn't put us in that position, but I wouldn't of done like SIL is doing, I didn't with my own mom ... I was tough with her, and SIL doesn't seem to be able to do that".
To that I only answered: "I know, you're preaching to the choir here .. let it be known in all this, .. I too am a realist .. and my inability to get anyone's full attention to handling this, hasn't been for lack of trying .. I've done the only thing I can do, .. which is control me .. I can't control SIL, MIL or DH .. but I can control me .. and that I've done, in stepping away from this charade ... she's not independent, by any stretch . but nobody wants to do anything about it .. for whatever their reasons .. and so be it, their mom .. not mine .. ".
So .. lots of dialogue on all that subject, .. but .. believe it or not .. we didn't just belabor that whole thing and beat it to death .. we talked about other things, we went out sight seeing .. we went out to dinner .. and enjoyed one another's company, etc.
Then I get home .. (yesterday was my bday). Just rather "telling" .. FWIW. Had a slew of bday cards mailed to me, while I was gone, to go through. One from MIL.
Now normally, it's legendary .. MIL always writes sweet little missives in her bday cards that she sends .. "You are such a treasure .. and we so love you .. and are such a valued member of our family", that kinda thing.. year after year .. the tone of all bday cards, . not just a signed Hallmark card, not from her, ever, in all these years. Til now.
Bday card from MIL, this time, .. signed "Happy Birthday, MIL and M" (her dog). That's it. Not "Love you, Happy Birthday", .. not "hope your birthday is wonderful like you", nothing .. just a signed "Happy Birthday, MIL and M". That's it.
Showed it to DH .. and he didn't get it .. not right away .. not til I pointed it out to him. He then, "well try not to read too much into it .. but yea you're right, .. she always includes a sweet little note in every bday card .. but try not to read too much into it".
I answered that with, "Well rather obvious to me, as long as I'm steppin and fetching for her .. I'm such a treasure and so valued and so loved .. now that I no longer do that ... she's got no use for me, interesting".
His answer to that: "Well she does notice you are no longer really helping out .. but she hasn't said anything to me about it, about any animosity or anything .. but .. I mean .. don't let it eat you alive here, it's your bday .. and we've just come home from a great little getaway .. and just relish in that ... don't let it bother you".
My answer to that: "Oh I'm not ... I'm not going to let it consume me, but I do think it's rather ugly of her .. I mean .. what was it several weeks ago it was me over there on the scene to facilitate hurricane clean up .. that we paid for .. and I sat vigil with that .. i guess because I don't run any longer in the streets for all her dog treats and her lotions and potions and doc visits .. then I'm to be dispensed with .. just very telling to me".
He just listened, and I dropped it. I don't care. Shame .. what I thought was a "good" relationship for many years .. obviously .. was very predicated on how much I'd dance to the beat of that drum .. now that I no longer do .. I'm to be dispensed with. So be it.
As I told DH, "I haven't done anything to hang my head about, I helped for a long long time, which is a helluva lot more than can be said for what is nothing more than DIL .. and .. if that's the approach she wants to take .. as I now step away from propping up her charade .. so be it".
And I went on with my night, .. have come home from the trip a bit sick. Not sure what the deal is, .. it's like "cold" has set in .. in my chest .. but then migrated to my back now .. and my shoulder. Grrrr. Have to get back into the game here of life and have a lot to do .. and don't feel well. But oh well.
Maybe you just need to hear enough of us say:
"Do it! You are right, and you deserve this, because what makes you so appreciated is your level-headed understanding of things, and your recognition of priorities and responsibilities!!" Give the same to yourself!"
And, as firm as you are, I understand how difficult this next one is, but please:
DROP THE BALL.
Don't take the calls.
That means someone else has to, and will, pick them up.
Leave all the worry and hard feelings from the last several months at home and no looking in the rear view mirror.
Just focus on you and dh - remembering and renewing why you fell in love with him in the first place. Unless, one of those reasons was his great family and how he interacted with them...
OMG!!! JUST KIDDING! Enjoy!
We have leaves beginning to change color here in MD but not at peak beauty yet!
That may be the only way the “get” it, but with them, maybe not.
You are allowed to confront them/him in what you know are truly bad decisions on their part. If DH comes to you asking you to pick up where you left off because it puts too much pressure on him, sorry DH, tell him it’s not going to happen. Guess what, they’ve had ample time to plan but have decided to do nothing.
If either of them has the nerve to even think they have a right to “guilt” you into taking care of THEIR MOTHER, they deserve your anger. You count Dorker. Expressing your feelings & solutions is not a bad thing. The situation won’t require a “fight” unless they choose to push you over your limits and continue to choose to ignore you. Be ready to defend your position. Gather up that anger in you and use it. Anger can be productive. If they both have no respect for your opinion & then want you to step back up, you had better believe if I were you it would be a no brainer for me to confront them. If it’s a fight then so be it.
You are the only adult in the room! MIL isn’t going away. And she is not your mother!!! These two continue to dance around the issue while their mother is alone & vulnerable.
Also, you have no control over “the event” if it occurs. It could happen even in a SNF or with 24/7 in home aides.
How can either of them live with that? That’s what I’d be asking them.
Remember SIL is putting a dog ahead of her mother. She can take 4 days to fly to Florida, pack up her mom, and take her home with her while her husband completes his rehab. Truth is, SIL doesn’t want to work that hard
Sorry, but the same with your DH. In his spare time, he goes hunting and chooses to renovate an older Church.
It’s consuming you Dorker and not in a good way. If you have to have a fight to defend your decisions it won’t be because you choose it. Don’t be frightened to speak your mind.